A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I always thought I knew what Friends With Benefits (FWB) meant. As I'm reading more of these questions/answers, I'm beginning to see how wrong I was and how it affected my relationships. I still have some ideas of what I think those things are but I would really like some input. What are these unwritten rules of FWBs?I would like to have a better idea of where I stand and maybe a better idea of what I want (since what I want apparently wasn't what I was getting).FWB - Thought that meant you were friends who had sex (I am considering oral to BE sex). I just also thought that it meant FRIENDSHIP TOO, hence the name FRIENDS with benefits. I did have two experiences with that where some guy who really was my friend stopped talking to me, stopped inviting me to his home unless I was going to have sex with him, stopped going to hockey games ... you get the idea. It went from friend ship to just sex which really disappointed me. I had purposely chosen that particular friend b/c we were on the same page sexually and we were already friends. fortunately, I broke it off because it was a LDR and he is now married to the girl he met after we broke up :-) win-win there! The second situation wasn't win-win at all. It was me on the losing end. I met this guy when we were both patients in the same hospital. We got out around the same time and had exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch as he lives on the other side of the city. When I got out, I called and talked to him while he was in the hospital and after he got out, we went to therapy and rehab groups together. Well, not "together" but the same time as. During breaks, and after those groups were done for the day, we flirted like crazy and hung out, going fishing and playing in cornhole competitions. But once we had sex, all that pretty much stopped. He told me he didn't consider me his girlfriend and I was relieved and told him that I was find with friends with benefits. He then told me that was just a sugar-coating name and that whatever we were doing didn't leave a label. It turned into us ONLY having sex and him making it impossible (time constraints) to do foreplay or cuddling. Same thing happened with the first guy: no cuddling or foreplay. Sorry about the long examples, that is why I need a list of those "unwritten rules" so I know what I'm getting into. I'm not ready for a relationship but I like the dating and flirting part, I know myself well enough to know that as soon as I end up being a girlfriend to the guy I crush on, the crush disappears and I begin to resent the poor guy. I want to stay single so that I don't end up hurting anyone or leading anyone all. My mom calls the dating a bit and flirting etc to be "courting" but whatever it is, it is the most fun part of the relationship (and cuddling is the best part of sex) but those "best parts" seem to immediately disappear once I have a boyfriend. So I don't want one. But whatever I thought FWB was, when I was in it ... it wasn't what I expected. It was sort of like a commitment that tied me down but deprived me of all the good stuff.
View related questions:
broke up, crush, exchanged numbers, flirt, foreplay, friend with benefits Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 November 2013):
 The rules for the stupidity of FWB (formerly called FUCK BUDDIES when I was of that age) is that it's a nice way to say "someone I use for sex" you aren't really friends normally... just folks that have an agreement to get together and scratch an itch.
usually it's the woman who is settling for FWB when she wants MORE.. and while SOMETIMES the guy lies about it and pretends he wants more... usually they are pretty up front about it but the woman is NOT LISTENING to what he says only to what she WANTS to hear... things like
I like you...let's see where it goes (if you are sleeping with him it's going nowhere)
I'm not ready for a committed relationship yet (he leaves off the part that says WITH YOU) and when he meets that girl he is READY for the committed relationship with you will be left in the dirt...
So what are the "rules" of an FWB relationship... whatever those two "friends" set it up to be.
I had one once with an EX boyfriend... we broke up but neither of us found anyone else (we were both divorced with young children) so we ended up just kind of naturally gravitating to a weekly "date" sometimes we even had dinner first... but eventually it came down to my going over to his house on thursday nights every week... and leaving for work from his place the next morning... served it's purpose.. and I was the one who walked away.. and we never actually broke up... just kind of stopped going over....
the last FWB I had was odd.. I was NOT interested in anything serious with the guy and he lived 2 hours away. I was also NOT available to offer more than FWB... sadly it didn't work out as FWB... I married him instead. He always said that he fell in love with me because I gave him all the room he needed to fall for me because I kept him at a distance. BUT I caution you that we are the VERY rare couple that it worked for.
To me I find that's the key to making it work... if you LIKE the guy more than a friend or you want MORE than just casual sex (which is what FWB is) it will NOT work... you will be hurt.
I personally think that FWB should be limited to old divorced folks who know what they are missing and don't really want a full time partner on their plate.
DO you not want a life partner?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 November 2013):
 Once again from a guy who is too old to have personal experience to back it up. Here is my (admittedly cynical) understanding of the FWB relationship.
FWB is the goal of the unattached Male 20 something. Sexual satisfaction without drama or responsibility. Here is how he goes about getting it. Step one, meet a girl and convince her to date you. Step two, say the right words and convince her that you love her. Step three, break up. make up any reason. Lean towards emotional incompatibility. Step four when she begs you to try again offer a FWB relationship. Bingo he has what he wants. And she can hope that he will come back around to the relationship he was faking in the beginning.
Now what will happen at some point he will meet a girl who asks for the FWB to start with. This takes out all of the pursuit game. He finds her easy, and because he thinks she is easy he stops trying. She then quickly discovers that he is a selfish no good liar. We dispassionate observers knew that all along. After all who else would accept the pseudo half life of FWB, offering the intimacy without the feeling.
Remember I said this was cynical. I know it won't fit every situation. Especially the very long term relationship of the Anonymous poster. But before you reject my ideas as being ornery out of touch rantings, think about your situation and see if it fits the pattern.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): I would like to point out the other side of the story with unhealthy FWBs. The side that you never hear about when women are doing the talking.
Scores of women engage in FWBs because they would rather be a more desirable guy's fucktoy than a less desirable guy's cherished partner. That is a voluntary choice to trade self-respect for a hotter man.
This scene is not all fun & games for men either. It only benefits the most attractive selfish men. The majority of average nice relationship-seeking men suffer for it with fewer & less attractive women to pick from. (And women wonder why non-promiscuous average guys are turned off by them a few years later when they come crawling back to their end of the dating pool, carrying baggage at men from their FWB years.)
If this voluntary situation leaves a woman with emotional scars then she has nobody to blame but herself. Women have every right to engage in unequal FWB relationships if they choose. But they need to take responsibility for the part they play in hurting themselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 I am so glad I grew up in an era that didn't know what FWB was. We were too busy trying to find someone to love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): A fwb is a man who has sex with no strings attached, or a woman who gets attached and then starts to feel used (she is) and then starts with the amateur dramatics.Lucky for me, I am worth more and will never put myself in that situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): I don't understand why FWB situation for you was kind of commitment? Because its a complete opposite of commitment. As someone says here on DC that for most guys sex is like a sneeth, we women need to remember that, and don't go to bed just with anybody. At your age you need to be more selective, really, and stay away from guys that only want sex from you. My thoughts on FWB is: there is no friendship, because if it was, he would be your boyfriend. This the relationship couples ussualy have: they do things together like friends and have sex. If you do this with a guy, it means you are dating him. Real friends don't have sex, period. Sex for women is something very intimate. Most women get attached to a guy after sex. For a guy again is just a little fun break.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): I had a FWB for from the time I was in college up until about five years ago and I am now 48. We have known each other since junior high school and I can remember having some sparks for each other in high school and a little fooling around here and there (no sex) when we were both unattached (which at that age could be for a week or months the way teenage relationships can go lol). We have always been friends. We would keep in touch, he would come visit me at school, all our mutual friends would get together when I was home, etc. and finally we had sex. We were both single, so it was fine. I had my life, he had his and once in a while when we got together, we would have sex. Now, when someone was in a relationship, that was the end of that and we still all got together on occasion, but never were any boundaries crossed or cheating on our partners. We kept it to ourselves and nobody knew. Fast forward years later, we are both married, and we would all keep in touch visit each other, spend time with each other's families, etc. He ended up getting divorced, eventually I did too. He came to visit me and we had sex all weekend, then went back to our own lives. Again, getting into relationships, everything cut off except friendship. And here we are today, I moved in the general area where he lived as well, we were both single we got together again. I have been in a relationship for five years now and getting married soon. Our FWB was over and done with when I started dating this guy I am marrying. Not everyone can do this, and I think the reason why this guy fit the category so well is because even though we have been friends forever, he is not a guy I would ever want to get married to or have a relationship with in that way because I know him too well and we would not be compatible. And I think he felt the same way about me. Our livestyles were very different and we wanted different things, but we remained close friends and got each other through a lot of ups and downs. My story is kind of jumbled because I am trying to get this out quickly, but you get the idea. I do believe this is what FWB really is, the way my story rolled. The minute you find yourself in that place of wanting more or feelings of spending before and after sex time like in a relationship, or it turns into just sex, it's no longer FWB or probably wasn't in the first place. If there is stress or heartache over the situation, it's not FWB. If you cannot keep from being jealous when one of the people is in a relationship, then it's not FWB. If it's ackward or there is sexual tension when you see each other outside of the occaional sexual encounters, it's probably not FWB.I think what is happening today is people are taking this term and running with it to keep themselves free and clear to have sex with whomever they want with no committment to one person. Now, this seems pretty silly to me because it's just called being single and being honest that someone is not ready to settle down with one person. Or disrespecting a friendship by basically getting together with them just for sex and the only difference between that and a prostitute is money exchanging hands. That's not a friend, that's just using someone. And if both parties are find with that, well, okay then.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 You already have two experiences which have taught you what FWB actually means. Which is why I never usef that term, because there is no friendship. Just sex. Start calling it hook-ups or lovers (if it happens more times). There also are no rules unless you both agree on some beforehand. Example, Ive always had my lovers be exclusive. Mostly for health reasons and to avoid drama. As soon as anything serious has startet (my line goes at kissing), then we end whatever we have. FWB to me just means you are civil to one another both during and after the period you have sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): FWB is a creation of men. To have dating and obligation free sex. There is no rules, it s for them to have a joy ride with your body, nothing else. If you like the first stages of relationship like first flirting, why not do just that? And when sex question arises, just dissapear. Thisis what men do, they court you a bit, then have sex with you, and then dissapear after, don't they. Why don't you do the same? You have your cake, and then reserve your dignity. Don't expect cuddling or other feelings from a guy who is just there to fuck you. Because this is what it is for him : fucking and nothing more. Also, that worries me a bit when you say you don't experience the same exciting feelings when a guy becomes your boyfriend. Are you the type that always looking for excitement? If that's the case you are in trouble.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 Yeah FWB should be actually spelled out as "friends " with benefits ( between commas, it's ironic, wink wink ).
Although some guys do NOT withhold affection or foreplay, and you can actually have some sort of intelligible conversation and human exchange- that happens because that's their nature and personality , which spills over into the sexual sphere- not because FWB is a type of arrangement conducive to that.
I have never actually known of a real friendship, with people doing together all the stuff two friends do, and the level of trust, intimacy and communication there's between two real friends, plus they just throw into the mix some sexual activity every now and then.
In theory , you should be able to , say , have Sunday brunch together ... then spend all afternoon in bed doing wild passionate stuff... then a pause for reading the Sunday newspapers together... then dining out , or a movie... and then wild and passionate stuff all over again.
Rinse and repeat in 15 days. Or whenever .
In practice, it's not like that.
And you know why ? because if you find somebody you can stand being with all those hours, and actually enjoy their company, and feel comfortable around them, plus want them sexually - then you'd be DATING them, you would not limit your interaction to casual, random encounters.
So, while in theory two FWB should be two best friends who also have sex together occasionally, in practice more often than not it boils down to just a fuck buddy, or even booty call, situation where anything affectionate and personal is totally an optional- and where one of the two thinks they can do much better but hey, it's just sex- while the other one is lonely and desperate for any form of attention and validation they can get, including " friands " ( notice the commas)with benefits.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2013):
 Amen to YouWish, couldn't have said it better.
I do NOT understand why the youth of today (yea, that makes me sound old but hey, I call it as I see it) want to WASTE their time being basic FUCK BUDDIES (because let's face it.. you do not FUCK your friends, the whole FWB is a messed up phenomenon that mostly guys (some girls do it too), take FULL ADVANTAGE off. They GET the sex, without any effort, they get a "pseudo GF" when they WANT one around, and if SHE wants more, or develop feeling, it's over.
And then they jump to the next and the next til they find a girl who says FUCK NO! to FWB and casual sex. Noe, HER they will DATE! And maybe even be with long term.
And all the while these guys JUDGE the girls who do FWB - they are fine enough to Fuck, but still somehow beneath them. Even IF they guys are doing the exact same thing.
FWB is a time waster, get a good vibrator and you get the EXACT same thing, except you won't get emotionally attached to the vibrator (I hope).
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 November 2013):
 I'm glad you wrote here, to be honest. You ask a truly intriguing question, and the plethora of answers you'll get is worth reading and writing. Sure, we've seen many questions regarding FWB and one of the parties starts developing feelings, and there's the classic letdown and heartbreak that inevitably follows. There's the promise of "something more" only to find out that the mirage of a carrot is dangled just long enough to drain the sexual favors dry until the intelligence level of the person extracting sex fails to come up with the next sweet nothing, the next empty promise, the next excuse, the next control.
Then there's you. You, whose intimacy issues have you yearning for genuine affection, yet so terrified of pain that you're willing to accept simulated affection until it runs dry because there's nothing real behind it. Yes, the "good stuff" sweetens the honeypot until you're "gotten" and then subsides until you've been "run dry".
In a real relationship, the "good parts" get better. You got burned and traumatized by a guy who used you. Maybe more than one, so you put up the wall of walls and use FWB as a way to get the good stuff without feeling the sting of the heartache you've had inflicted on you.
All I can tell you is my story. I've been married 15 years and have been with him for 20. I love him more than I ever have, and he feels the same. The "good stuff" has never ended. The cuddling, the kissing, the telling me I'm beautiful, the sex, the adventure. There's much BETTER stuff when time and love enrich a relationship. Do we have bad days? Yeah. Do we argue? Of course.
FWB can *never* give you anything but a cheap imitation of what you're looking for. It's like the difference between a pure, icy cold delicious glass of water....and tepid backwash. There will always be an emptiness to the so-called "good stuff". You will never find what you're looking for except a memorial of the horrible pain you went through every time an FWB ends. The true definition of FWB means that there are no strings, no feelings, no expectations even of a true friendship, and no illusions of a relationship down the line.
You're 30-35. When is the time, when is the moment when you'll look past that defining pain and consider your long-term plans? If you're happy being single for the rest of your life, then you'll run through FWB's and feeling hollow and empty and used. However, if your future plans include the possibility of having a true partner in life, then it's time to stop letting your pain define your view of men.
...............................
|
