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Decided to take a break from each other. Will he think it's a permanent thing by April?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2015)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Okay, firstly we've only been broken up a few hours so this question is more of a future problem solving one. We broke up because life schedules mean we never see each other. I literally have work 7 days a week and it clashes with his days off so we're barely free at the same time.

It then started taking a toll on our phone communication because it's all we have but it wasn't strong enough. Sometimes we'd go days without knowing what the other was up to and even then conversation was minimal. We keep saying we'll try harder and it's been months with no change. So I regrettably broke things off.

We love each other and didn't want to break up but for me I thought it was the only solution cos we've given ourselves so many opportunities to repair things. He's a really good guy and I do see a long future with him. However if we remain broken up I don't want to call it a break.

I want it to be a clear separation. BUT should I give into my feelings and say I made a mistake and we'll try again for the 100th time? Should I give it a month or two and sort of make a fresh start?

I feel like a couple of months is a long enough break up period for us to reconnect after. Or should I wait until my schedule clears and I'm done with uni in April? It's just April seems too far away and too much can change I'm scared he'll believe the break up is for good and move on.

But I also don't want to keep him on a leash and on a promise by saying "we'll get back together in april" because even though I 1000% would want to because he's done nothing wrong, I kind of want this break up to be clear cut. What should I do?

View related questions: a break, broke up, get back together, move on, period

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 November 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think in general "where there is a will there is a way".

Taking "breaks" rarely work, because people presume that taking a break will FIX what ever issue caused the break and everything will be problem-free and working fine after a break.

THAT is not really reality.

The issues you two are having are not going to be resolved by taking a break.

You have both made promises, but neither of you kept them. And I think if you were a great match you would have found a way to make it work with what little time you have. You haven't.

And I agree with WiseOwlE - if you feel like you really don't HAVE the time for a relationship, then wait till you do. Otherwise you end up getting some half-hearted situation that does neither of you good.

Pretty sure If someone told me that we were having a break till April, that I would tell them OK then we are done, I'm sorry I'm not going to sit on my hand for 6 months while the other one decide to either make room/time for me or not. I'd probably go out and find someone who would make ME a priority.

Now with that said, there is nothing wrong in focusing on your career/job - but you will have to accept that it DOES come at a cost. The cost is? You won't have time for much else for a while, that includes a BF.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (1 November 2015):

celtic_tiger agony auntSometimes in life you meet people, at the wrong time.

There are many "good guys" out there, who will be there at the right time..

Sometimes in life, relationships have to take a back seat whilst we focus on more important things.

From what you have written it appears that your relationship has been rocky for a while and hint that you have had "breaks" before.

In my experience, with people I know those that have lots of breaks are generally not suited to a long term relationship. It might be hard to accept, but in the long run all you will do is make each other unhappy.

A good relationship works thru whatever is thrown at it. Both parties work towards keeping the connection alive. The fact that neither of you will put in the effort to keep communication going suggests that subconsciously your hearts are not really in it.

Sometimes in life you have to accept that a relationship isn't going to be long term, and let your partner go and find someone who is more suitable.

You say you are finishing uni in April - what happens then? Where are you going to live? Will you be able to get a job locally? What if you have to move to another part of the country to get a job?

I work in the University system, and have taught many students and seen many relationship issues over the years. The majority of uni relationships do not survive beyond graduation, that is the harsh truth. People change, go their separate ways, and move on with their lives. Very few continue beyond into the future.

Being single will give you a whole lot more options to develop your own future and set yourself up for the rest of your life. You only get one shot at it, so don't waste it by waiting, and wasting time hanging on for a man who might break up with you in a few years time, by which point you will have missed the graduate job train, and been overtaken by the next batch of fresh graduates going into the job market.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 October 2015):

You have to make up your mind and know what you're doing.

"Taking a break" is often interpreted as a breakup; and therefore people psychologically and emotionally start the detachment process. Especially men!

If you don't have time for a relationship, then end it and start a new one with someone you have time for. Don't expect someone to place their love-life on hold for your convenience. You said you mutually agreed? Yes, you with one thing on your mind; but you had better hope you're both entirely on the same page about this. You hardly have time to talk, so I speculate this was done spur of the moment.

Women may see it as a just taking a little hiatus from the stress and distress of an unresolved problem; but men start to drift. The freedom and time-off will ignite a desire to wander. We will often feel you don't want us anymore; or just decide WTF! So, you had better have a good talk; and both should mutually explore whether or not your time schedules can be adjusted to continue with your relationship.

When men initiate taking a break, it is a prelude to cheating, he has someone else in-mind, or he is dealing with a female-psycho; and he is getting his legal and mental ducks in a row. Preparing psychologically for the hell he anticipates he'll experience; because some people will not accept rejection without retaliation. That is true of both genders, in fact.

I venture to guess that your relation is waning, and has lost its chemistry anyway. Your priority is your job. Why must you work seven days a week? Are you a doctor or nurse? An around the clock technician on call? In a profession that demands that you sacrifice all of your personal-time and disrupts your relationships; so you'll lose everything you build outside of the job?

Take pause for reflection and introspection. You need to give this some thought.

Unless lives depend on your service; and/or you are in dire financial straights, you had better move your man up on your list of priorities. Guys don't go without sex for long, and they don't like being placed conveniently on hold, while you dilly-dally about how to fix things. There should be open-communication and a mutual-effort of how to address the issue of work schedules, and a concerted effort of compromise. That's how you maintain a good relationship.

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