A
female
age
51-59,
BigSis
writes:Just a little light comic relief, some entertainment if you like - sort of based on some of the problems here on Dear Cupid. Feel free to lighten your load : ) I'll start by submitting 8 things that I think guys would 'LOVE' to hear from their gals. (I'm sure you'll agree, boys).1. 'I'm bored, let's shave my pussy.'2. 'Are you sure you've had enough to drink?'3. 'That fart was awesome, do another one!'4. 'Of course i'll swallow - I love the taste of cum!'5. 'No, thats alright, you drink all that beer and watch porn, i'll wash the cars, then mow the lawn.'6. 'Just for a change, could you put it in my arse?'7. 'How about you get that hot girl from work to join us.'8. 'Marriage?...No way!!'(Carlsberg don't do girlfriends...but if they did - they would be the best in the world!)Now here are 8 things 'I KNOW' us girls would love to hear from our guys. (I know you'll agree, girls).1. 'Oh go ahead, darlin', eat that third piece of double chocolate fudge cake. If it's one thing I hate - it's skinny women!'2. 'How about we invite your mum to stay the weekend?'3. 'Let me give you a full body massage for a change, including a foot rub.'4. 'You know that Pamela Anderson bird?...well she just doesn't have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.'5. 'Careful darling, don't let it get too far down your throat.'6. 'There's nothing on TV tonight except football, let's go shopping instead.'7. 'If the guys ring and want me to go to that new lap-top dancing club, tell them I'm busy, I really want to get the lounge painted tonight.'....and finally,8. 'You know something sweetheart?..i'm so glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.'(Carlsberg don't do boyfriends...but if they did - they would be the best in the world!)
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with holy scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Roman Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
~^~^~^~
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse ~ this is called 'Monotony'.
Don't you just love children....I do, I used to go to school with them.
xXx
A
female
reader, VegasGirl15  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 haha as always it's very funny !!!!! :D
heres a few I found
hope you like it !!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TRUTH IN THE INNOCENCE OF YOUTH
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT THE SUPERMARKET
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN EASY ENOUGH MISTAKE
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A MAN MEETS A GENIE
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON HONEYMOON
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OBSERVING THE BABY
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
HAHAH LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DAD GETS WITH IT
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BUYING CONDOMS
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GUESSING GAMES FOR DINNER
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DRIVING HOME ONE AFTERNOON
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON A TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHT
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IN THE BRIDAL SUITE
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HONEYMOON IN A LOG CABIN
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GETTING USED TO IT
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DURING THE WEDDING REHEARSAL
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.
"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE 4TH GRADERS
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PROUD FATHER
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JUST A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RECOVERING FROM THE SURGERY
A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."
He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thats all I gots for now !!!!
hope atleast one of them made ya laugh :D
OXOXOXOXOX - *~VG~*
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (11 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSweety Pie, very good, that made me laugh, thanks...but now you've gone and given the guys ideas on how to be a bit more careful when answering their wives.
Us girls have a very cunning way of catching our fellas out.... even if we don't mean to, {just like in the joke below} either that, or they're just too slow for us.
xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Haha heres a joke about men and women I think its kinda funny :)
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence -
HUSBAND:
F**k
...............................
A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (10 May 2008):
 Oh sweety that must have been awfull for you!!!!!!!
cheap medical care can be the same sweetheart! Just terrible.....I have american friends and WELL WHAT CAN I SAY BUT!!!!I JUST FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM!!!!!!
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist/colorectal surgeon in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
What a world hunny BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!!!!!!!! Here is a little laughter for u hun.....
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." (:0)
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (10 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mandy xXx
I phoned the Samaritans this morning because I needed some advice on something, and this was the automated service I had to listen to....
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are an obsessive compulsive ~ please press 1 repeatedly...
If you are co~dependant ~ ask someone to press 2 for you...
If you have multiple personalities ~ press 3~4~5 and 6...
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want ~ so stay on the line and we'll trace your call...
If you are delusional ~ please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship...
If you are schizophrenic ~ listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press...
If you are a depressive ~ it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you...
If you are dyslexic ~ press 69696969...
If you have a nervous disorder - please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep please wait for the beep...
If you have a short term memory loss ~ please try your call again later...
And if you have low self-esteem ~ please hang up all our operators are too busy to talk to you".
: ^ (
...............................
A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (10 May 2008):
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HOW EXCITIN!!!!!!!!I always wanted a crackajack penthil! (My knickers were showing again eh!!!whoops) At least they were pirate ones, Eat ya heartys out jack sparrow!!!!! OOOOOH I COULD JUST CRUSH A GRAPE!!!!(:0) Thanku soooooooooooooooo much, CONGRATS SIS!!!!TIS LIKE THE OTHCARS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (:0)
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (10 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYAY!! Mandy... you posted the 100th answer, I hereby award you with the Crackerjack pencil and a couple of cabbages or were ther cauli's...oh and 'Crackerjacks' web site.
www.nostalgiacentral.com/tv/kids/crackerjack.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks all you guys for adding to this Artical, it's been tremendous fun and I'd like to thank all of you who have inspired me to writing such nonsence with you lot.
I'd like to say a big thank you to Andrew, AKA Cupid for not contributing, and I would also like to speshly thank my mum and dad....for having me....even tho' they're not with us anymore.
*Takes a bow, waves and walks off stage holding hands with Mandy, who's too busy polishing her award with the bottom of her skirt, not realising that all her nickers are showning!*
BigSis
xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
OOOOOOH! 2 willys ta Tisha nice suprise b4 bed LOTS OF SQUIDGY HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Oh dear, Sis! Ham? Nearly right. It's also known as the 'Pork Sword'.
Damage to this particular part of the male anatomy is also referred to as 'Snapping the Banjo string'. I remember once when I was in Mombasa . . . . . . but I'd rather forget
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
 That was quite the eyeful. All the barbie outfits in the world couldn't make that pretty. EEwwwh!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
 BigSis, you learn AAALLLL kinds of things here on DC! Quite an ejimication... Sorry, Unky Phil, for the *gasp* factor!
And I've got some great new jokes from this thread, ta for that!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG!!! Tisha!! I googled 'frenulum breve' and I got an eyeful of willies!!!
I've never heard of that before.
I thought 'cos I mentioned salami in a Deli' I assumed 'frenulum breve' was a type of soft cheese or a ham of somekind.
xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
I don't know Phil! Send us a couple of pictures to compare them and I'll put them in the spank bank with the one from Waz!
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the shins...
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (9 May 2008):
Trust you pair to come up with something painful!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
Ooh, is that a possible treatment option for frenulum breve?
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A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhil, I'd like to see you wipe your's on my horizontal metal blinds, heeheehee!!!..the image would be just like you're slicing a salami in a deli.
: )
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (9 May 2008):
Footballers are just a bunch of pansies! I mean, in what other sport do 'men' go around jumping on each other and hugging and kissing each other when they score?
Apart from that, they use completely the wrong shaped ball. Compare the boy David Beckham with the man Martin Johnson. No bloody contest!
How do you make a woman moan?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk then, q1605...why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
To help them remember which end to wipe. SO HA!!
*
Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be men.
*
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
*
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".
Love you really!
: )
xXx
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A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
OOOOOH! I love to moan when I take a piss...Well its like meditation...
Originated generally in its present form in Britain.
Worlds oldest club formed in 1857 is Sheffield FC.
The most played and most watched sport on Earth.
Called football in practically every country except America, who call 'Grid Iron' football and football soccer :)
Famous rivalries include the Old Firm ( Scotland ), Manchester derby, London derbies, Milan derby, Real vs Barcelona, and many more.
Some famous players: Pele, Maradonna, Charlton, Eusebio, Cruyff, Dalglish, Ronaldo, Beckham, Mattheus I got me footyball facts book hunny
I love me footie as well wiz waz, GLAD TO SEE U GUYS HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH US GIRLIES XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 May 2008):
 why are women born with two sets of lips? so they can piss and moan
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A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
 Pic of Glasgow Rangers forward Nacho Novo here ladies....http://d.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/ng/sp/empics/4317299
So what is it with you girls you don't see a competent striker and keep distracting your bloke from discussing the real football issues?
Regards
Waz
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A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNacho's? Cutie? Tasty more like! I'd have him with melted chese any time of the day or night! Wouldn't mind dippin' that in me sauce pot!!!
I've always known what 'offside' meant, so there, NER!
Waz...Your version of the 'offside' rule was so very well explained...and excitin'...
...but I'm going to give you my definitions of the offside rule, here goes;
Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket.
Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.
A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.
All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Any clearer girls?
BigSis {A true 'footer fan'!}
: ^ )
xXx
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A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
Here's an important Wiz Tip to all the guys ie; Explaining The Offside Rule To Women (British Football)...
Okay love if the attacking team is going forward, no they are called "attacking" because they have the ball they are not actually fighting with anyone, anyway they are going forwards towards..I don't know why they just can't have a ball each will you just listen for a minute? So, if they pass the ball forward there must be..pfft pass it to one of their own players I meant, no the referee doesnt count, now shoosh you. Anyway if there are no opposing players between the passer and the...yes I agree most of them are well fit and that Nacho Novo may well be a "cutie" as you say, but can we just stick to the subject for a minute?
Where was I..yeah ok so there is no attacking player between the goalkeeper and the....oh for gawds sake woman I've no bloody idea if Novo has a gf or not! Now where was I..yes no opposition player between the goalkeeper..no I'm not getting mad at you ..so anyway ..oh really? You get turned on when I get angry? Wanna take this to the bedroom then for a bit of rough....?
Okay you naughty girl let me tie you up to the bed here first..make it more real if I put a gag on you..yeah you cant move or even speak you're all mine you bad girl even more excitin eh?
Okay..ready?
A player is in an offside position if he is nearer to his opponents' goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent. Now I'm off to watch the football on the telly will be back to sort you out later.
Regards
Waz
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A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
OK! BARBIE! EARLY MORNIN DRIBBLIN GOIN ON! XXXX
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A
female
reader, mandy7 + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
That was mcfunny mcsofiamorgan lots of mclove mcmandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TISH hun get a pee pee chair (:0) Im a barby girl in a barby world its fantastic! IS THAT PLASTIC? q1605 my little matey LOL!!!!!This is great for first thing in the mornin enta tainment XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 May 2008):
And what is love for a man. The delusion that one woman differs from another.
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A
female
reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa!! I got that in my emails too, Sophia.
FROM THE USA, AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
The government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from and Eagle to a Condom ~ because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
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A
female
reader, sofiamorgan +, writes (8 May 2008):
 I discovered these whilst I was going thru my emails and discovered these...and thought I might as well contribute something to this thread...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their bum to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No silly, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what the heck did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really horrible - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McStoopid
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
Mandy, those are priceless! I am HOWLING, hope none of the neighbors call the men with the padded vans and those little jackets with the extra long arms...
And Birdy, BigSis and the rest of you lot, I have had to run to the loo, my darlings or there would have been embarassing stains to 'splain. Birdy, please please please, new avatar!!! With the little tiny plastic high heeled pumps too? Pwetty pwease?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
MANDY - I've decided not to let my husband read that last joke because I know that he knows where my Barbie doll collection is and I have JUST RUN OUTTA TENNAS AND DEPENDS!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG - I just know what he be getting up to if he read that, and he probably wouldn't |
