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Deal breaker? Should I end my relationship with my fiance?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2016)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm really heart broken and disappointed.

I am in a LDR realtionship for 3 years and my fiancé is going to come where I live and get marry this summer. It has been an extremely difficult pat to get here.

We both are divorced his wife moved to another country with his child he is paying lots of money to go and visits the child every 3 months in a third country.

I live in Canada. The wife moved to Europe and my fiancé currently lives in another country so he has done a lot as I did to be together but sometimes the tension gets high mostly when he is visiting the child.

During this 3 years we have had 3 heated arguments and he disrespected me,the last one happened last night over really nothing, he called me and my family low class villagers and said he is going to end it and I said fine.

I have never ever disrespected him in anyways.

I am highly educated coming from a small town with a well known family.

So today he called me many times sent messages apologizing and mentioned how we both have acted childish and reminded me the long pat with all difficulties that we have passed to get here and how much he loves me and can't live without me and said lets act like a grown ups.

He has a hard time dealing with many stuff and also moving here and starts from zero is a big part of our arguments.

I do not trust my feelings anymore I have doubts I'm afraid it gets worst when he is here with giving up his business there and having a child in another country and my ex here back door.

I know you may say why I didn't think from the beginning but It just built up this way and we ended up together. He has been madly in love with me his whole life, I love him but not as crazy as he does love me.

I'm getting very worried and told him to just limit the contacts untill he gets here with fiancé visa and we have 3 months to get marry. Should I end the relationship?

I can't get over how he was disrespectful to me I have never had this problem in my entire life as my father has never been disrespectful no matter how angry he was and my ex husband was the same , we did argue but never ever disrespectful. Is this a deal breaker for you? He has it all beside his high temper.

Thank you for your help.

View related questions: divorce, fiance, money, my ex

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (1 April 2016):

Denizen agony auntNo - I think your instinct is right. I would give yourself far longer than three months to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - It sounds scary doesn't it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

I'm the op. Thank you for you advice.

I will spend the 3 months with him and won't marry him unless I'm 100%. He is not someone that I met online, he was my university classmate and we were dating for few months, just like friends nothing more, and he was just fine.

I have spent few weeks here and there seeing him and in person even though we have had arguments he was fine and no anger. Just my concern is these 3 times during these 3 years that he was abusive and hurtful.

He puts the blame on being apart from me and his kid and all the changes in both our lifes during few past years. Still I think nothing can justify the abuse.

He has apologized many times but last night I told him that I don't feel the same way. He is making an appointment for the interview soon so I was going to teavel and go with him for the interview but now I may not go.

Am I over reacting over this?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntYou are in a long distance relationship. Often when one person has anger management problems, they are not easy to see when long distance. You only see glimpses of it, like the last fight. Then you hang up the phone, or you log off, and that's the end of the fight. In REAL LIFE however, if he has anger management problems (high temper as you call it) the fight will NOT end there. It will escalate, and he will be more and more disrespectful.

The only way you can know for sure if he has a high temper, and if you can live with him or not, is to be with him IN REAL LIFE and not long distance. You should not marry him unless you have spent those 3 months with him just dating and being boyfriend/girlfriend.

I say this to you because I was in a long distance relationship too once, with a man from USA who I also argued with occasionally over the chatroom or over skype. It was the same as you describe, and then the next day he'd apologize and be the most wonderful man in the world. Then I went to be with him on a 3 month visa in USA. And he turned out to be a nightmare. First I found out that he had been lying to me for a long time, but being long distance I wasn't able to see it (so easy to hide things when long distance). I also found out he had a horrible temper, he would lie right to my face, he got physical, would hold me down or trap me in the room because he "wasn't finished with me yet" and kept yelling at me and calling me names etc.

These things I couldn't see over skype, you know? When long distance, he never put his hands on me, he couldn't stop me from logging off, he couldn't comment on everything I did etc.

So, you NEED to be with this man in real life in order to know who he actually is and how bad his temper is. I know from experience that a high temper is very easy to hide in long distance relationships, and abusive behaviour is even easier to hide. But in real life it shows.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2016):

Denizen agony auntYou don't have to marry him this summer - that is unless he needs to marry to gain citizenship. If that is the case then I would say, 'On your bike chum'.

If you feel unsure then take more time. Don't feel pressured to commit to a contract ie. marriage, when you have doubts. You can't know someone until you have actually spent time with them. It is then that people's foibles emerge.

A long distance relationship isn't really a relationship until you have spent a lot of time in each other's company. Before that you are just pen pals.

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