A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:helpi'v been seeing jon for nine months after being on my own for almost 2 years. my 17 year old daughter doesn't like him. she says he gets on her nerves and she can't stand him. i can tell this when he comes to my house. she really says nasty things about him.my daughter gives me a hard time and tells me to go to his house and asks why he has to come stay at mine.he stays 2 - 3 days at the most. i do stay at his one night, but don't like to leave her on her own too long.she goes out most weekends and sometimes doesn't come home or gets in around 4am. this worries me and jon knows this. so he probably finds her hard to get on with too because of the way she is with me. she is worst with me when he is around and shouts at me.I feel like i am the child and she is the parent sometimes.he treats me very nice, and he tries to talk to my daughter but she doesn't respond at all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I am in a similar situation as my 18 year old does not like my boyfriend. We have been together for a year now in May and a few months ago she decided that she did not want to see us together. He is 10 years younger then me, I am 42.
I was upset with her for coming home at 3:00 a.m. in the morning and she did not agree. That is when all of the other things came out. She has since not been at my house but is staying with her dad now full time, where before we were week to week.
Its a very tough situation because she feels that I have chosen him over her. That is not the case, and should not be forced into making a choice. In reality it is an ultimateum, if I am with him she will not be with me, and thats that.
So I am trying to be patient with hopes that it will pass. But in the mean time losing our mother/daughter relationship is very hard.
My boyfriend and I are very serious, and are moving in together this month. I know it is hard for her to understand as I'm sure it is for your daughter.
I have asked myself many times if what I am doing is wrong, but my answer is no. I am happy with him and we plan on having a life together. At 17 and 18 years old, they too have a life that really does not involve us a whole lot. They will go to school, get a job, meet someone and probably not be in the house for too much longer.
I think we need to be fair to ourselves too. No one has the right to tell you who to be with or not to be with. Just as we can not tell them.
Good Luck, hope it all works out. But I do agree that you should know where you are going in your relationship to make sure you are on the same page.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): I am more concerned with the fact that you think you are the child and she is the parent in the household.
What on earth is a 17 year old doing out all night and coming home at 4 am and you are allowing it, as if you have no power to change it. She needs boundaries from you, she needs to know that you are in charge and set the ground rules and that she has to follow them...that is showing her love. I think she sounds lost and without guidance and parenting from you and that is why she is railing against you having a boyfriend stay the night with you. You are setting an example for her. Are you and Jon engaged, planning on getting married? If not why are you sleeping with him several nights a week at your home?
She sees your relationship with him as one without committment, she may not like him because she sees something you don't, that the guy is not that serious about you or staying in your life, so why should she get attached to him. She may be trying to be the adult in charge here because you are showing poor judgement in her eyes. I know you are wanting to be happy and have an adult relationship and it is difficult when you have children, but I would find out how committed this man is to you and have him talk to her in front of you and make this commitment to her as well....you two are a package deal....try to include her in some activities with the two of you, something that she would enjoy and let the two of them bond a little.
I don't have teenagers so I am not the best one to ask on how to handle them, but I can point out a few things I see that need to change and pronto....tell her you don't like her speaking to you in a disrespectful tone. Empathize with how she feels first, try to understand where she is coming from, seek first to understand, then talk to her about solutions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): If she were younger, like 5 or something, yeah, I would seriously consider not dating the guy. However, she's almost an adult and you can date who you want now and it's really none of her business and she has no right to disrespect you or him or your relationship. Honestly, sounds like you didn't have good reign on her before you even met him considering she stays out until 4am. She's accustomed to getting her way and now is asserting control over who you date, not good. It's going to be difficult to take back your parental control after letting her rule the roost but it will ruin your relationship if you don't.
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A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (23 May 2009):
 The most important person in all this is your daughter. Don't loose her. You are all she has and she is obviously feeling 'pushed out'. It would be best if your boyfriend didn't stay overnight at your house. Stay in your relationship with him, go out with him, stay at his house but don't allow him to come between you and your daughter. Is it really going to kill you if he doesn't stay at your house overnight? I don't think so. I'm on my own with two sons and I try to keep my love life completely separate from them. Kids don't take too kindly to another adult being so 'familiar' with their mother. Your daughter is 17, a difficult age, soon she'll be grown up and will fly the nest. Make the most of your time with her and if your man is as nice as you say then he'll understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): Please think about this!
I have known many times where a woman was raped at a young age by her mother's boyfriend! This may be a cry for help! Please do not ignore it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): I'd talk to her about it. Unfortunately, she is your child, and while boyfriends come and go she will always be your child. As long as she is living with you, you need to put her first.
I hate to bring it up but it needs to be said...you owe it to both you and she to explore why she really dislikes this guy. It may just be your daughter acting immature, but what if "Jon" has said or done (or tried to do) something inappropriate with her?
When I was a teen my parents had a neighbor with whom they were very good friends. I hated the guy because he was always saying creepy/perverse things to me when no one else was there to hear it. Obviously this wasn't something I really wanted to come out and discuss with my parents, so all they saw was my intense dislike for this guy, which they couldn't understand because they had no idea he was saying these horrible things to me. I saw that they weren't taking me seriously so finally I told them what he said and they don't ask him around anymore. But if I didn't say anything we'd still have been in a situation very similar to that between you and your daughter. She may be uncomfortable with him. Find out why.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): You are the parent, she is the child, no matter how old you both are! She has no right to disrespect your boyfriend that way.
I have a daughter who has disrespected me in similar ways and worse, for over 30 years. We are now estranged, and she has disrespected me for the very last time! We live clear across the country from one another, and haven't spoken for almost a year. I haven't seen her in about 7 years.
It breaks my heart, but, I will not subject myself to her abuse. She knows I have had a difficult life. But yet, can't stand to see me happy.
You haven't actually asked a specific question. So I am just going to tell you what I think about your situation. For the last two years she has had you to herself. She doesn't want to share you with a stranger (in her eyes)
Don't let her dictate your life. Show her love and attention, stand up for yourself when she is disrespectful and mean to you or your boyfriend.
I wish you the best of luck with the situation.
Britt
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A
female
reader, arie  +, writes (23 May 2009):
 ok first of all YOU are the MOTHER and SHE is the DAUGHTER. you better put her in her place. if Jon makes you happy then stay with him. oh and she should be punished for staying out until four in the morning, that is how teens get kidnapped raped and pregnant. im sure u woulnt want ur daughter coming home talkin bout she pregnant. u need to set limits for her. she dosent have any and u dont punish her so she is not learning. she needs to have a curfew and if she breaks them, take away her right to go out on weekends. she is not the momma ok dont let her raise her voice on you, shell only do what u let her to u need to get da belt lolz ok some parents arnt comfortable whooping their children then your next option would be to start confrascating things that she likes or do the most. u be the parent cuz right now, she is running you and does not care about your happiness.so show her who is boss, and dont break up with jon k. good luck and i hope u liked my advice, godbless
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