A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm an dating this great girl. We have been together for about 8 months. The sex was never mind blowing. She is young and hasn't been able to orgasm with me. I think ( and she's said a lot of it was mental) she says she enjoys having sex with me, but she doesn't seem like it.She has all of the qualities that I'm looking for in a spouse. Except I don't feel the sexual chemistry like I think I should.We haven't been physical in almost 2 months. Not even making out. She has kinda become more of a friend.It's frusterating Her because she wants me to be affectionate with her and act like I'm her boyfriend. But I'm kind of getting to the point where I don't know of it's worth it.I think sexual chemistry should just come naturally. After you've stopped making it a priority do you think it takes effort to get back or is it something that should just be natural?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 July 2015):
 If your S/S/I menus and desires (that's: Sexual, Sensual, Intimate).... are not in concert, then you and she are wasting your time......
Ask her if what's going on is what she expects to "go on".... and, if so... then you and she need to go your separate ways.
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): You know what my first reaction was? And it is simply a hunch, so it might be wrong, but:
Have you asked her what has happened sexually to her in the past?
I don't want to imply anything. She might indeed be asexual, but the fact that she does want to have sex with you,she says she enjoys it when you are together and she wants you to initiate more are all clues to something else.
Plus, the biggest clue for me was her saying it was "mental".
I interpret this as a "mental block", i.e. something psychologically stopping her, rather than physically.
I'd approach this discussion/topic with a lot of care.
IF it's not that-she still needs to find out why the mental block is there.
Let us know how you get on,will ya?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): "Sow her kindness, patience, and stop acting as though she has something to prove"
What I meant was:
"Show her kindness, patience, and stop acting as though she has something to prove"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): I'm finding it hard to find a correlation between falling in love with someone; and whether you can make them orgasm. Maybe I'm a little bit dumb here.
I think you both need time to concentrate on what is truly the most important thing that will work; and eventually spark the type of chemistry you are looking for. The attraction is already there. She is young; perhaps inexperienced in many ways. She needs to trust you. You're are making her feel she is under a microscope, and has something to prove to you. Like she's auditioning for the coveted role as your girlfriend and possible spouse. She has to meet high standards you've set, and she can't relax herself enough in your presence. You're a legend in your own mind, sir.
She wants you to sweep her off her feet.
You are both setting expectations on one another that aren't in sync. I can see where she is coming from. You're missing the mark entirely.
Trust is the most important foundation to build your relationship upon. Earn her trust, and you will win her heart. Sow her kindness, patience, and stop acting as though she has something to prove. She will be very receptive to you. I think you are a good man. The rare type willing to commit. Just a little to much into yourself. You remind me of someone that I loved very much.
You are looking at sexual compatibility; and she is looking for something more emotional from you that may release what she's holding back. She doesn't love you yet. You're rushing her. You haven't built-up the trust she needs that will allow her to give herself to you fully. I went from one person to the next, because few people can understand that. I'm not a woman. I just understand that part of them.
One of the things that kept me from enjoying sex with people was the fact they rushed me; because they liked me.
They needed some sign of approval from me; when I was still trying to get to know what they were all about, and why they liked me. I think she is going through that phase.
Here's what's going on in her head:
What is it about me that he likes? Is it what I want him to like? Does what I feel really matter, or do I have to live-up up to his standards and expectations? I can't let myself go; because I just can't trust him enough to be that vulnerable. If I fail, he'll make me feel like shit. Lots of guys like me because I'm pretty. Lots of guys want to have sex with me. They don't really love me, they just like having sex with me. Is he like all the rest?"
I wish I could talk to her and hear her side of this. It's not all about what you're looking for, it is also about what she needs to feel comfortable enough with you that she can open up to you.
Maybe you're right. It's not going to work. You have no patience. You're all ego, and it's all about you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 July 2015):
 I think think she either doesn't REALLY enjoy sex, or... you two are not a good match sexually (as in.. not pleasing each other). My guess is though, that she has a very low libido - THAT will not change unless she finds out the root of it. Like the type of birth control pill she is taking, or she isn't TELLING you what DOES make her orgasm, or what she likes in bed out of some sense of modesty.
I think by 8 months? it should be totally natural. there can still be a few "kinks" that needs sorted out, but I would presume that 8 months into a relationship sex would still be HOT and HEAVY -and both parties would be able to talk about it.
And I think that needs to be your next step.
TALK to her.
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