A
male
age
36-40,
*oul832016
writes:I know I should be thankful for my marriage, home and trying to build up to a good life. But I have just woken up this morning and feel like maybe my marriage is just too hard to keep going.Mainly because our communication is terrible. I had hoped that we could have shared a meal together when she said she was starving. I told her I needed a minute to get ready but she drove off without. Which forced me to catch a taxi to catch up to her. The meal was spent with us barely talking and unhappy.When we got home tensions were still high as we had to clean up. It was 3am by the time we got to sleep. I'm still adjusting back from night shift rotation so I can't sleep.I wanted to muck around a bit at bed time but she was still being angry and swore/told me to shut up and stonewalled me.Rather than have a positive experience, I was driven off on, yelled at, sworn at and told that the day of her ovulation was likely the day before yesterday when I was having a hard time with sex before work. I wasn't able to finish at all. I thought we could have a go last night but of course not...we may have missed the window again this month because she was fighting with me and too tired.But rather than getting along and being nice to each other, there is just loads of contempt and negative communication.I'm starting to wonder why she can't treat me right. I am even planning a holiday for myself to Europe next year because she told me previously that she doesn't have the time for me.I watch all of my friends communicating well together, cherishing their marriage, making time for each other, taking small trips and talking about everything.And then I see my own marriage where every night I cook and eat alone, I lead a separate life, make my own plans, hardly talk with my wife (because she acts disinterested or doesn't want to talk about her things).I couldn't imagine us sitting and doing stuff together. She is always off working and running around with friends. Work is her priority.So I'm not sure that settling down was the right move. We only just moved into this house and I signed up for a mortgage. Her parents will be arriving soon to stay in the other room.I'm just disappointed. We don't go anywhere because we are busy but even a simple meal has to turn into heartache.I had only ever prayed for a happy marriage but it's not happening.I said some words on the messenger that I regret a bit when I discovered her gone to eat the seafood without me. I lost it and spoke my mind. Called her a b****rd, I hate you, eat without your husband all the time, our marriage is just fighting and hurting each other and it's all bullshit. She tried to say she still loved me but I felt like she was trying to make a joke out of leaving me behind.But some of my true feelings surfaced last night. I even told the taxi driver I was so angry that I was ready to divorce.The day before we moved in, we started to package some things to the new home. Even then we fought. I accidentally put her stringed instrument down a bit hard on the ground but not enough to damage it, and she kicked me so hard in the arm that it took more than two weeks for the bruise to heal. I told myself that I'm nothing but a mongrel dog to her.Honestly, I couldn't perform the other night out of tiredness and because she started swearing at me not being able to properly pleasure her. She wanted to see porn but I refused to let her watch it while I work on her. There was no fun, no foreplay just her swearing and frustration and telling me to hurry up as she had other things to do. I explained that I couldn't perform like that and need to feel her love, touch etc.She tried to participate but it was no use and I had to leave for night shift after feeling humiliated at getting small during the act.I am unhappy a lot. And hate how much I weigh now too. Think I look ugly. I look forward to losing weight when I start back at the gym :)I am tired of how we relate to each other and I desperately need a good book or counsellor to broach the topic.I started on communication a few days ago but it never sunk in for her. The selfish actions like last night leave me feeling like she doesn't really love me at all. Not a mature love anyway. I feel like her EQ is low and I'm just as bad for letting things go for so long.Even our sex is so ordinary and not connected. It's almost emotionless and just about making a baby. That's it. Not enjoyable or connecting at all.We don't have a spark for each other and she doesn't seem to understand what I said previously about connection and feeling connected.We had some kind of connection in the early years of our relationship but it slowly eroded after the first 18 months.Now we have been together for 7.5 years and coming up to 5 years of marriage.Every birthday has been spent alone and anniversaries not celebrated properly at all.I keep blaming myself and saying all my bad habits and lack of social skills before I met her are to blame for my life being a mess.I need help and guidance more than ever.
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female
reader, TamedVixen  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 From the comments it appears you have been unhappy a long time. It also appears you don't leave. I am not sure why. Maybe it is the same as women? Low self-esteem makes you think you won't ever get anyone else?
Quit doing everything for her. Just like with women married to abusive men.....Every time you grovel you just give them more power.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2016):
 If you are not ready to let go off the marriage and get a divorce then sign up to couples counselling. It is worth a shot so you can both talk things through with a professional. It sounds to me like she is no longer loving like a wife. She wants a child and is not emotionally involved with you at all. Please stop trying for a child, that will make matters worse. Am innocent baby should not be brought in to this mess. Sort out your marriage either you both work on it or you end it.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (3 October 2016):
 Ive given you a lot of advice on here along with many other aunts and uncles on this site and I dont think you care about anyone's answer. I will say this though, you have extremely low self esteem. You need help. Your marriage will continue to deteriorate until there will be nothing left of you. Bringing a child into this marriage will make that child wake up everyday questioning why his father sits there while his mom abuses him and I wonder what it will do to her/his self esteem as they age.
You wont and cant leave this marriage. I think you need to seek a psychiatrist or therapist on steps to gain back clarity and your self esteem. Nothing we say will change anything but maybe seeking help at a medical facility will hopefully garner you some clarity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): I have read many of your posts and it's clear that you are in a an abusive marriage both emotionally and physically. I know this because many years ago so was I. It's not acceptable for anyone to kick another person no matter what they've done.Your worn down by many years of it and it's clear that your self esteem and confidence are at rock bottom. All the way through your post you blame yourself or feel that you should change something to make your relationship better but it's not your fault. It's clear that your wife doesn't love you, care for you or in any way find you attractive so it's hardly surprising that you can't enjoy sex with her when she swears at you and tells you to "get on with it". Who could, or indeed would want to?You often say "she doesn't understand" or "it hasn't sunk in" but the person that doesn't get it is you. She won't agree to counselling because this suits her and she doesn't care. Believe me she's no fool. I know you both work long hours and that's another thing you blame, but many people do and have happy relationships, cherishing the little time they spend together. If you "impregnate" your wife (as she charmingly puts it) things will only get worse for you, much worse. Your only purpose will be to help provide an income for her, your child and her parents. She'll probably take lovers and flaunt them in front of you. Eventually she may decide to divorce you; making sure she gets as much as possible financially of course. You mentioned a month ago that you'd seek counselling, have you? If not you should as it might help you find your own way out. If you want a book to read try this: Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Philip W. CookI eventually left my ex-husband and yes it was hard but I never looked back and I am now married to a lovely man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): The only way out mate is divorce and run and never look back. Dont make a baby because that will only make more complication for you to break out of this bondage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 If she's willing to have a baby with you and not with anyone else, it means she doesn't care about love and marriage, as long as she gets to check off items in her to do list in life. You are someone who sponsors her citizenship, and probably her parents too. If making a baby with you makes it more convincing that she married you for love, she would do it.
I think you know what to do but find it hard to break the news to her because it would make you realize what a mistake it was to be involved with her in the first place. You hope that by loving her and by talking, it would change her. The world would be a wonderful place if this can be accomplished. The painful truth is that there are many people who can not be loved. She is an workaholic for a reason, to avoid intimacy.
You can vent all you want, and everything would stay the same until you change it. Your life is stable, the only thing you have to do is not make her pregnant. So if she's not that interested in sex, it would help so that you won't be tied to her as long as she lives. And the baby would not suffer from neglect and an angry mom. The second thing you must not do is hit her back, when you reached a point that the anger in you is just too much.
You are obviously well read, so you don't need any more books. You just need to muster up the courage, and tell her you are getting a divorce. I know that she mentioned a few times, maybe as a joke about divorce, or go marry a nice girl who cooks with you, etc. But are you worried what she might do if you actually go through with the divorce since she has violent tendencies?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): "I need help and guidance more than ever."You've been asking for and subsequently ignoring the help and guidance offered for years. I have no illusions this will ever change. I remember the last time you posted I commented I'd be interested in how long before the next crisis and you were somewhat offended I even suggested such a possibility.No point in offering the obvious advice so all I can do is implore, beseech and beg you to NOT sentence an innocent newborn to the hellish childhood s/he will inevitably endure at the hands of your psycho wife, which will certainly include your wife using your spawn as a weapon against you. You seem to be content to sit back and allow her to make your life an eternal living hell, but if you don't have the balls to stand up for yourself then at least have the common decency to NOT visit your perpetual misery upon a helpless child.Do you really want your son to end up as a pussy-whipped, whimpering, cowering shell of a man or your daughter to be a narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, sociopathic, ball-busting bee-yotch? Children live what they learn.
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