A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have realized now that I've been in a co-dependent relationship. I also married my partner of years because I didn't think I'd ever find "the one" for me and I was ok with that. All I wanted was to be able to just go through life and survive. I've been heartbroken before and I just dont want to feel anything and just want to support my husband just as he asked despite not being sure if I really loved him. Our relationship have been through a lot of issues but we persevered. Our marriage just made things worse and I was going to file for divorce on our 3rd yr. Enter this co-worker who told me not to, who advised me to seek counsel. But in the course of getting to know each other, he made me feel things i thought died. I started to act like my old self again, started being happy and started to feel that going after my dreams aren't so stupid after all. We both expressed we like each other. We both ended things because it was wrong. I left my job. We haven't spoken since. I have separated from my husband and contemplating divorce. I have been enjoying being single for the first time in my life. I still miss my co-worker everyday but I have learned to let him go because I dont want to ruin his life by being involved with me. I think this is what love should feel like, not out of duty, but since it was born out of an emotional affair, I should question if it could be real. It "feels" real but we didn't go through difficult time like my husband did. But we've spoken with each other in lengths about issues that mattered to me and him, about his family's situation and about our personal dreams, and dreams of what a "family" should be, in that short amount of time than I ever did with my husband.My husband tells me that I used to look/act that way before towards him. He tells me that he couldn't understand why after 10+yrs of being together, my "feelings" is the only thing that mattered to me and I'm willing to end my relationship because of it. He tells me I've wasted his time and now he will be alone because the only person he trusted is leaving him for good. I feel guilty for making him go through this. Part of me is willing to stay because of this guilt but I realize now, that it could make things worse and marriage shouldn't be borne out of that.I have no intention of chasing the guy if I leave my husband, but could there be "real love" in an emotional affair? Or should I see that as only an infatuation? My husband tells me what he and I have is "true love", but why doesn't it "feel" like its love? Is it because we've been together for years and it has grown to a different form of love? I dont trust him anymore that we could ever be happy together. I want out but maybe I shouldn't. He is a good man. But for the first time in a long while, i just want to feel alive again. That co-worker reminded me of who I used to be, of a future I have given up on and I'm willing to do it alone. But obviously, I wish he would be there beside me. I cannot control his future, I can only control mine but I also wish I didn't have to hurt my husband through this but I already have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not going to say I understand love because love in itself is a complicated thing. The purest kind of love that I understand is one that thinks and does what's best for that other person not your own. And I agree that true love is supported by actions not just feelings.After years of dealing with this situation, I realized that I loved them both. But for very different reasons and obviously the situation made things more complicated. I think love is sacrifice. I stopped pursuing what it is with that other guy because it wasn't appropriate and he deserved a real relationship, which now he has chosen with someone else. My marriage has ended because we both realized that we couldn't add happiness in each other's lives no matter how much we try.I think letting go of someone is also love. It's accepting that you are not right for each other no matter how much you want it to is also a sign of love. My hope is that we all find fulfillment in our lives even if we're no longer in each other's lives. I will always be grateful for the good memories i once had with them. I was lucky enough to feel what it is like to fall in love and love someone and I'll never regret meeting them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): If 'love' is sitting around pining for someone then people fall in love at the drop of a hat. The 'love' you speak of is superficial. It is a fleeting connection between two lost souls. Being able to talk candidly about your problems with a third party who can neither do nor say anything to change your situation is the easiest thing to do because you simply offload and they simply listen. There are no duties, obligations, responsibilities, expecations or promises. That's why some people find themselves opening up more to random strangers than to someone they are actually close to. So you talked about your dreams. And then what?In my humble opinion, love is a verb. To love is to carry out specific actions. If you profess to love someone from the comfort of your sofa without actually being an INTEGRAL PART OF THEIR LIVES then how is that love? You can't LOVE him when you haven't been in his life in any significant way. Him narrating his problems to you and you listening passively a few stolen hours a week is easy. Love is putting up with his smelly feet and living with him chewing with his mouth open as well as being the first one he calls when a big event (good or bad) happens. I'm not denying your feelings or your strong connection. I'm saying when you call it love, you overlook the COMMITMENT that comes with loving someone. What you had rejuvinated you and that's great, but love is more demanding than what you two had. I don't use 'demanding' in any negative way here.I hope I didn't trivialise your feelings but you asked if people having an affair can love and well, I don't think so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): I totally know where your coming from. That feeling of wanting to be alive again is so refreshing. Of course there can be love from an emotional affair very much love. Be true to you and go with it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Love is a complicated emotion, easily confused with several others: infatuation, gratitude, relief, among others. We can lose track of ourselves in a long-term relationship. We make compromises, adjustments, accommodations, so after a period of time we are no longer the person we were when the relationship began. I don't know if that's "better", or inevitable, or necessary -- I'm wrestling with the same questions myself.
You don't say how long your association with the co-worker was, but I'll hazard the guess that it was short enough that you got the high of a new and important emotional connection, but not so long as to get the buzz-kill that happens when you have to start working at a relationship that's going to endure for the long run. In short, it was more likely infatuation than "love" (to quote Prince Charles in a sadly foreshadowing interview, "whatever 'love' is"). That doesn't mean that love can't develop out of an emotional affair, just that you didn't get a chance to find out in this case.
We're all on a journey. Sometimes to grow we have to do what's right for ourselves, and sometimes that means others feel hurt. It takes courage to recognize and act on that. You're dealing with difficult choices, but it sounds like you're doing it for the right reasons. My best wishes to you as you travel that path.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (23 March 2015):
 You speak with such emotional maturity. You beautifully described the angst we all experience when we are trying to figure out what love is. I believe that love is subjective. If you feel that the strong connection you had with your co-worker is love, then it is love. He revived your dying spirit. He helped to guide you back to your true path. Maybe what you shared with your husband at one time was love. The relationship served its purpose in both your lives. You are now following an inner calling to let go of your marriage and get back to your true self. You are doing nothing wrong. Your husband will learn a great lesson from all this too. Hopefully in time you can both forgive each other and thank each other for the lessons you learned from one another.
All the best to you on this journey of self-discovery.
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