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Could it be my social anxiety or am I right to feel left out?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 December 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ebeccaa writes:

Hey guys I need your help with something.

About a month ago I went out with my boyfriend and a few of his friends, two of them being a girl and her boyfriend. My boyfriend still has a big friend group from when he was at school (girls and guys).

One day one of the girls who I've met before I usually get along with was out with her family and boyfriend and asked if me my boyfriend and a few of his other friends would go and meet them for a drink. I was a little hesitant as I had work the next day but after some persuasion by my boyfriend I went. We got there and she text saying actually they'd had too much to eat and we're going home I wasn't happy so I said no we've made the effort they should come and meet us, they did for one drink.

So whilst having this drink the girl began talking about a day they were all going out around another city during the day and coming back to our town at night. She then turned to me and invited me I said I'd have to get it off work. I begged for some annual leave which took me forever to get for this particular day. Now the other girls who were going I had never met and the plan was to go around this other city separate just the girls and the guys go off on their own. I suffer with social anxiety and low self esteem anyway and struggle meeting new people at times.

I expressed my anxiety to my boyfriend and he asked her if we could meet up one day before so I wouldn't feel so left out in response to this she said it would be better if I didn't go as I could make it awkward. Now as I'm sure you can imagine this made my anxiety much worse and I was very upset my boyfriend said I was over exaggerating and went along with it. My boyfriend then said I could just meet them when they get back to our town as they will all be together then and I wouldn't be left out as he would be there. I was very upset over this and this made me even more anxious about going at all. But I let it slide eventually and agreed to meet them at the night time. To try and give myself a bit of confidence I had my hair and make up done during the day, before they came back I found out they had not actually split up in this other city and had actually stayed together so this situation caused friction between me and my boyfriend and caused me to have mega anxiety issues all for nothing. When I got there two of them were awfully drunk one of the girls boyfriends was all over one of the other girls who was terribly drunk. One of the girls who my boyfriends mum has told me can be pretty nasty and bitchy at times (this was another reason I was anxious over going) didn't even speak to me however I kept seeing her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Then half of them went to one pub and went home then I was left with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, obviously I stayed out I hadn't gone to that much effort for nothing. My boyfriend won't say a thing to them. I am so annoyed over this. What do you all think about this? Should my boyfriend have stuck up for me a bit more? Should I have been invited around the other city with them? Do you think it was wrong of them to say it would be awkward with me there and then go home when I got there after I had gone to so much effort? Do you think it's just my social anxiety that is making me feel like I've been left out or is this a genuine issue?

Appreciate your help.

View related questions: confidence, drunk, self esteem, split up, text

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2017):

CassieMosswing agony auntLike I said they should have worded it better. They probably didn't intentionally mean to make you feel unwanted in their group knowing you have anxiety that's reasons why they said it's better if you stay at home. Since you said you already have friends who love you then there shouldn't be a real loss in hanging out with your boyfriends friends should there?

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A female reader, Rebeccaa United Kingdom +, writes (22 December 2017):

Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Rebeccaa agony auntApologies to you all for coming across as such a nasty person, but I do have my own friends and family whom I am very much loved by, and yes when I'm around people whom I am comfortable with I am too a social butterfly hence why I click with my boyfriend. However when I'm around people who aren't very friendly, or welcoming themselves I tend to close myself off. Who can blame me. From them initially saying it would be awkward with me there after being invited I'd already got the vibe I wasn't wanted. I wasn't asking for anyone to change their plans at all, I was simply asking to be invited to this event I had worked so hard to get off after first off being invited. I was also wanting to just be welcomed which I didn't feel. I would have gone through them personally as I'm not a two faced person and would rather say something to someone's face however my boyfriend asked me not to and said he would sort it himself.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (21 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThis is a group off friends who you have only came in to and you are making demands and asking them to change plans. Then when they don't you go mad. You sound very judgmental from your post, they are all adults if they want to get drunk that is there choice. If they decided not to split up again there choice. You need to stop thinking that everyone is going to make plans to suit you, especially since these are your boyfriends friends and not your own.

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (19 December 2017):

CassieMosswing agony aunt What do you all think about this?

I think your blowing things out of proportion and anxiety can do that. even so, why would you want to go out with bitchy ladies anyway...if you heard it from your boyfriends mom? You probably had the luckiest escape. I would of said give it a try to go with the ladies that are separated from the guys if they was more compassionate but they might be bitchy ladies so why should you bother? If you want you could abolish the events with them and be a domesticated girlfriend and just live in your own environment not having to worry about splitting up in town, plus, you get space from your boyfriend. Either way what you do is your choice. I don't really see the difference between the girls and guys splitting up in another city making you more anxious than having the boys and girls all together back in your own town. You still have to get to know and chat with the other ladies who are still there not the ones who have gone home. You could say your boyfriend is there to comfort you but even so, You still have to speak to them.

Should my boyfriend have stuck up for me a bit more?

He could of talk with the woman that sets up the itinerary and say that his girlfriend (you) want for all of them to stay together know what woman like..they usually like to separate from the guys because they...want conversations about men or other things.

Should I have been invited around the other city with them?

You did get invited but you showed to your boyfriend it was a issue for you.

Do you think it was wrong of them to say it would be awkward with me there and then go home when I got there after I had gone to so much effort?

She could of actually not use the word awkward she could of use the word being comfortable as if it's best for you to stay home and it's more comforting for you. You can't expect the whole group to stay together after a long day...they are going to want to go back home after being on their feet all day and...having a good time in such a long day. You can't expect them to stay for you just because your ready and waiting.

Do you think it's just my social anxiety that is making me feel like I've been left out or is this a genuine issue?

It's your anxiety.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (18 December 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt It could be your sense of entitlement speaking, which makes you feel left out. Look, maybe it's not fair but life it's not fair, so if YOU have social anxiety, ultimately that's YOUR problem to deal with, why do you expect or demand that a dozen different people , who basically barely know you, all take to heart your " condition " to the point of bending over backwards and jumping through hoops in order that you can join an evening or day out at YOUR precise terms and conditions ?

The way I see it, either you are willing and able to work on your social anxiety by challenging yourself a bit, by stretching your limits a bit, and go out fully accepting that you might feel at some point a slight discomfort, or you might enjoy the outing a little less than if you had had free hand in planning it... or you are sincerely not willing and not able to stretch your boundaries, and in this case the best for you ( and for your boyfriend' s friends ) is that you do not join in; stay home and/ or do something more of your liking.

All on all I agree with Allumeuse : why do you want to drag your boyfriend into this ? Why should he " stand up for you " in a situation in which you are not being harassed or insulted or threatened ? He is your boyfriend, but you are not a child or a disabled person .If you have a problem with other adults like you, you don't need a go-between, you can choose to tackle it yourself ; or else, if you really don't feel up to it, - you can avoid it and stay away from these people. They don't owe you to be superwarm and super affectionate just because you are shy.

It would be nice IF they were spontaneously, agreed- but if they aren't ,they are not breaking any rule or code. Considering that you do not seem very warm and welcoming yourself toward these people, in fact you come off as hypercritical, judgemental and defensive even before they have actually done anything wrong to you.

I guess that if you are socially awkward and you want to date an outgoing social butterfly, yes, that may be a bit of a problem, - but a problem of compatibility between you and your boyfriend, not between you and the acquaintances whom invite you out. OTH, this does not mean that you have to break up just because of different social attitudes and needs. You do not have necessarily to always hang out together, and always with the same crowd ( his , apparently ) whom you feel uncomfortable with. You can maintain and cultivate your own friendships with people who are more similar to you ,or abstain to go out in large groups, and , while still dating your bf, agree to give each other space every now and then, once a week or every 2 weeks, or whatever works for you, so that he can hang out with HIS crowd and you with yours .

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (18 December 2017):

You are asking alot of people you don't know that well to make alot of changes to their plans to accommodate your social anxiety. I think what you are trying to break into is an established group of friends who are already comfortable with each other and perhaps already take each other for granted. What was supposed to be a low key low planning jolly to a city then had to be planned and executed to the nth degree for the new person and as it happened they thought it would be too much hassle. If you want to be friends with them you should be talking to them directly not going through your boyfriend- you are making him the bad guy asking them to alter their plans for the new girl who won't even talk to them. Your main beef about the day was that they were going to split up which would have stressed you out but didn't, but it didn't end up happening so you could have gone. Well I seriously doubt that was intentional but these things happen.

On top of that you are being mean about them by questioning their relatonships and repeating hearsay on a website. Why do want to be friends with them? I think you should probably find your own friends and stop trying to drive a wedge between your boyfriend and his.

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