A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband wanted to swing and searched another couple. We started with our own partners in the same room and then went for a full swap when 3-4 mins into that my husband said this wasn't for him... But back at home he says he wants to try it again just not in a private room but like at a swingers club. What's going on?
View related questions:
swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, that's really helpful. I have very supportive parents and a very successful career so the finance won't be a problem. Agreed I do look forward to mental stability with or without him but seems more like will have to be without. Thanks, you ve been very helpful as I do not want to make brash decisions and think carefully before I do a thing. But I do wonder if he has sensed it and puts me down constantly just to erode my confidence and make me feel that the kids really love him too much. I know when I do act/ inform him, I'll get a lot of drama about how empty his life is without me and want to make myself strong enough so I don't give into it - I have several times before and that's what is going to be difficult.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 April 2012):
 Do not inform him of your plans until you're ready to act on them. He may decide to cause you even more trouble between now and then.
Giving yourself a date to review your situation is probably a good thing. You can measure your progress and determine whether or not you're ready to head out on your own (with the kids of course).
Knowing you have options and that you can leave him should relieve you of much of the burden. Detach yourself enough so that his jokes, his immature behaviour, his abruptness and his currying favour with the children don't bother you. The last thing you need is to be seen as miserable while he looks cheerful. Being on your own is a good thing so look forward to it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnx Ciar, I met a Counsellor last year who gave me similar advise and the only other person who knows it all is my sister who advised the same but I have been told once I decide I mustn't look back/ return and hence just making sure I give it all I have..but it's draining me so much .. I am afraid to ask him too much since his reactions are very abrupt..and stressful specially since I live in a country where I know no one as such except colleagues..He goes for occassional drinks woth friends but all i do is office and home. I gave tried talking sometimes and also told hom last year that o went to see a counsillor. sometimes he's okay but other times it can be a f off you b.....& he'll just storm away. He's a charmer so the kids adore him and I feel they are beginning to lose respect for me...even his jokes are like he says his age to be 5 yrs less than it is and mine to be 5 yrs more, he's constantly asking kids who do they love more - mum or dad..I do agre I sulk a lot but I just can't find it funny any more - I can't walk out now due to reasons whereby we have to live in the same city and will be risky but I have started since 1st April to keep a daily log of how I feel and will decide six months from now... Until then I agree I need to plan and every now and then I give in to make sure I give it my best shot . But my hopes are fading fast - should I give him a clue that it's on my mind coz he seems clueless -
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnx Ciar, I met a Counsellor last year who gave me similar advise and the only other person who knows it all is my sister who advised the same but I have been told once I decide I mustn't look back/ return and hence just making sure I give it all I have..but it's draining me so much .. I am afraid to ask him too much since his reactions are very abrupt..and stressful specially since I live in a country where I know no one as such except colleagues..He goes for occassional drinks woth friends but all i do is office and home. I gave tried talking sometimes and also told hom last year that o went to see a counsillor. sometimes he's okay but other times it can be a f off you b.....& he'll just storm away. He's a charmer so the kids adore him and I feel they are beginning to lose respect for me...even his jokes are like he says his age to be 5 yrs less than it is and mine to be 5 yrs more, he's constantly asking kids who do they love more - mum or dad..I do agre I sulk a lot but I just can't find it funny any more - I can't walk out now due to reasons whereby we have to live in the same city and will be risky but I have started since 1st April to keep a daily log of how I feel and will decide six months from now... Until then I agree I need to plan and every now and then I give in to make sure I give it my best shot . But my hopes are fading fast - should I give him a clue that it's on my mind coz he seems clueless -
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (16 April 2012):
After reading your subsequent posts I strongly believe the time for talking is over. There is nothing here to fix. Your husband is self absorbed to the detriment of his family. He's a womanizer and a former abuser and therefore a threat to the well being of you and your children.
Start planning your exit strategy. Squirrel away whatever funds you can without him knowing about it. Scan or photocopy whatever official family documents you think you'll need and keep them somewhere he can't access them. Get a safe deposit box. Speak to an attorney.
Build a support network. Reach out to friends and family. You don't have to do this alone.
I think you've already been worn down by your husband without others heaping guilt and blame on top of it. HE is the problem. YOU be the solution.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): If you are Indians then I know your "conservative" background. It is obvious that your marriage is now in a stalemate. Are you 2 too proud to get marital counselling? If you don't all the bitterness and resentments from Both of you are going to destroy your marriage. What about your kids? Hey don't even try to defend the swinging lifestyle choice to them: as for your friends and family? Do you want to be the hot topic of gossip? Your dirty linen in public? Then STOP this madness!!!
Why don't you show your husband the responses here? Maybe he needs to catch a wake up?
Adding other people in your bedroom activities is a disaster!!!
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, i am finding your feedback very useful. Our sex life was very happy as far as i saw it - whenever i asked him too he said yes he's very happy and then once on a holiday he said, why dont we try a threesome..Love Girl i never dragged him into this - i am a full time working woman with 2 kids to manage (little help from him) and no this is the last thing that ever woudl come to my mind.
I saw on his computer that he had been seeing swinger sites and asked him - until that time i did not even know the meaning of swinging - and im not exaggerating. We are indians and i have a very different upbringing where this would just be totally unreal to me though now of course i find myself in the thixk of it and there fore dont want to be a fool and understand more. He does seem to be unhappy in the way that hes always asking me to put more makeup like the other girls do, or be more stylish (like the other girls) but i am very confident in my own skin and do it to please him but he always seems to want more - work full time, manage the kids, look pretty. The other day i said i dont feel like you love me any more - when last did you hug me except wwhen havign se and he said three months ago and gave me the time and the place details but really he does not say why do you feel that way or what can he do to help. He slagged me off last night for saying -you just dont seem interested in being involved in anything, you dont want to sit with me an the kids, you're always on your BlacbBerry ..i mean really i just feel hit with critisicm and what stands out is that this is the only person in the world who ever says such things to me - practically everyone else likes me a lot, people at work, friends etc say i'm too gullible/ just too nice..but thats whats worrying me now- am i beign sly like love girl says or have i been too nice for too long. the kids are the first thing onmy mind so dont tell me to think of the kids - thats wnat worries me most and whatever i do will be based n whats best for them - i think the next time he suggsts we swing i am going to be honset and say its really not working for me..and lets see wht happends -
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (15 April 2012):
I have to agree with you and the others.
He's cheating, not by swinging or having threesomes, but by concealing his real motives. This exploration isn't something you're doing as a couple. It's HIS fantasy fulfillment and the only reason you've been included is to relieve him of guilt and keep you occupied so as not to interfere with his philandering.
He seems to want the best of both worlds; the comfort and security of family and a home with the freedom and excitement of being a bachelor. You can give him some of that freedom and excitement by moving on with your own life instead of tagging along like a faithful sidekick in his. Once he realises his position in your life is tenuous and that, just as importantly, you're happy and excited by other possibilities (not men, I mean life in general) he'll want to be a part of that.
If it's the thrill of the hunt he wants, let him hunt you. The excitement comes from knowing he may not win you in the end.
No doubt you've had, or tried to have, heart to heart conversations to fix the problem. They don't appear to be working so the time for talking is over. Now it's time for action.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 April 2012):
 When you have sex with your husband does it still feel like love making, or is it to maintain a marriage? If a marriage is dead you can't revive it by swinging. He could be lining another woman up already in case you want to divorce any time. He has a strong need to be liked by everyone. His need is so obsessive that he couldn't care less if he is hurting you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnks guys, love girl you hurt coz that aint true, I don't want another man, I really have much more I am worried about.. Frankly I feel the controlling attitude all along and feel like I am in this marriage just for my kids. I thought he's right we must take it lightly its just some good fun and went along but clearly it isn't, I accepted it that way but its not for him. He does feel inadequate compared to me but I don't know why. I am plain jane and he's very handsome. He says gorls were always crazy about him. He is my first ever boyfriend and I married him. Yes I feel really upset coz he physically abused me before we were married but somehow convinced me that he did so only coz he really really loves me. And thts what I believed until he cheated on me. He now keeps his phone locked and to this day I just can't trust him. I really want out but its the kids that make me reconsider.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much,our sex life has been good all along, pretty consistent and he says he likes being with me but just wants this for some excite
ment, makes it sound almost like going for a film. I just go along to play along since I don't want to be a bore. But I have noticed in the times we've been that other men do more to please the woman and he doesn't. Yes he wants other women, but then why did he stop when he had just that? And I agree its our life and we need to talk but that's where the problem lies, he won't talk about it. He's now back to life like nothing ever happened but its bothering me a lot.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): He cheated after your kid was born. You found out. You both decided to make the marriage workHe asked for a threesumYou suggested a foursum and he agreedHe backed out the other e times. YOU PRESSURISED him the 3rd time to meet the couple againHe did not want to but you made excuses telling him that you both needed to do it.He tried FOR YOUR SAKE. But he found that he couldn't continue.YOU however had no qualms having sex with another man. YOU almost had a fit when your husband stopped you.You claim that in those few minutes the other man please you sexually way more than your husband ever did.PHEW!!!OP I think you are the one gunning for an open marriage. YOU are applying pressure on your husband to include others. I think YOU want out of the marriage and YOU are using the swinging to make him pay for the cheating. Sly sly wife!!!Let's be honest:Your husband doesn't want to swing but he is being pressured by you because he feels guilty about his cheating. You keep forcing the issue and it is YOU who is actively seeking out others to include in your marriage.YOU just want a license to cheat: so you conviently get the permission in the form of swinging. OP you are playing a very very dangerous game and YES it is going to destroy your marriage. Its what you want isn't it? You want out. You want another man. You have made it abundantly clear that your husband doesn't satisfy you sexually. OP if you want out, then end the marriage. You cannot make your husband pay for his previous cheating: it shows that you are emotionally humiliating and using him to further your own sexual interests.Both you and your husband are fools. Only when your marriage ends will you both realise it. OP you need to forgive him for his affair: if you cannot then end the marriage. If you decide that the marriage is savable then get marital counselling. DO NOT include other people. Get this straight. You both are doing more harm than good. Think about your innocent kids lives dammit! OP I suggest you also question your own motives: you are Not innocent here: your actions have been very deliberate. Why not try to keep fantasies as fantasies BUT start communicating properly about sexual wants and needs. Its time to see the cracks in your marriage.Your marriage is NOT a strong one: in fact it is so fragile now. WHY?? Bec of the gentle pressure you have applied. You both need to do some soul searching and you both have to make some major decisions going forward.LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 April 2012):
 Seems to me that you two are doing this Swinger thing for two very different reasons.
He does it so he can "cheat" without the guilt.
And you do it to please him, punish him and to feel wanted, get good sex and maybe to show him that sex isn't just about him.
I really think the two of you need to sit down and have a really open talk about this.
You are both seeking something from strangers that you COULD get at home.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 April 2012):
 He sounds very confused to be honest. He is caught between cheating and finding a solution that keeps you occupied. You are the one getting the attention so his plan hasn't worked out.
What is your sex life like in general? Do you explore just as a couple and try new things that do not involve other people?
It could be that he is longing to cheat but does not want to lose you either...basically he wants his cake and to eat it too.
From what you have said, I don't think your heart is in swinging or having threesomes. You are probably like most women who just want a loving partner to themselves and to keep sex between them only (Absolutely respect and understand that)...you husband wants to have sex with other women, so I guess it's up to you whether you let him or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 April 2012):
Just checking. Had your sex life been good at the beginning and just fizzled out? Could your husband benefit by learning from other men? Or is this weakness to him? Is he blaming you for not having mind blowing sex? He thinks other women would solve this problem?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the answers! and this is getting intersting and helpful now and maybe i'll go a bit back to why we even got into this - about 4 years ago when i had our second child, i got to know (throughtext messages) that hehad been cheating on my for over a year with someone at his work. i was upset him & he apologized/ said he really loves me and we started again and about a year or so later he said why dont we try a threesome - just another girl. the way i saw this was at least he was being honest this time (but selfish)so i said then why not 4 and we have another couple and he said okay. and we met two couples and it all ended the same way with him saying lets get out of here. and this was our third meeting but with one of the same couples - he asked me to text and set up a meeting but the last day (as usual) he said he didnt feel like it and i said we must go because its not fair to people they organize child care etc and you cant just back out so if we make an excuse this time, i'm done with swinging coz i dont like to do this to people. We then went ahead. As anonymous points out, i was enjoying the attention from the other man coz in 3 mins he was doing more for me than my husband has ever done - sex with my husband is very much about pleasing him as alot of the other aspect of my life have begun to feel. i dont mind havign stopped for me its not about the sex, its that he hasnt shared his feelings but also hasnt asked me once since if i enjoyed it, what i thought, nothing about me - just sorry guys this is not for me. got me back and then while the other couple went on with their jiggy, we just appeard to be making love , but he did nothing basically. i dont know why i am saying all this but its really confusing me - think its more about the relationship overall than just the swinging - am i asking for too much? or haven i taken this for too long and need to findmy voice?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (14 April 2012):
This is very, very common among new swingers. The man is the driving force behind trying it and the woman is the driving force behind keeping it going.
When a man fantasizies about swinging he is focused on how it will benefit HIM. He assumes he will be in control and he'll be getting all the action and attention. He thinks he'll either be too busy to notice his wife getting any or that she'll sit on the sidelines like a wall flower.
The truth is women are in control and they're the ones getting the action and attention. Which is why the man loses interest.
Your husband doesn't feel guilty. If he did he wouldn't want to try it again in different rooms. What he does feel is jealous/scared/unsatisfied and doesn't want to admit it because he thinks it will make him look weak and give you all the power in the relationship. This lack of trust and effective communication will create a breeding ground (pardon the pun) for problems down the line, especially if you're planning to continue exploring outside your relationship.
One of the first rules about this kind of exploration is to be honest with one another and fix any cracks in the relationship beforehand, no matter how minor they may seem now. They will become even bigger when they're carrying a heavier load.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): I note that you seem peeved that you did not get to enjoy the other man fully??? You feel cheated? Your husband may have wanted this but you seem to be fully engaged with the idea even when he said stop? I think you are highly disappointed that you did not get to enjoy this swinging experience. Is it not something that your husband feels he needs to do just to spice up your marriage. You are bored too isn't it? So maybe, just maybe your husband wanted this lifestyle in order to satisfy your unsatisfactory sex life, after all these years of marriage.Perhaps I am way way off with my assumption but I just wanted to give this another angle.... The husband may appear to be guilty (for whatever reason) but the wife has no qualms whatsoever in having sex with another man???LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 April 2012):
I think this is something you need to talk to him about. This is your sexual life, after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 April 2012):
Perhaps he feels embarrased that he even suggested swinging because it's not like the fantasy he had in mind. He tried it and did not like it. He probably thought of all the things that the aunts mentioned. You are not asking too much but sometimes things are better left unsaid. You can't say you feel like a used toy because you consented to it, although it's normal for you to feel that way. I think you should focus on your happiness with him, the present.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe part that i am undure of is that was t him getting uneasy about me hooking up or was he feeling guilty about being with the other woman? He makes it seem that he was guilty; like he could not do this any more ...but never mentioned me / jealousy abou me. Since then he just does not want to discuss this at all, i feel a bit used like a kinda toy.. being told 'lets go swing/ lets go home' like i had no opinion of my own and dont mind stopping but feel chected that the least i deserve is some explanation ...am i asking for too much?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 April 2012):
I remember watching a program once about a swingers party. There was a couple on it who were both very keen to have sex with other people, particularly the guy. He was all bold and brash and blase about how he liked to please other women and that it wasn't a problem for him to see his rather plain looking wife having sex with other men.
They showed the couple at a party. There were about 30 people there and several single hot looking females.
This guy immediately turned on the charm to make a play for one of the 'hot' babes, but none of them was interested in him. The guys wife, however had hooked up immediately with a rather nice looking chap and they'd gone off to have sex.
The rejected guy got immediately pissed off and went storming through the party looking for his wife. When he found her (under the other guy) he insisted they leave.
It really made me laugh and just showed how ridiculous it is to be all 'over confident' about swinging when really there is potentially a lot of rejection and jealousy involved. Unless you are the kind of people who can really handle rejection (if you don't hook up) or jealousy (if your spouse hooks and you don't) then there will always be tears before bedtime.
I think your husband said it wasn't for him because secretly most men cannot watch their wife getting jiggy if they themselves aren't having as much fun at the same time.
By saying he wants to go to a bigger party, maybe he is hoping for more women to flirt with, to distract him from seeing you have sex with another man. It's naive because whether he is three people or a hundred people...it's always going to bother him and in the long run it could potentially create massive problems in your marriage.
What do you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): He's exploring his sexual preferences, probably heard it was fun. I know people that go to Swingers Clubs,its like cheating with consent but it only works if your BOTH open to it, it can and does wreck marriages when only one partner wants it.So ask yourself if its what YOU want and then talk to your husband.
...............................
|
