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I'm a confused virgin!

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2004) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 November 2007)
A , anonymous writes:

I am a 21 year old virgin and for the past 2/3 years have been confused as to what my sexuality is.

I don't really find men attractive but the act of sex between two men seems to turn me on. Through out these two years I have gone from not enjoying the sight of two men having sex to liking it and then back to not enjoying it. Its been on my mind for so long now that I don't know what is what and feel all messed up inside and that I will never be myself again

From a young age I was always interested in girls and never thought about homosexuality one bit. I had girlfriends through primary school and one during secondary school. However, during my time at secondary school I had no relationships with the opposite sex after my relationship, but not through lack of trying even if I was a bit shy. For some reason the ladies just didn't want me.

I then moved up to college where I had a short relationship with a girl that sadly did not last (2 weeks together and then cat and mouse for a few months after)

New Year found me hooking up with 2 ladies at a New Years Eve party

A few months later I got into probably my most serious relationship to date with a member of the opposite sex and it was rather serious. My sexual knowledge increased dramatically in this time although I never did sleep with her. We were on and off for around 3 months before it finally fell apart. During this time I was besotted and was enjoying myself participating in sexual acts with her

It was then around this time that I found a gay chat room. I originally went onto this room to pretend to be women looking for others on there so that I could talk dirty to them (how sad) but eventually worked my way over to the male part of the site where I ended up partaking in some phone sex which I ended up liking which then resulted in me having more phone sex conversations with men. It only then occurred to me that I might be gay due to this and worked myself up into a right panic with me becoming very depressed and resulting in me seeing a councilor about my feelings.

I had a few meetings with this councilor but ended up finishing them as I ended up just wanting to get on with life and see what I eventually end doing.

I started my third year at college and I found myself back on the chat rooms talking to men. This time however, instead of just phone sex I went to certain spots known where gay men were to meet and have sex etc. I did this a few times and ended up going to a gay sauna where I participated in a few sexual acts (oral). I went for a second time a few weeks later but this time found it not exciting or sexy at all and I left. I thought this was it and that my experimentation with the same sex was over.

This was last year and since then I have had one more sexual encounter in which I performed oral sex. Once again I didnt really find the other person sexy, only the act of sex doing it for me. I have used gay porn to get me off but I have also used straight and lesbian porn too.

However, over the past week to worry of me being gay seems to have popped back into my head and I am more depressed than ever. It seems that since I started worrying I can only get really aroused now when I watch gay porn, whether this is because I am in fact gay or just because I cant shake it from my head I don't know.

I once again kissed a girl at a party a few months ago and enjoyed that too but nothing came of that sadly

I seem to over analyze things so I keep thinking of reasons that I am doing X and Y etc and its killing me. Could it be that I am only resorting to sexual experiences with men because I am lonely? I don't really have close female friends as they are all away at Uni so maybe the fact that I don't know many ladies could be it, or maybe being a virgin has to do something with it?? Everyone needs to get some I guess.

I have been reading a few threads on here and from what I can gather I have not felt any closness or a so called 'crush' towards men which could mean I am not gay, but then surely me having done stuff with men would indicate that I am?

On the way home from Uni today I started talking to a girl I used to fancy the pants off before I got into the gay things but I didnt really feel anything this time round and yet I was texting my ex gf a few hours ago in which she sent me a dirty text and it got me arroused. Could anxiety play a big part in my confusion?

If I am gay, fine, I will come to terms with it but I just want it to be clear to me. All this messing about in my head is wearing me down, making me depressed and my work is failing due to it. Surely being this confused for such a long period of time is not normal?

View related questions: acne, chat room, depressed, ex girlfriend, gay porn, lesbian, my ex, oral sex, period, phone sex, porn, shy, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

Look. It's simple. If you're sexually attracted to men you're gay. To women, you're straight. To both, you're bisexual. That's what sexuality is. You can fallin love with anyone but your sexuality is your sexuality. Sorry if this is too clinical.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007):

I have kind of the same history, but with less action.

Hmm you are fine - human. Have fun. As lond as it makes you satisfied (physical and/or emotional) stick to it. Don't think about just do it.

It's not time to end up with either partner+adopted or wife+children. Have fun do it all. =D

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007):

I think you are predominantly straight (although obviously have gay tendancies), just need to find the right girl. You sound the same as me, in the way that your heart is with women not men, even though you have some same sex fantasies.

Once the right girl comes along you will know and I honestly reckon the sex will be great and you won't be confused as to what you are.

But for the mean time forget labelling yourself and maybe try not to indulge in any more experimentation, as it sounds like deep down you require a woman for a serious relationship, and what you are doing with men will never actually make you any happier, even if it may arouse you at the time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006):

oh my god..this is all very confused. maybe you're bisexual.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2005):

Honestly in my opinion there is really two reasons I can think of really why you are confused. One would be that you are bi-sexual perhaps? Since more or less you get aroused back and forth from both sex. Second theory would be you are Gay/Straight but because you've experimented around more or less it had numbed your senses as to which sex you are more surely attracted to. For this I would advise that you sit down and reflect to yourself, look deep inside which sex do you honestly perfer to be with (not lust wise since peoples can experienced lust in many forms or ways and lust often is confused with love). What you need to make sure is which sex do you perfer, male or female. Of course if you come to terms of neutral or both your odds are most likely Bi-sexual but do make sure you are not mistaking yourself with lust that is clouding your judgement. And about the virginity part, that has nothing to do with your problem, although it was amusing to me for I too am a virgin yet I am sure enough of which sex I perfer even though I have both straight, gay, and bi-sexual friends around me it doesn't cloud my judgement since I focus primarily on it and know what I want. Your goal now is to know what you want ultimately.

Good luck on your search and hopefully you would find your guiding light to your answer~

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2005):

It sounds like you don't have close friends around you, people/person that you can discuss your personal life with. Those people/person is the one that knows you more than any doctor. Friends are the one that knows your lifestyle, your sexual relationship type, your weaknesses, your strong site,etc. They can even hook you up with the person they think he/she's best for you. So look for a friend that you really trust.

About girls, they are really interesting and beautifull. Look for someone who will really love you for who you are not what you are. The looks are not that important. The important thing is when you understant each other and share common interests. Please, please, please, don't rush things.

I hope this letter will help you to take your own good decisions. Whatever the decision you take will work for you. Good luck

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