A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl at a party and I kissed her in my drunkeness, among a few other girls. I found her interesting and got her facebook details I added her and we started to chat. After weeks of chatting online noticing we get along really well and have similar sense of humor, values and intellects, maybe I'm a bit better looking, but regardless I really wanted to start going out with her. At a party she invited me to we spent the whole night together,then we went to sleep in the same bed (but not getting up to anything sexual) as she didn't want to rush it, which I was okay with.Sinse then, which was 2 months and a few weeks ago (including the month I spent in another state from her) We have been talking almost everyday and meeting up whenever we're free which is normally 1-2 times a week. One thing she's said alot is she isn't ready for a relationship, which is due to her ex still kind of stalking her even though they've been broken up for 10 months. And recently she had a bit of a breakdown when we were together and cried on me telling me a bit of her problems, which led me to think she's scared I'll be the kind of boyfriend her ex was. Which I know I'm notThat is my story. My real problem now is making her comitt to me, as I'm willing to. I've noticed women cling to men they've had sexual encounters with, and I'm wondering if I'm taking it too slow (as we've only 'mucked around' a little once). As well she's holding back from comitment and thus having stronger feeling for me.At the moment I realise I'm on the shit end of this as I'm ready to fall in love with her, but I'm protecting myself from a 1 sided love, but I would give more of myself if she could commit. But she is kind of avoiding the question of us just going out officially, although what we're doing now feels like we are anyway.I don't want to let her go yet without seeing how far we could go as a couple, as I forsee it being one of those 'the one that got away' memories. So any advice on solving any my issues would be greatly appreaceated.
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a break, drunk, facebook, her ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 I have been in a similar situation recently and, just like the anonymous male who asked this question, at first i couldn't really see what was going on, I couldn't explain her behavior. After a while though, I realized exactly what all of you have commented and you are all absolutely right!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2012):
 She isn't ready, so either let her go or keep taking it slow. Having sex with her so she might commit is just not right.
I think you have become a friend-zone guy, which means.. she isn't that into you :(
And she certainly isn't over the "trauma" of her last relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): I'm the guy who wrote this question. She didn't talk about her ex when she broke down and she hasn't been in contact with him. We've both had sex only once with an ex, hers being him. So in that regard I guess we both feel for the person we had our first time with, but only to that extent.
The breakdown was more about her feeling I'd push her away from her mother as she's a conservative kind of woman who still thinks she's a virgin. The girl is 17 and I'm 18 btw. And a naturally conservative type. I think moreso the reason she's stopping from comitting isn't because she wants to be sexually free (as all her friends still think she's a virgin) but I think tied down and wants to be with friends more after a shitty bf.
With that in mind, any more advice taking away the ex being heaps important as its more her perception of family and friends. Rather then the norm of her friends or family not liking me, or her still being close with her ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Unfortunately female anon is right, if she wanted you then you wouldn't need to ask all this stuff.
OP you're screwed. She's not over her ex at all and she's a girl on the rebound. This whole "my ex is kind of stalking me" is bullshit OP, she's keeping him around and after 10 months she is still in contact with him because she still as feelings for him. The reason she won't commit to you and the reason she wants to "take it slowly" is because she doesn't want you and is probably trying to be nice by not getting into a relationship with you while she still has feelings for her ex.
I think you have a feeling this is the case don't you? Your gut won't let you let go with her, you're trying to protect yourself a bit because deep down you feel that don't you?
She's not going to be a one that got away memory OP because she was never going to be yours in the first place. I mean she broke down recently telling you of her problems I bet most of those problems were due to or about her ex right? Well man 10 months later she is still crying about her ex means she's still got it bad for him and you really don't stand a chance against those kind of feelings.
Ignore all the "he treated me badly" crap, it doesn't mean what you think it does. It doesn't mean she's hoping you're different, it means she's just still far too attached to him and he's still a huge part of her life because he's still talking to her and contacting her.
Basically OP she won't let go of him, he's not stalking her, she could easily cut him out of her life and stop him contacting her for good but she won't.
Personally I wouldn't play this game anymore. You're becoming her shoulder to cry on, she's friendzoning you basically. I think you don't stand a chance at all to be honest but if I were in your position I'd get rid of the idea of commitment but I would start "mucking around" with her a bit more. I'd ever so slightly move towards a more sexual relationship with her and gently move things in that direction. It really is the only chance you have because without that element you're just friends and if you leave that out of it for long enough then she'll value you too much as a friend and confident to ruin it with sex later and then you'll be even more fucked because there's no way you'll be able to hold back your feelings for much longer as you already have fallen for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): i know this is going to sound somewhat harsh, but coming from a female, if she wanted to commit to you, she'd commit to you. end of story.
i think there's a whole lot more to the story with her ex than you know and she's willing to reveal. see if you can't figure out what's really going on there. us as human beings, if we wanted something bad enough... we would make it happen. seems to me there's definitely something holding her back. and i'd want to know what. and i don't believe it's just because she's scared about you being like her ex.
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