A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 8 year and have known my wife for 10. I have a near photographic memory and remember many things that people tell me. 10 years ago I contracted an STD from my wife. She found out she had it from a medical checkup. No big deal, I was not mad at the time but I was disappointed. I brought up the topic of our sexual past because I was trying to figure out what happened? She dodged the question so I never brought it up again. I knew she was not a virgin and had boyfriends in the past no big deal. She always stated she was an innocent girl growing up and when she moved out of her parent's house to her apartment she had "no boyfriends, no phone calls and would always beg her friends to go out". To me she sounded like an near perfect girl that many guys on this site would die for. As for me I have slept with only three girls, turned down some girls, have had a lot of third base action due to the hookup culture of college and have lived with two girls friend (9-5 sex if you know what I mean). I have a 7 inch penis and I am a pretty confident guy.Fast forward 10 year later and three kids. I decide to broach the topic again because I feel it was something we did not close. I had a comfortable number of 5 guys in my head. Guess I walked right into that one. So it turns out she has slept with about 9 guys and all that innocent me crap was just crap (A virgin by today's standards). I feel that I have had the wool pulled over my eyes and I was pissed. At first it was the guy thing. 9 dicks in my wife's vagina that my kids came out of disgusting. She got really defensive when I brought up the topic. I said things to her like "I thought your were different or I must have made a bad character judgment about you 10 years ago". No "I am sorry", "no I wish things were different", just defensiveness. I also told her this was the first time she had ever hurt me which was true. I destroyed her three times by those things I said. Then after I got over the 9 dicks thing and I starting feeling a lack of trust. What else did she embellish? What else was a lie? This sucks. I could have made different decisions 10 years ago and now I can't (not to say that I would have). I have talked to my friends about it and have received some surprising advice like not to shove it under the rug versus just get over it. These are things that I would have not expected from them. Marriage side we are fine for now but I feel that I am living a lie because I still feel deceived. What do you guys think? Am I stupid for thinking this way? Should I confront her again and tell her once again how I feel?Remember I brought this up 10 years ago to figure out the STD thing nothing else. I knew better not to bring it up for any other reason other than this. It is her fault this was brought up in the first place due to the STD thing.In the present, I felt that is needed to be closed out because of that.
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moved out, sexual past, std, third base, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): This woman has married you, loved you and given birth to your children! What more can she do that shows you how devoted she has been and you decide to rip her to pieces because you can't get over the fact that she had men before you?!She hasn't been screaming at you for putting your body parts into other women, but she could be entitled to as you've obviously had a lot of previous partners - your third base hook ups count here. You can't have sex with other women prior to marriage and then demand your wife has never looked at another penis - or be offended that she has.I suggest you apologise to her, and be grateful she hasn't sent you packing. You brought up a pointless argument, something that was in the past and forgotten about. Instead you've allowed yourself to become jealous of men from a time you weren't even around. Retrospective jealousy - google it, go get help for it if you're going to continue to chastise her for something she CANNOT change.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): I thank all of you for your advice especially the ones who actually read the article and are not judgmental versus those who have a need to correct my use of words. The title of this post says it all, I am confused and I was stupid for what happened. I am in a better than most because there was no cheating or any of the other potentially bad things that can seriously damage and destroy a relationship that you find on this site. This relationship can be fixed but it will take my actions to get us there.
I have made a big mistake which I walked into myself. It did start with retroactive jealousy and I am not denying it. My reaction to it through my words was hurtful and which "destroy" her and I can only blame myself for that. I could have said "cried", "saddened" etc. but that would only been downplaying what actually happened. I owe my friends a debt of gratitude because they convinced me not to worry about guy thing (retroactive jealousy) which slowly disappeared but I felt that the trust issue was still an open wound. Last time I checked relationships are based on trust and honesty especially in the beginning when they are the foundations for the future. We can argue that there are shades of this but in this case I was deceived. She admits she led me on to some degree and that is where the main, wrong assumptions were made. It is a communication issue. In my opinion and how I feel, when you combine both of those topics (RJ & Lack of Trust) together it can be bad, very bad. Sorry, I have never been through this before.
I did not come here to be judged but if you feel that you must be my guest. I wanted some true "take you medicine advice" from people who don't know me, who have been through similar events and who can understand what I may be going through. The events that I have described are not as black and white as I have made them out to be but I can only write so much. Thank you: A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014), Jls022, and jannipeg for actually reading the whole article and listening.
I am working on repairing the damage that was done. The main thing is that I am not bringing up the topic anymore. Everything else will have to be a wait and see thing.
I thank you again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 November 2014):
 You have a lot of "confidence", but your sex ed knowledge is worse than a sixth grader. Do you honestly think that the only way to transmit an STI is to have intercourse??
You do realize that it is a lot more likely that you passed HER the STI due to your mountains of "Third Base action" than it would be her sexual history. You have more experience than she did, and what is worse, is that you're so casual about it, you've de-personalized the women who went down on you as "Third base action".
What on earth do you think she needs to apologize to you for? Her past is her business. If she owes you an apology for the 9 past sexual encounters, then you owe her an apology for all of the casual sexual contact that put her in danger. You don't get it, do you? No one is owed a detailed sexual dossier regarding their past relationships. You're owed a faithful partner, and she has been that.
You with your "photographic memory", which actually is full of crap because "photographic" means you remember what you SEE word for word. Eidetic memory is when you remember everything you hear. Either way, it's crap. You are clouded by obsession and judgment, and you're so full of yourself and your seven inches that you're traumatizing your own three innocent children by emotionally abusing their mother because you revel in indulging your obsession.
Divorce her now or stop every single negative word or action towards her regarding her past relationship history. To do any less is to hurt your own children. Is she a good mom? Has she given birth to them, raised them, loved and nurtured both you and them? That demands a hell of a lot more respect than you're giving her.
You lived by your own assumptions. You make it sound like she was a prostitute who had 50 one night stands. When really, it was you running through women like butter and accepting anyone's mouth on your 7-incher, which is pretty disgusting to say the least if you're subjecting yourself to the same vile standard you're putting her through.
Sorry, but you come off as narcissistic, right down to the saying that you "destroyed" her three times. Something tells me that you're the one destroyed and unlike her, you choose to wallow in it. I think she'll be much better off in the long run, especially when you either get your crap together or let her go so she can find someone who doesn't measure their self-worth solely by their penis size.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): You are being incredibly cruel to your wife. You are really being horrible and hurtful with your words. Before you start an argument always ask what you have to gain from it. In this case nothing but bitterness and resentment.
My advice is to take your wife out for a romantic dinner and apologise for hurting her. Tell her you'd like to put it back in the past and enjoy the love and family you have now.
Ofcourse she lied first but you have absolutely NOTHING to gain by hammering home that point. All you'd have is an emotionally damaged wife and you'd be the horrible man who unleashed this tension in your household.
Fix it.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (24 November 2014):
"She was the one that told me of her "innocence", I did not ask."
It depends on what she means by innocence. I would say I was an innocent girl growing up because I was sheltered. When I left to move to uni I didn't know much about sex or anything like that because my parents never mentioned it. My school friends were all similar to me so I didn't have info from them either.
I have had sex with one more man than your wife, but I still stand by my point that I was innocent when I was younger. I use that word in terms of my naivety, and the fact I had sex with some of those men because of that - because I thought that some of them liked me; because I liked them; because I thought that girls could have sex 'for fun' just like men do (something some men have made it abundantly clear that they disagree with, and seem to think I'm disrespecting myself for for even suggesting - much like you are doing with your wife now).
I guess the point I am making, is that you are judging your wife's worth by a word which has no solid meaning in this context. How does 4 extra men change her from innocent? And what does it change her to - guilty? Of what? Why is 5 ok but 9 isn't? Where did that number come from? Where is the line drawn and why did you draw it there? Your wife may have had friends who slept with 40/50 men and believed that 9 was genuinely a low number (which it is really).
The fact is OP, 'innocent' doesn't exactly translate to '5 men', nor does it translate to one or 50. You both have your own definitions which is where the issue has come from here. Your wife did not misrepresent herself, you just took her words and moulded them into what you wanted them to mean. Then you get mad at her because she didn't know that.
Please seek counselling and stop going on about this '9 dicks' thing. Slut shaming and making women feel dirty is exactly why women don't want to discuss this topic.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2014):
 If an apology is something that makes you feel better, then it's best that you communicate in a way that does not make her feel attacked and slut shamed. You have problems with lying and being tricked into thinking she was a different person. I think that's the issue, more than the number she's had. When you confront, you have to be clear about the end result that you seek. When you keep on digging about her past you are leaning towards ending the marriage. And that doesn't do anything to make her feel remorse. You talk because you want to feel heard. You may have a desire to punish her for the lying but if you want the marriage to continue you will have to keep your emotions in control.
You may feel that you could only respect her if she apologizes first, while she may feel she could only apologize and empathize when she feels respected. One of you has to budge. Or you can meet half way and offer the olive branch at the same time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): Plain and simple, if you have problems with your wife having slept with other men then you should have married a virgin. I am not trying to be mean but I think you should seek counseling for your insecurity issues. Are you possibly unhappy in life and are subconsciously looking for a way out of this marriage?
You're irritated with her for not being more honest with you, but look at what happened when she was. Do you think she can ever trust YOU to accept her for who she is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 November 2014):
Dude look up Retroactive Jealousy. Uncle Yoos have posted some good info on it here on DC.
You are being upset over something NO ONE can change, not you, not your wife NO ONE.
Depending on WHAT kind of STD she had, it could have been the first OR the last guy she slept with, IT could EVEN come from you! Yep, you can BE a carrier and show NO symptoms and INFECT others.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 November 2014):
Confront her again for what? To make her feel like crap so she can invent a time machine and tell her younger self to wait for you?
Unless you're planning on leaving her (which would be a mistake) then get over it. If you don't she'll probably leave you.
I'm pretty sure that every single woman lies about it (and men too for the most part). And I understand why, because they face reactions like yours when they tell the truth. Women aren't expected to be virgins so why get mad at them for having sex?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): Thank you for your response! I did walk into when I asked recently. I do feel guilty for destroying her as well. I only mentioned the penis thing because I was a confident guy in my past. I read about all these virgin and not so well endowed guys and I was not one of them. My problem is the stakes change slightly because I love someone and they are not an object but they are somebody I care for and love. To be honest this thing started with retroactive jealousy but I was able to work through it in my mind and with my friends. I still think there is a trust issue. She admits it but is not sorry for it. She says I was so naive but I remind her she was the one that told me of her "innocence", I did not ask. Please don't judge me as some loser guy. I truly feel that I was deceived. I know I was not cheated on yada, yada, yada. I only know what I know. Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 November 2014):
 Tough love here. You are not "stupid" for feeling the way you do but you are also being vastly unfair to your partner. You knew she was not a virgin when you married, which was the only explanation "needed" for the STD. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the fact that you couldn't leave it at that is your problem, not hers. Some women bring up past sex with past partners as one more hurtful tool in the context of arguments - "my ex was bigger," "my ex was a better lover" - heck, some men do that too! In those cases the other partner is justified in feeling hurt and offended, because the past isn't being left where it belongs; it's brought out deliberately in an effort to cause additional pain.
But your wife didn't do this. She was willing to let the past stay in the past, just as it sounds like she has left your past alone, though you are no virgin yourself. You responded by pressing her for details and then shaming her for them when they didn't match the apparently arbitrary number you were "comfortable" with.
I would advise 100% against "confronting" her further over this unless you're after extra details with which to torment yourself. I understand that you are upset that she has had more experience than you thought, and more experience than you have had, but try to remember that these experiences took place before she met you. She didn't cheat on you with any of these men. If she had known you, I doubt she would have wanted any of the others. After all, out of all of them you are the one she chose to marry.
Believe it or not, I sympathize with your post because I too have struggled with a partner's past. My current partner was previously married to someone else. He didn't just SLEEP with this woman, he stood up in front of all the most important people in his life and hers and swore to love her forever. They bought a house together, owned pets together, made all kinds of memories. Every one of his family and friends knows he was married, most were at his wedding, and I can guarantee they compare me to his ex-wife - even if it's favorably - because, well, how could they not? As for me, I have never been proposed to. I have never been married. I have never moved in with a lover or made a house "home" with someone. I love my partner more than words can describe and when he does propose to me I'll be overjoyed to say yes. I don't know (and nor do I care) about how many women he's had sex with in his life, because I've had my own share of sexual experiences, but somehow accepting the fact that I will not be his first for ANY of these major life milestones was unbelievably difficult for me when our relationship first turned serious.
Guess what, though? None of this is his fault. He didn't even know me when he got married the first time. He didn't know that he would ever meet me. We all have a past, and how I reacted to his past wasn't his problem. It was MY problem. And I realized almost immediately that I needed either to get over it or to leave him, because I couldn't go back in time and change anything and being resentful about it would only poison our relationship. To me this wasn't even a question - what we share was definitely worth the effort on my end.
So I made that effort. Possibly the single most useful tool to me in getting past it was a post I found on another site (I don't remember the link, so I'll have to paraphrase). In it, the author advised to write down answers to a series of questions, such as:
- Explaining in your own words what your partner did wrong by enjoying love and/or sex before they happened to meet you
- Explaining why your partner, unlike you, should NOT have been allowed (or did not deserve) to seek love or a connection with someone at that point in their life
- Explaining what gives you the right to want to deny your partner happiness in life before you even met them
- Explaining what your partner does currently to show their continued interest in, or interest in being back together with, the partner(s) from the past, or how these partners continue to pose a threat to your relationship
Obviously these questions have no sane, non-hypocritical answers, which is exactly the point the author was trying to make. It's a dose of perspective that greatly helped me and I hope it helps you too.
Retroactive jealousy is a difficult thing to cope with, but you need to try, because it will completely destroy your marriage if you let it, and your ability or inability to address this affects not just your life and your wife's but also your children's. If all else fails I would seek professional counseling to help you achieve closure with this, especially with young children involved.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (24 November 2014):
 What you are doing to your wife is hurtful and childish. If I were in her shoes, I'd seriously consider a divorce, because basically you told her that she's not the girl you thought she was and you regret marrying her. If she cheated on you in the present, I can understand your anger, but you're jealous of the lovers she had before she met you over 10 years ago??!!! You are not the confident man you think you are. You sound really insecure. The fact that you mentioned the size of your penis indicates serious insecurity issues. It's not her that has the problem. It's you! You need to seek counselling to better understand just how much your personal insecurities are hurting your wife, your marriage and possibly your family, and most of all yourself.
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