A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:One of my best friends is hugely competitive and always talks herself up and it drives me nuts.She constantly makes comments about how she has an hourglass figure- how she works out and gets skinnier but keeps her boobs, how she has huge boobs and loves her cleavage, how she has a big bum and a skinny waist and a shapely body.It's really not that true. She might have a slight hourglass figure(?) but it's similar to an apple as well. You would not call her waist skinny. Her stomach sticks out- when she wears tight fitting clothes she looks slightly pregnant. Her hips arent that wide in comparison to her waist. Her bum isnt that big. Her legs aren't shapely and go straight down more like. She does have massive boobs though- like a d cup. Basically though if you looked at her you wouldnt say she has an hourglass figure. Words like podgy, dumpy, short, bit too heavy, apple figure come to mind.It just annoys me because there always seems to be a 'silent' competition between us- we've been good mates for 7 years. I know she used to be insanely self concious about her weight- she went through a spewing phase and she would always call herself fat. I was always there for her, getting her help and kept telling her she is beautiful and getting skinny isnt everything and she should embrace herself and shes NOT FAT.Then she would always hate on skinny people-making put downs about them- calling them skinny sluts- including me and make heaps of annoying comments like 'oh you dont even eat'- while poking my stomach til it hurts. 'Oh this top doesnt fit me cause its for flat chested people. My boobs are too big.' Motto of fat chicks in denial much??Now I'm a slim figure, taller than her but still short with small boobs, slender arms, skinny waist, flat stomach, wide hips, kinda big bum and shapely legs. Kind of like a slim pear shape I suppose. Very different to her! But I never like to talk about it- I never say things like oh I love my flat stomach, I love my round bum, I love being naturally slim etc. It just annoys me when ppl talk like that but maybe I should just more around her, I dunno. Im sure if I talked like that around her though it would just make her feel shit though... and make her want to get even more competitive. But at the same time I'm always getting annoyed when she talks about herself like that and pretty much puts me down. I love having small boobs although it would be cool to have more cleavage sometimes but I love my slim figure and I feel so annoyed when she talks about her huge boobs like she thinks she's the shit and like she's above me or something.Its really weird. She used to tell me she hated her body and wanted mine all the time. Now she seems to have dealt with that insecurity by kidding herself she has a perfect hourglass figure and that big boobs are the best and my sad, 'curve-less', 'flat-chested' figure is nothing compared to her greatness. Or at least thats how it comes across the way she speaks.I talked to her a bit about this saying that i love her and we should both just be supportive of each other and that it kind of gets to me a bit when she goes on about having curves as if I have none and she's better than me and all 'skinny girls'. She said i was overreacting and i do have a curvy bum and when she compliments her body type it isnt having a go at mine. I apologised but said I hope she sees my point... And she calmed down with the comments. But the tension is still there and she stil does make some although it's not as obvious. I dont think she got my point. I tried to tell her as well like that if I always talked about loving my flat stomach and tan and shapely bum and legs she would get annoyed but she ignored that.She's also pretty rude to people in general and selfish and attention seeking. She wears slutty clothing clothes around a lot. Always low cut tops with push up bras- usually showing the bra. Mini skirts or tiny skin-tight shorts and high heel boots. And this is for a casual lunch with friends... She's dyed her hair a bright blonde to match the stereotypical look as well. She's loud and is the type to speak without thinking heaps. It all just makes me cringe. Its embarassing to be seen with her a lot of the time.I just wish she would have a better sense of confidence with herself.Also I just feel like she brings me down a lot. Im pretty sure she thinks Im just jealous or something as well...she seems to give herself like narcissistic confidence talks in her head all the time. I'm not sure what to do. I dont want to compete with her and get all dolled up in mini skirts and tight crop tops that show off my flat stomach and slim figure and hips just to show her up as well as talk about it all the time. I dont want to let her walk over me and put me down and get me down as well though. I resent her heaps and she annoys me. I worry about her. She can be an awesome friend but she's also so pathetic. But do I sound bitter? Am I slightly jealous? I dont know if I'm jealous or not. MAybe I am a bit of her boobs- although definitely not of the cringing way she holds her confidence.I actually signed up for a free counseling session about this but I also want to hear opinions from others.My best mates have said that shes probably jealous and just really insecure and needs to do that and shes cringing and she cant deal with a beautiful male magnet friend like me. But theyre my best friends- theyre obligated to say that in a way. My boyfriend says she sounds very unattractive and an attention whore and very insecure and stupid and not to waste my time worrying about her. But then hes my boyfriend and also obligated to talk like that. So I really don't know!Advice and honest opinions, please ?
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best friend, boobs, confidence, insecure, jealous, puts me down Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, CindyCares + ?, writes (23 February 2012):Lol, a rather different answer to the rest given but thanks I suppose for the thoughts. I do agree its better to have an arrogant friend than depressed one who constantly puts herself down. Then again arrogance can easily stem from a negative self image.You see I dont have a problem with my image, I think I'm pretty blessed really- the only person thats ever made comments that put me down about it is her really.I think its unfair of her to act that way and its not just 'being a bit vain' because while I have praised, complimented, helped her with her insecurities, she continues to make dumb comments about body shapes and untactful ones regarding mine. And I dont remember a time she has really helped me with mine. rather, she causes them slightly.It's a double standard friendship I've come to realise and it just isn't fair.yes I have taken her aside and tried a big sisterly approach. As I expected she didn't take it that well and got a bit defensive and offended but oh well. I tried.maybe I grow bitter and seem jealous because of her constant jealous ways affecting me- maybe I am becoming more like her but I will try hard not to! And no I really don't think Im as quite a sad, insecure jealous freak as you make me out to be! I really don't want to stoop to her level that way. All my best friends are pretty- have great attributes- slimish and some have bigger boobs than her and flaunt it but none of them feel a need to always talk about it to bump up their esteem and for attention- and they will actually compliment me back and support me as a friend. I feel secure around them- its only her I feel resentment and annoyance and bitterness.We continue to be good friends anyway. When she acts up, I've decided to try to handle her as I would a little kid playing up for attention- ignore it pretty much and focus on the friends that don't constantly try to compete with me and I can actually not worry about this dumb, shallow, petty stuff with and have real conversations and friendships with! :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 But...aren't you supposed to be good friends ? Imagine if you were enemies !
I think that " friendship " would perceive, and tackle, her attitude in a different way.
So, OK, she talks herself up too much. Better talking oneself up than talking oneself down, IMO, but yes it can get annoying. So ? What about seeing this in a more compassionate light ? She is an ex fat girl, who knows how shitty she must have felt about herself- worse than you feel about yourself now , she must have swallowed a lot of crap and jibes and contemptous looks in her fat days, she must have worked hard to get to her current imperfect but pleasant shape, and she is proud of her accomplishments. If she needs to use some positive self reinforcement to keep motivated ,and pat herself on her back for her ability to bring out positive changes.., why does this affect YOU so much. Is not a reflection on you, is not a put down or a negative comparison. If I praise blonde hair, it does not mean " brunette suck ". I like big boobs too- on me, and on other women. It does not mean that I think flat chested girls are ugly, they are OK too, and some are absolutely fantastic. If you like, or aim to, a certain body shape or facial features or look, - it does not mean at all that you feel pity or contempt for the opposite, that's just your slightly paranoid interpretation .
Or, as a good friend, you might take the protective, bigsisterish approach, - if her self promotion gets to be too much, take her aside and tell her " I know you don't mean it this way, and you are right to be proud of your body, but at times you come off as too look crazed, or self involved, or competitive- it gives peope the wrong impression, and make them miss the real you, you may want to make sure that does not happen ".
But steaming in silence and foaming at the mouth because she loves her apple cum hourglass figure, while you don't love your pear shaped one... first, it's not going to change anything, second, the problem stays in you and your noticeable insecurity , not in her !
If you came to dislike this girl because you have become too different now, by all means distance yourself, friendships too can die in time, just like love. BUT if it's a problem of apple vs pear, big boobs vs. small boobs, do work on yourself and your self image, and get all the counseling it takes to make headways, because otherwise if it won't be this girl it will be another one. You'll feel hostile and in competition toward ANY other acquaintance or neighbour who flaunts her boobs or dresses skimpy , and you'll take it as a personal attack while much probably the poor woman is simply a bit vain ( most women are ) and has no idea this " competition " even exist !.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012):
Ahh thanks. Wil try that. Cause yeah I've been through that with her- I know her- I love her and we're pretty good mates...so yeah maybe I need to just exercise my voice a bit more!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 Hey OP, thanks for the follow up! Very well written.
If you feel that this girl affects you so much, then you need to keep a distance from her. You cant help feeling the way you do right now, I'm sure you will learn to look beyond her with the passage of time, but as of now, dont get too involved. Remember, you are a wonderful person, someone who has an identity of her own and is not lost between the superficial, as she is. Sometimes people behave the way that she does, because they are just screaming for attention. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, maybe she doesnt have a happy relationship with her family? I'm just guessing, of course. Maybe she's been unlucky in love, maybe there's some deeper issues that you dont know about, which result in the way that she comes across. Because this amount of attention to one's body image is not healthy or normal.
Bottom line, if she makes you feel uncomfortable, you stay away from her. Surround yourself with people who make you happy, there's too much stress in life anyway and you dont need to add to that with useless friends who make you feel crappy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to:
A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 February 2012):
I think most 6 year olds would probably just lash out without thinking or probably wouldnt give this as much thought or bother to write about this asking for advice on a site or take counseling sessions lol.
So you are calling me immature. Ok well I'll try to rise above this then and take note of the advice I get. There we go- I made something out of your honest and careless comment. Who knows, I could possibly be maturing or something.
A female reader, Basschick + ?, writes (23 February 2012):
Thanks, i've been doing all that for a while. Got other great mates and my BF now which is sweet. I can't help but still wanna be her friend though just for old time's sake. But I guess I should think about distancing myself from her and knowing how to not take shit from her.
A female reader, YouWish + ?, writes (23 February 2012):
Haha thanks, I really did!
yeah true. Haha I am pretty against the whole media pressure and plastic surgery industry and idea of beauty ideals and fake confidence. It really annoys me that Im getting so wrapped up in this and yes I am stooping to her level even just thinking about all the 'negatives' of her body. I guess I dont want to do exactly what she does so I just think negatively against her in my head. I wish I didnt care as much about it though and could just leave her be. I guess maybe its built up resentment over the years. Hopefully my counselling session and more time with other friends will help though!
A female reader, Anonymous 123 + ?, writes (23 February 2012):
True yeah. Like I said before I'm pretty against all this shallow stuff yet Im getting so wrapped up in it and really wish I wasn't. I dont know why this affects me so much it's pretty annoying. It's really helped by branching out more and I hope to more this year! Thanks
A female reader, pinktopaz + ?, writes (23 February 2012):
Thanks! Ha yeah she acts a bit like that with guys I like as well and a bit with my BF. Yeah, I kind of have distanced from her a bit. Have for 2 years but still maintained contact. And I went and got new friends, a new BF who are all awesome and I love. I know she hardly made any friends. Or kept them more like. And actually recently I've hung with her again- in a group and all the feelings of being annoyed, resenting have rushed back! She was more humbled than before but she still had her thing of always trying to up people and being the boss/centre of attention. Maybe I need a bit more distance from her again!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
Within the first couple paragraphs, my impression was that she's jealous of you and because she is, she tries to talk herself up so that she can make herself feel better while making you feel worse about yourself.
I had a friend that was kind of like that (she had huge boobs also) but we were like 15 or 16 years old. Any boy I liked she would ask out or try to hook up with. She started dressing skanky and trying to show off her big saggy boobs all the time. Trust me, I know how you feel but there comes a time when you realize that some people add to your life and some people take away.
Your friend seems to take away. She gives you anxiety and probably just annoys you. It's probably time to distance yourself from her and hang around people that are fun and don't constantly talk about their looks. She'll find out soon enough that she has no friends because no on will want to listen to her talk about herself nonstop. I've come to find that it's usually the ugliest people (inside and out) that brag about how "great" they are. Give her the definition of "humble" and tell her to shutup.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
Your friend has issues, she's obsessed with looks and her body image, but then so are you. Who cares what kind of a body she has or you have, as long as you are healthy and fit?
She's rude to people, its her problem. She wears slutty clothes, its her problem. Look, its perfectly natural to be jealous, we've all felt this way at some point of time or the other, just don't let it get to you. You are your own person and so is she, and frankly, she sounds like a wannabe and insecure and that's not how you would want to be, right? There's just too much emphasis on flat stomachs and big boobs and frankly that's not healthy. You dont have to starve yourself to look good and neither should that be your claim to fame or only goal in life. Forget about the perfect body, enjoy life and loosen up a bit. Concentrate on studies, have fun, try and make more friends so that you're not just stuck with this girl. Most importantly, refuse to be a part of this obsessive critical fascination with the "who's hotter" debate. There's so much more to life than this shallow nonsense
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A
female
reader, YouWish + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 You sounded like you needed a good vent! I hope you feel better a little bit just for having gotten that off your chest!
If you take a step back and see it from the outside like I have the luxury of doing, you might see it from a much different perspective. Doesn't the whole competition/fight sound so silly? Of all the things to focus on, it's boob size and body shape!
First of all, here's the thing. Ignore what your friend is saying. The only body you need ever focus on is yours, not hers. It's one thing to say "it would be nice to have larger breasts" (the silicone industry LOVES that question as well as the porn industry!), but in the end, does it even matter?
You want a friend who is going to enrich you intellectually, make you feel better about yourself emotionally, and is your equal in maturity. A good friendship does not mean that one friend constantly uses the other as a crutch to prop her ego or security on, and that's what's started to happen.
The honest to goodness real problem is that before, you've indulged and partaken in this whole competition. You've been a participant and have kept up, but along the line, something happened. You are starting to grow up, and the old conversation and manner is starting to become cloying.
However, you're still doing it! Even in your post, you're still comparing yourself to her, refering to yourself as a beautiful male magnet and picking apart every flaw she has. You've gotta break yourself out of this habit, or you might fall into the same habit with a new friend.
Bring yourself out of this whole "who looks better" intrigue because deep down inside when you're alone, I bet you that "beautiful male magnet" wasn't what you were thinking of when you graduated high school and the valedictorian talked about life's dreams and pursuits.
You are who your friends are. I don't advise leaving her yet, because good friends are hard to find and should be valued, and she hasn't betrayed you by stealing a boyfriend or tearing you down behind your back, so since you both were a willing participant in this, if this starts again, just change the subject as if she didn't bring it up.
If she brings up her body or your body, treat it like she had gas and ignore it. If she's that oblivious, then a more direct talk is in order, and not at a club. Just tell her you really enjoy time with her, but you're no longer interested in any competition or repetitious reassuring. Be as nice as you can, and if she gets pissy and bounces on you, you can move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I think it is pretty obvious that she has actually really low self esteem and self worth issues (otherwise why else would she have developed an eating disorder)...as part of her recovery and learning to love herself, she has clearly decided and made a proper effort to love her body, to show it off and to promote it to everyone. it has nothing to do with you, but more to do with what is going on in her own mind (trust someone who has done, and does this exact thing). I understand that it is still super annoying, and no one likes to listen to someone who goes on and on about herself, but try to see where she is coming from. I suggest you, in a kind, perhaps joking manner, say things like 'always going on about your boobs aren't you?' everytime she starts talking about it, until she starts to get the message. or 'okay, that's great but can we talk about something that isn't your boobs' or just blatantly tell her to shut up about it, you have been friends for awhile, she should be able to handle it.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 You need a new friend and spending less and less time with her, is sure to boost your confidence and make you feel much better inside and out. Because your friend isn't really a friend at all and I think you have outgrown your need to hang out with her. Friendships should be supportive and lift you up. If she is so obsessed with her figure (and yours) that she seems not to be able to talk about anything but that, this relationship is taking away from you, more than it's giving. Simply distance yourself a little at a time, find other things to do, and other people to do them with and when she calls take your time returning her calls and eventually don't return them at all. When is she asks why you don't hang out with her you have two choices, avoid the subject repeatedly by telling her you've been "busy" hoping she'll get the hint, or tell her outright that you just don't enjoy her company because she can only talk about one thing; herself and her glorious figure, which by the way is not so glorious and it's time you found new friends who don't bring you down. Once you stop hanging around her, you'll wonder why you suffered for so long. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 Honest opinion? The two of you act like 6-year-olds...
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