A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:This is a general question really...I am in love with my teacher. I am female and he is male.But i have been on several sites looking for advice on this problem. and EVERY single time i have found a male student fancying a female teacher there seem to be loads of answers saying "go for it" "ask her out" but if a female student fancying a male teacher its all "stay away from him" "don't be a silly little girl this is just a crush" "oo the age difference is too large"I am seriously noticing a double standard is here!!!!should students persure these things or shouldnt they?? regardless of gender. what is the actually answer. because it seems that guys get more support and gilrs get lectured. NOT fair!!
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crush, my teacher Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): I agree with you totally. I noticed this a month ago or so, and it is extremely sexist. It might be partly because its a natural instinct to think the girls would get mucked about by the men, as the boys just wouldn't...
Not necessarily true but, its an impression.
All in all, these relationships are huge traps. They change your life forever. They turn it inside out, and destroy it most of the time. If you get caught, BOTH of you are in serious trouble.
If when you get older and hes no longer your teacher then thats fine. But how do you know he likes you too?!
Your not in love as such, your infatuated and obsessed. I know how it feels! You can't carry it on now, you have to draw the line and cut it off from the rest of your life so you can move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): "But i have been on several sites looking for advice on this problem... Lucky for you, you are now here at Dear Cupid where the advice is consistent and sensible for both boys and girls.
If you are under the age of consent in your country sex is not advisable. It is illegal to have sex with someone whilst you are still young. It is illegal for children and adults to have sex, and if they are caught the older partner will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. They will also loose their job and will find it hard to work with children again. An adult that has sex with a child is a paedophile. It dosen't matter if the adult is a man or a woman.
In some situations adults and children can date, as long as no sex involved. You must find out the situations, and your countries laws about the matter. Any adult that what to date an underage child must speak to the parents first and get their permission. If they refuse to do this, they are doing something wrong, you should have nothing to do with them, because they will hurt you eventually.
Teachers are not allowed date their students, the schools laws usually forbid it, even if the student in overage and able to have sex. Teacher/student relations are wrong because there is an inbalance of power, and there may be undue influence when it comes to grade results, the abuse can occur on either side. A teacher's job is to teach, a students job is to learn. A teacher and a student should not be friends and they should not date. Anything else will cause problems and may lead to either jail, unemployment, or a criminal record and the student also faces explusion from the school for inappropriate relationships. You would be wise to study the questions on Dear Cupid that deal with student/teacher relationships. You will find on this site the advice usually remains the same. This relationship is wrong.
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A
female
reader, Angels Eyes  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 I've noticed this aswell and i personally don't think it's fair and i also think girls hurt alot more than guys do when they are going through something like falling in love with a teacher etc.
Guys get encouraged mainly by other guys but a woman always discourages further action or whatever.Women mostly answer girls questions on the situation thats why we are always discouraged!And also it's a males fantasy more than a womans/girls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am in total acceptance that nothing will develope out of this crush.I was extremely happy to see answers from both male and female, because I wanted to see if that was where the double standard lay. It isn't. I guess it's just some people give better advice than others. The pregnancy take on the situation is one I've never thought about before, and that very much applies which I never noticed.Also I had a thought last night and actually the double standard might be the oppersit to the way I thought.If anyone watches the news, or on the radio, I certainly do. The cases we've heard about with teachers being jailed have been predominantly female, such as Karen Ellis, now this could be due to the amount of poor advice males are given, but you hardly ever hear about male teachers, well not splashed around the news anyway.In conclusion I suppose it lies in the teacher's hands. they could totally say no! But judging by the amount of people on here claiming to have successfully persued these relationships, they don't say no. Also the reasons I have seen for "crushing" on a teacher, the ones that don't persue it tend to say "he's so hot" or "she's so fit" and the people who tend to persue have more serious emotions towards the situation.Another interesting thing I found which did make me laugh a little. A young girl on here saying, he wouldn't want to have sex with me, I love him for his personality" That really did make me chuckle, I think if people wish to be with their teachers, we should not try to advice them not to (if they have made up their mind that is it) we should warn them of what this teacher will want being older and more experianced, because honestly some of these cases are so young and nieve and beleive he "loves them for their personality" and that may be true but, judging by an average male, the feelings the teacher has for anyone pupil or adult female, there is going to be sex drive!! no doubt.The girls need to be reminded of that.Iv'e rambled on, but thankyou for your responces.Happy new year =)
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Hi, regardless of gender it would be wrong for you to have a relationship with your teacher.I have seen questions regarding different issues on this site where the answers are outrageous and totally unhelpful.These are normally posted by an anonymous reader though, which says it all.
Getting back to your problem, i had a crush (yes it was a crush) on my teacher when i was around your age, he knew as well and so did some of my friends. When i look back i see it for what it was, and although i know this was perfectly normal i think "my god why did i ever fancy him"?, and seriously if i wasn't married and was on a night out and saw him i would not look twice at him. You will feel the same one day, trust me.
Also if i remember right i started seeing a boy in my year and the handsome teacher was well and truly forgotten.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (27 December 2007):
 You must understand, some of the posters are very young and seem pro things most people aren't. I just ignore them!
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (27 December 2007):
 I have not witnessed a double standard on this site. But if you have read the letters on this site, I would have to say 99% of them are from females, dear. And in answer to your question , "should students persue these things or shouldnt they?" my answer is a flat out 'no, of course not'. The law is the law and teacher's risk a lot of damage to their own lives to even consider a relationship with his/her students.
Male and female teachers are in positions of authority and usually are well-known, well-respected, trusted individuals in the community. They are teaching young people and parents/guardians are also trusting these teachers to always behave appropriately with their adolescent youth. There are ethical boundary issues about crossing the edges of appropriate behavior and teachers are always made aware of this. So if a young student is infatuated with his/her teacher (which happens), it's the responsibility of a teacher to help that student understand that 'there could never be a relationship'.
If a teacher were to date a student then he/she risks the loss of his/her job, his/her career and could have legal action brought against him/her as a physical relationship with a student under the age of 18 (minor) would be considered 'sexual abuse'. Why? Because in a case such as this, it's generally more about the adult's teacher's own emotional problems and an abuse of power over youth. It's considered coercion. And, it would be wrong as it's all about only his /her 'sexual desire and attraction' using that power. This is just about having the teacher's selfish needs fulfilled-not about loving you the adolescent as a potential partner in life. I will repeat, this is not about love on the part of the adult teacher...it is abuse.
Teachers are only supposed to guide, help, develop and educate the minds of the youth, they are educating. If we even casually suggest that a youth is to be held responsible for adult-youth sex because of some "initiated" inappropriate behavior, we are alleviating adult teachers of the responsibility to be the guardians who guide children toward healthy development. For a teacher to have a 'relationship with a student would be considered sexual abuse and the responsibility and legal consequences would on that teacher's shoulders because they were the adult in a position of power and trust. No adult teacher in their right mind would ever consider a love relationship with their student, no matter how tempting. Adolescent girls/boys will forever have 'crushes/infatuations' with their teachers. But they need to understand it will never go beyond friendship. That's just the way it is.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (27 December 2007):
 My thoughts on this question:
1) I am firmly convinced that sometimes the advice you really, really need, is exactly what you DO NOT want to hear. I am also a firm believer in giving direct, even blunt or harsh answers if I feel that is what a person needs to see clearly. I don't do this because I want to treat people badly, but because I've been there myself, and edulcorated answers were no help at all for me. So, if you have gone from site to site looking for answers, and, obviously, nowhere have you heard the answer you wanted, maybe it's because you are refusing to pay attention.
2) Yes, the way the question is asked suggests that the poster might be older than it seems. But there are also some 13 year olds who are very good writers. So, I don't think this is important.
3) At first sight, yes, there is a double standard if you tell a boy to "go for a teacher" while you tell a girl to stay away. However, the fact that you feel that a double standard is biased against you doesn't mean that the bias is wrong. I believe that all relationships involving an adult and a teen-ager are very prone to abuse by the adult. The reason, which you might not see at your young age, is that adults are very different from teen-agers, and they expect different things from relationships. It is very likely that an adult will become involved with a teen-ager just for the sex.
Boys aren't usually told to stay away from women, because, yes, there is a double standard that says that boys need to "do it" while girls need to save themselves for a good one. But abuse does happen against boys. The only difference is, boys don't become pregnant. They don't have to decide whether they want to keep a child or not.
I don't know anything about this teacher of yours, but, in principle, I wouldn't be happy for you if he were simply an abusive man and he made you pregnant. Not that I share the double standard, but I want you to see why it exists.
Take care, dear. And stay away from people much older than you. That is your best shot.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (27 December 2007):
 ive never seen someone tell a boy to "go for it" when he fancies a teacher. If they are told that its wrong, legally and its bad advice. The boy will end up with egg on his face in the end. Students should not persue relationships with teachers. end of. Ok its fine to fancy them. I have. I enjoyed it, but kept the distance. I knew it was a crush and not love and crushes are fun, but its all they are. No student should ask out their teacher as the teacher would have to say no! or end up in jail.
Sorry but ive never seen this double standard, but if youve seen it know that any student teacher realtionship ends up with someone hurt or in jail.
But if there is a double standard i think its because naturally if an older man fancies a minor they are seen as a sexual predator, if a woman does they are not given that title most times, this is because something like 99% of sexual predators are male. So the reason girls are told to adviod their male teachers is because of this. This is my opinion of course.
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan +, writes (27 December 2007):
 It is important we know your real age in this question, as your current age is 13-15 in which case you should NOT even approach your teacher or even think about your teacher in such a way.
How ever, looking at your language you do appear to be older than your stated age - unfortunately, a lot of teachers are not allowed to engage in relationships with their students and in a lot of cases they can get in a lot of trouble and potentially destroy their career.
Unfortunately guys are a lot more, pro-active when it comes to women and get motivated by other people very easily - although you'll find nothing ever becomes of it.
I would recommend you try and get over these feelings for your teacher, as they are not appropiate - he is there to teach you, nothing else.
Ryan
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