A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, My problem is with my child's father's wife. I don't mind her being a part of my child's life because that is his child. The problem is that when it comes to communicating with him about our daughter, she speaks as though she is the father. I have been cordial about her involvement but it became out of hand when she planned my daughter's first birthday party without my permission or input! Now, both of them are coming by without calling first. All I'm asking from him is respect. I still let him see his child even though he has not paid child support yet. I asked her to ease back when it comes to him and I communicating about our daughter. She got mad and my child's father claims that I'm being dramatic. What should I do? My friends saying I being nice and putting my foot down. My boyfriend is taking the wife's side because she is married to him. I need your help, Please! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWait! I have a new boyfriend. My child's father and my boyfriend are NOT the same person. My current boyfriend is taking the side of my child's step mother. As far as it was my child's birthday party, it was wrong of her to plan a party without asking because she planned it without checking the dates first. I had something planned and had the right to say no! It's not drama if I am willing to talk it out. It's only drama if I let her run over me! All I'm asking for is communication.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 November 2012):
 Your boyfriend is taking the wife's side because she is married to him? Am I reading this right and the baby's father and the boyfriend referred to are the same person and you meant to write "ex boyfriend"?
Either way it doesn't matter. Child support and access arrangements are two different things and one shouldn't depend on the other, although I understand that isn't the case everywhere.
See if the child's father and his wife will be happy to sit down and discuss this, somewhere neutral would be best, contact a neighbourhood centre or women's health centre or a church, such as the Salvation Army and find out if they offer mediation services, as a third party will help keep discussions on track.
Child support and access arrangment issues need to be formalised as soon as possibly, as your baby is still quite young visits need to be kept short. As she gets older you and her father can discuss extending visits, sleepovers and perhaps once she starts kindergarten, whole weekends.
You will need to let them both know very firmly your house is your home and not a drop in centre. Unarranged visits are not welcome, and if they dont stop you will seek legal advise. Don't let this couple run roughshod over you just because you are one and they are two.
Good luck, I hope everything works out well for you all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): when you end a relationship with your child's other biological parent, that person's new spouse is going to be your child's family as well and as such you need to recognize the legitimacy of that new family member. You need to adjust your attitude and not treat her as this outsider whose presence is merely to be tolerated and whose involvement with your child's life should be limited as much as possible. that's a very negative and unhealthy way to deal with reality and will not be in your kid's best interest. She is your child's stepmother so she is a type of legal guardian to your child. That's a very real and legitimate family relationship so you shouldn't try to rein it in. You shouldn't take the attitude of "only me and my ex should be talking about our kid, my kid's stepmom should stay out of it." that's wrong. It could be that she might be a much better parent to your child than your ex. Have you remarried? If so, would you say that your husband (the step-dad) should have no say in your child's life? Of course not. Your ex's wife is spending time and energy and investing her emotions in your child. You would welcome this if it came from, say, your husband (the step-dad), the grandparents or uncles and aunts, right? So why not with her?it doesn't sound like planning a birthday party for your kid is "trying to raise my child." It sounds like you're being a drama queen here that you're more upset about THIS than the fact that your ex isn't paying child support.I would encourage you to read up on blended families so you can get some idea and guidance on boundaries in divorced and re-married family situations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): They shouldn't be stopping by without calling first, that's unacceptable and very rude of them, you should tell them to call first. otherwise don't answer the door and say that you were out because they didn't call first.Also your ex should pay child support. Pursue this matter, it's only fair.but as for the birthday thing. what's wrong with her planning your child's birthday? They can have their own birthday celebration for your child, and then you and your new partner can have another one. it's not the end of the world."My boyfriend is taking the wife's side because she is married to him."He's not your boyfriend anymore. He is her husband. And of course he's taking her side, because they are married! that's how it's supposed to be, they are a family unit. She is also part of your child's family. She is your child's step-mother. She should have some say in this since she is helping to raise your child, who is her legal stepchild. Yes you should have the final say since you're the biological mother and doing most of the childrearing. however, it's not right for you to turn this into a monopoly on the child. Is your child being harmed by the fact that his/her step-mom is planning a birthday for him/her? Probably not. So put your child's well being above your own ego. Treat the wife as like an aunt in your child's life. As part of the extended family clan, other family members get to do stuff with your kid too. You can have final say in vetoing it, but for something like this that would make you a wet blanket and an obstructionist and makes you look bad.You're very fortunate that there is now an extra loving family member in your child's life!!! So many single mothers don't have anyone else there for their child besides themselves. You have your ex and his wife. Be thankful for that, and dont' burn bridges by being selfish.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 November 2012):
 First off, I would encourage you to get your child support problems in order. Don't punish the child by withholding her from her father. The person you hurt the most is the child, not the father. Contact your lawyer or state board to garnish his paycheck so that child support payments are automatically withdrawn without his interference.
Part of when you split your family unit is that often times the incoming step parent can take over as custodial parent. I think it is mostly in a woman's nature to care for any child, especially one living in their house. I do not think they went overboard in planning a party and I see no reason why they have to invite or include you in any of their plans. They are a separate family unit (especially since your ex has married) and will soon establish their holiday routines and traditions.
I know this will be hard to accept, but it appears to be the reality of the situation. You and your ex made a baby and from whatever reason it didn't work out. Sadly this is the price that one pays. I am sure your boyfriend appreciates the separation between you and your ex, so why shouldn't they deserve the same space.
As far as them stopping by announced, be polite and tell your ex that you would appreciate a little bit of warning before they stop by so that you can tidy up and be prepared for their visit. It is called common courtesy and they should respect your privacy and space.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): "My boyfriend is taking the wife's side because she is married to him. I need your help"
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do; you're experiencing the fallout that almost all casual, out-of-wedlock breeders eventually encounter: Male and female
parental units have since tired of each other and gone on to other relationships, difference being baby daddy is now married to his first wife and baby mama is shacking up with a subsequent boyfriend.
"I don't mind her being a part of my child's life because that is his child."
That's good, because that is his wife and therefore she is legally related to your child through marriage. Your boyfriend has no legal relationship, and therefore no parental authority or rights, presumed or otherwise. If I was baby daddy, then I'd be going ballistic at the thought of my child sleeping under the same roof as an unrelated adult male.
"I have been cordial about her involvement but it became out of hand when she planned my daughter's first birthday party without my permission or input!'"
She's either being benignly thoughtless, or actively trying to one-up you for kid's affections, or somewhere in between.
"Now, both of them are coming by without calling first."
Inexcusably rude on their part, as non-cohabitating baby daddy burden is on ex to respect your house rules.
"I still let him see his child even though he has not paid child support yet."
Unforgivable, on both baby daddy's and your parts. Child support is a child of non-cohabitating parents legal right and custodial parent's legal obligation to pursue.
For good of all parties, most of all the kid's, there must be a court-approved order of custody, visitation and child support in place, particularly when baby daddy is legally married to another woman and baby mama is legally single.
Otherwise, I agree with honeypie. I think everybody involved has good intentions and is doing what they think is best for kid, everybody involved currently has radically different and completely incompatible philosophies of exactly "what is best" constitutes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 November 2012):
 I would look at it like this - you have 4 people in your child's life who all love her and want the best for her.
You - your BF - your ex and his new wife.
So your child has a LOT of love around her.
However, I would sit down with your EX and his wife and set some rules. I would NOT be happy with anyone else just planning my child's birthday, NO MATTER how nice their intentions are. That should go though you. So I would sit down and make a list of things/rules you think are fair - and then talk to them.
Just because you and the child's dad both have moved on doesn't mean you all can't make this work. I just think you need to consider that his woman is not doing these things to be mean or disrespectful but because she too LOVES your child.
So work it out with minimum drama and make it work - for the sake of your child. Don't be petty, but don't let anyone walk all over you either.
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