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Cheating. How do I respond to this? I really loved this girl, and was going to propose to her

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 July 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 26 July 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Well me and my gf are both 26 years old and have been with each other for the past 4 years.

Met her in my last year of College and have been with her since. We started living together about 3 months of getting together and everything was lovely, for about 2 years.

Recession hit us hard, really hard. We both lost our jobs (I was programmer at a pretty large business and she was a hairdresser at a salon).

With no jobs, bills started to pile up and what not, eventually we had to leave our flat.

My gf's grandma was moved to an old peoples home and with all things sorted, we were allowed to live at her grandmas house.

Let me emphasise that despite all this happening, we were still rock solid. So we both got s^^t jobs to hold us over and some time passed.

After a while, i found a really good job (programming) that pays brilliantly and is what i love. After a while, we were back on our feet but had grown attached to the house/neighbours so we decided to stay, at least for the short term.

She eventually quit her job since she HATED it which was fine by me as i was making enough to support the both of us.

So some time passed.

I started to notice that she was acting differently. She was still very affectionate to me. But the way she was was different.

As in looking guilty-ish and keeping to herself a lot more. I was starting to get worried for her, the thought of her cheating did cross my mind but i passed it off because i thought she would never do it to me.

Then she started to get on her phone more. She was on her phone quite a lot before, both private and normal conversations but now, whenever i walked in to the room, she would start to whisper or go outside/to another room, ALWAYS .

One of my best friends from High School who lives across our current home mentioned to me that she saw a guy leaving our home (while i was at work).

I asked for a description and she gave me one, dont think it was anyone i knew.

Oh i also forgot to mention. She also started to become very distant in the bed. Like i said, she was still very affectionate towards me but just didnt want to go there.

My friend is a housewife and is usually at home.

I think she also knew something was up.

I asked her to just look if this guy keeps coming and she did. I met up with her today and i was horrified to find out that the guy came to our house 5 times in a week (Im at work 6 days a week).

She says they're in their for 2-3 hours.

Im so heart-broken right now and have been crying for the past hour (not yelling but tears constantly running down my face). I really loved this girl and was going to propose to her soon.

What should I do? I am so very confused. I don't know how to respond to all of this.

View related questions: at work, best friend

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (26 July 2016):

Why are you crying? You should be celebrating that you have avoided making one of the worst decisions a person could make - and thats marrying a cheater.

If I was in your shoes, she would be gone in a moment. Locks changed. Any assets of mine she had access to would be immediately revoked. All gone.

Do anything else, and your a fool.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016):

thanx for the update guy.. was wondering how u handling it.. jst ease up on the boiling water of urs a little, dnt want u to do something insane in such a state.. remember u jst ther nw to find out if ur instincts were right.. THATS ALL.. keep calm afterwards.. take a walk... try to smile.. and think happy thoughts like hw u would put a smile on someone elses face now and not her's or something like that.. ag you wil no what to do... anyway goodluck and strongs.. keep us posted

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016):

Tomorrow... im not going into work and have took my 2 week holiday (she doesnt know). Instead i'll be at my friends house looking through the window. When i see him go in, im going to wait a while and sneak into our house.

And if he doesnt come tomorrow, i will wait till he does show. I want to catch her in the act so theres no denial.

I've just been sorting out living arrangements and my older bro said i could come visit him for a while.

Sorry if theres alot of spelling mistakes guys, My blood is boiling right now. I really needed to get this all out.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntStop the friend getting involved.

Don't get proof she's cheating, just ask her as an "concerned boyfriend" if she sees anyone during the day because she "must be lonely". If she says she doesn't see anyone, she's lying. Tell her what you know and see her reaction. Then decide where to go from there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntCould also buy a couple voice activated recorders (about $20) and put one in the bed room and one close to the front door.

It might be safer to put up a couple of cameras or recorders than showing up and confronting them.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (24 July 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntI wouldnt suggest talking to her about it just yet. The moment you do she will deny it and from then on IF there is anything going on be SUPER CAREFUL and there goes a great opportunity to get the proof you need. Hire a private detective if you have the cash and like someone else said spy cams in the house. Personally I wouldnt nick off home when you think he is there because you will be in such a tizz that you dont want to end up in an accident or altercation of some sort. If it pans out to be true, when its up to you if you stay or go but starting off a marriage on grounds like this would not be be something I would advise.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (24 July 2016):

Garbo agony auntYou still don't have proof that she is cheating. What you have is a possibility that she is and you need to catch her in the act. Have your neighbor tell you when that guy arrives, take off from work and go home to see what's happening. That will put and end to the guessing and probably end to the relationship if you catch her in the act.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntHmm, this friend across the road is she REALLY looking out for YOUR best or does she perhaps have ulterior motives? I agree with Anonymous123 that it's NOT EVER a good idea to involve others in these kind of domestic situation. THIS is between YOU and the GF.

IF you know this guy is there 5 days a week, and if he is there around the same time, take off from work and go home, see what's up and then decide FOR YOURSELF what is going on.

IF he is there, don't confront him - just leave and come back later, pack your stuff( make sure you have ALL your important papers packed to), REMOVE your name from ALL bills (like utilities etc.) REMOVE her from your bank account (if she has access)kick her off your phoneplan/ call a friend/family (NOT THE ONE across the road) and see who will take you in for a bit.

From the looks of it, it looks like she is cheating. IF he was JUST a friend who came to hang out SHE would have told you, so and so came over and hung out.

For me, cheating is a deal-breaker. THERE IS no excuse. YES, she might have felt down because she had no job,she might have felt SO many things, but the solution to all that is NEVER EVER to cheat.

So in your shoes, I'd "catch" her in the act, pack my shit, leave her HIGH and dry with not a cent. If you were a little bit more organized you would look into apartments/room mate situation you can afford closer to home.

But the thing is WHAT do you want? Do you WANT to stay with a girl who is cheating on you? Would you REALLY still want to marry someone who will DO this to you?

I suggest you figure out WHAT you want to do if it turns out it's true. I would 100% blindly believe this neighbor chick.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016):

First of all where theres smoke theres fire.. and you my friend certainly burnt yourself now to ashes after searching for that fire hence the tears right now..

What is one way of putting out a fire? Throwing water on it right? Thats exactly what you need to be doing now. Theres no excuse what so ever for her to be doing what she is doing right now to you, you been working your ass off to put your and her financial situation behind you and how does she reward you? by having some play time with a other guy? look heres no love from her side no more and its not on you so relax.. her story would probably play out she was lonely and needed someone and all that bullshit whereas now you just need to close the chapter with this girl and move on with your life.

I know its tough, every good guy wants that love of a girl and love in return.. but does she qualify now in that category for u? its a question you too have to answer it for yourself but if it were me, a girl who leaves you crying like that is not a girl for you no more but rather a b***** in my eyes and hopefully when you see it clearly but your as well.

PS: Take this as some positivity as well: you saving money on a marriage that would make you bound for the rest of your life wondering if she ever busy cheating on you again whereas you can now use this money on a other WOMAN who would make you more happier right now..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016):

well dry your tears and go shopping and get a spy cam to put in the house in a couple of strategic places!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (23 July 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI think you might be jumping the gun a bit here. Have you really spoken to your girlfriend about this? You're just assuming things and it's not in good taste to involve your neighbor in all this. You're exposing yourself and your girlfriend to ridicule. Maybe she *is* cheating on you, but right now you're relying more on your nosey neighbor than your girlfriend and honestly, asking her to keep an eye on your girlfriend is not cool.

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