A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a little over 3years and have 2 beautiful children with my husband. I had both children before we got married. When I was pregnant with my second son, I went into a great depression. He was not planned and I actually took a morning after pill but still got pregnant. I was devasted and my husband (who was my fiance at the time) and I stopped having sex since I found out I was pregnant. He has a high sex drive, but I thought he loved me enough to wait...i was wrong. After I had the baby, we got married two months later. One month after being married, I found out he cheated on me. I wanted to just end the marriage. He begged and begged and I forgave him. My eldest was quite happy when we got married to the point where he kept telling his friends and his teachers. But since I found out about my husband's infidelity, we fought non-stop. This affected my son. The woman he cheated on me with, was in a relationship with someone else. Her brother who is good friends with my sister in law said she got engaged to the man and she was expecting. I started to wonder if she was pregnant for my husband. Her brother later stated she changed her statement on who the father of the child is...she stated the father is my husband. The other guy had broken up with her. He too was married with four children...after he found out about her being pregnant, he changed his number, his wife's number and moved out of his rented apartment. Unfortunately for me, I forgave my husband and he tries his best to make me happy but I am not. We moved out of his home to mine. The woman would drop the child by the front door of his home and leave without a change of clothes or his necessities. Last month she opened the gate and just sent him walking to the front door, crying, snot running down his nose, coughing and high fever. As a mother, I could never treat my child like that especially when sick...to me, children prefer their mother when they are ill. Anyway, since we moved, we only brought one bed and left the kids' beds. We planned to bring them up but the kids dont sleep on their beds not if we beg them too. So the kids sleep with us. Two days ago, my husband's BM left her son by the gate of his house again, no site of her when he came to the door...He is about 3 years old. My husband ended up sleeping at his home waiting to see if the child's mom would come for him...she never came, never answered her phone and never called. The next day, he called and she answered. He asked why she is treating the child like that and she just hung up. Again, she never came, but my mother in law decided to keep him for the night. This whole situation has me angry. My husband asked her many times to do a paternity test but she refused. He decided the best thing to do is to carry him to do the test without her knowledge. What should I do in this situation? If that is his child I do not think I can put up with the drama again. I spoke to my husband about getting a divorce. I feel betrayed and taken for granted. Although he tries to be a good husband and is a good father to our children, I can not deal with the drama that comes with that woman. Should we just separate until the test is done? Or should I divorce him regardless of the results? :
View related questions:
cheated on me, divorce, engaged, fiance, infidelity, moved out, sex drive, sister in law Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): Wow you are going through such a tough situation- I am so sorry for you. On the one hand it is hard to get over your husband's cheating- and possibly having the living proof/ daily reminder that he was not faithful or honorable to your union. I think it would be a very difficult fact to live with this every day. On the other hand, hubby seems to have genuinely tried to make things up to you and seems to have reformed from possibly a stupid mistake...There is no right answer here. The ball is in your court and unfortunately I think you are going to have a fair amount of sadness for the next few years whether you decide to stay or leave. Things can get better whatever you choose. You can choose to move forward and make the best of things however you see fit. I think counselling is a must. A number of people have pointed out how pitiful the child situation is- and of course that is true- however, that doesn't change the fact that you are in no way responsible for the child's flakey mother. It is a sad situation, but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for YOU. Not best for your husband, not even necessarily what is best for all 3 kids, but what is best for you. Far too often women put everyone else in front of themselves. Maybe you will be the one to take on a role of step-parent, but you don't have to. That is only the true responsibility of your current hubby and the bio mom. I fear the advice givers here are getting distracted by a sad situation, but yours is probably the toughest position of any one in this situation, children included All the best and good luck,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): You have two, possibly three children. Assuming your husband is in his twenties as well; you're a young family.
You broke my heart when describing the crying three year-old dropped-off and just left by his mother. Such a visual is heart-wrenching. Like you, I couldn't understand how a mother could treat her own child like that??? Your husband's or not; I'm glad the child was taken-in, none of this is his fault. I hope you don't harbor resentment for an innocent child!
I think your marriage is salvageable. I think you're two young people who need guidance and professional-counseling; to repair some awful mistakes. If the child is his, I hope you have it in your heart to adopt him as your own. If your husband is the biological-father; get her to release her maternal-rights. She's too bitter and resentful to share custody; I think she would only bring drama and mayhem to an already tumultuous situation.
I fully understand your wanting a divorce; but you haven't been married that long. You even had kids before marriage, and they are still quite young. They need both of you.
I think the marriage needs work, and you need time. If the child is not his, and she should drop that child off again and leave him, you should contact child-protection authorities. It's nothing short of child-abuse to leave a sick child standing with a fever. What kind of a human being could do that? What a wicked scornful woman!
If a child needs help and is left unattended; it doesn't matter who the mother or father is, help the child!!!
I fear you would resent that poor little one. In all of this, he is the saddest little thing. In spite of all that is happening around him, he has no understanding why; or where he belongs. I see far too much thoughtless and reckless behavior among every single one of you.
Can you handle raising your kids alone? Even divorced, you still share children. He will always be in your life. If that poor child is his, can you just turn your back on him; knowing your kids are his half-siblings?
I beg of you to seek some counseling first. If you practice any form of worship and faith; pray on it, and seek faith-based counseling. If your mother-in-law kept the child, I'm sure she has grown some attachment to him; and he probably has to her. For everyone to just cast him aside, and keep two of his siblings; I just don't know how this will affect him, or the other two as they grow to understand more.
If I were in your shoes. I would insist on marital-counseling. I would put divorce on the back-burner. I would also suggest he get a vasectomy. He has had enough children. You both being so young; I think you've got your hands full, and neither of you are mature or experienced enough to handle so much drama. You need each other, and the children need both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): The child is innocent in all of this and he's still a baby. I cannot and would never understand why a mother would do her child that. My husband is dark skinned and mixed with east indian decent. The other guy is of african decent and he is light skinned. The mother is of african decent and is dark skinned, the child has very light skin and his ears are huge and shaped the same of the other man's. He looks nothing like my husband and his characteristics are very similar to the other guy. DNA works in mysterious ways so the only way to know is a paternity test. Sad to say, she has even made statements like she is going to kill herself and her son. I feel sorry for the little boy. My mother in law kept him for another night. His mother never showed up again so for three nights her little boy slept without her. My husband has a small business in close proximity to my mother in law. This morning we had someone come over to our house to tile the washroom, my husband helped out a bit before he went to work and to visit the child by his mother. Whilst at home, he received a message from his sister stating his BM came for the child and she was so displeased that my husband was not there (I assume like she felt he abandoned her son by my mother in law, since he was at our home and not with the child), she went on to make threatening remarks about my husband. She is pretty much unstable: my husband was so foolish to find himself and therefore his family in such a position. Unfortunately, I was ready to leave with my husband's infidelity. If the child is his, I really can not live with that situation. I honestly feel for the child and my husband feels so much pity towards him and how his mother may act at times. I am not going to lie, our marriage may have some arguments and I have since forgave my husband, we may have had our differences but are willing to make it work for the sake of our children and we try to be discrete with our arguments as we have seen how it affected our eldest son. As I said before, he tries his best to show me he loves me and regrets that he hurt me and is a great father to our children. The whole reason why I am not happy is because of the situation that we are in and the drama his BM creates. To take on a child (although very innocent), born out of betrayal, when I was pregnant, depressed and needed my husband the most, takes a lot...I am not sure if I can. I am just to hope we find out who is the child's father and that the mother gets her act together. I believe in my heart if the child is his, there would be too much strife in our marriage because of his BM's mentality...this would affect our children and it is better they grow up in a peaceful home, opposed to always seeing mummy and daddy fighting.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 August 2018):
 I'm sorry but all I could think of all the way through your post was that poor child, being shunted from pillar to post, being dumped by his feckless mother while he was ill. None of this is HIS fault yet he is suffering more than any of you.
If the woman was having sex with your husband AND her partner, unless they have very different physical characteristics, she cannot know who the biological father is. Also she doesn't sound very trustworthy so you wouldn't necessarily believe anything she says.
What is going to happen to this poor child if the paternity test proves your husband is NOT the father? The child's mother is obviously just looking to dump him on someone. And what if the test prove he IS the father? Would it be easier to take the child in and raise him with your children? At least that way you would (hopefully) not have the constant drama currently instigated by the mother. Could you find it in your heart to take in this poor unwanted child, or would that be asking too much? Some people could do it, some couldn't. Everyone is different. I am just putting the question out there.
As to what you should do, only you know in your heart what that is. This is a situation which is hugely complicated by the presence of 3 children. While your 2 children will want their mum and dad to stay together, it will not be good for them to grow up in a home where there is constant strife and unhappiness. If you two cannot get along together, then it may be better to separate and see if you are happier apart.
I am sorry you are going through this. It must be hell for you but please, please, please, try to have some empathy for that poor child who didn't ask to be born into this and whose mother doesn't sound up to much.
Sending hugs and wishing you a satisfactory outcome from this mess. So sad for all involved.
...............................
|
