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Can't understand why my lesbian g/f would be taking birth control for the sole purpose of not getting pregnant

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 April 2019) 9 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2019)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm struggling how and if to bring this up with my partner as I want to be sensitive and not offend her, I'm not sure if I'm getting red flags or being paranoid.

My girlfriend and me are in a long distance relationship. She is having some birth control supply issues it's really making her anxious. I'm a lesbian and she's bisexual. When we first got together I didn't think twice about her being on birth control because I know there are so many reasons why people take it other than preventing pregnancy. Though I've discovered recently the only reason she takes it is to prevent pregnancy, so not for hormonal reasons or to help with cramping etc etc, she said it's just to stop the chances. One part of me is paranoid that she's cheating on me because I obviously can't get her pregnant. But the other part of me says that surely if she's talking about it this openly with me, I have nothing to worry about. Am I just being paranoid or too sensitive to the issue? I had planned on bringing it up with her straight away but I want to reflect first and thought someone could help be clear my head.

View related questions: lesbian, long distance

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019):

My uninformed guess is that she assumes you wouldn't mind if she had sex with men since you can't provide the same experience. Or, she assumes that you would prefer a DADT situation to an up-front discussion.

Good luck!

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (19 April 2019):

Ciar agony auntIf she's the hyper organized, 'prepare-for-everything' type, she might be taking them on the slim chance that she's raped or something.

Otherwise I don't see the point, but I doubt she's cheating on you. She was open and honest about it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (16 April 2019):

YouWish agony auntYou didn't mention how long you had been seeing each other exclusively, which in my opinion is the key to why she is still taking birth control.

I don't think she is cheating on you with men. I think, rather, she is not sure how long you two will last being in a long term relationship. She's unsure about your future together, and as we all know, birth control is a cumulative umbrella pill. Miss one, and even if you take them every day for weeks afterwards, one interruption in taking them still significantly raises the chance of becoming pregnant.

They are a security blanket for her in case you break up on her, or she meets someone there and breaks up with you, or what have you. She's taking them on a "just in case" basis, which means she isn't sure about the permanency of you and her, given that you're long distance. She may have had advice that "Long distance relationships never last" and it wouldn't be wrong advice. She's a preparer for all circumstances.

I think you should talk to her about your future. Why are you both long distance?? More importantly, when will that status CHANGE?? No one can remain long distance without a definitive end-date for that status. Being that way indefinitely hoping for a "someday" is just as UNSURE of a thing as remaining on birth control.

I'm asking you that question too:

WHY are you two long distance, and when are you NOT going to be long distance?? If the answer is "I don't know!" or "We don't know yet", then that's the same as having birth control, because you're remaining long distance and one or both of you are NOT taking the risk of changing your life to shorten the distance between each other.

However, if it's because of a deployment in the military, or one of you is temporarily away to school or university (I see your age, and you're older), then there should be an actual END date (i.e. May of 2020 after graduation) or you both are doomed. Vague "We need to get the money first" stuff is a way of being unsure, as one or both of you already has a place to live, and it would be easier to get a job locally close to each other.

Sort your future out first before you start wanting her to stop birth control.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt’s possible she’s cheating, but some women start on them for one reason and stay on them for another. Maybe it helps her hormones, after being on them for some time?

You just have to ask. She could be cheating, but she may not be.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI have to ask, how did you "discover" this information? It doesn't sound like she shared it with you, otherwise that would have been the perfect time to ask any questions. Have you been snooping in some way? Could it possibly be that you have got the wrong end of the stick?

Now that you have this information, you cannot just ignore it, unless you are so desperate to keep the relationship going that you will tolerate her seeing other men (and possibly women). Remember, anyone SHE sleeps with YOU sleep with. If you think she is having sex with others, get yourself a sexual health check in case she has passed on any STDs.

Perhaps she is one of these people who believes/pretends to believe that, if the sex is with someone of a different gender, it doesn't count as cheating. There are two of you in this relationship though, and you do have a choice. Talk to her and be prepared to make choices.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 April 2019):


"It's how the role." This was a play on words..."meaning the same as "it's how they roll!"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 April 2019):

It's a long-distance relationship. LDR's leaves each individual partner to their own ventures and devices. There could be but one possibility. Your girlfriend is bisexual; but she is in a lesbian-relationship at this time. Meanwhile, she hasn't given-up on male sex-partners.

You just may have pursued this relationship with such vigor that she just couldn't refuse you. Be that the case; she has the freedom to pursue other desires. Considering the fact you're living apart, not together. She may not have fully decided to be a full-time lesbian; leaving her options open on returning to heterosexual-dating someday. If the right-guy comes along, she doesn't want to miss the opportunity...maybe?

We frequently receive posts from gay-men and women who diligently pursue people they are attracted to; hoping to turn their platonic-friendships (with supposedly straight-people), closeted, or gay-curious people into experimental-romances. Not considering there may not be a full conversion to homosexuality; just because they might jump the fence now and then. Many experiment in college, never to try it again. Ever! Woman are more likely to do this than men. With men, you're either gay, or bisexual. If you're straight, you're straight. That's that!

Somebody made-up the cute little term "gay-curious." It's the same-thing as being in the closet. You may never ever come-out, or ever have gay-sex. You'll just want to.

Declaring yourself a lesbian might happen perhaps out of curiosity one Ecstasy-popping/drunken party-night; and/or only for the sake of this particular relationship. Bisexual-people want what they want for now; but they may still have their sexual-desire for the opposite-sex. They can be happily-married, have kids, and never have gay-sex again. Not even miss it!

Whether she is cheating or sexually-active with men? I can't say that. It depends on whether she was totally honest about her sexual-orientation. If a woman can fake-it with a man, who's to say she won't fake-it with a woman? Kissing other girls, teasing, and playing make-believe lesbian is a fad or a game with some women. Anyone can pretend or play-act. Anyone can pretend to enjoy gay-sex. There's not much evidence to go by with a woman. Men have to get erections.

Same goes with some guys, who just love the idea of screwing with a gay-man's head; because of some kind of twisted narcissistic pleasure. They'd even go the "man on man" or oral-sex route; just for the sake of authenticity. Close your eyes and pretend it's somebody you'd really want to be with. Many male sex-workers are straight; but can get erect on any occasion, if the money is good enough.

As in the case of rich old gay-men who think they've converted straight-guys into gay-sex. It's gay-for-pay; but those old queens are too delusional and self-indulgent (or in-denial) to see it. They want to pretend they're in-love. I'm gay, and I've seen just about everything. I had to learn by observation and asking tons of questions; because it's not taught in school. Your parents certainly can't teach you this "gay-stuff!" I had good gay-mentors who taught me the ropes. Experience took care of the rest.

Next time you're together face-to-face. Ask her if she is bisexual. She may be in the closet around her family and other acquaintances; and dates guys to keep her cover. Bisexuals can play both sides of the fence, and only pretend to be "out." They often live two lives. Living undercover in a heterosexual-marriage; they don't admit they're bi to their wives or husbands. Bisexuals also lie to their gay-lovers that they're completely gay, or straight. They don't want you to worry. They like having gay-relationships too! It's how they role. You're out of the picture; so she can play the closet gig.

This might be more than you wanted to know. Sometimes it opens a Pandora's Box; when you ask everybody but the person you should be asking. Only she can provide the truth. Press her for it, if you really need to know.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2019):

I think that it could be possible that your mate has such a fear of pregnancy, that she takes the pill, so that in the remote chance that she would be raped, that she would not end up pregnant. Lesbian women are certainly not immuned to becoming victims of the horrible crime of rape. That would certainly be a valid reason to take birth control pills.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntIt makes NO sense for her to take birth-control IF she isn't having sex with MEN/a MAN.

So if she isn't taking them to keep her period on time/lower pains with cramps, skin issues, cysts or amount of bleeding - then WHY on Earth would she need them in an EXCLUSIVE lesbian relationship?

Yes, I think you need to ask her straight up if she is also seeing guys or not. And then figure out where to go from there.

However, I ALSO think that it's REALLY her business what medications she takes and WHY, I just find it odd that she needs birth-control in a exclusive relationship. and I understand YOUR curiosity. Just remember IT IS her choice to take them and SHE can take birth-control and STILL be faithful to you.

Just talk to her. And TRUST her.

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