A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and have been with my boyfriend for 9 years, but I can't stop cheating on him. Our relationship is really good and we love each other so much, he isn't romantic but he is such an affectionate guy. I've been looking on line to try and understand why I do it and all the websites suggest that I have a need for attention which stems from an unhappy childhood. Well my upbringing wasn't the best, my mum is on her 4th marriage, we were poor and my mum was always depressed and I was sexually abused. Sometimes I'm proud of how well I have actually done for myself but I risk losing it all by keep cheating. Why can't I stop?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Perhaps having a boyfriend is not what you should have until you can seek professional help and lay to rest your upbringing and any other issues. Just stay single and then you won't cheat on anyone because you are free to be with whomever you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Thank you so much for your responses everyone. Firstly I feel so guilty about the cheating which is why I'm trying to understand why I do it. I want to stop and I did stop for four years but it happened again at the weekend. It always happens when I've been drinking, I always say no at first and then before I realise it we've ended up kissing, but I do stop it from going any further. My boyfriend doesn't know about the cheating nor did he know about the abuse, nobody knows.I decided to tell him about the abuse last night and he was so understanding but now I feel guilty that I only told him out of my guilt for cheating. We discussed everything from my childhood and my boyfriend thinks that everything is coming to the surface because my dad died very recently and I think he might be right. I'm not excusing the cheating but I have realised there is a link between things bothering me and my cheating. I think everyone is right, I need to see a counsellor!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 You need to address the childhood sexual abuse with a therapist. This could be the root cause of your behaviour. People react in different ways to this kind of abuse. I am also a survivor and my reaction was at the other end of the spectrum. I could not handle anyone being close to me. During the time that I was part of a support group, other survivors mentioned the promiscuity. It is rooted in self esteem issues and a skewed approach to intimacy and relationships, all affected by the abuse. You are using sex to mask the pain or to perpetuate the idea in your head that you don't deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship - Self sabotage.
Get the help that you need. You are not alone and you will overcome this. In time you will come to realize and accept that what happened to you was not your fault and that you do deserve to be happy and loved.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (23 September 2013):
I am not going to beat you up like the other agony aunts have i firmly believe that you need professional help and counselling. Do not bother trolling on google search trying to find out why you do what you do. But if you can reach within yourself and put yourself for one hopefully self less hour think of what your boyfriend might be feeling. I know you are hurting deep inside from your abuse and i can fully understand in my own way why you are acting the way you are. I dated a girl when i was in my early teens who also was sexually and physically abused. She had the same symptoms, but she had been abused so bad that she could never give love like any man would expect in even a partial normal relationship. If it was not the fact that my mom is a Psychologist i would of never known. She got the girl the help she needed and went through hoops for her. But when it all boils down you, yes you have to want to get help,you have to realize that your behavior now is not normal. And you have to make the first call for help. Your boyfriend cant do shit to help you, Christ i am a son of Psychologist and even i could not understand the pain and suffering you and my x girlfriend are going through. I do know one thing though you know your boyfriend wouldn't be happy with what you are doing. You owe it to yourself and i know it wont be easy but you must let him go. If you cant face him then sit down one night when you have a sane moment and do the one decent thing that will help you in your recovery. Let the poor man go. Tell him what ever but try to let him down gently. You have been a expert in covering up and cheating so think up a good story if you don't want him to know the truth. At this point in time your boyfriend doesn't need the couple counselling like the other agony aunts suggest. He probably couldn't cope with the truth and either could i when i was told. So I am asking you to do one decent act No i am begging you to do the one decent act and let him go. This i believe is the best solution right now. After that get help ASAP as of last month. Being a victim myself i can see no other solution. Your boyfriend will get over this but i firmly believe even the strongest man like myself couldn't cope to hear of all or part of the abuse you have suffered in your life along with all the additional relationships you have partaken in. Say good bye and move forward and now do the one right and decent act and let him go and i know it is going to be very hard for you to do this but you must Please...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 September 2013):
 Have you been in therapy for the sexual abuse? It is quite likely an unresolved problem, and cheating could have turned into your way of protecting yourself. Not that it excuses you, but if you understand the cause you might stop it. In what situations do you cheat? Could you describe a "typical" insident, or perhaps tell us about some of the experiences? Try to recall how you felt before, during and after. And ut us good that you talk about this, I am glad you dared share it with us. How many others know about this? Both the sexual abuse you experienced and the cheating? Talking is the first step.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): janniepeg makes such a good point at the end of her post.How are you putting yourself in these positions to cheat? How are you ending up alone with guys when you have a boyfriend? Maybe that should be your first step to not cheating is to change your company or environment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Getting help or not getting help, what you have to do is just stop doing it. You know when you're going to far with someone, and though it might seem hard to turn it down, you wont realize how easy it is until you give it a shot once or twice. I'm studying psychology as a major. What triggers you to give in to the temptation? Is the inability to tell a guy no or is it the strong desire for sex? There are alternatives to both of these behaviors. There's got to be something that triggers your behavior and it is more important than the behavior when considering a solution. Getting yourself to make a change can be hard, but with the right steps, you can learn healthier ways to deal with your harmful impulse.When I was younger, I used to get reeled into the company of players. I felt that to be accepted, I had to give a guy what he wanted.. sex. Now that I'm older, I've learned to feel even better about myself knowing that I was the girl who didn't fall for those games, unlike many other girls around me do. It feels good to give a firm lady like rejection to a guy who knows he's just trying to get some. I respect myself and they know it. It looks good on me and it would look good on you as well. You make the change, and then you'll learn to do it naturally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Does risking it all give you a thrill? If you seek professional help as you should be sure and tell them that you get a buzz from the risk so he can skip right to the part about your addiction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): I think you need to see a therapist.
You have my sympathy for the pain and suffering of your childhood but that does not give you the right to inflict continued pain and suffering on someone who clearly loves you.
A professional will be better able to help you understand why you feel compelled to cheat on your partner and how you can find healthier ways of coping with the trauma you've experienced in the past. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 September 2013):
 What strikes me in this post is that you don't feel bad about the cheating, only when you fear you would lose a good boyfriend.
Online maybe you were looking for reasons why in general people cheat. You didn't search abuse survivors and sex addiction. I believe that people who had been abused lose their boundaries and feel that sex is a way to feel in control. Not able to say no because when you do you get violated and when you say yes you have the power. Most people filter out outside temptations and not pick up subtle vibes that they other person sends out. For people who are abused it's like they don't have that outer shield, they are bare naked and letting everybody in. When you were abused those people took away something from you. You may even look at sex as an escape. Your childhood mapped your blueprint for life. There is a cycle of instability and escaping from the stress. Being with a good boyfriend didn't take away that stress so you keep on perpetrating a destructive lifestyle.
I think the only reason why your boyfriend forgives you for 9 years is that he understands that no one else knows what it feels like to have been raped. Or that he is a doormat. Doesn't excuse your cheating.
Maybe you never understand yourself but more important thing to do is to stop cheating, stop talking or drinking with other men even before you know everything about yourself.
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A
female
reader, Lovehelp2000 +, writes (22 September 2013):
You might be scared that he will cheat on you so your cheating on him instead. Think to yourself for a second.....
Do you feel attracted towards the other guys you have slept with.......
If you do that might explain why you are cheating....
If not it might be because of something psychological
You could be honest and tell him the truth but not if you dont want to risk losing him
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