A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend's brother's girlfriend often pops up on Facebook and talks to me, asking questions and generally being friendly. However, in person, she is very cold. I have only met her once for a week as she lives in the USA and after a year of chatting on Facebook every so often she came over to meet us. I was pretty annoyed because she was very cold and distant the whole week despite being polite. I am English and I guess the reason we got talking on Facebook in the first place is because we'd ask each other questions about our culture. She would often comment positively on my accent and compliment my art work etc.Since she came over, she has popped up twice online again asking how I am. In other words, she is chatty, eccentric and energetic online but totally cold in person. Is it that she's shy? Does she not want to be friendly when her boyfriend is stood with her in person in case he gets jealous? Is she just a fake? I have NO feelings for her whatsoever (that's just wrong / weird) but i'm simply saying I found her behaviour very odd and obviously I don't want it to affect MY relationship with my girlfriend.
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facebook, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 That is the thing with online, people can hide behind a screen, they have time to type out a message and think about what they can say, where as in person they have to be themselves. So reading what you have to say my guess is that she is shy in life and that is why she chats a lot on line. Am sure she was not being rude she probably just didn't have a clue what to say to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): (I posted the question) She was communicating a lot and honestly there was no chemistry at all. Mainly just chit chat and banter as we were both from different countries and obviously had a lot of questions for one another. This is not even a 'relationship' question and possibly doesn't even belong on this site, but just more a question about friendship / communication. It's just that after the meet up she was all enthusiastic and bubbly on Facebook again, joking and asking questions, but like i've said, was pretty rude, unenthusiastic, cold and unlikeable in person. Just totally baffled me (and my other half to be honest). I'm guessing either a) she just has issues talking to people face to face, having no friends at all b) she was afraid of causing jealously with her fella or c) puts on a fake persona of being wacky and mad online but in real life isn't at all. My girlfriend had also spoken to her online, it wasn't just me, and we were both expecting this wacky, bubbly, crazy character who in person was the polar opposite.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Surely Facebook was invented as something for people to do when they're bored. I talk to people on there I haven't seen for years and don't intend to. It's not a way of forming deep friendships; quite the opposite in fact. It's just a bit of fun. Of course she talks to you when she's not with other people what else would she do? I don't allot special time to my male Facebook friends (my bf wouldn't be happy).I've read your question and all your follow ups and it's hard not to see a bruised ego here. Were you communicating a lot online? Did you develop a small crush? Did she realise that and want to keep her distance in real life? If your communication was rare then it's easy. She's barely on your radar so keep your answers short and brief and in time her communication will tail off. If it was more regular then you'll have to be more subtle but in truth you shouldn't both be communicating a lot anyway as I doubt your gf would be pleased. If you're just one of those people that really takes against someone easily then see this as character building (as my mum would say). Most of us spend our lives having to interact with people we don't like; work colleagues, distant relatives, partners friends etc. We all need to find a way of getting on with people we don't like; it's a valuable skill.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): (I'm the one who asked the question) He's not directly said that, but just judging by how scathing he is of people having friends / girls as friends etc, I think he's just a very bitter, insecure and jealous guy. I don't mind having this online friendship it's just I would have appreciated her opening up to me in person as well. I probably won't see her for at least a year so it's pointless getting into conversations on Facebook only to see her in a year's time and barely interact. I guess the whole issue for me is that I just feel a little irritated that she seems to talk to me when he's not around as in 'oh, i'm bored, I'll see what *** is up to' etc. I could simply blank her completely because she was so rude in person but I don't want to make it awkward for my girlfriend as I'm sure she wants me to get on with her family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): I think you answered your own question. Her bf is funny about her interacting with the opposite sex so she tries to not appear too friendly in person. It was more common place and in my day it was assumed you were having sex with a guy if he said more than three words to you so most women were conscious of their behaviour. I'm friendly, smiley and warm and in my younger days it got me into hot water either by women banning their bf's from speaking to me, by my own bf's getting jealous or by me having to reject someone's unexpected advances. Over time I toned it down and I'll chat to other men when I'm with my husband but consciously not be very friendly. I know both of my BIL's quite well and we do communicate through Facebook quite a bit but I don't ring them, text, meet up or anything like that. It's just chatting. I also communicate by email a lot at work so there I can be more friendly but it's safe online as even if people misinterpret my motives nothing can happen.I don't see this as a problem. Why would your gf be bothered because she wasn't friendly when you met? Surely she'd have far more of an issue with her if she had been all over you? She's just another Facebook friend and even if one day you end up being family she lives on a different continent, so you aren't ever likely to live in each other's pockets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): She's friendly online bc it's "safe". She can come and go with any excuse she wants and you would be none the wiser. She also can have male friends behind her boyfriend's back even though he doesn't approve. I'm betting he doesn't know how friendly and chatty she is online. Do you have his Facebook or email? If so, say, "OK Clara, you're much different person online than you are in person. I know your boyfriend doesn't like you being friends with guys so in order to prove myself, i'll be sending him random screen shots of our conversations from now on" watch her reaction. Bet she'll change her tune then.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): She just chats to me. And to be fair, in my opinion, her boyfriend is very uptight about things. They don't socialise, he finds it weird that people have friends of the opposite sex etc. Maybe this is part of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 November 2016):
 My vote?
She is a bit shy and she is trying to not create any jealousy with the BF. Some people are very "chatty" online and in texts, but in person, they falter. I think she is one of those.
Does she chat with your GF too? Or just you?
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