A
male
age
51-59,
*om99
writes:Hi... this is a weird one I guess. I have a secret I've never told anyone: Although I'm an intelligent, well-spoken, well-off man from a very upper-middle-class family, I am only really sexually attracted to women I can't stand.I've heard of the 'madonna-whore' thing, and maybe it's something to do with that. The only kind of women I ever fantasise about are sluttish, with lots of makeup, tarty clothes and large breasts. The sluttier and dirtier the better. But worse than this - they have to have a personality I detest. This is the weird bit.Basically, in normal life, I can't stand women who come across as 'airheads' and are only interested in shopping and reading Heat, watching moronic TV shows and going out in screeching gaggles, etc. I guess that covers the majority of young women, or the ones I seem to come across - but anyway, I hate it. So much so, that I would probably kill myself rather than have to spend time in their company.Well, my sex-fantasy girl is absolutely like that. The more air-headed and stupid the better, the more giggly and dumb, the better. If she giggles and doesn't understand anything worthwhile that I say, all the better. It's almost a masochistic thing - I want to despise her and feel miserable in her company, apart from sex. I want her to be mindless, boring, superficial - everything I hate.When I sleep with girls like this, I am turned on like crazy - much more than I am with someone interesting, elegant and nice. But then I just want her to disappear afterwards - in fact, I can't stand being in the same room as her. To be horribly honest, deep down I even want to hurt her -for being such a vapid waste of space. I feel as though people like her are the reason our world is full of such puerile things (Heat, Big Brother, ghastly chain shops, etc). I know this is a huge generalisation and a very bad thing and I would NEVER do it, but I'm being honest here. There's definitely a violent impulse, deep down. So I just tell them to get their things and go, and they usually get upset, etc.What's going on? And apologies if I sound misogynistic - I'm actually not as bad as I sound, because I hate men who have the same airhead qualities too, not just women. It's just that I'm talking about women and sex here. I suppose I am just rather an anti-social person. So why do I have these perverse desires?I guess I need some serious therapy huh?Tom
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male
reader, Tom99 +, writes (22 May 2007):
Tom99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone so far, you've all given me some interesting perspectives on this. To the person who suggested the root cause is something to do with my relationship with my mother - you might be on the right track actually. My mother, sadly now deceased, was a very dominant, proud woman (though not a cold person - quite affectionate and cheerful, but with very strong views). I did have a bit of a love-hate relationship with her. She wasn't religious, but she did once confide in me that she always disliked sex (though I was already sexually active by then so I don't really think it affected my views)... I think it's true to say that I am a sadomasochist, though I don't act anything out. I have a powerful job and I enjoy power over people, though I try to be careful not to abuse it. Perhaps there is some imbalance between the responsibility I have to shoulder each day (I'm the director of a large international company), and the expectation of having sexual liaisons with 'nice' women? It seems like more than that - but I'm sure it's something to do with it... anyway, thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Hi there - just a quick question but do you actually take the time to get to know these women - really get to know them via conversations? I mean sometimes on the surface of things people can irritate us and we can hate them but once you get to know them you realise that maybe there not so bad. Why does it matter if the dumb - (and by dumb Im guessing that you mean their not very inteligent) - do they have common sence and opinions? The film 'Pretty woman' is spinging to mind here, don't always judge a book by its cover and once you've got to know them and you still don't like them then you can reaccess the situation again.How do your friends and family feel towards the woman you sleep with/assosiate with? Is there an underlaying need to rebel? If you really are worried go speak to a proffesional as we can only speculate.Take Care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but it does sound as though you need to dominate women and only feel attracted to them when you are in a position of power. If you need to hate them before you fancy them, I guess you may have had a weird relationship with your Mum? Did she or your parents make you feel unworthy or stupid at all? Have you got an emotionally incestuous relationship with your Mum? Boys who feel dominated by mothers sometimes have trouble connecting with women later because they feel it would be a betrayal. Therefore it would make sense to go for people who are the opposite of her, but if reduced to that, I would imagine that you would hate them and her for it - for making you feel so stupid and powerless? On one hand you enjoy it because those women are a kind of revenge upon her and family expectations of you. Try to think of your life like a timeline and map out occasions during which your Mum or maybe other women made you feel inadequate or angry. Perhaps you can find some beginnings of truth there, to discuss in therapy.The hatred you feel is directed somewhere, but where the true focus is – is up to you to explore with therapy. You do need it for sure, or you won’t be able to have a happy family life – you certainly should not have children of your own until you understand all this, or you may repeat some pattern or another onto them.Please let us know what you think.
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A
female
reader, Miss_Oz +, writes (22 May 2007):
 I'll admit, I'm rather worried about you. Clearly, there are underlying issues here that make you have these impulses; it's not quite the same as just having a thing for slutty women. The desire to hurt could be a simple sadistic tendency but the way you describe it, there is a good chance you may actually find yourself commiting harm to one of your conquests. I would think that maybe because of your upbringing, this is a subconscious way of 'rebelling'; although I think it's at a very unhealthy stage. Wanting to bed loose women is fair enough and quite normal; wanting them to have personalities that make you want to deliberately hurt them is not. I agree with you that I think you do need to see a councillor or therapist before you find yourself doing something you regret; fantasies are fine but when you have as strong an urge as you do to carry them out when they're of this nature, it's dangerous. You need to speak to someone and find out why it is you feel the need to be with these types of girls and how you can start to work through the violent part of your issue. An intense dislike for so many people, male or female, can do nothing but hinder your life and make you unhappy. Please do seek psychiatric help of some sort, before you harm someone and end up in serious trouble. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Are you seeing sex as a negative thing? It sounds like it. This is more common than it's made out to be, but I know a lot of people who have a scission between love and sex. Love is the ideal, for the perfect person who comes into their lives. Love is pure, in a way - and sex in a loving relationship isn't necessarily a huge turnon, it's a way of expressing love.And then, sex. That's something completely different. Do you know the film Belle de Jour? A charming young Parisian housewife who works in a brothel in the afternoons, not because she needs the money; just to feed her masochistic side. Love is about the other person, sex is about oneself. It's not the other person in the room with you, it's the fact that you're there in the room.My advice would be to get counselling and find out what it is that compels you to bring out this almost sadistic side of yourself, sexually. It could be anything. Some people have childhood issues, some don't; some have had traumatic experiences, others haven't. Another factor could be society's messages, especially for people who have been brought up in a strong religious environment ("Sex is the most wicked, evil thing on Earth, so you have to save it for someone you love"). Good luck getting over it. The fact that you're talking about it on here is already a positive step.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): At least u are honest with urself. If it is just sexual and u have sexual experiences with women of that type (and suppress the violent impulses) then u are harming no one (presuming it is just sexual experience thats mutual of course). If that floats ur boat then its ok if no one is being used or abused. A lot of men like the idea of a slutty woman to bed - but wudnt marry one. A lot of women like a 'manual worker' 'rough' image bloke to have sex with but not a relationship. Same thing I guess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): you get off on the sexiness of dirty fantasies but they are a result of problems with intimacy. get over the need for people you dont like by gaining some self esteem. violent urges represent something dangerous, sort it out and refrain from acctivities until you can feel more social.
be good
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