A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bizarre problem! I've been seeing my boyfriend for ten months and we often go away and stay at hotels but the thing is he picks me up after work about 3pm then when we arrive at our hotel he wants to literally go to bed straightaway and have sex and stay in bed until we check out the hotel next day in the afternoon,when I try to get up to make a drink he goes mad and says I don't want to relax with him and gets right angry about it I cant understand this??I really cant be in bed that long it gives me a bad headache ive told him this many times but he doesn't listen and continues to behave in this manner. I would love some advice and opinions on this as ive never come across this problem before, if theres any men that can shed some light on this I would love some help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2018):
 Have things changed yet or is he still making the effort? I mean your original post made him sound like all he was wanting was sex but your updates said something completely different. Can I ask what is it that is stopping him from staying with you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2017): also we went out for the day on the weekend and had a nice walk and didn't have any sex so I do think he does care about me
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2017): Update:Well things have been improving after talking things through and we now go shopping together, go for dinner and sightseeing and don't spend all day in bed as much. Hes taking me on holiday for Christmas to somewhere I really want to go so I do think perhaps I've been over analysing the sex thing and my insecurity made me believe the worst when in reality we both do love each other. I do stay at his mums place on occasion just don't like to invade her space as its a small place. I do love the sex and romance and I feel happy, content with him going out together we do have fun. So I am hoping to keep going with this relationship as to be honest looking back Ive never really felt in love the way I feel with him. After all this time I still get excited and look forward to hearing from him and seeing him so that must mean something
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 December 2017):
Why can you not both stay at each others houses, does his mum disapprove? Your parents? I mean this sounds like a very strange set up for people in there thirties. Or is that your real age?
For me it sounds like he just wants sex from you, this does not sound like love at all. Plus the fact that you pay for most off it makes it sound even more like he is using you, what is it you get from this relationship?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): That is a strange habit. I mean, many men would relish the chance of being in bed all day at a hotel... but not each and every time.
If you've talked to him about it as you say you have, and he's not interested in meeting you even halfway on the matter, he's being quite selfish. Now's the time to make the point though and make it clear that this isn't what you want. Don't stop the staying in bed all day thing altogether, otherwise the selfishness has just move from one person to another. But breaking this habit now is the best thing to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): If a person gets angry because you want to get up and make a drink I suggest you run a mile and very quickly. This has absolutely nothing to do with mismatched sex drives or whether he only sees you as a bit on the side etc etc.The very important point is that you can't do ordinary things that most people wouldn't bat an eye about without this man trying to make you feel guilty about it. This man is ALL about controlling you. And if you continue to see him, his behaviour will most definitely get worse.You are setting yourself up for a very unhappy time with this person if you continue with him. Learn about the sort of people who like to control others. Read books on the subject and you will understand better what you are up against. This is not a one off. He won't suddenly change into a normal, rational human being who cares about you. He can't even let you make a drink!! How f@@@ked up is that? You have come to ask for advice because you know that something is wrong. And you're so right. The sooner you can realise that this man that you say you love so much, is bad news the better off you will be. He gives not one jot for you. You have spent hours and hours having sex together and he gets angry that you want to make a drink! You know that his behaviour is questionable. His desire to control you to the extent he has shown he wants to control you should be enough for you to take the rose tinted glasses off and see him for what he is.Mark my words he will not suddenly change. This is who and what he is. And before you or anyone else suggests talking to him about it or going to counseling, understand that he knows that how he is behaving is wrong. He is seeing how much he can get away with. How much he can control you to be an obedient and submissive partner to him. Read about control in relationships and about the different types of abuse in relationships. Because this is what you are heading straight into with this man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): yes I agree honeypie he seems to want to control everything what we do and when, how long for and this seems to be his personality. When I say anything and challenge him he goes mad and says I will take you home then.He doesn't seem to compromise at all most the time. He is saving for a place but in the meantime this was our only way of spending time together. Also I seem to have to pay everything even though he works and I don't atm so I do find him extremely tight with money, time and compromising. I'm not sure I will be able to continue this relationship due to all this. I do notice he wont do anything with me unless it involves sex too. Like he wouldn't take me out for a walk unless we have sex. He says he love me but actions mean more to me than words. Although he is very reliable and always makes time for me on phone and in person. Hes never lived with a woman so I can see why now..i don't think theres a woman who could be his sex robot 24 hours a day following whatever he says constantly. He is going to be alone a long time if I leave him. He was alone 4 years before I met him and he says hes used to being on his own so I guess his lifestyle alone made him selfish.Today he asked me to go on another trip again lol
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 November 2017):
 Honestly, OP?
You are PAYING for these trips (mostly) and then being treated like you have NO say in what you two do? WHY on Earth are you :
1. wasting money on these overnights?
2. staying with a guy who treats you like this?
If you are BOTH in your 30's and living at home, then I get that to have sex and intimacy you kind of have to get out but wouldn't it make more sense to SAVE up some money so you can MOVE out of your parent's home?
A relationship is not about ONE person and HIS needs. It's about sharing and compromising. If he can't do that now... how do you even see a future with him?
I know that sounds harsh but the reality is that most people do NOT know their partner as well as they think. That when you move in together you get a MUCH fuller picture, but you do get "peeks" into their personality. This behavior ( getting mad when you don't "obey" or when you don't want the same as him) is a part of his personality. Doesn't sound like a person who is good at compromising at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 November 2017):
 This sounds a lot like he's living some kind of double life and you're the piece on the side.
Do you visit each other's homes? I've never heard of people VERY frequently going to hotels together to do this sort of thing. Sounds like he's trying to keep you out of public view and get easy sex out of you.
Either cut things loose as they are or be upfront and ask him to explain himself. He sounds very suspicious to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): Yes I've stayed over his house many times he lives with his mum and I have met her. I do agree he has a high sex drive but I don't think there's any woman who could meet his demands what he is asking
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2017):
 If you don't go on these trips and he refuses to see you and spend time with you anywhere else, leading to a split -up... then you would know for sure that he only sees you as a instrument for a nice sexual fill-up and could not care less about you or what's good for you. If he stops giving a shit about you the moment you stop obeying all his whims,... well,that says a lot about what kind of relationship you really have, doesn't ?
OP, please - come to your senses ! You are PAYING good money, and often more than your fair share, to give yourself bad headaches and come home bored, upset and frustrated .
And that's all , or most , I suppose , weekends since the past ten months.
Patience is a virtue, but not when is applied toward self defeating endeavours.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): Hey, he obviously has a higher sex drive than you, but it does spound a little excessive..but to each their own....maybe he needs to find a woman more understanding of his sexual needs...Dont marry him..you'll both end up sorry..ciao
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Why don't you try a totally different tactic here?
When he asks you to go to the hotel with him, let him know that you won't be this time around, as you don't like the way he's acting and be totally upfront with him about exactly what you like/dislike.
This way, you'll finally get to see the "real" person you love and his true colours will be laid bare.
You've mentioned that he doesn't always pay and sometimes you even have to pay for dinner when away, so it sounds as though you're being "used" for his own self-gratification.
Your bf's "getting angry" if/when you want to get up to do things, to clear your head, to help your headache, not to mention, stretch your back, really isn't fair and is downright bizarre.
This is why i've suggested not going at all, just to see what he says/does and never be afraid to "push him away", because believe me, if a man's not serious, he's not serious and if he's going to leave you, he will, no stopping him.
God forbid, if he threatens to dump you, because he's not getting his way, then as much as you love him, so be it.
Either way, at least you'll find out exactly what you mean to him.
I take my hat off to you for hanging in there, because i know i couldn't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): This is a weird relationship. Have you ever been to his place or he to yours? Are you sure this guy isn't married?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): yes the hotel time is the only time we get to see each other and spend time together.
I have told him many times about my headaches and he seems to think im the one with the problem?
If I don't go on these trips basically we would never see each other and have to split up
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 November 2017):
 How does he treat you at other times? What do you do when you see each other normally? I wonder if the hotel time is the only time you two get chance to be properly alone and he is trying to make the most of it?
Even if that is the case though, he should respect what YOU want as well. Why do you put up with this behaviour? By going along with it (albeit under duress), you are making him think it is ok. After the first time or two, you could have put your foot down and refused to go again, knowing what was inevitably going to happen.
Are you scared to stand up to him? Do you think he will abuse you if you do? If so, then get out of this relationship FAST.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Basically we arrive at hotel around 4pm these hotels are around half an hour drive away then he wants to go to bed, we do manage to go out for half an hour for dinner but then its back to bed until literally 12 noon next day, then we usually go out and see the sights have a walk for a few hours which isn't long enough for me.The cost of the hotel is usually split between us but sometimes I end up paying more than him as he always pleads poverty saying he cant afford it and also I usually end up paying for both of our dinners when out. The reason we both go away is because we both live with family so cant stay there.He does work all week doing a physically demanding job and he says by the time weekend comes he just wants to rest in bed but I get frustrated because I like to go out and do things together and he just seems to want to have sex all day and stay in bed. the headaches I get are so bad. I don't know why he gets angry if I want to make a drink and go outside for a smoke. Am I asking for too much I honestly don't think I am being unreasonable ? I love this man so much I feel complete when I'm with him and hes the love of my life. But the way he is behaving is ruining things
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 November 2017):
24 hour or so in a hotel bed ? well, yes, that's strange.
I imagine that he could be super tired and super stressed out, and maybe reenacting John Lennon and Yoko Ono 's bed-in will be his way of resting and relaxing, but... why even bothering to drive and go somewhere else, if all you are going to see is the four walls of a bedroom ? I mean, you could easily do the same at his place , or yours, or if you can't, in some hotel in your city !
Anyway, whatever is the reasoning behind this, he is being very selfish and inconsiderate . That's not just HIS escape, HIS chill time, it's yours too. You are not just a travel accessory, that's supposed to function properly in order to enhance his travelling experience, like an alarm clock or a blowdryer . You are a person, not to mention his girlfriend and travel companion, and if you have legitimate, reasonable needs they should be taken into account too. Explain him again, one more and last time, that it is not a matter of avoiding intimacy, it's a health issue: if you stay in bed too long you get migraines.
So, either you are freed from the obligation to play Yoko to his John , and allowed to act normal, ( but very quietly, of course, in case he is sleeping ) : get up , go downstairs for a drink, or outside for a walk , a swim in the pool, etc.... or you 'll have to refuse altogether to take these little trips. Which atm have no pont, anyway . If it's for having plenty of sex, you can do that locally , without getting a bad hedache, and saving, or saving HIM, quite a few bucks.
If he can't see your point / meet you halfway , and he just gets mad ( ! )- give him his walking papers, and with no regrets. You are not some cuddly toy .... nor a portable sex - doll , as mentioned by Honeypie, and he should not feel entitled to get you physically sick , just because he wants to unwind a certain way ... or even worse, because he is the one who foots the bill.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 November 2017):
That does sound a bit bizarre. I can definitely see spending a weekend in bed, but.... You also have to shower, eat, drink, pee.
It honestly (no offense ) sounds like he has "rented a room so HE can get sex and intimacy and YOU are the prop he brought with him". Like his portable sex-doll.
You need to tell him that you ENJOY the sex but you are just not a lay around in bed at some hotel for 24 hours. It's NOT you. You NEED to express that. Tell him I'd like to go for a walk, go out for dinner or breakfast or see some sights wherever you go. NOT just see various beds and sheets.
If he gets mad, then there is an issue. Is he the one paying? If so... I'll refer back to the " portable sex doll". He wants his "money's worth!". He might feel after a week of hard work this is how he likes to give himself a rest - it's a treat and he gets pissed when you don't feel the same. It's weird.
And again, IF he gets mad over this... then there is something off here.
...............................
|
