A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 31 year old, generally stable, happy person. I am making my way in my chosen field of work and have good friends, good family relationships. However, I've been a bit unlucky when it comes to love relationships. No problem attracting men, but in the last five years I have lost one amazing man in an accident, followed up by a difficult relationship for a year with a man who turned out to be cheating and lying to me the whole time, then after that I spent 6 months with a man who was enjoyable company but total commitment phobe and unable to give me the affection I desire... In between these relations I have been single and ok with being single.At the end of my 6 months with the cold hearted man, the very night I ended the relationship I went out and ran into a man I met a couple of years ago in a work related capacity but hadn't seen since.We made a connection and ended up spending quite a bit of time together as friends over a couple of weeks, doing really nice things together, walks, cycles, going out dancing. I wasn't really physically attracted to him but I enjoyed his company so much that one night when he kissed me, I let him. And I was surprised when we kissed, the chemistry was there, he was an amazing kisser.... but still I wasn't sure.We spent a bit more time together, and after a week or so we shared some time in bed. Maybe too soon but I'd rather cut to the chase and see if there is compatibility in that department rather than wasting lots of time to find out you wont work as lovers. So for the first time it was pretty good. No fireworks or earthquakes but he is an expressive,generous and passionate lover who seems open to learning and sharing nice times together in bed. Great!We get on very well, we're both working artists so have a mutual interest in each others work, we have many shared interests and turns out we grew up not so far apart from each other. Our respective parents live only one town apart up in the highlands. (we both live in the capital city)In so many ways he seems completely perfect for me.. but the only problem is I don't have a strong physical attraction to him. I don't look at him and find him handsome, I still notice other guys on the street out and about that turn my head in a way that he just doesn't. He isn't unattractive but just not at all what I find physically exciting. When we kiss it's great, but I'm worried if I let this relationship happen I will struggle with fidelity if some other man comes along that I do find really physically attractive. Sorry if that makes me sound really shallow :( This man seems really interested in me, he is so kind and funny and thoughtful ... already there's been talk of children, marriage, though mostly him expressing an interest in it and me saying I'm not so sure about any of that. We get on so well, and no man has EVER treated me so nicely as he does.. I feel like I would be an idiot to pass up on this potentially amazing relationship just because he doesn't match my standard of attractiveness. Is it wrong for me to continue seeing him even though I'm not sure about him, I'm a very affectionate person and I'm a bit concerned that he misinterprets my physical affections for loving-ness. I suppose in a way it is loving-ness but I'm just no sure how long I will be able to sustain this.I'm confused, please if anyone has any advice on forming a relationship with someone that seems to like you more than you like them? Can sexual attraction grow over time? Has anyone experience of being with someone they really like and have good chemistry with but dont consider them very attractive? Can it work? I'd be very happy to hear any/all opinions, experiences in the general topic.Thank you
View related questions:
kisser Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 September 2011):
The reason behind telling how you feel is that it allows you to let go of your fear of hurting him. If he knows where he stands, and he is ok to take the risk, and it doesn't work out, he will understand and be ok with it. If you know that, it allows you to feel more relaxed, less afraid to be with him, and can open you up to a greater connection. Let that happen, and you will know where you stand. It could all amount to nothing, or it could be amazing, but no one controls the outcome of these things. Just enjoy the ride....Glad you are taking something from all of our feedback, you have a good head and heart guiding you so whatever the outcome you will be able to manage it in a natural way.
A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Dear friend,In a man's mind, if a nice looking woman he hasn't seen for 2 years, takes the initiative to send him a message and ask him out for a drink it means that she likes him,she finds him attractive and wants to get to know him better. Since you two continued to see each other and have a good time together you became the woman of his dreams with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. I am sure he has no idea of how you truly feel. It is very selfish for a woman to be in a relationship because of what she receives (love, attention,care, money, etc.) and you don't sound like one. Half of happiness in giving! If you didn't find him attractive at all I would say leave, but since you have even the basic chemistry I would suggest to give it time...see if you can love the man he really is and if you can love him, if not equally, at least at a level where you will have a healthy relationship. It doesn't have to be all butterflies and stars, the truth is that it rarely is :) Be honest though. Don't tell him of course that you don't find him handsome as it would hurt him a lot. Instead say that it is hard for you to love someone because of bad experiences and that you will need time but nothing is guaranteed. This way you will get the time you need to answer your puzzling questions but at the same time you prepare him that, although you want to make it work, sadly it might not. Best wishes!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello OP here. Thanks to you all for taking the time to answer my vague rambling question. Much appreciated!
Advice Man - the night I split up with my ex I didn't go running to anyone.. I already had plans to go out to see a friends band at a festival with a couple of other friends. That evening I bumped into this new guy who I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Nothing happened that night, infact his friend was chatting me up all evening and it was only a couple of days later I took the initiative and sent him a message on FB when we decided to meet up for a drink. What was on my mind? I thought he was an interesting person and would like to know more about him. I didn't really consider him as a potential date and made that more than clear over the time we shared the following week.
To give you a bit more information.. a few of my girlfriends are in new relationships at the moment. They have been seeing their new men for around 6 months and each of them (these girlfriends of mine don't know each other, separate social circles) have been telling me from the start that they weren't sure about their guy, and that how he seems to like her more than she likes him, but how this was a somehow preferable feeling to previous relationships going around chasing men who for the most part seemed disinterested. My mother actually remarried a man who loves her so much more than my father ever did and I don't think she has the same level of love for him in return but they are very content together for ten years now.
I thought about all these things, and about the previous relationship I had for 6 months which was highly unsatisfactory due to my exes hot/cold behaviour towards me, and after spending more pleasant time with this new guy I thought well maybe I don't fancy him like crazy but maybe he could make me happy in a way nobody has before?
This new man is an incredible person in so many important ways. Funny, creative, intelligent, thoughtful and he's even romantic! I just don't know if I can handle it though. Weirdly I am so used to being attracted to these 'emotionally unavailable' men that now I have someone ready and willing to look after my heart.. it's kind of freaking me out!
Idoneitagain - Thank you so much for your lengthy response and wise thoughts. I suppose I have came to the same conclusion - the only thing I can do is give it a chance. I suppose I'm worried about hurting him in the end, I have a strong feeling that is what will happen but I'm not certain. There's a part of me that thinks if I give him a chance maybe I could really fall for him. Its a slim chance I think, but I'm going to keep seeing him for now. In fact we're planning a trip away this weekend so that may bring true compatibility issues to the forefront!
I like your idea about being brutally honest to see how he responds to that. It's probably quite a good thing to do - in fact one of my best girlfriends who I mentioned earlier that has a new man whom adores her but she isn't so sure about - she has deployed this strategy of telling him exactly how she feels. I admire that but she is a brutal type of women in her character whereas I really hate to hurt anyones feelings if it can be avoided. Hmmmmm, the path of least resistance isn't necessarily the best one though! Food for thought.
I'd still love to hear from anyone else who has been in a relationship with someone they perhaps didn't find good looking at first but a strong attraction built up over time?
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (2 September 2011):
Lets make a distinction between looks and attraction. A person can be not particularly good looking but you can still have a strong attraction to them. At the same time, a person can be very good looking but you might not be attracted to them.
It sounds like you don't find him particularly good looking, so when you look at him it doesn't do much for you, but you have good chemistry. It sounds like a case where you don't think he is that good looking but there is an attraction. More than that, you love how he treats you and the person he is. That means there is room for depth. It is possible that love can grow here, that attraction can deepen, and eventually you might reach a point where you don't notice his physical appearance as being good or bad, you just notice him for looking like him, and that he is the man you love, and have an attraction to, a chemistry.
It is also possible that you really connect, but the thing that grows is your discontent, that the chemistry doesn't build, and that you find yourself dissatisfied. You can't know how the relationship will unfold, your only choice is to give it a go, or not give it a go.
My advice would be, rather than hear other people's opinions, take the plunge and have your own experience of this kind of relationship, see if it works for you or not. You could be onto something amazing, so I would say it is worth pursuing, if it doesn't work out, at least you gave it a go.
I would do two things though.
First, listen to yourself. If you try and it just isn't working for you, don't do it.
Secondly, the thing that can make the shift one way or the other is to have a conversation with him about it. Tell him how you feel, that you think he is amazing, and sometimes you feel good connection and chemistry, and sometimes you don't feel into him. Let him know, and see how the two of you respond. How you both respond to difficult conversations, and how you resolve problems, can often make the difference on an emotional and attractiveness level.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Gosh I can relate to this so much! almost exact situation as you ... in my case I made it clear to the guy that I didnt think that it would work between us and we decided to be friends. I did not want to hurt him... I would never cheat but I was thinking that when he wants to get intimate I would not want to push him away because I do not find him attractive... I sometimes regret that decision because he was such a good man and we clicked so well and for some reason i feel like sex with him could have been amazing...But you know what? looks are nothing if he is good in everything else I say give him a chance ... we all are going to get old and unattractive later ... give him a chance and be happy ...There are so many women right now who are just praying for a good man ... they dont even care about looks they just want a good man ...
...............................
A
female
reader, LettertoJuliet +, writes (1 September 2011):
Well appearance is actually such a thing which you can change maybe try different hair styles on him maybe take him cloth shopping usually clothes makes the man I believe it could change it. Well I might be young to give you advice but I will tell that I am dating a guy who is physically not very attractive for me however we have great relationship and what I noticed when he is wearing clothes I like like nice suite, pretty jacket, when he cares for himself I find him VERY attractive I instantly want to take him to bed but when he is his usual self it is not like that. I hope that it can help.
...............................
A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (1 September 2011):
Hi there! I found your story very interesting but before i give my comments I'd like to know why did you run to him that very night you ended your relationship? Why him? Why not a close friend or family? What were you thinking when you called him to meet?
...............................
|
