A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been in a long term relationship with my partner for the past 9 years. We talk about having children one day and getting married and we already own a home together. We have an extremely happy and healthy relationship and are very open and honest with eachother. From the outset our relationship looks very normal but there is one thing that is different about our relationship compared to other people I know and that is because we have a semi-open relationship. When I say semi-open, what I mean is that for the past 5 years or so my partner occasionally has casual sex with other women (and sometimes men). This works very well as I think it keeps our relationship exciting and takes away the "seriousness" of it as we have been together since we were very young. It also works well because it was agreed that I would not engage in this type of behaviour as casual sex doesn't particularly excite me except once or twice when we have had a threesome. In recent times however my stance has changed somewhat as there is a guy who I like and would like to have some fun with but I know if my partner knew this he would freak as he is extremely jealous. So my problem is am I wrong to do this without his knowing? I really love my partner and have no intentions of breaking up but I think I should at least be entitled to enjoy some no strings attached fun just like he has for the last 5 years while our relationship remained happy and strong. Please help a girl out :(
View related questions:
jealous, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (15 August 2014):
I would say that if you aren't honest with your partner, in this relationship, then technically you ARE 'cheating'.
I would say it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell your partner that you would like to be accorded the freedom to choose to have sex with another man (after all, he does the same!), but you then have to be prepared for the dynamic in your current relationship to change (not necessarily for the better).
Your partner is honest with you, so you need to be honest with him about your feelings/wants and desires, but also live with the results. Better this, though, than cheating and feeling bad/getting 'caught'.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): Thank you so much for all of your responses they have given me a lot to think about and I definitely now know that lieing is not the answer.I can't help but feel as if some of you are mis-understood about the situation however, it is probably a mistake on my part for not having included more background on the decision to have a "semi-open relationship". I would just like to point out that I am definitely not the victim here, I actually actively encourage him to do what he likes as I find it exciting and enjoy hearing about it. I think this is because we are together so long and I trust him so implicitly that we can enjoy this together and I find it really ignites some excitement to our sex life so this has never been a problem until recently when I thought I wouldn't mind some action myself and I know this all probably sounds incredibly dysfunctional and downright disgusting to some of you but I am genuinely happy with this arrangement, we keep it completely private and are hurting no one and even if he is not happy about me partaking in the "openness" I wouldn't want to stop the way things are now because it honestly does work no matter how hard it is to believe. I'm just not a jealous person and I understand that not everyone is like me and he doesn't enjoy the thought of me with anyone else and I completely get that. The fact that I have a crush on this other guy definitely won't affect my relationship because I won't let it as that is all it is. Yes I wouldn't mind engaging in some fun but not at the cost of my relationship and after reading all your responses it is confirmed in my head that lieing is not the way to go so thank you for that. I just want to assure you all I am not being manipulated or part of an abusive relationship we just don't take the conventional approach most people take when in a relationship. Thanks again for your advice it is much appreciated :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): I cannot believe this situation. I actually can't believe you've been ok with this so far when basically the deal is that he gets to have sex with anyone he wants and come home to you but you can't do the same. I agree that it's time to either demand that you get to have other lovers too or demand that he also gives up having other lovers or just simply leave the jackass. Honey, you should not put up with this.
...............................
A
female
reader, millonbitsu +, writes (14 August 2014):
Hi, kind of just repeating what many others have put but yeah, there's nothing wrong with the dynamic if that's what made you both happy. But it's clear you're no longer happy with the one-sided rules. A relationship should be equal, and on both of your terms. Either the same rules have to apply to both of you, or you go your separate ways. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): You are not in an open relationship. If it were OPEN, you would be FREE to see other men as well. The only time you are "allowed to" is when it benefits your "partner," who sounds like he treats you as an object. This relationship is not equal. You are a second class citizen. You say "it was agreed that I would not engage," not "I decided not to engage..." You are being controlled by this person, and it is not healthy, not mentally, emotionally, or physically. If you really want to stay with this "extremely jealous" man who has "casual sex" with other women and convinces you to join in on "threesomes," then go ahead, and "ask his permission." To me, though, it sounds like a slave-master type deal, and I bet anything you will find yourself much happier if you break it off with this one and pursue a relationship with the new guy (who will have a lot more respect for you if you are not attached to this pimp). Do this slowly, of course. Treat it as a friendship at first so that you can spend some time getting to know yourself, and then slowly let it grow into a real, equal partnership. Start working on your personal health as well. I think you should read about Stockholm syndrome and about women who choose to be in abusive relationships. I know you say you don't want to end this one, but I think that is only because you don't know any better. Your perspective is so skewed right now that what you are writing sounds normal inside of your head, but the rest of us are in utter shock that you would put up with such an arrangement. I think if you get yourself out of this relationship, you will grow into a much stronger, much happier version of yourself and you will be able to choose a partner who TRULY LOVES YOU. This will be someone who truly has YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. This will be someone willing to sacrifice his own comforts TO PLEASE YOU, and who will NEVER ask you to sacrifice your HEALTH or restrict your FREEDOM. He will never HURT YOU to please HIMSELF.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I was in an open marriage. yes you can cheat.
ANYTHING you can't won't or Don't ell your partner is cheating.
Our marriage survived just fine as long as I didn't have a partner on the side, the MINUTE I added a guy my "open marriage" fell apart.
He was fine with an open marriage as long as he was the only one being open.
If only one partner is allowed multiple partners, then it's not an open relationship you just permit him to scratch his itch outside of your relationship to keep him.
watch how fast it falls apart when you add a guy to your mix.
also... DO NOT LIE.... EVER. just tell him "i'm doing it too and if you don't like it you can give up all your partners too"
I did that. He did not want to give up his GF but wanted me to give up my "boy toy"
he left.
I married the "boy toy" and now we do not share. EVER.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2014):
 "extremely happy and healthy relationship" vs "he would freak as he is extremely jealous"
Does not compute.
Tell him you are ready to enjoy some casual sex of your own, as you are "very open and honest with eachother." I'm surprised that you're even here asking us as this is just an open and honest relationship, as you keep on describing it.
Something is off here, so just be honest and open about your feelings, if he can't accept your interest in having casual sex as well and freaks out and acts extremely jealous then this relationship clearly has been lopsided from the start.
This post actually comes off as resentful of his sexual freedom while yours is stifled by him, despite all the positive spin you're trying to put on it.
Definitely something amiss here. Good luck working it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 All of you are going to endup with STDs or worse(AIDs) if you coninue this ridiculous activity. What's fun and heart pounding for a while is not only going togive you mental grief(like you're having now) but will give you crotch rot in future years. What everhappened to just normal pairing up and staying that way?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 August 2014):
 I also agree with Sage here.
This is NOT an open relationship or "semi" open as you call it. This is a relationship where you partner can screw whomever and YOU accept it. So why is there a double standard here? Why can YOU not screw whomever too?
My guess is you two NEVER really had a clear an open discussion about this and about what boundaries you two HAVE within the relationship. If I'm right... isn't it about time?
Some people with "open" relationships try and avoid emotional connections with others (part from partner) others have no problem. However, VERY often when couples ADD more people to their relationship and their sex-life it's the beginning of the end. I have had 2 VERY long term couples in my circle of friend who ended up with divorces over "open" relationship drama. One was a 14 year marriage the other 12. But both couples had been together for a good 20 year all in all. And still.... The IDEA of an open relationship can sound good, can sound practical but in reality it RARELY works.
I'd go with Sage on his advice on this one.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 He is getting the most out of this semi-open relationship than you're getting and you're realizing that it isn't really as amazing as it once seemed. All of this seems a bit ridiculous to me because why should your partner get to call all the shots while he can do what he pleases with whom he pleases? Why would it be fine for him to get jealous when you want to have fun with someone else while he can have as much encounters as he wants with whomever he wants without worrying that you may get jealous? Seriously, you're getting the raw end of the deal. You've got to talk about this with your partner. That's all that you can do right now. The thing is, if you just go ahead with what you want to do with this other person then it WILL ruin your relationship with your partner because he gave you restrictions which he expects you to keep to so he will feel betrayed and jealous. If you talk to him about it, you may find that he may flat out order you not to do it, otherwise he may accept its something you want to do or he may question the entire relationship. These are possibilities to consider but either way you need to bring it up and talk about it because anything you can say will never be worse than doing it behind his back and him finding out later. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (14 August 2014):
 It would be cheating. What you haven't acknowledged here is that he persuaded/manipulated you into accepting his desires to cheat and make them okay in your relationship - as long as YOU don't have the same options to "stray". So, forget about the new guy permanently.
Truth is, you SHOULD leave him and stay single for a while because you need to learn independence romantically and emotionally since you've been in a "semi-open" relationship since you were children. Ultimately, he won't want to stop and he'll turn it into secret cheating, IF he decides to keep you around for mothering purposes. Please don't bring children into a non-monogomous family. FEW couples can make it work well, but they keep it COMPLETELY separate from family life and BOTH partake in it from the beginning. Neither of them can ever be jealous or selfish, like your partner is.
You won't last together - please don't end up bringing children into it and get your sexual health checked out; you really can't trust him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): You are gravitating away from your relationship; because it is founded completely on his terms. You just accepted them; you don't really believe in them. That and the fact you own joint-credit, and you are basically in a common-law marriage. You couldn't just walkaway if you wanted to.
Well you could, but not without legal complications.
You are curious to know what it is like to just have someone all to yourself? You might not even know this on a conscious-level; but in your subconscious-mind. You are yearning for monogamy. I think your nine-year contract is coming to an end.
The description "semi-open," as you put it, means allowing him to have sex with other women and men. While you accept it. Of course it's fine with you. The only alternative is to be cheated on. Knowing he is dead-set on having what he wants, regardless of your feelings. Don't bring children into this situation. I doubt your neighbors or families, would sit idle without reporting you to child protection authorities. Yours isn't a lifestyle offering an environment conducive to child-rearing. Random men and women in and out of your home. Subjecting them to who knows what? People who do this, aren't the typical everyday citizen.
Jealous? Did you say he is jealous?!!! In that case, it is not open. Restrictions do apply. It just so happens,they only apply to YOU!! "Semi" is your subtle way of saying, you really have no choice.
If this works for you, don't ask about cheating.
In open-relationships, there is no cheating; because there is no exclusive or monogamous commitment to the other partner. The only "cheating" would be in your case. Mainly because you have a different set of values, a conscience, and another definition of what a commitment is. You are submissive, or you're passively allowing your partner to set the conditions on how he will maintain a relationship with you. Against your own belief-system.
Yes, it would be cheating; according to your own personal set of values. If it was truly an "open-relationship," he wouldn't care. You want a man you don't have to share with anybody. He might want him too! That's what bothers you most about it. This may be your chance to escape, and it would be someone heterosexual, and you could set the conditions and your own terms. That's what you're yearning for above all else.
You would be cheating on your own sense of values. So, end this crap, and see whomever you please. Live your life according to your own needs and what makes you happy.
You've given him nine years, you've done your sentence.
If you were only 13 or 14 when you met, it's time you met someone else anyway.
Move on.
SageoldGuy1465 is absolutely right. This is totally ironic.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): Thanks so much for your advice :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): The agreement was that he dabbles but you don't. If you dabble secretly then yes, you are cheating. What also makes it worse is that you like this new guy. That's not casual sex. That's emotional. It could get messy. All relationships require trust and communication. Yours doubly so. Be open at all tes so that you can carry on happy and healthy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 August 2014):
 It's kind of ironic - and a little sad - that you could submit this question. Why?
Because you describe your's and B/F's as a "semi-open" relationship.... BUT, you know that the "semi" is your's and the "open" is his....
See.... he's had the arrangement that every guy dreams of..... a woman who will accommodate - and make excuses for - his dalliances.... whilest - at the same time - she is being true-blue... so he has no stress that YOU "belong" to him, and have (HAD!!!!) no intentions to stray...
NOW, you face the "litmus test". YOU want to have the experience(s) that HE has had, guilt- and risk-free.... and your conscience is getting the better of you...
My advice? Open up the discussion of your "semi-open" relationship.... tell partner that YOU want to partake of that "semi-openness".... and see where that leads....
I predict that partner will say something like, "Damn, pretty partner, our semi-open relationship USED TO BE "just so"... but now that YOU want to do so, I am having second thoughts"...
The end result will be either: A. You and he will discontinue the "semi-open" and have a REAL relationship, or, B. you and he will find that you are seeing different agendas... and your "relationship" can not abide the difference.....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, SnellPrincess +, writes (14 August 2014):
You can look at it two ways:
First: He's sleeping with other people so why can't you? He has no right to be jealous as you accept him sleeping with other people. It's just fun no different from what he's doing.
or
Secondly: You agreed that you would not sleep with anyone else so if you do this and don't tell him, you're going to have to lie to him and betray his trust.
It's really difficult hun, I would probably try and talk to him and see if you can get the same benefits as him. I don't really see why you shouldn't be able to have fun too..
...............................
|
