A
male
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*adbrit
writes:I am going round in circles and could do with some help as I do not know what to do. Sorry if I ramble in advance. Basically my girlfriend and I have been together three years and had the usual ups and downs in that time, possibly and probably more than we should of. When we fell out previously, we would patch it up, but it would happen again and again and I think she has lost faith that it can ever be right. She gave chances and I squandered them. I have looked inside very hard and in a nutshell think it came down to her valuing love, emotions, respect and touchy feely in a relationship above all else whereas I concentrated more on practical things.Through it all though, we had love – an amazing and strong love and passion and that is now gone it seems. We have been through so much and I have realised at long last giving love is more important than me cooking every night and paying the bills etc. Because I am now not getting the love and thirst to get it back, it made me at last realise that she was right and I was wrong. It is truly changed me and made me a better person. I would summarize it that before we had things in common sure, but life itself was not running smooth between us, we only had this powerful love and passion. Now we have everything else working and fixed for the long term but the powerful love and passion has decided to go away. Ironic really. We had what may be the one argument too many two months ago and cannot seem to get back on track. We now do things together, we hold hands, she still kisses me when I go out or before bed, says, “I love you too” after I say, “I love you”, we talk, we laugh, we don’t argue, I show my feelings, she used to annoy me which made me snap, I don’t anymore because I have priorities right at last and so never feel annoyed. I also do everything for her, cooking, take her out, buy silly little treats (drive 20 miles to get a KFC, or buy food she really likes etc). We seem like a good couple and she acts like we are a couple, but something it holding her back. We have at long last the relationship, respect, touchy feely etc relationship that she always wanted. One problem though – scratch beneath the surface and it is not good.These are the things she says when I try to talk about it or suggest Relate :-My feelings have changedMy feelings have goneI am scared because it has been good before than gone wrong againI am confusedI have lost that buzzI don’t know if I can get my feelings back Everything is improving except how I feelI just feel different about it nowIn short – we are together, and do things together, but she says her feeling have just gone, but also mentions a lot about it going wrong before. One other thing, that may be connected or may not is we had a baby at Christmas, and she loves him hugely of course. But it feels like all her love has gone to him. I have two older children and wasn’t sure if I wanted another so was not as supportive to her as I would be if she fell pregnant again. It took until he was a month old for me to actually bond and love him.My questions, my turmoil, the things that I do not understand and which prevents me calling it a day are these. Are the feeling gone totally or are they just very low. By giving the love and support she always wanted for permanent going to make them slowly come back? Can love come back, can it recover?Can you be at rock bottom but grow to one day be a couple on top of the world again?Is it possible that she has a cap on emotions – could it be that her lost faith and fear to it going wrong has kicked in a self preservation situation where she has shut up shop to prevent herself being hurt again and if so, can I lower the barriers?Is she hung up on the past so much that she cant see past it?Or has she simple fallen out of love and I need to accept it and move on. It is hard to know because saying feelings are gone suggest I need to accept it, but her other actions and the fact we are still together and she doesn’t push me away (unless I try to initiate sex) suggest there is something to build on
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reader, badbrit +, writes (4 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you aerial. I hope your situation continues to be good and i hope we go the same way. You have given me hope as I too think she feels that way, but like your husband i know i can make it work, and that we can work, if and big IF she has anything left inside for me. I think the hurt and fear of hurt is masking it all as it did for you and the time will heal her heart for me.
The most annoying thing for me is knowing that i am certain i have fixed my issues and ready to give all i need to give to make her happy and that is all i want, even if eventually it means letting go
I hope it doesnt come to that. It feels like she may have called time one time too early!! she is still here and we are getting on, so fingers crossed that she hasnt called time but her heart needs a lot of making up and proving.
I am hoping that i just need to earn her love this time, and cant let her down again,
A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (4 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAerial, thank you for the reply. I may have not explained this correctly.
i have 100% put my hands up, told her everything and why i did it. I have told her i have changed, i have cried, i have said i will do anything for her, i have said she is everything to me, i have said sorry, meant it, started giving the life she wanted - out for meals, weekend away, support, love, affection, been supportive.
I have two other children, and am a great dad. I have them to stay 30% of the time and am devoted to them. I have made it clear i love her, our boy, my girls, and that that is my life.
She says or did say, that it was maybe too late cos what has gone on has changed her feelings - but, she is still here and acts normal, but is holding back. Maybe she is like i said, put this emotional barrier up and it is putting all her emotions in a box and not letting them out. When she let them out before, they ended up hurting her. I am sincere and know i will not let her or my family down again and am prepared to let time show that, i just wish i knew if this was love gone, or love being held in.
Thanks again for replies so far.
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (4 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replies. I appreciate it. The baby is a change for us but i dont think we are exhausted, he is a very good baby who never cries, moans or gets us up in night.
This is so hard, i just cannot work out if she really has had enough or not. Like i said, she says she is confused and feelings have gone/changed, but then acts totally like a normal couple. Puts feet on my lap, asks for a foot massage, talks normal, laughs, jokes, kisses me good night, says "i love you too" when i say "i love you". Like i say, it is confusing for me as i am trying to not believe it is the end. It doesnt feel like the end, it feels like we have a huge problem with how she feels but can maybe work through it.
You women reading this, what do you think. Can a hurt love recover? My feeling is that she thinks everything inside is gone, but it hasnt. It is more of case of been hurt before, by me, and now has no faith.
I dont know, but if your feelings are dead, you dont hold hands, kiss, get on etc so well surely.
Although, sex is a real no no at the moment. If i try anything, being romantic, some porn, stroking her back etc and then try going to the next level, it is totally off limits. I dont try often, maybe three or four times in this bad two months. Normally i give affection will expectation of something back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): It sounds like there are so many things going on for you guys at the moment I think a baby probably shuffles things around and make you reassess things. I would be patient. I would try not to freak out. So your baby is quite young. You're probably both exhausted. Maybe you need to have some fun. Go somewhere together for a few days. Maybe daily drudgeree has set in but really there is probably alot of deep love there. My friend just had a baby and is trying a trial seperation for 3 months with her partner. Just living apart for a while. They are hoping that will clear there heads a bit. Maybe you guys could do that? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (4 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat i need to clarify is that she seems very confused and has been given opportunites to end the relationship but doesnt. She acts like we are totally a couple but beneath the surface it is a mess and i wonder if it has something to do with birth of the baby. I dont mean post natal depression, cos it seems focused on her feelings to me rather than general feelings.
I dont want to give up on something that actually is so good or at least potentially is. We have been through a lot, we have a child together and are good together, i just dont know if she has reached end of her tether or has put a cap on things due to lack of faith.
I feel the lack of faith is clouding every other feeling and if i can just draw the cloud back a little, we can build on the rest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): Phorah. I think you need to listen to what she is saying!
Stop *trying* to understand and *listen*.
The only way this relationship will work if she is coming at this from the same perspective as you, she clearly isn't.
Find a new love, one where you don't have all this emotional baggage and pain.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (4 July 2006):
hi i feel for you i am in the same position it is hard very hard, have you been given the line " i love you but im not IN LOVE with you yet?" i wish i had all the answers, my ex still says she cant forget the past and that she thinks things would go back to the way they used to be etc.. they just dont understand that sometimes something this big can change someone into a better person. Ok anyway as for you dilema, i think you should not do too much like going 20 miles to get her food, because i think thats trying too hard and trust me i have been there, try instead to sometimes have your own space, dont always be this nice, always be nice but soetimes say no show here your not at her beck and call it just takes time you have to show her your a better person and even though you are just by telling her she wont believe you, as long as there is no-one else i think its worth fighting for but you have to set a point where if you get too you have to call it a day. its hard with kids i know i lost my 2 girls but you cant make someone have feelings they dont have for you if that makes sense. i really hope it works out for you and you both rekindle your love. hope i have been some help.
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