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Can there be love without trust??

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 September 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2010)
A male Malaysia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Can there be love without trust?

I keep believing there can be, but I am having my doubts and I need your advice. I need opinions so I can have options to choose from.

Sorry, but this is going to be a long post. If you have the patience, do read on... or just give me your opinion in my question above. Thanks!

You see, I am in a long term relationship (5 years) with my gf, but up to know she hardly trust me. She is very jealous of every woman I associate with, and often give malicious meanings to every thing I associate with the opposite gender. This is especially the case when it comes to my ex.

Before her, I was also in a long term relationship with my 1st gf. I met her when I was still with my ex, and her with hers but we gave up our exes to be together.

The thing is, her ex never new I existed as they were in a long distant relationship. So when they broke up, he didn't know I was in the picture. In my case, I told my ex, which was a bitter blow for her. You see, my ex thought we were going on OK, we had no problems before... so it was very devastating for her. Anyway, I broke up with her even if I felt guilty for blindsiding her.

My ex became friends with my siblings, and remained so even after we moved on. This is something my gf cannot understand and sometime suggest that I should prevent it. I keep saying that I cannot control other people, and this is often the cause of our quarrels. My gf insist that I am seeing my ex, even though I don't. I haven't even spoken to her aside from the casual hi and hello when we bump to each other since we broke up. But she doesn't believe me.

My ex is married now and I hear she's doing ok. But this doesn't improve my situation with my gf. Sometimes she comes up with this ridiculous conspiracy regarding me and my ex. Like when I got a job on this place where my ex was at, or that some of my friends back from college are friends with my ex... It gets very tiring trying to explain to her that she is the only woman for me and that I have no-one else.

I love my gf very much and have contemplated on taking the next step. But now I am doubting if I can live like this for the rest of my life.

Looking back, this is the only thing we argue about. 5 years of the same old shit. Pardon the language. Well, you can say we have another subject to argue about... This happened when I got a job abroad. We decided that I get it, and that she will follow me after a few months. So when I got there, I rented a place with some other people, a lesbian couple and a guy.

Now when my gf was able to come with me a few months later, our lesbian housemates broke up. Now my gf is suggesting that I had something to do with it. I'm like, WTF! And then the viscous cycle of me defending myself and proving I haven't had anything to do with it... All this quarelling is getting so tiresome.

I love my girl so much... I am willing to die for her, do anything for her happiness. But I seem incapable. She is the 2nd woman in my life, I was number 13 for her. I have been faithful to her up to now, yet I can't seem to prove it to her. Or she refuses to believe me.

I have gone out of my way just to prove my love and faithfulness to her, to no avail. I seeked God and try to strengthen my faith. Now, I don't know if it is worth the effort being with her.

I love her, but logic seems to dictate that I should move on from her... but I know I will not be happy with out her. So I am torn...

I don't know if this has any bearing to her emotional and mental state, but she came from a broken family. Her Mom and Dad separated when she was young. She said she had problem trusting people from then on.

What more can I do to gain her trust should I decide to stay with her? Or should I just leave her and start anew? Would that make me a weak person?

View related questions: broke up, her ex, jealous, lesbian, move on, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

I am in a similar relationship. Ive been engaged to my bf for awhile now. Weve been dating for almost 2 years. In the beginning, he cheated on me and we broke up but i forgave him and took him back. I really love him and am beginning to trust him but he does not trust me whatsoever. Just like your gf, he acuses me all the time and doesnt like me to go places without him if their are other people there. But i know he loves me and i love him. Im misserable without him but right now, im always feeling guilty about going places he doesnt want me too. Ive never givin him a reason not to trust me, but he still thinks ill cheat on him. I dont know what to do. But i think im going to break it to him slowly that he should trust me more because we cant live our lives without trust. You could try that. Telling her. If things improve, good for you. If not, once you get to that next step, things might run there own course. I doubt shell be untrusting for much longer than she is. I know people can change. And, to be literal, there can be love without trust. It just isnt as strong as love with trust. I hope that helps :/ Good Luck.

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A female reader, Lovely Sweet Laura Canada +, writes (29 June 2009):

Lovely Sweet Laura agony auntSounds like your girlfriend is a bit insecure. It likely does have a lot to do with the fact that you were with another when the two of you met. She knows that there is a chance you may be with someone else while the two of you are still an item. Regardless, you should be able to resolve this if you can instill in her the belief that you only want her. Don't become defensive anytime she begins accusing you. Not that you shouldn't feel the need to defend yourself but it doesn't seem to improve the insecurities she is suffering from. Try to ask her what makes her believe that you could ever do such a thing? Not in an angry but a concerned fashion, keep expressing your love and concern for her feelings. Ask her if there is anything other than her own insecurities that are contributing to the thoughts she is having. Ask if there is anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable. Be predictable. This is a major one. If she can tell what your every move and behavior is apt to be she is less likely to believe you would deter from that. Best of Luck I know what it feels like to be uncertain and it is not a very fun way to live. Being supportive and trying your best to help-just showing that you are willing to do so without getting frustrated-will certainly help her. take care

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A male reader, jdb5280 United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

You would be foolish to think she will ever change. You need to get out of this relationship and fast. Since you have only been with one other person it is still really diffucult to let go of someone you have invested so much into.

What you will learn when you move on is that it will hurt more than anything else could. But then you will get over it and meet some amazing girl and be so happy you didn't stay in a relationship where she is relentlessly riding your ass. That is no way to live your life.

You will probably meet some great girl and then get your heart broken again. YOu will then probably repeat this a few more times before you meet the one. It gets a little easier each time but it gives you the chance to learn what you like and don't like and what faults you are willing to live with. It sounds to me like you have one very insecure girl and that will never ever change no matter what. Move on and don't look back.

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A female reader, Cateyes United States +, writes (5 September 2007):

Cateyes agony auntI think the bottom line here is that being that she herself came from a broken home AND that she to met you while being with someone (as well as you mind you) bothers her daily, if not by the minute that this is going to happen again. Why? Because you BOTH did it. As far as the ex is concerned, she herself does feel guilty - your girlfriend, because she probably is not as close to your family as the other because they probably know how you to met, etc. That can not be changed, but what can happen is to handle it with direct communication between the two of you and expressing to her is this what she is feeling and asking her, what will make her happy, what will prove to her that she is the only one. Maybe have her get more involved with your family? You do sound as if you do love her with all your heart, but she to needs to understand that you love her, and her only. I will say this, in any of your talkings, you must let her know that you do not want it to be arguementive, or upsetting, but that you want to accomplish an understanding that is mutual between the both of you.

The sad thing is, once someone has met someone this way, it is hard to trust...just because.

However, I do not rule it out that things cannot go in a positive way IF there is understanding and total communication of understanding, but it must be on both in order for it to happen.

Best of Luck to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

1. If she has underlying trust issues, there is little you will be able to do to change that... depending on how serious her trust issues are, you may always be running into this problem because it's not about you, it's about her and her perceptions - which you can't change because how she sees a certain situation may be very different to the way you see it or the way it actually is.

If this is the case, encourage her to go to counselling or go together so you can work on that together.

2. If there is anything that you are doing that is giving her doubts, you need to address that.

Most women aren't irrational, crazy beings - but we do know when something doesn't feel right... and the biggest red flag for us is when we don't feel like we're number1 anymore.

Are you treating her like she's number 1? Little things make the difference --- each and every day you can make her feel like she is the most important thing in your life by getting one simple principle into your head: let her know you're thinking about her and want to make her happy!

Doing little loving things for her will help achieve this... examples: sending a text message telling her you love her, buy her flowers for no reason, take her out on a date one night for no reason (just to enjoy her company over a lovely dinner), go for a walk together or a drive to the beach, pick up her favourite chocolate at the petrol station when you next fill up; write her a romantic note and leave it somewhere you know she'll find it during the day, give her a massage when you know she's had a bad day or got a stressful day coming up.... basically just think of one thing that will make her smile that day and try it.

Perhaps talk to her before you start doing any of this so that she doesn't feel like you're doing it out of a guilty conscience... explain that you feel like she doesn't trust you and that maybe you have been taking her for granted and not making her feel truly loved, appreciated and the number1 priority and that you want to start making an effort to remedy that.

Ask her for what you'd like -- i.e. her trust -- and that you know it'll be a long process but you're willing to work through it because you love her so much.

I hope this has been of some help, and I wish you all the best!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Could you print out your question and show it to her - it says all that you can say honestly - at least if she could read this she has been given your point of view - maybe she could reply in writing to your question - then the suggestion for counselling is very good - it is so sad that here is one guy who is faithful and his gf does not trust him.... Sounds like she has a deep seated problem but if you love her as much as you say you can work on it to sort it out - have you ever tried to get help from a third party with the problem? There are other web sites with guidance on relationship problems - it really does sound as if yours is worth the effort of working on till you sort it out - she is jealous without reason - if she wasnt you'd both be happier - it is such a waste of potential happier lives - there has to be a constructive way to sort it out..as you have tried for so long it seems like you need outside help.. good luck.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

Her parents splitting undoubtedly has a bearing on her trusting people. Thats my opinion anyway.

You need to go with her to couple counselling. If its worth sorting anyway.

You will keep trying to prove your worthy and its not going to make a blind bit of difference.

As for your question about is there love without trust? Yes there is love, i think plenty of people love people they dont trust, but it is doomed in the long run if it doesnt get sorted. Because of the reasons i said above. I tried it with someone for nearly 2 years, and because they had been cheated on in the past, they werent going to trust anyone, but i would certainly of never cheated on them.

If people could read minds it would be brilliant!

Good luck.

C xxxxx

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