A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can some men be interested in just being nice and your friend? I know a man from work and have became good friends with him over the past few months, he has also helped me out around the house. I have just moved into my first house myself, he helps with repairs, painting ect. My mum has issues with him though and keeps saying," he just wants in my pants" which I don't believe as he is married and 20 years older than myself. What I want to know is what others thought? He has been in my house a dozen times with just me and him and didn't do anything than the job he came for or just chat. Surely if my mum was right he would have taken any they occasions to tell me what he wanted? Possible he just wants to be my friend?
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015):
He is spending time with a pretty young girl. There is definitely a motivation there. On the other hand, he might have some self-control. Still, don't lead him on. Back way off and time will tell if he's a friend or not.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 February 2015):
 Personally, I would gradually decline spending time with him. I would also extend my social circle to people your OWN age.
Just be polite and professional at work.
Does he have kids? I was actually thinking that it COULD be "empty nest" thing - if his kids are all off to college and their own lives, maybe he is just lonely - maybe he misses being the guy who "fixes" thing, you know.. DAD.
Still, I find it a little odd that the wife (according to him) is so adamant in not wanting to be social. I am pretty sure MOST wives would want to meet whomever their husband is spending that much time with.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 February 2015):
I've worked the night shift for quite a while and especially then it's really important to have social contacts. I'd go to bed at 8am and wake up in the afternoon, so I'd still have time left to meet up with people, have dinner, etc. I don't believe all this woman will want to do is sleep the day away only to go to work afterwards. The fact he seemed annoyed at you asking also raises red flags.
Look, in general, when people go out of their way to help someone they don't know well, there's an ulterior motive. Guys can be friends with women; I have several guy friends. But this situation doesn't read like that. In fact, it sounds quite a bit like the situation I found myself in a few years back:
A man, also 20 years my senior, started helping me out. I befriended him at sports and there was no flirting. Or so I thought anyway. In the end he tried to use the fact he helped me out as a way to coerce me into sleeping with him. It took me months to get rid of him. Worse, he knew where I lived so I had to change locks and everything to just feel safe.
So DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT feel guilty about all the stuff he's done for you. HE chose to do that, you didn't make him. Therefore you do not owe him anything! Please always remember this, no matter what happens.
I think slowly withdrawing contact, like you yourself already suggested, would be best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): Hi I posted this question:
Thank you to all posters for your advice.
I mentioned his wife to him and he told me she is a nurse and works nightshift, wouldn't be interested in anything social as she needs her sleep when she gets home.
I could tell he was annoyed I asked and didn't want to discuss it any further. So I left it there.
It explains why he has so much time to help me I guess of his wife is always working at night or sleeping.
I don't want to appear ungrateful for all his help and if I did question him any further it could also make things awarked at work.
I think, I need to leave things as they are then gradually decline his help outside work but stay friendly enough?/
If that makes sense?
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 honepie is wise and you should give her second read.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): I don't know why everyone said that it's possible to have platonic relationship with a guy, in my experience : NO, it's not possible.
I am in my 40s so I went through quite a bit of stages with age changing, and honestly, the platonic friendship I have only with my girfriend's husbands. And half of them hitted on me at one point.
I don't think men have that interest with women as they have with men anyway. And believe me they are not going to do anything for you unless there is an agenda, and that agenda is always sex.
Your mom is 100% right, he wants to get in your pants. and what's the story with him helping you around the hOuse? Does his wife knows? If she doesn't know, it's highly innapropriate, and needs to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2015):
The dinner idea is PRETTY good way for YOU to gauge what he really thinks.
It is very possible to have male friends. When these males a married OR in a relationship it is ALWAYS wise to get to know the partner/wife.
Personally, I wouldn't be too excited if my husband ran around with someone 20 year younger woman, playing handyman and best buddy. Especially if I had never met her. My biggest reason? My husband isn't handy at all, so obviously he would be going out of his way for someone else... that means.. there is an ulterior motive.
Just because he hasn't tried anything yet, doesn't mean he isn't thinking it or just biding his time.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 February 2015):
 I like SVC's idea. Tell him you want to make he and his wife a really nice dinner to thank him for all his help. You'll be able to tell what his true motives are from his response to that invitation. Let us know, I'm curious.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Are you friends with his wife? Does she know where he is when he's with you fixing your things.
It's possible he's just a good guy...
But if he is friends with you and his wife is not mentioned and she does not know where he is or about you OFFER to invite them BOTH For dinner to thank them for his help and see how he reacts... IF he's FINE with having his wife there then probably his help is just a nice guy.. if he says ANYTHING to indicate that he wants to keep his WIFE out of the situation then NO he's not being a nice guy but rather I agree with the others)
My take on men and women being friends....
I'm married
my male friends are all either happily married or openly gay... it just seems to work out that way....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 I agree with the others. While in general it is surely possible that a man and a woman are just friends, in this particular situation I feel that your Mom is super-right and you should listen to her.
It sounds to me like he is sort of grooming you, and biding his time until you get comfortable with him. What with being 20 years older and married and all, he knows that if he had just tried pouncing on you at once :) or anyway being too blunt and forward , most probably he would have gotten a "Heck no !" ( if not a kick in his balls ) . Instead if he gets into the role of Mr. NiceGuy, the good friend and reliable handyman, who knows.At least that's what he thinks, probably.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Men can want platonic friendships; I've had one of those friendships, but it was made null and void when he chose new girlfriend after new girlfriend, over our friendship, who all helped him screw up his life - unimportant; I digress :PPoint being, it CAN be platonic unless he doesn't mention his wife, uses you as escapism (as in doesn't tell her about you), doesn't invite you for dinner with his family, etc. I think you should invite him and his wife over for coffee to thank him and show her the great work that he's been doing and that you're grateful she's been lending him to your place. If he refuses to tell her or invite her (or comes up with a crappy excuse - don't let up until she can come over!) you need to accept that your mum is probably right and you need to thank him for what he's done but send him on his way.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): A man can just be a friend. I don't think that this is the case.
Your mum is right. How do you think his wife would feel about him spending so much time and energy alone with a single-woman? Yes, a man will go to any length to patiently build your confidence and trust to get into your panties.
The question is, how long before your appreciation for his time and attention turns to affection? Why doesn't he invite you to dinner to meet his wife and family?
I think you both should maintain a professional-distance; and you should respect the fact he is a married-man, even if he doesn't seem to. If you've never met his wife, there is a reason for that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): It's a good idea to find out what he's like with other people? It's a shame but in all my experiences they always want something more. He could of just not made advances on you because he is apprehensive about doing so due to age, marriage, your reaction etc, so just likes to spend time with you. Lets not generalise, there are nice people out there and he could just be one of them. The truth is, we will never know what's going on in someone's head. I wouldn't suggest you ask him as you might offend him, lose a friend or it will just be awkward if he does want more. Just decide if you carry on being friends and live with the fact he may fancy you, or decide to not be friends if your concerned about motives.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): Sure. A man can be nice and be friends with a girl. But even so, because of the nature of men, something more than that probably crosses his mind. It doesn't mean he is going to act on it. Because men can in fact be friends with girls. And the fact that he thinks you are nice and probably finds you pretty and enjoys being around you may be a large part of why he is your friend. But he behaves like a gentleman, he is helpful, and has been nothing but a friend to you. So, that's what matters.
As long as his wife is cool with it. Is she?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): In general-it is possible.
In this situation-I'm with your mum.
Love,
The Nonny
...............................
|
