A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm going nowhere in life. I contrast the way things are now with the dreams I had as a young girl and I feel like a pathetic drip. I thought I was going to do amazing things in the world and leave a legacy but all I've done is fail at life and I'm terrified of the person I've become. I never dreamed I'd be in my state, unemployed again, overweight and getting stood up on Tinder dates or get laid off from my crappy job. I feel like I'm stuck in someone else's nightmare. I thought I'd be famous or write a book, play in a band or just be a veterinarian. I'm terrified of this person I've become and miss who I used to be, the girl with the joyful gleam of anticipation in her eyes and a heart full of dreams. Never in my worst nightmares did I think I'd fail at life like this, but I feel like I'm cursed with failure. For example my mom says to apply for unemployment and I feel so pathetic... no one famous or powerful was ever in my shoes.Are there people who are wildly successful now who were once failures, who, like me, were at bottom? Or is this just a harbinger of a lifetime of failure that will follow me to the grave? Looking out at the grey sky glaring at my wasteland, hope seems like a mythical creature. I'm not smart enough, I'm not destined to, etc.
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female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (5 September 2016):
I think God has a plan for each of us (or as you put it-destiny) but the difference is we have free will (ultimately we ourselves determine our future by the actions we take). If you believe in something other than yourself (I believe there's a God watching over me), having that faith will give you strength to make choices in life. Again. Don't stop trying. Admitting your weakness, that you need help is NOT a sign of weakness. It takes character. You can return the favor of getting unemployment by getting a job that will lead you to your dreams. You don't need to start up there, start at the bottom if you have to and work your way up.Simply put, I think you should ask yourself instead: Do you choose to do nothing (live your life as it happens to you) OR do you choose to do something (which may cause a ripple in the quiet world that you know). Those are the choices in your life. Experience will teach you how you want to live now. Learn from your past, figure out what you want in life as your future goal (for yourself not for other's acknowledgment) and take action now. Again, dont be discouraged if it's hard at first because I promise you the good things you is expect is nothing compared to the great things God has promised for you. True story: A person got laid off from a top 50 US company (not for underperformance but a business decision) in the same year her mom got stage 4 cancer. Since then, she decided to move to a new country w/ $100 on her with no prospect of a job. She found a job related to her career. It's not her dream job but its a start. She kept switching jobs to figure out what she's good at and what she really wants to do in her life. At present, she found a job that she loves to do with the pay she needs to enjoy life and new people to have a connection with. It took 5-6 years to get there but she did it because she realized there's nothing to lose by trying. And she's so much happier now than if she had stayed at that same job which was starting to drag her life around anyways.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2016): Hi, it's me... the original poster.
First of all, I'm surprised how many people responded, but it's heartening. I just wanted to say thank you.
I suppose I should clarify one thing... I don't want fame just for the sake of being famous. It's just that I'm contrasting how I had this expectation of a high extent of success in life, with how things turned out.
This underlying fear I have is this... is what we achieve in life determined by a destiny, or do we determine our future through our actions? I have always wondered.
Thanks for taking the time to write me back, once again.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 August 2016):
My grandma once told me that the person who has the following three things in line, is the happiest:
1: the perception that others have of them
2: the perception they have of themselves
3: the perception they have of who they want to be.
If you get these three to be close together, you're pretty much set. Which is why it's obvious why you're miserable now.
The distance between who you believe you should be and how you think you are now is the size of the grand canyon. To bridge that gap, you have to start by really looking at your dreams and identifying which ones are real.
And by that I mean, is being famous something you really want, or is it just appreciation you crave. The latter is attainable, the former is very very hard. Same goes for playing in a band. Are you in love with making music or the idea of you making music and the fame that goes with it? The two differ.
Do you want to be a veterinarian or is the social- and financial status associated with that job something that attracts you because your last job didn't tick those boxes?
You're going to have to be really honest with yourself about why you want the things you want. And then you can work on achieving your goals.
Okay, so now you've written down some things, let's start with your health
You're overweight and unhappy about it.
- So step one, invest in better food. Here's my guide for weight loss. Every meal should have a palm sized amount of carbs, a fist size amount of protein, a cupped hand size amount of vegetables and one thumb sized amount of fat (6 grams). Eat 3 to max 4 meals a day using this rule. To make it less easy to cheat, prep your lunches before hand so they're easily accessible. Also cut out sugar and alcohol. Drink mostly water. You can have one cheat day a week, but do not go overboard.
- Step 2: exercise. The best way to kick your ass in gear is paying for a gym membership with group lessons so someone tells you what to do and makes you do it when you're there. Cycle/walk when you're running small errands.
-Step 3: be consistent. Consistency builds habits and habits will help you take control of your life again.
As for your other goals, no more excuses. If you want to play in a band, get your instrument, get lessons and practice until you feel you're on the level and then just search around for bands. Even if it's just as a back-up.
If you want to be a veterinarian, look up the cost for the study and see if you can combine it with a parttime job.
If you want to be appreciated more, start by appreciating others first. Genuinely care about the people around you and make an effort for them. It will pay off.
Etc.
If just reading this post makes you never want to lift your head off the bed again from exhaustion, make a doctor's appointment and talk about the possibility of you being depressed and get help for it. I've been depressed myself and just getting up and taking a shower was a victory for me on any given day.
In any case, you're not too late, but you will be some day if you don't change something.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 you have a lot of things to be thankful for, turn on the news and look at the children being bombed out of their homes with no family to care for them, now to me that is bad times. You are unemployed but you still have a roof over your head, better than a lot of people, I think firstly you need to change your attitude and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get up and start living your life, you need to make your life a good one, not everything will be handed on a plate. If you are down about your weight then do something about it, seek help. If Tinder is not working out then get fit and healthy and check what other options are out there for you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (23 August 2016):
How good or bad your life turns out is 100% up to you. There is no such thing as bad luck, there is only bad decisions.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 August 2016):
 You life WILL BE as good - or as bad - as YOU want it to be.... AND are willing to work toward the desired results.
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (22 August 2016):
You sound just like me but you know what, I finally took the courage to take a risk and get out of my comfort zone so I could give myself a "chance" to find happiness again. And taking that risk already made me feel better about myself. After taking a stand, just stick to it until you've given your best. Don't worry about the result. If it didn't work out, then it mustn't be the right fit for you, but by then you've learned things you didn't know before because YOU TRIED. If it did work out to what you had hoped, then don't waste that opportunity, keep giving it your best.People handle things two ways. Either one can make you happy again but it is up to YOU to understand what kind of person you really are inside. A) people who take the easy path or follow what's the status quo at that point in life and they're content with that B) people who needs a challenge to feel alive, people who takes risk but there's a lot more to lose. It's all about having faith. Either way you won't know what the future brings. Another thought to consider when you're at a crossroads in your life, which I think you are: Easy or difficult path, there's a risk involve. But people who "fail" choosing a difficult path generally has "no regrets" for having "tried" but didn't get their desired results. Whereas people who "fail" choosing the easy path generally will think "what if". Your life isn't over until you give up. I decided I dont care if I'm "chunky" because I LIKE my chunkiness. I decided I want to dress nicer because I LIKE to look nice. I decided I want to go after my HS dream because I just want to at least TRY and I am. No one else can change our lives but ourselves. You HAVE to remember that girl you loved yourself and AIM to be that girl again, BELIEVE that you can be that AND more (because all your new experiences help develop your thinking to be a BETTER person). Believe that God gives us trials so we can shape ourselves to be the best person were meant to be. These are all clues in figuring who/what that is. But don't be discouraged by comparing yourself against successes of others because they too are going through things, maybe not in the exact same way, but they too have struggles to overcome that you don't know. A friend of mine who looks always happy on fb, seems to have a perfect life: Pretty, sexy, big house, career growing, loving husband is actually suffering from depression too because. of her marriage. But there's no shame in that, the important thing is you acknowledge that you need help or have something to improve and you CHOOSE to change your life for the better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): I thnk the best way to start off is by losing weight.. As this is the first thing that will make you start feeling good about yourself.. After that start looking for a job. You dont need to change the world or do something brilliant. Just get a decent job, and lose weight. After that once you are settled you will start to have ideas about doing different things like write a book.
G luck !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): Of course you can. Judging from your post clearly you are a talented person and certainly you can write and express yourself. I think the cause of your depression is being over weight. I think you have fallen into a vicious circle by drawning your depression by eating. I think the root of your problem is being overweight. so first think you must do diet so you can regain your former weight. Luckily you are still young and in the beginning of your life but the secret is you have to set goals and dates and make plans to achieve them. You can not be successful if you leave it what the future may deliver. Ofcourse most of the important people and celebrties have had to do mediocre works before hitting success. See how many famous actresses had to work as waitresses or pose nude for photographers before they were famous. Have faith in your abilities and can still do it. Also we have some great aunts here who can give great advices. listen to what they say. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): Life rarely turns out the way we imagined. Usually we start to notice this around 30-40. This is just a PHASE. If you start working on yourself, investing time and energy things will get better. I am speaking from experience.If you are otherwise in good health there are plenty of things you can do.Start with the things you can control and see first results - wight. Watch what you eat (vegetables, fruit, eggs, fish... no processed carbohydrates, well you know what to do ;) and move! Walking is free and does not require special equipment. Swimming is great but you have to pay to go to a pool.If you can afford it see a therapist (cognitive therapy). If not read. There are plenty of self-help books.Also, have you seen your doctor and a psychiatrist? Maybe your current state is caused by depression and can be medically treated at the beginning. But meds can only get you so far. You need to change the way you think.Stop setting impossible goals for yourself. Forget about perfection. DO what you can. Set REALISTIC goals. Don't look for models among rich and famous. Look around you. I am sure there are many people who struggle and yet manage to lead fulfilling lives.You can always find stories of famous people who were poor, depressed and found rainbow at the end of their road (rope ;). J. K. Rowling being one of them. But they are minority!Start volunteering somewhere. Learn new skills or improve the ones you have... Spend time with people who are positive and inspirational. Whenever a negative thought pops up in your head, realize it's JUST a thought let it pass and focus on positive. Be proactive, set goals, make plans and start working.It is possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016): I'm struck by how brilliantly you write. You sound very intelligent. I too am intelligent and didn't find what I wanted to do in life until I was 50. Neither did I earn enough money. But never once did I dwell on these things nor did it occur to me to do so. I just enjoyed life. I love to walk, I love crafts and colours, beautiful things, going to auctions, I've danced many nights a week for fifteen years and I'm happy and singing when I leave having had a good laugh and some exercise that I love. I guess happiness must boil down to our interpretation of it. Success being different things to different people. I feel a success most days because I'm generally happy, I like to try and bring a smile and sometimes a hug to the old people I work with. I love my life and never once have I measured my life in the way you do yours. What is success to you? Does it mean achieving something to impress other people? Plenty of people who have achieved great things had humble beginnings and bad luck and negative periods in their lives. It was how they dealt with them that was important. Read biographies of people that you admire. I bet it wasn't all plain sailing.It also sounds like you may have depression. Have you had this checked by a doctor? Or try counselling or talking to a life coach, someone who can inspire you to make small changes, maybe lose some weight by getting some exercise, something you enjoy. It's sad to hear someone who is obviously very intelligent, with so much potential, dwelling on negatives. Hope you find some inspiration, but I would start with your doctor re depression. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016): Life owes you nothing. Be glad you have aroof, access to the internet and the abulity to live for another day and leave it at that because there are people out there who don't have any of that.No one is going to give you these things.You want a good career as a writer, then write something and have it published ir pyblish it yourself as countless others have done.You want a job that doesn't suck... then stop applying for jobs you hate and look at what study you need to do or who you need to talk to to get into that area.You want to lose weight? Pick weight goal and then an exercise and diet regime and stick to it.Put your money where your mouth is.Above all, learn to find some happiness in yourself as fame, fortune and riches won't make you happy if you are not already. They can make life easier. That is it.Why do you think so many wealthy and famous people have serious mental health issues and that less wealthy people report as happier?And remember... no matter what expensive toys you happen to obtain, how much fame is money you make, you will end up in the exact place as someone who has nothing in the end and can't take all the trivial with you.So make the life you want. Do the courses. Write a novel. Get a gym membership and use it, whatever it is. It's up to you. No one is gonna do it for you. People have their own problems to deal with, without taking on yours as well.
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A
female
reader, princess precious  +, writes (21 August 2016):
 hey dont worry almost everyone will have times in their lifes were the feel like giving up on themselves but dont because this could be the start of something brilliant so get up go to the gymn if you whant to lose some weight tidy yourself up and get yourself a good job that you know you will do good at dont get a job just because the payment is bigger get it because you will like it more
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 August 2016):
 Change things. New job. New hobby. New habits. New life. You have ambitions, you just need the drive to go for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016): Stop dreaming of what could be and actively make steps to achieve things. Want to work with animals? Go volunteer in an animal shelter and look for training courses and jobs on that sector. Apply in the meantime for any job just to get some more money in so you can actually live a life. Want to write a book? Take an evening or online course in creative writing and start writing things down - one day you could build on your ideas. Life gets us into ruts - but the only person who can change anything is ourselves. You have the power within you to be happy, you just have to chose to be happy and focus on the blessings of each day. Chasing fame is an unwise path, instead focus on you. What makes you happy and what gives you fulfilment and work towards making your living from what makes you happy.
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