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Can I trust my girlfriend after she's lied to me?

Tagged as: Cheating, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 June 2008) 15 Answers - (Newest, 24 April 2011)
A male Australia age 30-35, *nz writes:

Ok, I want to ask for outside opinions of whether I should trust my girlfriend. Sorry for the length, but it's necessary to explain.

We've been together for 2'ish years now, although we do not live together. One night, we were both at our respective homes, I was doing study for uni, and we were talking on msn from time to time. Her brother and some of his friends were round at her house, and were having a few drinks etc. She talked to me from time to time on msn, and eventually it got lateish, and we said goodnight to each other. No drama.

A week later, we're going to the movies, she gets a txt from one of the guys that was there (I only found out that he was there later), let's call him S, saying "hey what u up to 2nite?" She says it's just a friend who's back in town after being overseas for a couple of years. Ok, no problem with that.

Fastforward another week, and I discover what actually happened that night, was that she drank a bottle of wine, and then went to some bar with the group of people that were there (S included) once she'd said goodnight to me. When I found out, I and my girlfriend were pretty upset, and she claimed she got very drunk and in the end had to go home and throw up. I asked how she got home: she got a ride from S.

Now, like I imagine anyone would be, my trust in her was pretty shaken, and I told her as much. If it happened again, I wasn't going to stick around. But eventually we got past this, and things were ok.

Fastforward a few more months, and I discover S is in fact not a friend, but someone she's slept with in the past. Now, I struggle with knowing what to think. I'm haunted by the question 'Did she cheat on me?'(I know for a fact she has cheated in past relationships.) How can I trust her again? Should I trust her again?

Any opinions from outside the situation would be very valuable.

View related questions: drunk, msn

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A male reader, orlando777 Dominican Republic +, writes (24 April 2011):

well.. man you already know the answer.you know that she is a woman that you cant trust, she has lied to you several times. when you cross the line the first time, it turns really easy to continue. that why i always tell me girlfriend the day i stopped believeng you, until there we´ll get. imagine, living with a person that you know has lied to you, like 3 or 4 times. so you wont have peace. ,my opinion is is leave her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011):

didnt know that many men actually seeked advice for things like this...

With all resspect to both, my opinion based on experience is that once it happens it might just happen again. If she cant respect herself, she might not respect her partner.

I've been with my girl for 5 ish years. I was in a situation where i felt something was wrong turns out i did the research and there it was. confronted her, broke up, forgave, and back to normal. this happened 4 times and each time it got worse. my feeling were strong but my trust got weak. its a really confusing progress but it really depends on the nature. To me, talking to someone is not as bad as sleeping with them and most people agree. why, because words are words but sleeping with someone is more of an intimate thing.

in summary, unless you are married or have a child, (witch in your case i dont think it applies) you should really consider your options and seek whats out there because, how would she feel if you did it to her?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010):

well, first you have to get her to tell the truth.

my girlfriend lied to me for 4 months, and during the start of the charade, I knew something was wrong with the way she behaved towards me.

we had a huge row over nothing, then went out for dinner, she then told me she fancied another guy at her college "a little bit", and ended the horrid conversation saying she kissed another girl.

after this, I told her it was over. she then retracted her claim of fancying someone else, saying she made it up so we could break up. then persisted in trying to get back together.

our relationship was alright for a month or so, then she started to get all weird again after the new year.

week in, week out, we'd have some row over nothing, it felt like the guilt was being reflected onto me (I was a bit of a Saint, not cheating and always kept the moral high ground), around a month ago we went for a Valentines trip away.

everything was cool beforehand, she made out she was really excited about going. 2 days before we went, she started up again.

our trip began as a nightmare. serious arguments, then almost didnt go. eventually we went, had a great time. seemed like it was back to "normal".

a week after she went crazy again. then we just broke up for about 10 days.

when we eventually got back together, after long discussions and trying to resolve what went wrong, she told me that:

- it was not only a girl she kissed that night, it was also the "guy she fancied a little bit."

- she slept in the same bed as him, just after New Years, but apparently nothing happened.

- before we went away for the trip, she slept with same guy, in a drunken sex act that "was shit" (I retorted "so, that makes it alright then??!!")

I was right all along. the reflective guilt thing, the unnecessary arguments, all boiled down to what she done and the lies she kept from me.

i've tried to look at it all in the sense of her being away from home and lonely (she lives in a residential college), however, the truth still hurts.

she's begged to get back, and we're trying to work it out, she's making the effort to earn my respect back as she says she's in love with me and i'm the best guy she's ever had.

but the trust is gone.

I try and block it from my mind as it fills me with rage, its hard. i'm giving her another chance, although the temptation to get rid of her sticks in my head regularly. being lied to just adds suspicion.

the bottom line is, go with your gut. DONT get paranoid though. if your girlfriend has any respect for you, she will tell you the truth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010):

well she might not have told you because she knew you would get angry and upset and she may feel like theres nothing to worry about. But it is important for any relationship to have trust in each other. Ask her if what happened before with them was a mistake and if they are just friends. You need to tell her how you feel. You cant stop her seeing this S guy but if you dont trust her tell her its upsetting you her hanging around with him. If she doesnt seem to care about youre feelings toward this subject then find someone else who you can trust hun.

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A male reader, Reazhuq Bangladesh +, writes (4 February 2010):

Well, I have been through a similar situation and it is difficult to over come i know that. Me and my girlfriend both spoke about it but still i couldn't get over with it. I told her about my feelings and i guess just because we are taking time rather than coming to a conclusion, it's improving. It's tough to give her a chance but, if you love her please give it a second thought before taking any stupid decision. If it does not work at the end of the day, don't blame anyone. Neither you nor her. I guess just accept that had to happen and by giving the chance to both of you, you'll feel good at the end of the day that you

tried your level best, but that just didn't work out.

I guess that's all from my part.

Hope to see you happy, and all the best wishes.

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A male reader, Reazhuq Bangladesh +, writes (4 February 2010):

Well, I have been through a similar situation and it is difficult to over come i know that. Me and my girlfriend both spoke about it but still i couldn't get over with it. I told her about my feelings and i guess just because we are taking time rather than coming to a conclusion, it's improving. It's tough to give her a chance but, if you love her please give it a second thought before taking any stupid decision. If it does not work at the end of the day, don't blame anyone. Neither you nor her. I guess just accept that had to happen and by giving the chance to both of you, you'll feel good at the end of the day that you

tried your level best, but that just didn't work out.

I guess that's all from my part.

Hope to see you happy, and all the best wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009):

okay. so ive been with my girlfriend for a little while now and i feel as though i cant trust her. but i love her to death. so i just feel like i need to give it time and see what happens. the whole reason in me still taking her crap is because i have insecurity issues and i dont feel i look good. but many girls are intersted in me so i dont have to deal with this. but i will remain to continue trying to resolve my problems. so in my opinion, just give her a chance because if you both love each other, it will be worth it in the long run...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008):

I was recently in a similar situation. A girl I dated lied to me several times, but always had some type of excuse or reason when she got caught. She would lie to me about where she was, who she was with, and even giving out her phone number to guys, getting caught by me, then acting like it was a work thing. A 2am text is not a work thing. So a year later she calls me up trying to convince me she has grown up. I caught her again in a white lie, nothing major, but just came to the realization that my sanity is much more important than this relationship. As much as I wanted it to work, and am still not over it, I can not be with someone who you just don't know when they are telling you the truth and when they are not. Lying is one of the top relationship wreckers and it doesn't matter why they are lying. If they want you to believe something that is not truthful, well then they shouldn't be doing what they were doing in the first place.

I hope you move on and find someone who gives your heart and mind peace...

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A male reader, gmoney United States +, writes (24 June 2008):

Yeah bro dont trust it. My girl was a party girl had simular situation the best this is to walk away and dont look back,it will only reopen the wound. Her going out with any man is bad enough, then you add alcohol and the fact that theyve had sex in the past is the your girl is cheating cocktail. He has the cock and your girl is giving up the tail. Stay strong bro and leave her alone you can do better take it as a learning lesson.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008):

if you love her then im sure it is worth it. just work on things with her. tell her if you feel as though she lying to you then tell her you cant be with a liar. im sure she'll stop, if she wants to be with you.

Good luck..

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (20 June 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntThat is the problem with lying. Where does it stop? Once someone has been shown to lie EVERYTHING that they ever said becomes suspect.

If I tell you that the sky is green and that I am male can you then believe that I am male?

I am, but can you take my word for it when I just shown that I can lie in your face... browser... whatever.

There is such a concept as a white lie. Something you say or don't say to avoid trouble. She might have been making a little white lie. NOTHING serious MIGHT have happened but she thought "this might look bad" so told a white lie to keep the relation smooth.

OR she might have had an orgy with everyone that night. You don't know. All you know is that what she said TWICE isn't what was the truth.

Can you trust her again? That is for you to decide. Why did she lie? Was it just to avoid trouble over something trivial OR was there something to hide? Choose, is she worth the pain if she turns out to be lying again, is she usually trustworthy?

Basically, WHY did she lie? Sad part is, you can't take her word for that.

This is why lying is such a lethal thing in a relationship.

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A female reader, Clarey United Kingdom +, writes (20 June 2008):

Clarey agony auntPerhaps the problem with her is not the one occasion, it is a build-up of things that make you feel she conceals things or is not truthful with you. On its own I would say the incident with "S" would not be such a worry, if that is, your trust was not already slighly eroded by other things you have noticed. Getting blind drunk with an old flame is not trustworthy behaviour but if you had 100% faith in her you may pass over it. I can imagine for example, being able to joke about it. Your instincts are guiding you, try to be a little more detached and watch her for longer. You will get the information you need if you are patient, either way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008):

I am sorry, you might not like what I am going to tell you, but I am saying this not to hurt or upset you, only to try and assist you to get perspective.

MOVE ON, this girl does not deserve you.

You will never trust her again, and what is a relationship without trust.

If she had enough respect for you, she would not have been telling you all these lies.

This girl sound like trouble to me, she wants you but she also wants to be single and mingle(behind your back); if it was all innocent, she had no reason to tell you a bunch of lies.

The fact that she was not honest about it upfront, taking the history between her and the other guy in consideration, well she was hiding something or feeling quilty about something, otherwise she would have told you the truth.

What is a relationship if you can not be honest with each other? In this case, if it was all innocent, why not tell the truth about the old friend.?

Do you really want to waste time being around somebody that you cannot trust? Somebody that does not respect you and underestimate your intellignence by telling you a bunch of lies?

I suggest you get out there and find a girl that will value you, love and respect you, somebody that you can trust and built a lonterm relationship with.

Be strong, you know what you have to do.

Good luck!

S

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A male reader, dnz Australia +, writes (20 June 2008):

dnz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the reply. Your first two sentences summed up my problem: There's no way i'll ever know.

We have talked about it directly, and i've made myself 100% clear that it's not OK. And she's flat out denied that anything happened. So I seem no further ahead. I think I believe her and I try to move on, but there's always some doubt still there.

I know that she doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time, she seems untrustworthy: in my opinion she's too used to saying anything (true or false) to get what she wants. I've caught her out lying a few times. As soon as a situation comes up that requires any level of trust, I just start to think about whether its really worth it or not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008):

Maybe she was just lying to you about it because she didnt want to lose you. But maybe something did happen with this"S" fellow.

But you should ask her first. And then decide if she is lying to you. Best thing to do is talk to her, and if you so much as have a doubt you will never get over it.

So you would sooner or later have to break it off, because it will be nagging at you the whole time your with her.

Best of Luck!!!

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