A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I have been a dear cupid reader for 3 years now. This is the time of my life I really really need support and advice. I feel I am really ugly and unattractuve. Please I urge you to read cause it is going to get really long but I will keep it short.I had one and only one girl in my life and she became a part of my life when I entered uni. I proposed her and she accepted. It remained for 4 years and all along I used to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the whole world and that I love her. I used to bring her gifts, flowers and made her breakfast from my home. But she kept up an interest in other guys all along the relationship, and she always used to give me harsh remarks and made me jealous by telling me that other guys are more handsome and taller. She would also tell me that I had rough lips and I should not kiss her hands because it feels like "Thorn". She let me kiss her for the 1st time after 1 year into the relationhip, and she cursed me loads for it. I once brought flowers for her after spending 2 hours in the morning in gardens and she threw them in the bin. We had sex for the 1st time after 2 years of the relationship and it was her recommendation. She cursed me on that also and all the times afterwards whenever we did it, she would call me horrible names because of it. After the 3rd year of the relationship, she started having various guys call me and give me life threats to stay away from her. After 6 months from these incidents, I immigrated to USA and on my flight day, she melted in my arms and begged me to not go. That day felt like I won her forever.When I came here, she broke up with me and sent me a picture with one of the guys she used to flirt with.I MOVED ON. It took me 6 months day and night crying and missing her and feeling horrible with the memories of my days with her, but I did it. I had to do it. After coming to USA, I had already got a part time job after one month. I had my degree in IT and I started IT certifications side by side. I felt really empty and wanted someone in my life. I began looking....On my work a girl joined. I fell for her. Of course I had lost my trust in love but I gave my heart another chance. I started talking to her and making friendship. But on my workplace there is a very cute guy who is a womaniser. He was interested in her. I politely told her that I like her and I want to be with her. But he was determined to get her. In one week or so, I saw them kissing under a tree. My heart was shattered again. My best friend at work could not take it and told one of his friends who sent that womaniser a message on facebook to stay away from her. But it all took an ugly turn and that girl thought that it was me with another account doing all this. I cared for my friend's safety. I did confront him on doing all this without my permission but I took all the blame on mysef.....Heart ache... heart ache.... It went like that for 2 months.One of my family friends from back home, whose daughter I used to teach as a part time job during my university years was my good friend. Her older sister was really beautiful. Their parents treated me like their son. I dont why I did it but I told that girl on facebook that I like her and want to be with her and I will wait for her. It got ugly too and that family cut contact with me and both sisters blocked me from their facebooks forever...I decided to stay away from girls no matter how much lonely I might feel. 1 month ago another girl joined my job. She herself introduced herself to me. I never crossed any limits with her because I had learnt my lessons by then. On the 3rd encounter I said these words with the politest and most respectful manner possible:"Hey. I was wondering since you and I are from the same cultural background and you and I both don't have much friends, lets go eat some good asian food some day whenever you are free. I know some good places (She herself told me these things)."The next week one of my female friends told me that she has been saying that I am a creep because I asked her out like that.I am broken again. 5 times.Please tell me what to do. I just got an IT job and now I am working 7 days a week just to keep myself busy. But nothing hurts a man more than a rejection and I have had 5.Please tell me what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Hi,
I am going to be honest, and give you my opinion. I might be wrong, but this is how I feel...
I don't mind your post being long, but I feel that you are too intense... Meaning, too polite, too nice... You mentioned politely numerous times?...
I'll tell you my personal experience. I am a honest, genuine, hard working person. All the places I've worked I am always helping everybody, all departments, polite/nice to everybody, offered all of them food, etc... I care about people in general, and do care if they like me or not. Someone people didn't like me for no apparent reason, and I didn't understand why? Took me many years, many people, many experiences, and situations to understand what I was doing wrong.... In my mind, I am and always tried so hard to be the nicest person ever, but what I didn't know is that:: " it was annoying to some people".... Maybe weird, creepy... Just plain "annoying". My point is: it doens't matter how polite, or nice you are, some people might not like you for no reason at all... even when you don't do anything wrong, still they will not like you.... ( this is my 1st advice )
Another thing I noticed, you are too serious, too intense, in "your polite way" you take things to fast/ meaning: you get attached emotionally and become too sensitive. By reading your post, I'll say: "RELAX and ENJOY"
You just moved here, just got a new job, just meeting new people. I guess people sense your intense personality. Become friends, get to know each other better, be casual, smile, be confident, have positive energy... I mean, you are young and smart. You have millions reasons to be happy... I am not asking you to change, but I think if you start to relax a little, don't over think, become friends first, don't be too formal, too serious, life will be much better and kinder to you... (2nd advice)
In the future, do not let anybody disrespect you, treat you bad, judge you, nothing!! Because, I true friend/girlfriend don't treat friends this way... You don't need these kind of people in your life and they don't deserve you. (3rd advice)
I know after so many bad experiences it's hard to have confidence, but even of you are nervous inside, do not show weakness. Girls like a smart, confident, funny, stress free guy. So next time you meet a new girl, get to know her better, don't be too nice or too polite, because it might feel weird. Just be casual... Don't ask girls out anymore until you start Feeling a little better, and understand what's making them push you away... I repect the fact that you are strong, don't give up, and continue try to improve, (it's perfect attitude) but before you continue you need to try different ways, starting improving yourself mentally...
Good luck/ best wishes
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 You lack self respect. Why would you propose to a girl who doesn't let you kiss her until a year into the relationship? Was she a virgin when you first had sex, otherwise I think waiting 2 years for sex was a red flag. She wasn't kind to you, and it doesn't matter how many flowers you bring, or how great you were with her. If she's a bitch she's a bitch and you can not change people. You chose this woman who treated you poorly to be someone you would love and adore and propose to, and I just do not see why?? Why would you do that to yourself? She showed you all along who she was. You said she was interested in other guys through the entire relationship! You said she didn't let you kiss her until one year in and after that she cursed you over it too. At what point would you realize this wasn't the right girl? Yet you continued this self torture.
She didn't do things to you as much as you did them to yourself. You knew what she was like and yet you continued to pine after her. Why? The question is why do you think you are worth so little that this sort of behaviour is justified? You could never change her, no matter how kind you were, but you could have gotten rid of her and found someone who actually appreciated you.
Next, you engage yourself into things WAY TOO FAST. You asked a girl out and she declined you, and for this you are heartbroken? You need to learn to accept that not all women will love and adore you from first glance. However this doesn't mean that no woman ever will. But you seriously need to learn how to filter things and not take everything to heart, and at the same time understand what are good things and what are bad things about a girl. You need to be more critical of who you let into your heart!!! You need to let girls EARN your love, rather than throw it at them when you do not really know these women, or they do not deserve to be loved by you.
Your ex girlfriend treated you poorly the entire relationship, yet year after year you held on to her, year after year you took her rejections and somehow thought that this was ok. It wasn't. You should have never been with that girl for 4 years, you should have broken up with her after that first year when you saw her for who she truly was.
You need to learn how to SEE people for who they are. Just like with your ex girlfriend you seem almost to ignore personalities. You find a girl you like and you go for her 100 percent and without second thoughts. This is ignorant. You always need to filter things, get to know a person, and see if they are worthy of your love or not, BEFORE you jump in with head and heart and mind and soul. When you take things more carefully you will not be broken by the smallest of rejections.
Getting rejected is NOT reason for heartache. Heartache is when you loved someone and they rejected you. You only loved your first girlfriend, and I do not understand why you thought she was good enough for your love, because she never was. However you did not love the other 4. They were girls or women you barely knew. Why did you rush into saying you "love" them, after all you did not even know them? The question again is WHY?
These women did not break your heart, you broke your heart. You gave your love away to someone you KNEW didn't deserve it, all these 5 times. You didn't use your head and intelligence. You threw your love away as if it was worth nothing. If you do not value yourself, or your own loves worth, then what makes you think anyone else will?
You need to start valuing yourself. You need to start valuing that the love you can give is precious, and the girl who gets your love needs to be VERY special before you give your love to her. If you treat your love as valuable you will not throw it away so easily and to people who you do not know, people who have not gained your trust, people who have not shown any love and care for you in return. You can't make someone love you by loving them, you can't CHANGE people. You need to let them prove to you that they are worthy, and only then, only after they have shown you that they can be trusted, that they are worth it, only then can you begin to give them of your care. And in time, after you have been with them for at least year and they have still shown you they are worthy of you, you can give them your true love. But not before.
Just so you know I have been in 3 serious relationships of 1 and a half year each, and my first boyfriend who I was also engaged to broke up with me 6 times and I took him back over and over, so I too know how it feels to hurt. But at some point you need to put an end to it yourself and respect yourself enough to let go of those people who are not good for you. As for how many times I have been rejected in my life they are far more than 5, and you will probably be rejected many more times than this. So you need to start valuing yourself right now, or you will continue to get hurt.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 HiyaYou sound like a really nice guy... but very full on. You obviously have so much love to give, have been treated badly and have made some HUGE mistakes.I think your first relationship meant alot more to you than it ever did to her - I cant see any reason why you would get threats from other men, when engaged!!! I can only assume that YOU thought you were engaged, SHE did not. She was cruel and heartless to leave you in the dark for so long and her behaviour is inexcusable.OK for your other ladies... you seem to come on too strong too fast. Why would a woman who barely knows you, who lives thousands of miles away be suddenly in love, with a man who taught her sister? I would be freaked out if some aquaintance of mine sent me messages like that. I'm afraid its no wonder they cut contact.Equally, its not really acceptable to point out a persons faults (or insecurities) when asking them out. Telling the young lady that she didnt have many friends wasnt the best idea!You also seem to fall head over heels for your ladies. You dont give any time into getting to know them, and seem heartbroken after a week!!! You obviously have a huge heart and alot of love to give, but you cannot suggest that you were in love with these women so quickly without knowing them at all. Can I suggest that what you do is make friends first. Male and female friends. Do NOT allow any romantic attachments form in your head until you have organised your social skills. Perhaps your culture is different (not wrong just different) from western culture, and so your "western" social skills need some developing. Once you are comfortable with viewing women as potential platonic friends (and not something on a pedestal) and know how to please your friends. Then think about romance.Do not point out their faults (or differences), do not become so full on that you trigger their fight or flight senses. Just ask them out for a coffee! "hey just wondering if you fancied meeting me for a coffee this weekend"Simple! Right?OH and dont count your rejections! Seriously! Even the most great looking guy with the most amazing personality will have been rejected more times he can count! Thats part of adult relationships and something else within your social skills you need to develop.
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