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Can I really get married with these doubts?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, *rMIke writes:

I have been with my fiance for four years now and am due to get married in 6 months. I always thought that she was the one for me, but now I am not so sure.

My previous relationship of two years (and first love) ended when we both moved away to different sides of the country to go to university.

The problem is that myself and my ex have now moved back into the same area (only by chance) and have been seeing more and more of each other over time.

although I thought that I was set for a wedding to the girl of my dreams, I now cant get my ex out of my head knowing that we were very much in love and only broke up due to us moving apart.

Not sure if my ex feels the same, but I dont know if thats the point. Can I really get married with these doubts.

Please help!

View related questions: broke up, fiance, my ex, university, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

What the previous poster said makes sense. You have special memories with your ex, but neither of you were willing to move to be closer to each other. To me, I would've FOUND a way if I didn't want to lose him.

Well, with either woman, a marriage is something to be nurtured and cherished, along with problems to be worked through...but it's VERY rewarding. Please choose wisely.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

why did you break up with your ex in the first place? because of distance right? but if you and your ex really loved eachother you would either have come to a compromise or not moved away...that would have shown you that you really loved each other, but neither of you were willing to make that sacrifice. isnt that enough to show you that your feelings towards her were never strong enough in the first place??? so why give up the love of your fiance for something which was never really strong enough in the first place?

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A male reader, Zim United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2008):

Zim agony auntOne of the most destructive parts that can occur in a relationship is the "ex", especially if they were your first love. To see someone you were quite intimate with whilst also going out/enagaged with someone else will stir up the feelings again. It is inevitable. Especially if the relationship ended according to what seemed like unavoidable barriers (university and distance). What you should remember is that you did break up because of the distance; surely if you both had been serious about the relationship after two years you would have stayed together? I understand that might be a difficult concept to accept, especially as long distance relationships are very hard but nevertheless it is true. Another thing, is that approximately seven to eight years have passed since you broke up with her. She's moved on and so have you, hence the reason you found the woman of your dreams, your fiance. You have spent a long time with her, you know all about her, and her you. You and your fiance have shared memories and moments together that will never be outdone by the memories of the past. You certainly shouldn't let memories of "what could have happened" sully what you have spent five plus years working for. You understand your fiance in a way that can compare with no one else. To you, you are worried that this is the same with your ex, but I can assure you, it is not.

The advice I give to you is simple. You must start seeing more of your fiance and less of your ex. Im not suggesting that you are seeing the ex more, but the more you see you fiance, the more she becomes your world, your future, your life and most important of all, your love. Pour every effort into your relationship with your fiance and you will see the dividends soon enough. And best of all, you will stop having doubts. Please ask more questions if you have more:-)

ZIM

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

Your right the point is how you feel and if you are doubting the marriage, it's best to not go through with it. Marriage is hard enough without starting it out with doubts!

It won't be easy to let you fiance down, but I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing.

I wish you luck and hope for the best for you!

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A female reader, petina1 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2008):

petina1 agony auntI would try to find time to really analyze the situation. Ask yourself and 'remember' why you ever split up in the first place, the reasons, try to remember the feelings you had and how you felt when she went away, try to remember the bad times if there were more than good. Distance should not have been a major problem if feelings were strong anyway. If you still have strong feelings for her then you must not get married at this point. Ex's are well known for coming back in to peoples lives but it is important to keep reminding yourself as to why you let them go. Try to think about all the things y ou like about the girl you are going to marry and weigh the odds up. Then at least if you do get married you won't be tempted to having an affair with your ex. These things can get very messy and you may end up alone. good luck. hope this helps.

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