A
female
age
36-40,
*edshoes83
writes:I'm having relationship troubles. My boyfriend and i have been together two years. We were fine until a few months ago. I bought a house and we started doing it up together. That was stressful. Then my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer and my brother became very very sick also. I work a very stressful job too. So all round i was feeling more and more not like myself. This caused trouble between me and the boyfriend. Thing is, the whole time we have been together its been very one sided. I work full time and he works for himself (if he has any work). I therefore pay for everything. Even his phone bill, he pays no rent and i often pay his rent on his workshop or car insurance. This also causes a problem for us. We've been arguing alot. I have become a bit insecure and he states he has been insecure during the whole relationship. I doubt this. I think he is reflecting my emotions back at me. Anyway, recently we have been talking about really trying to make it work and have less arguments but it feels like nothing is working. We got drunk one night and were having sex. He knows that I really really dont enjoy anal and he was kind of making me do it. until i really shouted stop. Then he did stop. I thought that he should be really appolgetic about this but he wasnt. he just said he didnt want to talk about it. I feel like i'm having to do things i really dont want to do, just to please him. I want to do this because i do love him. When we were good we had the most amazing time together. he is funny kind caring and ultimately the person i want to be with but i dont know how to get us out of this rut. Perhaps he has just gone completely off me since i have been stressed out and can't be bothered to even try to make it work. We had sex this morning and he couldnt come. So i asked why and he couldnt really answer then he went to work. A while late he comes back doesnt really talk to me at all and leaves again. Any ideas on what the hell i can do to make it work, or should i give up on this too?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): You both need to back off and assess your overall relationship.
Read your post. I mean go over the fine details.
I did.
There is clearly too much resentment and co-dependency.
You're merely sticking it out. You push him away; then get teary eyed, and claim you want it to work. You really both need to face the facts.
It isn't working.
It's all blamed on stress, working too much, doing things you don't want to do.
Isn't this what most relationships are built upon?
There's little room for compromise in your relationship; because you're incompatible at the moment. At first, he could do no wrong. Now he can't do anything right.
You feel stuck; because you bought a house. That was your signal the time has now come to settle down. In your eyes, he hasn't brought enough to the table.
Just admit it. He's not holding up his end.
You can only get along, as long as finances are okay. Independently, neither of you handle stress well; or know how to get along under pressure. You really don't feel financially secure; and you secretly think he's a failure.
You feel like you're carrying most of the weight alone; so your internalized resentment makes you resist his intimacy.
You look for faults to expose your resentment; so you found something convenient. The attempted anal-sex just blew the lid off, and you had something you could use to jab him with. Now you can release your disgust and resentment.
Otherwise; you use passive-aggressive ways to get the point across.
Truth is, you're disillusioned. Disappointed. You want a better life than he can offer. Your perception of the future has a dreary forecast.
Your dream-relationship isn't materializing. He isn't delivering the security and comfortable life you really and truly want.
You want financial-security, trips, money in the bank, and marriage on the horizon. Maybe kids.
Everything you ever wanted is slipping away; or postponed longer than you care to wait. You hoped it would be with him. Now it's questionable, and driving you nuts.
You feel the harder you work, the less he keeps up. Then you ran into some emotional setbacks; when your father and brother became ill.
You are drained by too much guilt, resentment, and anger.
You blame it all on him. You say it in every way but words. That's passive-aggressive. In your post, you dance around what you really feel; but outline his "faults" in great detail.
You want out. Admit it. You need to be convinced to stay.
You could work it out easier; if he started to earn more, and showed more earning-potential.
You're tired of struggling and you're tired of him.
I bet you really feel the relationship has run it's course; but you don't feel like having to start the process of meeting someone new. Dating and all that crap.
Dealing with ending the relationship is just too much to bear; so you pretend you want to make it work.
Do you? I mean really? Do you?
Failing or fledgling businesses weigh heavily on marriages; and don't fair well on relationships any less committed.
Heavy debt, eats to the core of the strongest unions, and the hopelessness reflects through emotional stress. People blame their jobs, but mean each other. They are looking for a lifeline; and feel one or the other, is holding them back.
Tell him honestly you feel over-whelmed. You feel the relationship is too heavy, and you're tired of paying his bills.
Tell him you need out; before it all breaks your back!
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Before you throw in the towel completely, I would suggest couples counselling. Ask yourself, "Can I see myself with this man for the rest of my life?" What is it about him that you like? What is it about the relationship that makes you want to work at it? You are tackling some major issues in the relationship that can either make it or break it: Finances, Sex, Family issues. If you don't like or can't handle the responsibility of financially supporting the both of you, then maybe he needs to get a part time job to contribute to the living expenses. There needs to be compromise from both sides, not just you. It seems like you're doing all the compromising, so I can understand your frustration.
But there must be something that is keeping you with him. If it is his friendship and that you genuinely like him, then it will be worth going to couples counselling to try and fix things.
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