A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have seen and read many hints and tips regarding relationship issues but as we all know, all circumstances are different, this one is a real head f*ck.I've been with a girl for 4 years, I'm 12 years her senior at 38 and she is 26. She comes from a small town where everybody knows your business and a name sticks. She is, as I found, very insecure and has been in denial up until the recent upset, which I will come to shortly.She cannot handle her drink at all, we all know the type but trust me, you've never seen a girl change character like this after just 2 or 3 glasses of wine, after which she'll hit the shots and you've got to just stand back and watch it unfold. She turns nasty and her judgement and morals go out of the window.A year before we got together and after such a drinking binge, she had a lock in at a bar and the owner and his mate had sex with her, the works, roasted the lot, which was all caught on the security cameras. The two guys, in their mid 40's, subsequently played the footage on the big screen the following day, needless to say her reputation in this small town was wrecked. I had even hear of it at the time but did not know who the girl was. Anyway, I then met her, not knowing she was THAT girl and we just clicked. A couple of months later I found out it was her but felt an overwhelming desire to help her lose the label, after all I didn't live in the small town but some 20 miles away, far enough not to be tormented by it by local idiots. I even confronted the two guys and retreated the footage, which I destroyed immediate, who knows if there's another copy. Over 3 years she transformed herself and has developed into a beautiful young lady, with what I thought were good morals, although once in a while I would find that she was deleting text messages, email or facebook correspondence from all sorts of guys. I wasn't snooping, when you live with someone you get to hear a messages drop in at a certain time of the day and pick up on her reaction, many of which raised suspicion so I began to check into things further and it was constant, she was always deleting things. Needless to say my trust was fading, which clearly effected our relationship on the undercurrent.Two months ago she said she was going out on a Friday night in that same small town where she had an awful reputation for being the local bike and that she would stay at her parents. On this night I finished work at 1am and I grew more and more suspicious so drove the 20 miles her parent house, let myself in as usual and she wasn't there. I waited until 6am going out of my mind as she ignored my calls and text messages, I knew she was with someone else.Cutting to the chase, it unfolded that she was in fact with another guy, her brothers - girlfriends - brother after meeting him a month beforehand. Apparently he had even stayed at my apartment while I was away for a few days, kissing and cuddling in the living room. Anything else is denied but I question this because they went back to my place after a house warming party, both drunk and we have just the one bedroom. He apparently stayed on the sofa bed, which my ex doesn't realise is actually broken, therefore there's no way he did!To add insult to injury, all her family knew they'd stayed together on this night.OK, after 4 years together our relationship was a little stale and I could suggest she was reaching out to see if there were any other options. Sensing something wasn't right and on the Friday I found out, beforehand during the afternoon I sent her a heartfelt email asking her not to go overboard on the drink, reminding her that I loved her and trusted her to behave respectfully towards our relationship, it was a great email, really reassuring.So I'd found out. I threw all her stuff out on the Saturday morning, all day she was in denial that anything had happened but nevertheless I told her to leave. Further communication was established on the Sunday, she admitted being with someone but just said they'd kissed. Then it was a bit more, then more until I just called the guy to ask him directly, turns out it was full sex. The hard part is that she now realises how much she apparently loves me and she's been in a terrible state. She's a very vulnerable girl, still with all of her insecurities but I know myself well and I am finding it excruciatingly hard to get the images out of my mind, mainly because when she's drunk anything goes!She's begging for me back and I just don't know what to do. I am in love with the girl and am struggling to deal with all of this. I care for her so much and don't want her to be this upset and confused. Two days ago I told her that was it and to leave me alone so I could move on with my life, she then went out in the town again, got drunk, had an argument with the guy she'd had sex with, causing scene and now everyone knows! I received a phone call on Saturday saying she's slept with another guy on that very night a friend of the other, of which she denies, just in the same way she denied the affair. She won't leave me alone, she's constantly trying to make me realise just how sorry she is and I'm going out of my mind because a part of my is clinging on to her as I truly love the girl. She said she'll do anything to make us work but I don't know what to believe.I know time is a great healer, it's been two weeks after all but I can't bear being without her and I do believe she is terrified to lose me. Can I just put it down to our relationship becoming stale, should I help her receive help, should I stick around at all or shall I just move on, any advice is welcome please. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 This has nothing to do with the relationship becoming stale. When two people are capable of loving, nothing goes stale. She has always been in self destructive mode and is looking for a savior. She is unhappy inside and although you prove yourself to be heroic, she needs professional help to deal with her inner issues. Apparently being understanding and patient is not enough. She needs more than a loving supportive boyfriend to get to the root of the problem, only if she can admit she has a problem.
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