A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27yrs old, single, and partway through an epic weight loss battle. I've lost 100lbs, and while I still have 55lbs to lose I'm starting to think about relationships again and how I'm going to approach them once I reach my goal.I've been overweight my whole life, and the only real boyfriend I have ever had was crude, insulting, and treated bedroom time like a chore. Whatever his reasons, justified or otherwise, his treatment ignited my insecurities to the point that I've built an emotional wall around myself. Sure I still fall for guys, but even if they show interest I find myself keeping them at arms length. People who meet me for the first time describe me as proper/polite, aloof, and mysterious.I like one guy at work, but I have no idea how to begin 'wooing' him. I'm inclined to wait until I lose the rest of the weight, and see what happens... I don't want to be overt in my interest, as the workplace could get extremely awkward if he wasn't interested.Specifics aside, does anyone have any advice for a girl entering the dating scene for the first time? I live in a small town at the moment so I can't really test the waters by hitting the club scene (though it's something I'd be willing to try next time I visit the city with my friends).
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Euphoria and Tisha :)
Most of what you said is the common sense we can offer others but struggle to find ourselves.
@ Euphoria, I agree with what you said about clubbing. I would never try to meet a guy at a club, but I was thinking it might improve my self esteem to see how many guys hit on me (I've never actually been approached by a guy before).
Thank you both for all your advice :) I need to be prepared to put myself out there and really engage in life. I think I'm not going to try to find any men yet - but instead put some effort into hanging with my colleagues after work and make some new friends. If I start by stretching my comfort zone maybe everything will fall into place.
A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (12 June 2015):
Dear OP,Oh, the dating scene. Thought I'd escaped that place but now I'm back there. I've managed my way through it for many years already, so here is my advice:1) It's okay to want a partner that you love, trust and desire. Don't "lower" your standards just because you don't want to be alone, or because you think you won't find someone else. 2) Trust your gut instincts. If a man scares you, don't blame it on your "trust issues". If you don't feel like having sex, don't blame a "fear of intimacy". Respect it when your body and your mind say "no". 3) Stay kind but honest, if you don't see things going anywhere with someone. Don't give false hope.4) I've never met a really nice guy in a club, only men that wanted sex right away. It was either work, hobbies or the internet where I met nice men. So, my advice would be not to put too much hope into clubbing. 5) If you like the guy at work, talk to him now. He already knows how you look with this weight, you won't be a new person just because you lose 55pounds. He will know where you came from, anyway. If he's into you, he will think you don't like him, if you don't talk to him soon. Just make small talk, smile, laugh. See how he responds. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 June 2015):
 If you wait until life is perfect and you are at the "perfect" weight and with the "perfect" haircut and "perfect" outfits and shoes... you are going to wait a lifetime.
Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful. Nor do you have to be perfect to be wonderful.
If you want something, ask for it (politely, of course). If you fancy someone, make eye contact, smile and say hello.
I would avoid trying to woo a guy at work. If things go pear-shaped, it can be pretty awkward and your self-esteem doesn't appear to be at the point where you can externalize some of this.
You wrote something that I want you to think about: "Whatever his reasons, justified or otherwise, his treatment ignited my insecurities to the point that I've built an emotional wall around myself." Yes, he was no doubt a jerk. But, here's the thing, he was the jerk YOU chose. You chose him, subconsciously, because he would validate the negative viewpoint you have of yourself. In other words, your insecurities chose him to batter yourself with....
Time to think about this just a little differently now.
You keep the guys who approach you at arm's length because you don't yet believe you deserve love, and attention, and respect. Open yourself up to that, mkay?
And congrats on your amazing milestones! Even if you never lost one more pound, you still did an impressive and awesome thing. So pat yourself on the back, keep on moving.
You've changed your outsides, now change your thinking. If you need some extra help, go get it!
If you are entering the dating scene for the first time, I would say, be yourself. Expect good treatment, and give good treatment. If you don't get admiration and respect? Lose him. If you can't feel admiration and respect? Move on!
Good luck and rock on!
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