A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, why do I always fall for older men! I have had 2 serious relationships one when I was 19 and he was 38. Then I met my daughter's father (48) when I was 22 which ended badly. I swore after that I had to stick to men around my own age, more in common, more chance of a future.ect. I just can't seem to be attracted to men in their 20s, dated a few and the spark just wasn't thereafter! Here I am again now a single mother, 25 now and falling for a man in his late 40s. I keep telling myself no, then going back to him, don't get me wrong he treats me well and compliments me all the time, more so my looks than, me personally. Can age gaps ever work? Or I'm I setting myself up for more heart ache?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (7 February 2015):
I like older men too! I've dated quite a few and they've treated me much better than guys my own age. My mum always tells me to find someone my own age and people are always concerned if not disgusted that I like older men.Because of my personality and lifestyle, I feel I can connect better with older men and them with me. I appeal to the more 'mature gentlemen' it seems. There is nothing odd with being attracted to older men. We all have our preferences and should'nt listen to anything negative from other people. Unless your life is at risk of course.Can age gap r/ships work? Yes! But they end too for all the same reasons non age gap r/ships end. Whether they work or not is down to the individuals involved. Is there a connection physically and mentally? Do both people want the same things and can they ignore outsiders negative opinions?To give you a recent example. I met a much older guy about 17 yrs older than me recently and when I saw him across the room, sure he looked his age and I was intimidated by his confident walk and good looks(Even though I like older men, sometimes the attraction is not mutual and I get treated like a little girl by some older guys) But I try my luck anyway.When I got talking to this guy, it was like talking to someone my own age. We had a wonderful conversation and laughed and joked like old friends. There was a connection. I could see myself going on a date with him no problem. But he mentioned he lived in another town. That was a downer as I don't do long distance r/ships.But hun, age gap r/ships do happen and do work. Just pick the right man for you. Older does'nt mean perfect though. All men AND women, regardless of age, have faults. But most importantly, don't over think things and do your best to ignore the weird looks and comments people will make about your r/ship choices i.e dating older men. It's your life and enjoy it!x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Thank you for both your answers.
I posted this question and yes my Dad was absent a lot while I was growing up, he looked after me as a single father until I was around 9, then took ill. Spent a lot of time missing him, so you may be right on that.
I think the man I'm with the now just sees me as an ego boost if am honest. So I know not to look at as anymore. Or I will get hurt.
Time out from relationships and work on my own issues I think I need tbh
Thank you for answers.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 December 2014):
Dear OP,
I think that age-gap relationships could work under some circumstances: When both partners are emotionally mature, grown up and dependable people. Basically, when despite their different age, there is mutual respect and a certain equality.
But I suppose that the problem in your relationships is that you are fixated on a certain type of men that is not very reliable/mature. They may have liked you for your youth, rather than your personality. They might be happy to escape the more critical view of women their own age, who have a more appropriate vision of their flaws, and to be a young womans' personal hero. Also, it's not an age gap of 10 years, rather 20+ years.. which reminds me of a sort of father-daughter-like constellation. In this constellation, there are clear roles. He is taking care of you, but also, you are depending on him. Playing by HIS rules. Stroking his ego, because even at his age, he can still "score" with such a young, beautiful woman. You may occasionally get the tenderness that is usually given to a daughter, which is beautiful and nurturing. You might get smart advice about live. Compliments and treats, weekend trips at hotels, diner at nice restaurants.. you don't have to deal with the insecurities that young adult men have, or their awkwardness. You can enjoy philosophical conversations and more quiet things in your free time, than with a younger man. But in the end, the older man will realize that you are too young to have a real relationship with, and he'll leave you alone. Maybe for someone who is even younger, more naive and has less demands than you. He is not after you, but after a vision of himself with a young woman. He is after a certain feeling, not after a special person.
My advice is to NOT fall for this "spark" this time. If you didn't work through your issues and you follow an unhealthy pattern here (as I think you are), then you are setting yourself up for more heart ache and problems. My guess is that you keep repeating this pattern of falling in love with the wrong men, until you heal yourself and get some insight in your problems.
If you chose a younger guy, you have the chance of growing together. And getting old together. And living your youth, accepting all the insecurities and problems that this brings. Those are really big advantages that you never had the chance to experience. Who knows.. maybe, if you truly gave someone younger a chance, you'd never want to go back to the old ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): "Hi, why do I always fall for older men!"
Is/was your bio-father in the picture or did you have a strong male role model while growing up? If not, then you may be experiencing a classic manifestation of Daddy issues, seeking attention and affection from an older man as a substitute for an absent or unloving father.
"Can age gaps ever work?"
Rarely. Unfortunately many May-December relationships are the result of mutual dysfunction, each party seeking to fulfill their own unrequited wants or needs through the other.
Older men who seek younger women (or younger men) tend to be are looking to assuage their own ego and/or re-live their lost youth by affirming their continuing attractiveness and virility. When he compliments you for your looks it's for his sake, not yours; he's flattering himself because someone young and good-looking is still interested in him.
He's likely not interested in you personally, it's what you represent to him that's important, and the converse is also likely true; you're really not interested in him personally either, it's what he represents to you that's important.
Unfortunately for you older men tend to trade in women for younger models far more often than younger women trade in men for older models.
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