A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I personally don't think that sex is all that big of a deal, and I'm not waiting for the "right one" or any of that, but I'm still hopelessly a virgin. Like, I am just so sexually frustrated and taking care of it by myself is just getting old. All of my friends have tons of hook-ups but I just can't seem to get rid of my v-card. Is it the fact that I am a virgin keeping me from losing it? I'm really not looking for true love and my future husband. I just wanna have some fun and stop being treated as some innocent little girl, because I'm really not I just haven't had any experience yet, even though I want it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I rushed into my first time and it was horrible. I ended up pregnant, the sex was horrible and the guy was even worse.
I understand your hormones are making you crazy, but the smart thing would be to wait. You will regret losing it to someone who doesn't mean anything to you. Trust me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Men who don't care about a girl hang out with the likes of your friends who do hookups. Those same men will then turn and look at you when they want a girl whom they can love and be secure with. Being meaningless or meaningful is always a personal choice.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 OP, as a woman, I can tell you that until you experience it you have no idea how sex will make you feel.
I was lucky and lost mine to someone who I loved and who cared about me and who was willing to take the time to make it a pleasurable experience.
A one night stand wouldn't do that, and probably would want to rush things quicker than you would want, when you may not be physically aroused enough, making your first experience even more painful/difficult than it can be already. I've never had a ONS, but I imagine it is mostly about personal gratification, rather than making sure your partner is having a good time (please correct me if I'm wrong on this!)
You also do not know how you will react physically - it may be painful at first and you may bleed (not all women, but some do). Letting a guy down there for the first time can be quite an odd thing, as it is part of the body usually covered up, and only your doctor may have seen previously. Do you honestly think you could handle that with someone you knew nothing about?
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is like stepping into the unknown. Until you have experienced it you have no idea how it will make you feel, and deliberately putting yourself into a situation would could make that worse, more frightening and potentially emotionally damaging is not a sensible thing.
Imagine it a bit like horse riding - if you had never seen a horse or ridden a horse, can you imagine how it would feel to race a highly strung arab thoroughbred? I know I don't! But with time, practice and patience you could learn. The same goes for sex, everyone has to learn the ropes from the beginning. Start off with a nice friendly pony who isn't going to bolt and gallop away with you at 100mph before dumping you head first in a hedge.
As Cerberus pointed out, some people are ok with one night stands others are not. Emotionally I know that I could not do that - I get too involved and my heart would be broken time and time again. It requires a lot of emotional trust for me to sleep with a man.
You need to start dating, getting to know guys your own age and then everything will all slot into place. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 18,19,21 or older. A lot of guys do not want to date women who have been "round the block" a few times.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Not to tell you what to do with your life. But I do hope you understand that when grown men start thinking about settling down with a woman, they aren't looking for a chick like your friends.
Look up "retroactive jealousy" before embarking on a casual sex phase. I don't think jealousy is always a fair & accurate term for everyone under this umbrella but you get the idea.
Look at some raw data and you find that most guys are not nearly as slutty as most girls think we are. A few male sluts give our whole crowd a slutty image that the rest of us don't really match at all. And most guys are far less thrilled about settling down with a chick with a promiscuous history than they are about hooking up with one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): If sex wasn't a big deal to you then you wouldn't be here asking us this question, you wouldn't be so forlorn about being a virgin. So first things first, you need to admit to yourself that is actually a bit of a big deal to you.
OP you can't possibly know whether the act itself is a big deal or not to you because you haven't experienced it.
I've slept with virgins who thought the same thing and then all of a sudden there was an emotional impact they weren't expecting and things got messy for them. They felt ashamed, guilty and dirty after their one night stand with me, they felt cheap and used, because I was cold and uncaring in the morning as I was the night before when they assumed sex meant nothing to them.
I've had a lot of one night stands and casual hook ups, sometimes it was fine other times I felt like shit. Becaus,e and someday you'll learn this too, what sex means, how important it is, depends entirely on the person you sleep with and the situation.
I don't enjoy sex with a woman who feels ashamed or that it was a mistake, and for women it can be even worse. Because not only are they more prone to emotional attachment from having sex but the sexual dynamic is such you may end up with rough asshole who doesn't take no for an answer.
Now I agree that virginity is a bullshit concept, it doesn't really matter who it is or when etc. But I can only say that because I've lost mine and it was like that for me.
You have no basis for comparison at all.
OP instead of looking for casual hook ups, most nice guys you may actually have fun sleeping with don't really want a casual hook up with a virgin because she'll be shit and the risk of emotional distress is too high. So you'll end up as a trophy fuck, something for some asshole to brag about to his friends and you'll most likely end up feeling cheap and used. Casual hook ups are best done by people who have experienced sex and know they can handle it.
OP you don't have to lose it to someone special, but you should date a little while first and at least know the guy is a decent human being first.
I had an ex who lost hers on a one night stand to a guy who wouldn't stop when she asked him to because it was too painful for her. She was similar to you, blasé and fully sure she could handle a one night stand because she assumed she'd be treated right because she was giving a guy sex.
OP you may not care that the guy is special to you, but you definitely will care if he's an utter asshole that treats you like shit before casting you aside along with the condom, unless of course he's one of those who refuses to wear one.
Just find a guy to date a little while, make sure he's a decent human being and sleep with him.
You don't have to wait until you're in love, just long enough that you feel assured he's a pretty decent guy.
You really don't want your first time to be with a dick, sure virginity is a bullshit made up concept with too much importance given to it, but without knowing how it will impact you don't let your first time be with a prick. That ex of mine was quite bitter about her experience of it, as you can well imagine, it was pretty much a sexual assault.
You know you could just have a drunken hook up with a male friend or acquaintance if you're that desperate. But if I were you I'd go with dating a dude for a couple of weeks beforehand. It really is best to just make sure the guy is at least a nice person first. It really can just be too damaging to find out the hard way you're not as easy-going as you thought you were about sex.
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