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Can a seven year relationship be over because of a lie said 6 years ago? Am I completely in the wrong here ?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2017) 24 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My Partner [30 F] of 7 years broke up with me [32 M]for lying.

She found out I met my son (1year old at the time) when I was abroad 6 years ago.

Myself and my partner had just broken up at the time so I was single when abroad. I never told her I met my son because when I was going to I went to show her a picture of him 6 years ago and she left the room angry and crying

She didn't want to know him for the first 2 and half years and was making me choose between her and him. So I decided not to tell her I met him.

Anyway long story short last year on vacation,we went to the same country I had gone to 6 years ago, she gave me a "pass" and asked if I was fully alone that time I was there 6 years ago.

I lied to her and said I was alone.

This woman has hit me before and can get very angry and I felt it would of ruined vacation had I told the truth.

At that stage we were only 2 days into a 3 week vacation.

Anyway before Christmas she decided to check social media, to the extent of finding my son's grandfather who she never met and found a pic of my son in the destination I was in 6 years ago...

She asked me to explain it and I told the truth...she ended the whole 7 year relationship right on the spot. blamed me for it all.

I get I lied but I thought I had a reason to.

I wanted to tell her 6 years ago but couldn't as she couldn't and wouldn't accept my son and then I hid it.....

Am I completely wrong here? She's saying we can't get back together,we were to get engaged this year, do you think she could reconsider?

Thanks for any advice

View related questions: broke up, christmas, engaged, get back together

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI honestly think you have had a lucky escape here. She likes to be in control off your life. She was a horrible person to be jealous off an innocent child, and it sounds like she has never truly got over this. Hence her freaking out that you lied about meeting up with him. Honestly I think you can do so much better than this.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPeople go to school more than 10 miles from their home sometimes, so anyone in your life needs to know you will be seeing your son regularly.

Your girlfriend was abusive and manipulative, not to mention selfish. It will hurt now, but you owe it to yourself and your son to not be with someone who doesn't want you and your son to be the family you are.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wise owl, thanks for the comment. So I broke up with my sons mom when he was 3 months old. And got with this girl pretty soon after. She knew exactly that I had a child,FULLY KNEW!

My son lives about 10 miles from me and his mom is settled with two other kids and with her new partner and has a great life, we get on we'll for the child,NO OTHER REASON.

So hence why I'm baffled, I fell in love with someone who asked me to reject my son...shame on me...even reading that there is shocking me. And after 2 and half tormoil years of finding hiding him she accepted him and was good at being a step mom, not an easy ask....but I still never told her I had met him that time I went away...like I said that only came to light recently and she ended it.

I've got so much clarity from all you guys and welcome all the advice. My friends and family had enough of hearing it was constantly on or off or for oil or me upset but enough is enough.

Thanks guys

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

You are feeling the pain. And want her back. To stop your pain. No logic or reason will change that it seems.

It also seems you may have what is called a co-dependent (or addictive) relationship. It is not healthy for either of you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2017):

Well, if she's out of the picture, you can devote more time to your son; and make up for lost time.

Personally, I don't really see any justification for the lying. Then, it is illogical why you wrote this post if she is abusive; and so angry about the fact you had a son and didn't tell her you went to see him? It's a no-brainer that she can take a walk, it is what it is.

The part that makes me scratch my head is that your reasoning to hide the existence of your own flesh and blood was not to upset her?!!! Is it the son, or the child's mother? Perhaps the child's age dates back to when you first started seeing her; and it was the math you were more concerned about. She'd be able to tell by the child's age if you were seeing another woman while you were with her.

That is the only logical reason I can see this woman being so upset. Not for the reasons you're telling us.

Then you said you didn't choose her over your son. Then perhaps you should read your posts and your own follow-ups; because they all confirm the fact that you want this abusive woman back; although you said she couldn't handle the fact you have a son. So which is it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

Why are you with her? If you have to lie to someone because you're afraid of their reaction, then you shouldn't be with them. You have to grow up and learn to be accountable to yourself first, and find someone that's a good match for you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntYes, you *did* reject your child.

You rejected him when you ALLOWED your girlfriend to delete your picture because she said it looked like your son. By not standing up to her and saying "knock it off", it's a rejection of your son.

You rejected your son when you pulled your son's picture out of your wallet and then lied when she "freaked out". If her freaking out meant violence on you, you should have ended it then. But you didn't stand up for your son then. THAT is a rejection.

Your son lives abroad. It sounds like you haven't seen him since he was a toddler. Keeping in contact or saying you love him? Worthless if he doesn't have access to you. That would be like being hungry and in response being shown a photograph of a delicious meal.

Will that photograph satisfy you when you need the real thing to survive? Of course not! That's what you're doing to your son. He needs you, and what you're doing is reminding him that you exist and thinking about him once in awhile. That is no substitute for the real relationship, just as being shown a picture of a good meal is a substitute for eating an ACTUAL meal!

You rejected your son every single day of the 7 years that you were with this woman. A childhood is so incredibly precious, and it goes by so quickly until the cruel world starts shaping him more than you. You only have so much time to show him the world, to teach him things, to love him in person.

Instead, you traded your son's birthright from you on this horrible woman. You think he doesn't know that? How many times have you seen your son since he was a toddler? HOW MANY TIMES has he come to your country to see YOU? How many times did you care for your son when he was sick, or play sports WITH him? Instead, you were petrified that your girlfriend was accusing you of cheating.

I would say that this woman stole from your son, but you made this decision. You don't have much more time. If you don't stop pining for this awful woman who has ruined you, hurt your son, and belongs in prison for assault, then you might as well say "I have no son".

Instead, use these feelings to GO TO YOUR SON. How many people get injured in sports? You owe her NOTHING! She is no saint to have "cared" for you while you were getting better.

I'd SAY that she was looking for an excuse to dump you, but during your vacation, she was digging all over Facebook about you. She follows up on a 6-year old lie. Obviously by you mentioning that you haven't strayed in the same paragraph as you getting injured, she has terrorized you with her insecurity. She weaponized her anger and used it to manipulate you and imprison you, alienating you from your true flesh and blood.

I'm guessing that she's trying to manipulate you even now with her freezing you out like this. It's still "vacation", and after 7 years, she freezes you out like you mean nothing. People who emotionally abuse others on a regular basis do that, and they do it to hurt their target.

She's going to try to get back with you, and the abuse cycle will be at the "sweet" part, where she'll promise it will be different, that she has had time away from you, that you didn't mean to lie (you'll realize that nothing will be her fault, but she'll pour a thimble full of affection, just enough to put you back in chains), and you'll go back to her and turn your back on your son again. Then it'll feel like magic to you at first, until the anger and short temper starts building up, culminating in more abuse.

You say that she's better after 2 years in terms of your son. She's not better. She's "better" because you placated her. She would be different if your son and his mother lived locally.

And for the love of GOD, stop talking about how you lied to her! SHE isn't the one you need to make amends with. You're rejecting your son every time you feel remorse about lying about him to her. That's what's horrible here! You're all upset because she's offended that you saw your son. She digs all over Facebook and finds a picture of your son and uses it to hurt you with. That is horrible. It was AT THIS TIME you could have looked her in the eye and said "Yes, I saw my son, and YES, I made a mistake lying to you about it. The mistake wasn't in lying to you. The mistake was that I allowed you to make me feel bad about being with him. Yes, I spent time with my son. I love him. Deal with it."

Stop talking about lying to her. Start talking about the future of your relationship with your son. Go seen him now. Like Honeypie says, cut this woman off. Block her. Change ALL of your passwords to everything because I guarantee she's still combing facebook, your email, your Cloud, everything just to follow up on how much pain she's inflicting on you.

Yes, it's 7 years, but fill your mind with what you'll teach your son. You and him seeing a game together (you never mentioned which sport you play). Your little boy may have the makings of being a good player like you are! It's amazing how children of famous athletes follow their father's (and mother's too!) footsteps. Walking and talking with him IN PERSON, you'll know and feel such joy with him. But wait too long, and he'll become a teenager. Even with parents who didn't leave their children, that's the time when those kids start testing and questioning. They need you just as much then as when they're little.

Stop rejecting your son. Become part of his life as you never have before. DO NOT waste this opportunity. You have a real chance to be free!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (10 January 2017):

chigirl agony auntYou had reason to lie. Your girlfriend is abusive. You should not take her back. Believe me, this is just manipulation and her punishing you. She will try to take you back, pretending she is being kind in doing so. Do not take her back, for you and your sons sake.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMy husband had 3 kids before I met him, he had married REALLY young, had 2 kids then divorced. And then he had another kid with the GF he dated after the divorce.

I would NEVER in a million years have told him that he couldn't SEE his kids or be the father THEY needed.

It's NOT normal for a person to make such demands. She is either a very insecure person, jealous, and controlling person and none of those traits are good for a healthy relationship.

I DO think you are WAY better off without her.

So learn from this. No more lying and don't AGREE to something if you don't agree. As on don't say I won't see my kid when you really do. Being in a relationship doesn't mean either you or her BEND all the time, sometimes you just have to compromise.

She was looking for a reason to end it. This lie was the best ammo she could find. I'd BLOCK her number and BLOCK her on social media and tell the family to do the same. Time for you to move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honey pie,

I wish there was more. But like I said we got together and she knew I had a child. She said she couldn't handle it so I ended it and went away for two weeks. I met my son for 2 days on the other side of the world as we were both in same place at same time.

When I got back home we got back together and she freaked when I pulled a picture of my boy out of my wallet. I hid the fact that I met him when away for that reason.

Listen I lied I get that and it was wrong but listening to what people are saying I'm starting to see sense...bloody hell she once deleted a picture of me because I looked like my kid in it.....this is what I USED TO PUT UP WITH!!

I never once rejected my child, I saw so much good in this lady that I thought I would eventually see her maternal side but alas when we broke up she said how she didn't want kids.

Now I'm no saint and I'm annoying I play sports get injured and she had to deal with them things but I never strayed or went back to my child's mom as you suggested. I stayed faithful to her for 7 years and after the first 2 and half years she accepted my son but now ended it over the lie.

I value all your opinions very highly, but there's no more to this than I have said. I shouldn't of lied yes but I had my reason to, I know it was wrong to both lie and hide the fact I met my child. But reading all these comments the whole situation was wrong!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou need to show your child what's acceptable and what isn't - staying with an abusive person is not okay.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think OP is maybe not telling the whole truth here.

I don't think it's about NOT seeing the kid, but NOT seeing the MOTHER of said kid.

I can't see how ANYONE in their right mind would DEMAND or AGREE to never see his child again. EVER.

But in short, yes LYING can break up a relationship. Even if the lie is an OLD one. It means that you would say one thing to her face and do whatever you wanted anyways. Not exactly the deeds of a trustworthy person.

YOU should NEVER have agreed to not see your kid. She could have taken a HIKE back then.

I think, however, you are BETTER off without this woman. If she felt you can't be a good partner AND a good dad to your child at the same time, she is obviously controlling and selfish to a degree that is not normal.

Focus on yourself and building a relationship with your child. Your recent ex is NOT a good partner for a man who has a kid.

There is so much more to this story, I bet.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

She's brutal, crazy, and selfish. Let her go, and see your son whenever you want and as often as he wants to see you.

I see no reason to want someone who hits you, doesn't want you to see your child, and has something against an innocent little boy. Even worse, you are forced to lie to protect the child. That makes no sense, by the way.

Sir, can't you see how unstable that woman is? What if for some unforeseen reason you suddenly obtain sole-custody of the child? She'd show her true colors that are far from pretty. Let's say you're with her at the time. Would you trust that woman alone with him?

Reconciliation seems out of the question; because you're dealing with a jealous, violent, and unstable woman.

The true definition of "blind-love," is stupidity. Look at the full-picture, not just what pleases your heart and penis.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

OK, OP, so you did not stop seeing your child.

But that is not the point.

She hates the fact you have a child and a relationship with that child. So much so that you had to HIDE it from her. So much so that she was abusive to you about it. So much so that when she found out you were still maintaining that relationship, she LEFT YOU point blank!

Do you see the problem????

Yes, I get that you love her but love is blind. You do not see all her faults and red flags. Why would you stay with someone like that? Do you like the abuse? Do you like to be disrespected? Treated like dirt? Do you like for your child to be hated?

Better let her go. For your own sake and your son's.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntShe is abusive and controlling. Sure she will be back. This kind of person never easily releases their victims. The real question which has been stated many times already is "Why do you want her back?"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

I log in as slippers but rushing . I read this and thought

I have a qs .. why do you even want to ? ?? I was absolutely speechless and that's a first for me . Honestly .. I mean she sounds like a catch . Not !!

Take some time away and reevaluate this . I think you've actually been blessed .. kiss the ground and walk away .. in fact sorry run .. and I am so are many on here .. we look deeper into what's said as we all know we are only getting a piece of the situation and your venting .. but to keep you away from your child not want to hear about him like he doesn't exist .. make you choose .. and you chose wrongly btw . Is despicable and sorry I detest labelling peeps but utterly low of her .

Take care and I'd take this as a new beginning

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry guys to clarify, I never chose her over my child, I never ever stopped seeing my child I love the bones of him but for the first 2 and a half years I couldn't tell this woman I was seeing him or it didn't go down well. Thanks so much for the help on this matter. I really appreciate it all. Finding it tough at the minute.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

My question is why have you stayed in a 7 year relationship with this kind of a woman?

No, we women don't love the fact our man has a kid with another woman. Of course not. However, most of us do not go as far as asking our partner to annihilate that relationship and totally disown his son. To cut his own flesh and blood out of his life so that he can appease our selfishness, thoughtlessness, possessiveness, and heartlessness.

You are probably feeling very guilty for bowing to her wishes. You know it was wrong and that you should never have done such a thing. You invested 7 years in her. And now, she is just gone in the blink of an eye. And this hurts. Not only because you were in it for the long haul but because you gave up your own son for her and now it appears you have done it all for nothing. You cannot go back in time and undo a mistake. What you can do is hopefully move forward and re-establish a connection with your child. In many cases, if both are willing, you can have a relationship and move forward. That is IF the son is not bitter and unforgiving. Like your ex was. But it is always worth finding out. You were not there for the first 6 years but you have the rest of your lives to make up for that.

I suggest you let her go. She made her choice. I don't know what woman would be so unforgiving. We women tend to give a lot of chances to the men we love or are at least open to understanding and forgiveness. She does not love you. I am sorry. For her to leave you in a heartbeat over a white lie you told that was designed to not rock the boat, is proof. We women fight for our relationships. We hang on. We try and try. For us to give up takes a lot. She likely had given up on you long ago. She just needed a good reason in her own mind.

No woman is worth abandoning your child over. ESPECIALLY the one who ASKS YOU TO DO IT FOR HER.

She never loved you. She just wanted to control you. Have a puppy dog there at her whim. For her own ego. Love is about understanding and compromise and forgiveness. She has no idea what any of those things are. And frankly, I think you can do better. Your focus now should be on your son. And on your own life. Keep yourself busy with new priorities. It is the dawn of a new year. Leave her behind and move on. Sorry, it sounds harsh. But she is nothing but trouble. And I would suggest she gets some therapy to control her anger problems. To hit you is abuse. Not only is it wrong but it is against the law. So what if a woman hits a man, it is still violence and not acceptable. And you can press charges if you so wish. Think about it. If you ever had kids with her, what kind of a mother would she be? I have a pretty good idea. And how would she treat them if she ever lost her temper? You know the answer. Some things are better left in the rear view. I wish you well moving forward. You deserve better. Head high.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntYour son is 8 years old, and you allowed a woman to make you choose between your son, your own flesh and blood, and her?? I understand a woman taking issue with an ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend, but anyone who would actively alienate someone from their own child is a really horrible person.

The fact that this woman has hit you before, has assaulted you, why would you stay and allow that?? Had the situation been reversed, a man who gets angry and hits his wife or girlfriend should be locked up in jail, and the woman serving as his punching bag should leave him for good. It's an absolute no-brainer!

So you have a woman who has hurt your son deeply by denying him access to his father. She beats on you whenever she gets angry, and your worry is whether YOU were in the wrong by lying to her and her finding out you denied your own son??

DON'T MARRY HER!!! Don't *want* her to reconsider! YOU are the one who needs to reconsider who you are and where your life is going. This woman is extremely toxic and not a good person to have done what she's done to you and most heartbreakingly to your own son, who will one day grow old enough to feel the pain of your rejection so profoundly that it will shape and change the very fabric of his nature.

You are failing your son. No one should get in the way. I can only guess that you are thinking the way you are because of the extreme control this woman has had over you. DO NOT get back with her. Slowly, you'll look around and realize that you are so much better off without her in your life.

I mean, COME ON - she's spending your vacation together digging around on social media, stalking your relatives, and tracking your every move?? You lied to her because that sort of paranoia and accusations and violence and her rage issues have been controlling you! Guys who have to report the mileage on their vehicles to their jealous and controlling partners lie for the same reason!

There *has* to come a time where you not only stand up for yourself, you stand up for your son. What if you DID marry? You want her to beat the crap out of you every time you make a child support payment to your son? If she can cut you off from your own son, you think that will ever stop or be enough? Her paranoia and controlling and obsessive nature will never stop. It will only get worse, and you've been in a co-dependent fog of appeasement for 7 years now.

Go seek help from a counselor to help you untangle her grip from your skull. STOP contacting her and grovelling to her. Let this end, because it has turned you into a quivering empty terrified shell of the man you once were.

The more you stay away. The more you see the world as it is, the better you will be, the happier you will be, the stronger you will be!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPlease, OP, don't be selfish. Your son, regardless of who his mother is, should *always* come first.

When you have children, you have to live for them more than yourself, until they are old enough to live independently. You should *never* choose a partner who doesn't accept your children.

If you haven't been paying child support, start. If you never see your child, arrange to start - even if it's over Skype.

If you want her back and she's willing to, you and your child(ren) are a package deal! You can't let go of your parental responsibilities for a partner.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2017):

N91 agony auntSounds like she's done you a favour. Making you miss your child growing up so that you can have the pleasure of her company?

I wouldn't even be worrying about her, if I were you I'd be trying to make amends with my son and trying to get into his life for all you've missed out on.

I grew up without my dad and he chose a woman over his 3 kids so I know how shit it feels.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2017):

Denizen agony auntThis doesn't sound like a woman you should be tied to. I think you will eventually count your lucky stars for the release.

To call you out on a white lie so long ago shows a very unforgiving nature. If you were to bend on this you will forever be under the thumb.

It also sounds like an excuse for her to get out of the relationship.

Sorry but I don't think this is a relationship you want to be in, even if there were a hope. Hold your head up. Keep strong and don't look back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

She was looking for a reason to dump you. Fact is she never got over you having this kid. All these years it festered and the resentment grew and grew. I really hope you have gotten a DNA test. It would really suck to go thru all this drama if the kid was not really yours.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 January 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntPersonal opinion here ...

any person, male or female, who forces another person to chose between them and a child is not worth two pinches of goat shit!

I hope, even though you chose her over a child, that you supported your child financially and materially, ensuring he had a roof over his head, food in his belly and shoes on his feet, even if you neglected his emotional and spiritual needs.

Are you going to reconsider your child's welfare, is your (currently ex) going to reconsider your child's welfare, what is her stance going to be if you get married, and what are you going to tell your children, if you have any with her, about their brother you abandoned because their mother didn't want to know about him.

Yes, I know I haven't answered your question about the possibilities of reconciliation, maybe there is, somebody else might be able to put a more positive view on it for you.

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