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Can a relationship survive if there is no intellectual compatibility at all?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 April 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 April 2017)
A female Egypt age 18-21, *eSuisGigi writes:

So I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, going on 8.

It was really good in the beginning but now it feels like things changed, at least for me.

He's one year younger than I am, and that didn't seem like a problem at first because I thought he was mature for his age. But I think I judged incorrectly.

During our first meet-ups he used to talk about his ambitions and his plans for the future, business talk and all that, which incredibly moved something in me.

After spending that much time with him, it feels like he's more of a talker and less of a doer.

He's kind of a slack, doesn't go to college or study for it, doesn't look for any work opportunities, doesn't work on his health like working out and such.

He literally does nothing all day long.

Moreoever, he has no intellectual interests, at least none that are compatible with mine. He doesn't like reading, philosophical discussions, psychology, science in general. Nothing.

And doesn't seem interested when I talk about any of these things.

And the thing is, he doesn't have anything to talk about either. Just funny videos/ standup comedies/ TV shows. Which of course is fine, but that's all he is capable of discussing.

This kind of makes me resent him a bit, because I feel like he doesn't add anything to me.

But on the other hand, I'm so attached to him emotionally, I can't picture myself not talking to him on a daily-basis like we do, or hearing his voice ever again.

And of course if we break up, this has to happen so I'm not rude and leave him hanging.

So I don't really know what the right choice to make is?

Can a relationship survive if there is no intellectual compatibilty at all?

View related questions: ambition

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A female reader, JeSuisGigi Egypt +, writes (16 April 2017):

JeSuisGigi is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone for your kind contributions, you helped a lot to make a decision now all it takes is the implementation which I know is hard but I will try to do.

Also thank you Aidan for the rational discussion of the matter.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2017):

Nature will take its course. Some things just undo themselves when it's not working. You'll drift apart anyway.

You're doing your best not to have to tell him he's been friend-zoned!

Caution: Don't let sex be the reason that is holding you together. That's usually the case, in the scenario you've described. Another is, feeling sorry for his puppy-eyed boyishness. There's usually a dismal pool behind those eyes. "The lights are on, but nobody's home upstairs!" You can't always carry the conversation and do all the thinking for two. It's like having a life-sized Ken doll! All you can do is dress it up!

Compatibility is what makes the relationship adhesive. If there are no common-interests; he's just arm-candy, or a chaperone. A faux-boyfriend; just so you can tell everybody you have a boyfriend. It's better to start your own fan-club or get a pet.

You say you feel he's a slacker and lacks ambition; then you will subconsciously build reasons to be psychologically/emotionally unavailable. He doesn't meet standards you actually set for yourself!!! Then you are merely tolerating him for the sake of his company. Settling!

That's not exactly how he wants to develop a connection with you; nor is it the way he wants to be perceived. Boredom alone weighs it down. He wants you to feel you're both equals. You don't seem to feel you're on the same level!

You say you don't want to lose him because you will miss him; but that is only the fear of loss. You aren't a good match; so you're forcing it to work.

He will start to notice the loose-connection. He will sense your boredom or condescension. At times, your frustration will surface and you will hint or tell him how dumb you think he is. That will usually come-out during a fight.

Once you say it, you can't take it back!

I think you should be honest, and learn to build romantic-relationships based on loving-feelings AND compatibility.

At your young age, this is your rehearsal for life. You'll keep doing it; and wind-up with losers and flimsy relationships in the future.

You can DATE a guy just for fun, but you don't make him your full-time boyfriend; if he doesn't possess the attributes and character-traits that fulfill your needs. You have a right to set standards and boundaries. A good-match will add something to your life, and leave a lasting impression that will always remain highly-regarded in your heart. Even a not-so-good match may add something you may grow from; but they shouldn't be kept around too long. What they lack will cause conflict and disagreement. Even resentment!

Don't develop a Florence Nightingale or nurse-maid-mentality now; or you'll always be taking in strays and rejects. They are usually so cute, sexy, and even adorable; but that's not enough. Unless he's a puppy!(Sexy doesn't apply here!)

You don't dismiss all the things you are searching for in a guy just to avoid loneliness or because you pity him. You will hurt his feelings just as much if he knows you have a very low opinion of him. He will interpret that as thinking he isn't good enough. They may even say that if you breakup with them; but they also know the real reasons. Unless they are profoundly stupid.

You've sited a lot of flaws, if not deal-breakers, sweetheart! Go with your gut! Learn now or pay later!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNo, it's not.

I had a BF (my second one) who was a gorgeous person inside out but we just didn't share anything besides music and movies in common. Intellectually we just weren't compatible. We did remain friends afterward.

We lasted a good 9'ish months when I kind of realized that so many things just went way over his head.

YOU can care and love someone even IF they are NOT a good match for you. And you CAN care and love someone and realize that you are both better off not being together.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (15 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntNo. This relationship can not survive. If you're thinking long term, as in marriage, this man is not for you. If you're just looking for someone to kill some time with, however, then this is the right boy. And I would use the word boy for him, not man, because he is a boy and acts like a boy. Not a grown up, not an adult.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017):

Its easy to be critical when you are in a relationship but should you be alone he may well become the guy you lust after!

There is only so far you can go talking about science and psychology and so on!

In a romantic novel you would discuss something along those lines and then realise you have something in common and stare into each others eyes and just know he is "the one!"

In romantic novels only!

In real life those intellectual discussions are less important.

You could join a science group but it wouldnt mean there is a partner there for you!

Saying how much you would miss him is more about reality.

There is a way in which this guy has been part of your life without him taking part in a seminar!

You dont need anyone to add something to you because you are fine as you are!

What I sense is a slight shift in your roles.

You are starting to feel like mum to him because he isnt working and presumably you are paying all the bills which puts the relationship into an unbalanced state!

Tell him to get work and make it clear that there is no future together unless you both contribute financially!

If he walks away you could get a puppy or kitten because they are cheaper to keep and very loyal!

You will love your animals on a day to day basis but you will never have intellectual discussions with them!

But people tend to believe that their company enhances their life!

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (15 April 2017):

I think you probably know the answer to this question. You see a host of problems and that you both have nothing in common. You don’t stay because there is something about this relationship that you think makes it worth saving, but because you’re afraid to be on your own. You’ve got comfortable with him, used to him being around and having him as a part of your life. But sometimes you have to know when the best thing is to let go, even if it’s hard in the shorter term. “I feel like he doesn’t add anything to me,” you write. Okay, so if it’s having some-one close to talk to, use this as an opportunity to make new friends and meet people who do share your interests.

This is not about age or maturity. It’s about you and him being miles apart and having nothing in common. The kindest thing for both of you is to end things I’m afraid.

I wish you all the very best.

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