A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I've got in to a big mess and take full responsibility and need some advice. Please don't judge me as I hate myself enough right now.....8 years ago I met a wonderful man whilst visiting some friends in another part of the UK. We hit it off immediately and had a long distance relationship (we lived 5 hours away from each other) for a few of years until he decided to move to my town. He basically relocated and left his job, friends and mum to be with me. Fast forward a couple more years we got engaged... Before we got engaged I was having doubts about the relationship - the inital "spark" we had seemed to have disappeared but I assumed this was normal after 4/5 years. When he proposed I said "yes"- I guess I was more excited with the beautiful ring he got me than the actual prospect of spending our lives together. I know -very selfish on my part.We then bought a house together and I still had my doubts and even less of a spark but just kind of went along with it as I was desperate to move out of home and knowing I could never afford a house on my own with my single salary- but combined we could. Yes- once again me being selfish.Anyway before I knew it we were planning a wedding and honeymoon and it's not what I wanted-I guess I should have said something sooner but part of me was scared to be alone, part of me felt guilty after he had done so much, part of me relied on him financially as he earns a fantastic wage and provides me with a lifestyle I couldn't ever have without him. I want to make it clear I do work and earn my own money (it's not a fantastic salary)and pay part of the mortgage and bills but he pays the majority of it. Also he is very generous with his cash and often buys me designer things and treats me to weekends away etc.....so I know he can take care of me and provide me with security I'll never have.The other problem I have is that his dad died when he was a teenager (he is now 37) so it's always been just him and his mum and he had no brothers or sisters so he always admitted to me that a great fear of his is to lose his mum and be completely alone- he doesn't have much family. So because of all these things - my security and financial situation and the fact that I'd feel so guilty just leaving him just with his mum that I've been unable to leave him. To complicate things I've developed feelings for another man. Nothing has or will ever happen with this guy, I won't go in to detail but I keep fantasising about this other man, marrying him, making love to him etc... The feelings I have for this guy is so much stronger for anything I ever felt for my fiancé and It's driving me crazy and often leave me in tears as he's the one I want but can't have- yet I have the perfect fiancé and can't be happy!!I feel like I'm going crazy. All I'm doing is crying randomly and dreading my wedding. My boss even called me in to her office as she noticed I was in tears a lot- i can't go on like this...I'm scared to leave him as I don't want to hurt him- he loves me so much but he deserves better....Could I still get married and make the best of it? I honestly don't think I have the strength to call it off- the wedding is in August.Can a marriage without one side of love last?I will be faithful as I could never cheat and live with the guilt. And I know this is my Karma for being a selfish cow in the 1st place.
View related questions:
engaged, long distance, money, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 While he is trying to create sparks for you, apparently, you have been creating sparks with some other guy. So you have an emotional betrayal and your heart is not with the guy who works at making you happy.
I think you need to do him a favor and follow where you heart is because where your heart is that's where your treasure will be.
Perhaps you are infatuated with that other guy, perhaps not. But you are very convincing that you harbor no love for the man you want to marry, so why marry? Cancel now because "what if" regrets are much easier then regrets of being in a marriage you wish you never were.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): I was in tears before my marriage and guess what after 10 years I am divorce in more tears. I felt bad for him I couldn't say no and now after10 years I hurt him even more. One simple no! could save me and him 10 yeras. Start from square 1 again! It will be very hard later to get divorce I wish I called my marriage off 10 years ago with no kid!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): Go into an unhappy marriage and you will be more unhappy. You will also have all those he is close to to answer to ie his family and friends. Do you really want that hanging over you. Can you take your vows and lie?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): If you call off the engagement, he'll be temporarily devastated. But time will pass, he will heal and move on. Chances are, he will be able to find a woman who loves him. He's 37, not 80.
If you marry him, you'll both be miserable.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (25 April 2015):
I think you need to call off the wedding. I know it will be hard and he'll be upset, but you shouldn't be dreading your own wedding to the point that you're in tears all the time - you should be excited!
Marriage takes work at the best of times and often even the most passionate of couples eventually have to work to keep the spark alive. It doesn't sound like your spark has ever really been there at all, so it will be infinitely harder for you to keep things going if you stay for the long term.
I have to say that I disagree with the people who say you have a good man so you you should stop looking for more. Just because he's a good man doesn't mean he's the right one for you, and it sounds to me like you've known that for a while. Yes you've made mistakes in dragging things on longer than you should have, but what's done is done now.
Now you are going to have to be brave and end this relationship as you both deserve much better. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 What you have is a problem of plenty.
You have a guy who adores you, pampers you, indulges you, loves you and yet you're not happy. I doubt if you ever will be. You have something that most girls would kill for and yet you say you don't feel the "spark". And you're pining for the other guy so much that you're constantly in tears!!
Seriously, just let go of your fiance. Do him the biggest favor that you can and let go of him. Believe me, he'll find someone else. Yes he'll be devastated but he certainly deserves better and he'll get over it with time. He knows how to deal with loss...he's dealt with the death of his father and doesn't have much family yet he's made a success of his life. He's a fighter. He'll come out of it fine. Don't worry about him. Its YOU who you should be worried about.
By all means, run to the other guy. You seem to have a very romanticized illusion of what the other guy is and the "spark" that you have with him. In less than a year, you'll be writing here again about what a mess you are in yet again.
Please show your fiance this post that you've written because I think he most certainly deserves to know that not only are you in love with someone else, you're fantasizing about making love with the other guy. You are already cheating on him...yes...emotional cheating is as good or as bad as physically cheating on someone.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 April 2015):
 You've mentioned a few times you don't feel the same as you did when you first got together with him, therefore to marry this man when you don't love him would be the most selfish thing you could do.
You need to tell this man immediately how you feel to avoid hurting him any more when you're going to have to divorce him further down the line and be entitled to some of his finances whig you're already very selfishly taking.
I'm usually pretty impartial when I'm giving advice because everyone has things that they're dealing with and obviously I'm not in your shoes, but you need to stop thinking about yourself for a minute and think about how much you're going to tear this poor man apart when you agree to go into a marriage built on unrequited love.
This man could be getting married to a woman who loves him as he loves her and he could be treating her to all these lovely gifts and spoiling her instead of someone who feels nothing for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 I believe it can, but on certain conditions.
You said you don't have the strength to call off the wedding. It's a common thing to say rather than suffer long term, why not pull the plug now? Do you have the strength to do the following long term:
Create the spark and make him feel you are in love with him?
Stop fantasizing other men and entertain the what ifs?
Never, ever, admit these doubts you have with him, not now, not 10 years later, not on his death bed.
Enjoy sex with him and never deprive him of it.
Be happy and stop thinking in terms of: spark means happy, no spark means sacrifice and suffering.
Appreciate what you have, feel grateful for him and that he deserves someone like you for being such a good wife. A good wife is so much more than just not cheating. Will you be able to make each other so happy that it does not feel like settling at all?
...............................
|
