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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ok so my boyfriend and I have decided to get married before sex. This is his decision. I am divorced on my mid thirties and he is on his mid twenties and saids to be a virgin. Well turns out he's religious aswell. When we kiss and fondle heavily , he supresses his eerections. Supposedly he can control them. I touch his privates while we kiss , he seems to be very much into it but no erections. He claims to think on something else to avoid them. Is that possible? I ask him why (because it turns me off) and he tells me he does it to suppress the urge of having sex with me (for religious reasons). I'm confused! Could it be that he has problems? What if I marry a man with erectile disfunction? Is it possible for men to control erections when they're with a woman? Or could it be something else? (Is it me?)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 April 2014):
 First you need to stop blaming yourself, that isn't helping.
Secondly, I think YOU need to slow down in your dating "game" you were ready to marry this guy and had no idea about his religion/faith and how you would fit in.
I think you are so in love with the IDEA of love that you blindside yourself with the first man that shows you attentions, thinking:" OH he MUST be it."
Go slow. GET to know the man, his personal beliefs, his values, morals, religious and spiritual ones. Don't JUST talk on the computer or over texts. SPEND time with them. When RED FLAGS appear, and you need to learn or be more aware of those, it's time to either walk away or talk about it - not stick your head in the sand.
And LOOK inwards a little bit. LOOK at the last (let's say) 3 men you dated. Can you go back and see what you ignored (because you wanted a partner so badly) so you in the future can recognize that in a man and not GET into a relationship.
It's not being a failure, not finding a man. I would actually find it more of a failure staying with some creep JUST to say I have a man.
Stop settling.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys seems like its done. He didnt contact me at all yesterday. He usually calls or texts me but he didn't. Feels like im back to my solitude again. I cried of anger and despair. I though I found the one. I cant understand why everything goes wrong for me especially when I try so hard. Now its all about neutralizing myself and hoping to get over this. I dont know if I became the problem? If I caused it to end? What's my problem? I cant hold on to a man. First one walks out on me and my son , I last five years single and I find another man who was cheap and unwilling to form a relationship. Then I wait two years and I fall into this crazy JW who puts all the blame on me. sometimes I wish I was never born. I hate my way of life. This is not normal.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 It would be another failure if you stayed with him. Recogizing when something can't work and can't make you happy, and refusing to be manipulated any further, it's not failing, ot's WINNING.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2014):
 You can do better than this rather odd manipulative man. Red flag, red flag, red flag. You're in your 30s, you're not done with dating decent men just yet, are you? No, of course not. Chin up, smile, move on and don't listen to him anymore, he's the rude one. And by that I mean, break up, end it, don't communicate anymore, just move on!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep he is Jw. Doesn't work. He'll find a problem with every job he getz and declines and drinks occasionally when I bet it's not allowed with jw. I'm getting discouraged. I really wanted him to be the one. Already 35 and I feel so freaking hopeless. Another failure. Yesterday I told him how I notice that he likes to turn on women then leave them horny. He laughs at that and even admits to leaving a woman in bed half done. I told I was going to stop petting with him. He said: Noooo! Why?. I'm just done. I'm so angry that things have to end up the way they do. Then he starts talking about this woman who used to like him and how he's helping her out to find a place. I spoke about how uncomfortable it made me feel. He said I was reacting rudely.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 April 2014):
Yes, well, - ok let's suppose he is not gay and not impotent and not anything. He is just a little nervous, or he really can control his erections . He will have sex after marriage.
Then, WHEN is this marriage going to happen ? has the date been fixed yet ?. Or, does he know how much he should wait ( and WHAT you should wait for ) before he can officially propose and fix the date ?...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2014):
"Im so scared to loose again. I found a man who is nine years younger than I am. I am divorced with one child. He never been married and no kids. However he is of another religion.
"I am afraid of loosing him because of it. A lot of elder females from his congregation advise him to choose a woman from the group. He saids all of them are older and does not attract him.
"Today I saw two young gals giving out fliers of his same religion. I immediately felt insecurity because ive been feeling him distant.
"He gives me mixed messages that I don't understand. The thought of this not working out breaks me apart. Im a very lonely woman and have suffered a lot of heart breaks. How do I approach him about this without looking insecure?
"Sometimes I think about breaking it off before he does. This is depressing me. Am I making a mountain out of mohairs? Or should I just break it off?"
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This was your most recent post on him. I've seen other posts from you on this same guy. None of them have good news. They just keep reinforcing that he's kind of weird and you would so like him to want you enough to ignore his church stuff.
You say you are worried about losing him, you are trying very hard to keep him interested in you. I get that you are scared of losing him. The thing is, you don't really have him. He's not available in the way you want.
Aunts responding here have asked a lot of questions and the ONLY one you respond to is the question about his sexual orientation.
You have so many other questions, why are you ignoring those?
I'm sorry if you are hurting and unhappy. This guy is not going to be the one who makes it better. He has his own issues and to be very clear, you are not his future wife. He's just using you to work through those weird awkward issues.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2014):
Do you have a date set for the wedding and will it be at his church?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 April 2014):
 After reading both your questions I gotta say you are barking up the wrong tree, Girlfriend. There is not one good slant I can get on this situation, everything spells train wreck. Time is a mighty precious commodity, don't waste anymore of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont get these gay suggestions. Yesterday I had to express how uncomfortable it made me feel when I caught him starring at this girl's ass. Which makes it worst.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (2 April 2014):
 Why is it if a guy wants to wait for sex after marriage mean that he has erectile dysfunction. IF a woman said that I bet the comments would have been different, like how he should respect your wishes and you should do what you are comfortable with.
SO if he said he has a brain tumour then you don't marry him? Woman also have issues like some cannot climax, so why be hard on a guy assuming he does have a problem. Yes marriage is about commitment, love, respect and sex. All these aspect we work on. You need to decide if he has a sex problem, do you bail? Or you willing to wait for him?
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 April 2014):
With all due respect Mr Clark, every gay man I know has has sexual experiences with women, especially those that are closeted. They're often quite vociferous about it, aggressive. Because they ARE in denial. They're "supposed" to be with a woman, so they pursue it aggressively. But in the end it isn't feasible.
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (2 April 2014):
In my estimation, he wouldn't have put your hand on his crotch if he was gay.
He might be extremely inexperienced with women and feels anxiety when you touch him. I had this issue when I was younger, but it went away after I'd been with a few women.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to know for sure if he has a more serious problem or if it's just rookie stage fright.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 Oh yeah, agreed on the gay theory. He is a JW, they would kick him out if they knew he was gay, so his goal is to get married to a woman to function as his alibi. That explains why he wants to marry, why he is pushing for sexual things (to not lose your interest), but why he doesn't get an erection. He's just not turned on by women!
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (1 April 2014):
Just wanted to throw out something nobody else has yet. He could be gay and very much in denial about it. Religion is great for that sort of thing.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 April 2014):
SVC's answer is great, I think "waiting until marriage" is often used to hide sexual dysfunction, insecurities, and other issues.
I know someone who claims to be waiting till marriage for some vague religious reason but I suspect he's too insecure about his body to do it.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2014):
Just saw your followup. So you have a Jehovahs Witness who is indulging in heavy petting. He pushes your hand toward his crotch but doesn't want to have an erection.
This guy is a bundle of problems. Red flags are waving up and down in vast multitudes. Run!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2014):
 While I am sure there are truly folks who believe that sex before marriage is a bad thing, I think that for many it's a smoke screen to avoid something that they are uncomfortable with or unable to complete.
I think that making out and petting is playing with fire and I think that the fact that he is not getting an erection is suspect.
Personally, not being religious and knowing that compatible sex drives and mores are important for a long term relationship I myself would NOT consider marrying someone who I could not test drive first.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2014):
Is this your boyfriend? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-man-im-dating-belongs-to-a-religion.html
You honestly don't sound compatible at all. He's a virgin in his mid 20s who doesn't seem to become sexually aroused. (Though why you are groping a man who wants to wait for marriage before being sexually active says more about you than about him.) He belongs to a religious group that will not tolerate his marriage to you.
Why are you so latched on to this incompatible man?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): He probably has a very small penis.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I'm getting the why I touch him. While we were kissing he drove my hand to his crotch. I was expecting a reaction. But he was flacid as hell. He initiates everything. We spoke about it but insists that he controls his erections. I wonder if there's something wrong or is it capable to keep it down like that.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 A virgin who does not get turned on by erotic touching? That sounds a bit weird. He may have a sexual dysfunction.
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 As a christian women I am shocked reading that, you seem not to respect the fact he doesn't want to have sex before marriage, why grope him while you kiss as though your trying to tempt him and good on him for not falling for it, you need to look at what you both have in common, Being a christian isn't something you turn off and on, it is about putting God and Jesus before anything else in your life especially your own selfish needs and he shouldn't be putting himself in situations where sex could happen until you are his wife. “Leed us not into temptation" sorry but if it were a man I was dating and kept disrespecting what I believed and pushing for sex or groping me I would send him on his way! Learn more on what he believes and why! Especially if u are thinking of marriage.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 April 2014):
It could be he really can control it, but he'd be the first man I ever hear of. The way most men control it is just to not get themselves in situations where they will get an erection, such as not letting girls sit on their laps, not being touched in specific ways etc. The penis reacts as it naturally does, to a specific touch or setting, and not in accordance with what is appropriate etc.
I do know it is possible to tone it down, by thinking of puppies and granny and other things a man finds completely non-sexual. But in my experience, that only works to hold back an ejaculation, the penis stays just as hard...
If I were you, I'd seriously wonder if he actually has a problem. Maybe not a problem, he might not have erectile dysfunction, he could just not be that into sex in general. It seems to me, those who are older and want to wait with sex often do so because they do not like sex very much, and saying they want to wait until marriage is the perfect excuse to delay it and avoid it.
If you're not a religious person yourself, and you think that sex is a very important part of a relationship, they I don't think you should place your bets on this man. It just sounds very much like he either has erectile dysfunction, and/or he has a very low sex drive, which will mean that even if he can get it up, he will not initiate sex, and he will not have sex with you more than once a month or less...
How often does he initiate these sessions of heavy kissing and petting?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 April 2014):
I think your best bet is to find out what the two of you have in common first. Before considering marriage and sex.
You said, and I quote:"
***Well turns out he's religious aswell. ***
Turns out? Like OOOPS I'm a Jehova's Witness, or OPPS I'm a protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim or what?
If he believes in NO sex, then why are you groping him?
Are you testing his resolve? It is a battle on "wits" going on here?
I think YOU two need to talk more about these religious and other view before even THINKING about marriage.
I have never met a guy who could (successfully) keep a boner down while snogging, but then again I have never dated guys with strong religious convictions and views.
This is more about compatibility then anything else.
If you agree to marry a guy ( Like Auntie Cindy says) without a test drive, then YES, you can end up with a husband who has ED, who is closet gay, who doesn't believe sex should be fun and games, who only will do missionary.... the list goes on. Doesn't mean YOU will. But sure, it's a possibility.
Why on EARTH have you not have this discussion with him? He is supposed to be your husband soon, right? So this should be an topic open for debate/talk.
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A
male
reader, Levsn  +, writes (1 April 2014):
Well, being in my midst twenties, no I can't control my erections, that damn thing has a mind of its own. You can get an erection pretty much without thinking about anything remotely sexual. And because he is a virgin too, something smells fishy. When I hug my date and so on, even when I try to think of something else, an erection will still come.
Though remember, that's me, we guys aren't all the same
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 April 2014):
In all honesty its possible that he thinks of his grandma naked while you're fooling around, but I don't think it's normal to suppress yourself. A normal person would avoid a sexual situation instead of forcing himself to not get a boner. That's just strange.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 April 2014):
This question would be best answered by Uncles than Aunts, FWIW I think ( or, have been told ) that yes to some extent it is possible to control erections, in the sense that a guy can distract himself with non sexual thoughts in order not to have one . Waiting for this to be confirmed or denied by guys, I have a question for you , just out of curiosity :
...but if he is a virgin and you have agreed to only have sex after your wedding,and how come you touch and fondle his privates tryng to make him hard ? What would he DO with an erection that he is not supposed to use ?... Get an orgasm that he is not supposed to have ?...
If you respect his religious views ( not SHARE them , just respect them ) why rather than help him not to sin, you do your best to make him go against his rules ?
Look, personally I am like you, I believe in test driving a car before buying it . But since YOU have given up to your test drive... then do not fiddle with the motor, I'd say...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 April 2014):
There's a number of things it could be which is why its not such a wise idea to leave something so important (sexual compatibility) unknown until its too late.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 I wonder why you are marrying someone who you barely know anything about??
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