A
female
age
36-40,
*assy4Life
writes:Sorry about the length but...Hi Everyone,I'm so sad right now... I just ended a 10 month relationship with a guy that i actually thought i loved. We said we would never leave or walk out on each other.. I had to end it because i was left with no choices. I'm 25 years old, smart beautiful and independent. The reason why my fake fairy tale had to end is because he was not what i deserve, he is 24 not responsible, and am way more stable and mature than he is right now in his life. All my friends told me from the start he is using you and i could do so much better. Personally i dont pick my dates or boyfriend by how much they earn as im financially stable. This is where it all went wrong... his manly hood could not accept that im more successful than him. When ever we drink together he literally hurts my feelings. Last night was the last straw.. when he said some very hurtful things and like and put me down. Breaking up with him today was the hardest thing ever.. because i dont know if its love or lust... because at lunch time i sat and i thought what on earth does he bring into my life.. and the answer was nothing.. except tell me everything i want to hear and im smarter than that... action speak louder than words. He isolated me from all my friends and made it hard for me to even concentrate at work. I worked so hard to get where i am in life and i just wanted someone to share it with. I have never been so intimate and opened my heart to someone the way i did with this guy. I included him in all my future plans. He tried to make me happy and give me a happy relationship, we said we would never leave each other and i left him outside drunk and in tears.. and now he is sending me text how i ended it and gave up on him. Why do i feel so guilty for walking out on him. Why does it hurt. Right now i dont know what life is going to be like after him. I literally would have done anything for him, all i wanted in return was RESPECT and to be treated like a lady. When he is drunk he is so abusive and calls me every name under the stars. its not first or second time.. its countless i just could not deal with it anymore... mentally and physically i feel drained. It went so fast, it was happening so quick, i put everything on the plate for him... he hates the attention i get from other men when we are in public, he dont want me to have any male friends even the ones i knew before i met him. So many things will remind me of him, songs, places and even my bed. My whole house is full of memories of a man that treated me like am worth nothing. I cried so many tears in the past 6 months.. only the first 4 months was beautiful. We would fight and argue drunk or sober and then he would say it will never happen again... and we would kiss and make up. Today i just had no energy left to kiss and make up. I blame everything on myself because i gave him the opportunity to treat me and speak to me like i am worth nothing. Should i feel bad that i left him outside crying and drunk? Should i blame myself for letting it get to this stage?What is Love? Is there such thing as happy ever after. I feel bad, sad and confused right now!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 ... But history is not made by what if and if only.
It is what it is, and it happened what it happened, and what ifs only take you so far .
Ted Bundy , the infamous serial killer, would have been anybody's dream guy IF ONLY . He was handsome, athletic, educated, brilliant, fun, - he even , in his own weird way, had a good heart , because he spent a lot of time doing volunteer work. ONLY, he had this little problem that he was a serial killer. But, if only etc...:)
Resist the etmptation to hyperromanticize the past and glamorourize the unglamorous. You ex was no serial killer, sure, but he was surely a fair sight from being an ideal, no, forget ideal, an ACCEPTABLE partner. At least for you. He had the drinking problem, but, in your own words , you were always fighting anyway " drunk and sober ". " What's love got to do with it ? " says Tina Turner- and says I.
It was lust. It was infatuation. It will go away.
Don't worry, you are doing fine :). it's early days , just one month, it's normal that at times you miss him. Hang in there, and believe it was for the best.
A
female
reader, Sassy4Life +, writes (13 January 2013):
Sassy4Life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are so amazing, thank you so much for the great advice. It's heart warming... It been a month since all this happened and some days I miss him like crazy and some days I feel like thank god I'm out of that relationship. I been concentrating on work, I even joined the gym to keep my mind fresh. The funny thing is most of my friends don't know we broke up and they keep asking me about him and I just say he is fine because for some silly reason part of me still want him in my life but that's no possible because we no longer live in the same country.. The whole reason why he was so horrible to be the last few weeks of our relationship is because he wanted to me to stick with his plans and now follow my own goals.. Selfish I know. I have never felt like this about anyone in my life. So much reminds me of him, I'm still confused if it was love or lust. I don't wanna be with another guy physically, I've never felt so connected with anyone before and now that he is out of my life I feel that was it and I won't have that kid of physical chemistry with anyone else. Before he left the country ... He wrote me this message saying how much he loves me and he will never love another and all I keep doing is reading it all over again thinking what if and why did it all happen or how did it all go wrong ... So many people have long distance relationship ... Why did he ruin everything :-(
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (14 December 2012):
He didn't embarrass you in front of your neighbors. He only embarrassed himself. If you are friendly with your neighbors, perhaps you could smooth things over with them by apologizing and presenting them with a small gift (cookies, wine, flowers...etc).
If you are ever alone and he comes over again: do not let him in and do not let him know you are home. Put your cell phone on silent so he cannot hear it ring if he calls. Quietly call the police and have him picked up again. If you fear he may show up at your work and you have a secretary or similar assistant please ensure that they know what he looks like, that he has been harrassing you, an that he is not permitted in the building.
If you are genuinely concerned that he could harm you or your property out of anger or for revenge you must seriously consider getting a restraining order against him. In a worst case scenario, a restraining order will not keep an abuser away. Please try to make sure you have someone with you at all times. Always be aware of your surroundings if you are alone.
Abusers are almost always charming in the beginning of a relationship. Once you fall in love with them and feel emotionally invested, they begin to change and make demands. Because you are emotionally invested and you genuinely love this person, you give in to the demands even though they hurt you. You tell yourself it is a compromise and things will return to normal once he sees the sacrifices you are making for the sake of your relationship...
...only things never return to the happy normal of the beginning of the relationship because the charming, charismatic, dashing man you fell in love with was only an act to create a facade for his unstable, angry, and very insecure self. Once he thought you loved him no matter what, he showed his true colors.
Abusers are selfish to a fault. They believe that the other person in the relationship is too emotionally invested to break things off. They are also stubborn to a fault. Because he didn't think you would ever actually break up with him, he will likely persist in trying to intimidate you by contacting you inappropriately for at least a few weeks. At some point in the future, he will probably contact you with an apology and beg you for forgiveness and promise to change if you will give him a second chance. You must stand firm and not give in to his pleas. If you do, things might be okay initially...but they always go wrong again and usually things are worse the second time.
Abusers, like your now-ex, do NOT deserve a second chance. A second chance will only provide him with an opportunity to perpetuate his abuse. A second chance only serves as the beginning of a cycle of abuse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 December 2012):
I am sorry that you ( and your neighbours ) had to go through his nightime drunken shenanigans, but.. it must not hava come as a total shock. You could have seen it coming, I guess ? " When he is drunk he is so abusive and calls me every name under the stars, and it's not the first or second time... " It could not end differently.
this is a guy that a) does not handle well his drinks b) is normally and recurrently abusive when things don't go his way.
I understand what you say, that you are more upset about having let this happen to you, than about having lost him ( it figures- losing him is the GOOD part ! ). But this may be a very helpful experience , if you reflect about it, and try to see how you can have brought it upon yourself. Maybe you felt lonely and lowered your standards in exchange of just having somebody ? maybe you are the type that only falls in love when they can " save " the man ?... Who knows. If you take from this bad experience some insight into how your minds work, what are your real fears and wishes, etc., what are the pitfalls to avoid in making your choices , etc. , all in all, you can turn it into a helpful, formative experience, and it will help you to stay away from further love troubles.
Plus, ...if I can be candid.... I understand that when you believe in something and it does not pan out, you get upset, that's normal... but try to be rational and lucid and do not make it more of a drama than it actually is. You have been together only 10 months in total, of which only the first 4 were good.So basically, you only has a functional r/ship for 4 months- enough to develop feelings, but surely not such a lifechanging event, you'll see:) At 25 then ! You've got plenty of years in front of you to make happier, healthier choices.
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A
female
reader, Sassy4Life +, writes (14 December 2012):
Sassy4Life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you guys for the kind advice. It's day 3 now with me blocking him from every where ignored all his calls...Only for him to turn up to my house at 4.30am drunk and when I refused to open the door he started being abusive and calling me a bitch and how he will ruin my life... The shouting and screaming went on for like 2hour until the neighbors complained and the police came. They took him away... Thank god my friend was staying over other wise it would have been too scary to deal with that alone... I feel like he only came to upset me more, he text me saying he hates me... Did someone who speaks to me like I'm a piece of shit ever loved me? He has embarrass me in front of my neighbors and now am worried he might turn up at my work place... I actually can't believe he is putting me through this ... He obviously did not think i would leave him, now that I have made this choice I'm starting to feel so stupid that I even tolerated his behavior all this time... Why is he doing this to me, I thought in a few months one when we are both over each other we could be friends... But I can't be friends with someone who is so disrespectful .. I feel like he never even loved me and was just using me and I was so clueless and stupid ... Getting over him won't be hard but getting over the fact that i let all this happen to me is what hurt more now :-(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): I am a relatively young person, so I may not know much about relationships yet, but I do know one thing. If he abuses you, you DON'T NEED HIM.
All break-ups hurt, because no one every want to break up, it really sucks. But in my opinion you made the right choice completely. Who cares about him? He obviously doesn't deserve you. Now I know one guys opinion is not going to suddenly just make you feel better, but if I were you I would just get myself busy, focus on work and friends, this may not apply to you, but whenever I get really sad I go workout to take my mind off it. I hope you find a better man next time, because you seem like someone who deserves one.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (13 December 2012):
You didn't give up on him. You gave him plenty of opportunities to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Instead, he chose to let his own insecurities cloud your relationship.
Try to focus on work and rebuilding the friendships with people who truly care about you.
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A
female
reader, Rosee13 +, writes (12 December 2012):
Hi Sassy4life,
I'm sorry to hear about your break up and the way you've been feeling throughout this relationship.
First thing first though, it's a relief to know that it ended. Even if it doesn't feel like a relief for you now, I hope it will soon feel like one. Any smart and beautiful woman like yourself deserves someone who would value them and know their worth.
Don't blame yourself, dear. The reality sometime is just simple as the fact that you have not found the right one yet. There is no point looking back and trying to mend this broken relationship. A relationship should be built upon respect, mutual effort and actions. Not words, especially those about building a future together... I know such are very nice to hear and can make you fall in love uncontrollably. I think sometimes we tend to fall in love with the image we want the other person to be, the things we want out of them, and sometimes to the point that we neglect the real person that they really are. And when looking back, you realise he's not what you think he would be, hence the frustrations and disappointments.
He'll need to grow up and hopefully after this, he will. And you, you need to get over this sweetie. Pull yourself together and remind yourself that you are worthy of so much more. No point playing the blame game now. Just take a deep breath, let go and get on with life.
Wish you all the best girl.
Loves
xx
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