A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months. Sex has never been frequent or very passionate on his side... he doesn't even like to kiss either. However, recently he doesn't want sex at all and it's weeks and weeks before he gives it me again, but usually after I've made him feel guilty although I don't do this deliberately. I'm hurt, feel rejected, unattractive and unloved. I massage him, wear sexy clothes, I'm a size 8 lingerie model and dancer so I know I look good, but still he doesn't want to make love. He holds me tight in bed, tells me he loves me, but won't touch me. We live together and it's getting to become a very big problem between us. He says I nag him about it and I'm obsessed with sex, but this simply isn't true in any way. Significantly, he hadn't had sex with his last girlfriend for a full year before they broke up, citing that she wasn't very sexy or into sex. I could say the same about him though. I love him and outside of this our relationship is good. He's a stunning-looking man and we're considered a good couple but his lack of physical effort with me is depressing me. He blames me, saying that I'm too demanding, but he's seriously the only man I've ever experienced any criticism from where sex is concerned, and I'm just so sad and unhappy that he can't show his love to me in this way. I don't ask for much from him ever, just a bit of sexual attention.....sex is meant to be fun and relaxing, but I feel like I'm begging for it, and still never getting any. Please advise you wise people......
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broke up, libido, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 Just because you are a size eight model does not mean you will look good to everyone, there is no perfect body, no one size fits it all. People are attracted to personal preference. It is clear that you two are not compatible with each other, you need more sex and well he either has a very low libido, depressed or stressed or else he simply is not attracted to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2016): Boy, you're probably not going to like this response. It still might be helpful. You could always ignore it.
We all have an instinct and an extrasensory perception about our mates. We know what you're thinking, even when you don't say it.
We also read things between the lines based on subtle digs
and body-language. You may be sending signals that you're totally irritated and annoyed with him. Disappointed in his earning-potential, lack of ambition, or he's slow in many areas. You may be quite outright with your displeasure. You may earn more money, you may be a higher achiever, or quite the opposite. You just may be very high maintenance. He could be breaking his back, feeling inept, and unattractive.
Your boyfriend may sense that you tie your beauty, self-esteem, and desirability all to your sexuality. You don't feel wanted or pretty unless he behaves like a beast every-time you think he should get it up for you. We all age, my dear. Age doesn't steal our beauty. Our attitude about age steals the light and fire; which makes us less attractive to people. We sometimes turn mean, and the cynicism shows.
He may think you're trying too hard, and in the process you're insulting his masculinity in a sly way. "So you can't get it up; and you don't want me, that makes you less than a man." Not in so many words, but certainly in the message. If you have told us, you've told him.
When you first started dating the man, you learned many things about him. This is when you evaluate whether he is your proper match. You don't commit with the intent to make changes and improvements later. Rushing into it, because no better prospects have come your way.
You review his personality, intellect, work-ethic, health, values, and the amount of sexual-chemistry felt between the two of you. Women peak sexually between 35 to 45; but for men, testosterone levels began to decrease after 35. For some guys; so does their sexual-appetite. Often due to poor health, bad nutrition, and lack of exercise.
From my own personal-experience; I notice that I have a ravenous appetite and get pretty horny after a rigorous workout. That increase the blood-flow and raises the testosterone level. It even increases sexual-stamina.
Lying around sucking up a six-pack of beer on the couch just doesn't help a guy. He's got to have physical-activity.
Sometimes we just get very used to the same sex-partner again and again; and the attraction just plateaus just for awhile. Sex is a little routine and predictable. What will really kill a boner; is nagging, mean words, sulking, bullying, and comparing us to other men. Not to mention a stack of bills, an asshole for a boss, and losing your hair.
I don't know you. I do know some things that may make men less interested in sex with a certain partner. We don't get turned-on by a flimsy negligee or bustier and garter belts. It's the lady beneath it. If we're not in the mood, we're not in the mood. We regulate our sexuality and desire just as women do. Either we want sex, or we don't. It doesn't mean we love you any less, or you're not attractive. Yes, some guys masturbate too much. That's either from addiction to it, or boredom with regular sex. Sometimes nature changes us with age. In a few words. We can't help that.
But that isn't your fault.
Women complain about body-shaming, weight-discrimination, and have all sorts of issues with body dysmorphia. Not excluding a plethora of other issues with their self-esteem. News flash! You don't corner the market on that. Our penises aren't machines that can be remotely controlled. It doesn't always rise on-demand. It comes from our brain-center, If the brain ain't in it; there is no physical response by the penis. Although some guys can't seem to keep it down, eventually the day will come. Oh, it will definitely happen at some point.
Gently urge him to get a medical checkup. Sometimes there is some underlying physiological reason, undiagnosed diabetes, depression, oncoming erectile-dysfunction, or exhaustion. All these reasons tells the penis to just chill. Then there is a mismatch in libido. Yours may be much higher, and will at some point start to diminish as well.
If you know you're nice to him. You don't make it a habit of emasculating him in subtle mean little comments; meaning you don't bring-up his sexual-performance during arguments, or shame him for his lack of sexual desire. Then it's on him. Perhaps he's just going through the motions, and his cuddling is meaningless. It's just to appease you.
Maybe he's just not the right guy, and you might consider breaking-up.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 December 2016):
 You're mismatched. Of course he feels pressure to have sex - you want it and will give off vibes for it, but he doesn't want it. My boyfriend's the same, but I'm willing to not make love as often as I crave it, as he's still affectionate.
I think therapy is a good idea, but breaking up is probably inevitable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 December 2016):
 Of course, he blames you. THAT is by far the easy way out... YOU are too demanding, YOU are too fixated on sex.. all your fault...
Let's face it, he just isn't into sex. He may be HOT looking but when it comes to sex he just isn't interested. It's NOT because you aren't sexy enough or attractive enough (and I bet his ex-GF wasn't a dump truck either) - THIS is on him. THIS is who he is. A VERY attractive man with a VERY low libido.
You can decide if you NEED more sex in a relationship or not. If you do need more, then you will HAVE to face it that HE is not compatible when it comes to sex. JUST like he wasn't compatible (sexually) with his ex.
Living together, of course, makes it harder to walk away from. But how is it OK for him to blame YOU for his lack of libido?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 December 2016):
 Is he depressed? I do think he's right that sex or pressure to have sex probably comes up more than you realize if you're an underwear model wearing sexy clothes and dancing (if it's the exotic kind). I'm wondering if there is some kind of middle ground you can reach. Can he use vibrators on you? And maybe in an environment where it's not An Event, like maybe just as you two are spooning watching TV. If there is no compromise, I wouldn't stay, it's an irreconcilable difference.
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A
female
reader, Cestlavie +, writes (3 December 2016):
Is he stressed or upset about anything? Maybe it's not you and it really is him. Or maybe he's just not a very sexual person. This is causing a big strain in your relationship and it sucks that you have to constantly ask. If everything is fine and he has no underlying issues maybe he could see a doctor about it. I believe there are medications to increase libido. He has to be willing to meet you halfway if he wants to salvage your relationship.
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