New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login240515 questions, 1064966 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Boyfriend's addiction to porn is ruining our relationship

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2007) 14 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2008)
A female Australia, anonymous writes:

Iv been with my bf for 3 years, im 20 and his 25, the problem is I work all day and when I come home I often find evidence that he has been getting off to porn, it really bothers me because he says that his sex drive is low do to some medications he is on, yet he still has time to look at porn and by the evidence i find it does not look like his having any problems. im lucky to get sex once a month, while I found that his porn gets attention atleast 10 to 15 times a month. in the past this was a problem and i explained to him in a calm way about how it makes me feel, yet he totally dis-regards my feelings and tells me to get over it. I consider it cheating and im feeling abit rejected. it just really hurts me that i go to work all day while his on hoiliays from uni for 2 months, and when i get home, he does not even seem intrested in me in a sexual way. it sucks because he gets to spend hours at home by himself to do whatever he likes, while i never get the house to myself, not even on my days off. I find him too be very selfish, and its really turning me off from the relationship, i dont want to leave him over something like this, what can i do or say to make him understand?

View related questions: porn, sex drive

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, butterfly27x Canada +, writes (3 September 2008):

butterfly27x agony aunti have been seeing this guy for almost 6 months,i remember him looking at other girls and i just didnt let it bother me,then one day about a month ago we were waiting outside of an office and he was checking out this girl.NOW i am dealing with him looking at porn,porn bloppers,ANYTHING that show actual sex to jst a bit a thong he notices it and now i am starting to feel unappreciated and sex isnt that bad BUT i am starting think that that is because i am hoping he will realise that i am being hurt by this.We have sex every single day still i am having sex thinking he is having one of his twisted fantasies,not to mention he is always trying to have anal sex with me and if i dont feel comfortable when he trying to hard,sex is ruined,ive read some of the stories here and maybe me situation isnt as bad but it does bother me and im afraid that we will never come to an understanding,he says there is nothing wrong with watching porn,he isnt doing anything wrong,its just looking and for pointer,but i feel its beyond that.i never said that something was wrong with porn,but he isnt single anymore,still he doesnt understand why i am bit$%ing.if expressing yourself is bit*%ing,he isnt being much a good boyfriend.WHAT if it was us doing these things,going to male strip clbs every weekend and drling over eye candy.if there is no communication,there is no relationship secure,things will get worst,a part from other things that have been happening i am on the verge of breaking p with him because i have nothing left in me to give.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

Unless hes wiiling ti understand then i think it will only get worse. My partner or 6years has always been into porn, its not my thing but boys will be boys.... thats until we got a computer, first he was on myspace and was writting discusting things to women even asked one o them to meet up. dont get me wrong i am no prude...i asked him to stop wich he did, but not withou a fight, then i found him going on adult dating sites he said he had stopped that aswell but he hasnt. Hes buying exessive amount of porn these days and hiding it from me. at times he sleeps downstairs saying he will only keep me awake because he does nights and doesntwant to keep me up, bollocks hes on the net on sites he knows will upset me. I have now a big decision to make we have 2 kids and i cant be unhappy any longer. I am giving him the choice porn or me, unfortunatley i dont think he thinks its a problem so i can see me asking him to leave all this hurt and upst just for porn. They really dont thimk that they are doing anything wrong unless they do your gonna be living this life forever. I am not willing to live like this anymore it needs to be stopped before he goes too far, because he will. best of luck...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ghannit Canada +, writes (28 September 2007):

Well, in my situation, the (soon to be husband) is watching (typically teen) porn and has been denying it throughout our 3 year relationship. "I find porn boring" he stated outright just the other day when I asked him rather casually about watching it.

It was DVD's and mags before he got into the internet, and predictably, the real sex (which I would have with him every day, with far more imagination, if I could) between us has tapered to a not-so-passionate once a week event.

I tried to convince myself that he was truly "too tired", and I made endless excuses for his rejection of my advances.

But come-on. A woman (any person really) knows when there is infidelity. And yeah, when one partner is being rejected/ignored sexually while the rejector/ignorer is getting off to the image/idea/actions of another person, AND THEN HIDING THIS ACTION, it is cheating.

It is obviously lying about a very fundamental aspect of a romantic/sexual partnership. It is felt by the rejected partner, even without evidence.

I KNEW he was getting it elsewhere away from me and secret form me. Felt the absence in my bones.

I am not even anti-porn. In fact I get so frustrated that I watch it myself. I actually watch it most of the time because I know that he is. In some sad way I think I feel less humiliated in leveling the playing field this way.

Perhaps it's even a way to feel like we are doing SOMETHING sexual together.

I (and he) have attributed his past porn watching to drugs.

And there was a connection there. But now, the porn watching is seemingly another way to not be real. Another addiction in itself. Another poison in our relationship.

And I cannot feel pity for his "succumbing" to a vice in this matter, like I did with drugs. Because I am being pushed aside for other women. He is withholding what I need/deserve/offer in return, and spending it elsewhere.

Entirely apart from me.

Again, I am no prude. I am not anti-porn. I LOVE sex.

And I am actually quite sexy/attractive.

I seriously FEAR that the future of my sex life is this:

Him, getting hard for other women, not me. Me trying to be open, honest, and intimate, while getting shut down, and even made ashamed for my desire.

That is what it is now.

And rather that expressing any sort of understanding for my hurt in this, he actually accuses me of prying into "his business".

"What I do online is my business, and I don't have to tell you anything about it", was his statement tonight.

Chilling, the logical conclusion in that statement.

I feel very helpless. Very humiliated. Very stupid for not listening to my gut all along.

What is worse, is that I am now pregnant with my 1st child and feel utterly trapped.

I do not know what to do. I know I cannot live with this sick feeling for the rest of my life.

I always thought this happened to women who did not like sex.

Now I am realizing that this is what happens to people who devote themselves to addicts.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007):

I have the same problem with my boyfriend. I'm 20, he's just turned 19. I know that I have been haunted by this for the past year and it's a never ending cycle. I wish I had some good advice, but all I have is leave him. It's just the fact that he is always concerned about my feelings when are having sex, but he doesn't think about me wanting sex and once a week or every two weeks is not cutting it. If you stay together you end up miserable and porn becomes "the other woman".

I think that porn once in a while is okay, but when he's constantly hiding it, looking at it, lying about it... it's just too much. (Sorry, I'm really venting here.)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007):

I am going through the same thing. My bf and I have been together for 3 years (I am now 25)and he has a porn addiction. I am not a prude and it is ok to look once in a while, but when it starts affecting your sex life you have to ask him some questions. If refuses to get treatment for his problem then you may as well leave. Think about it like this, if you were the one with the problem in your relationship would he tolerate the same sort of behaviors he has shown you? Probably not. And the lie about the medicine, I have heard that one before too. I really disagree with the advice of Wendyg, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, HE IS AN ADDICT! Get to steppin' while you are still young.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007):

I have a boyfriend who was caught looking at porn after he was denying it for 5 months!!! said was working late, and had to go to work late or the gym late! Wrong! he was at his office looking at porn, and thank god to todays technologies, i was able to log into his computer from mine! and guess what he did late at night while he said he was working... jacking off at work, looking at porn! so i left him not because of the porn but because i didnt want to get lied to, i was living a lie for 5 months... now he is trying to work on it.. the counselor told us to perhaps look at porn together... not to be selfish... but that it is healthy for a man and his relationship to jack off alone once in a while, but when he turns to porn and himself and not give you any attention then it become a problem. What you wont do to your partner, someone else will heard that term, and if he can careless about it... then i think its time for you to move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

I have a boyfriend of six years that has a porn addiction..he whacks off at least every other day or daily and I've caught him engaging in phone sex...I think it is the secrecy and lying that bother me the most about it...he says he only does it once every couple of weeks but in reality i find it on his computer daily...it truely boils down to how much can u take? I've, unfortunately, chosen to deal with it as best as i can. Not a good choice. I recommend if you go this route..accept it and don't put yourself through the five years of misery constantly checking and wondering if he's doing it every time your not with him cause he is and you know it..accept it and quit torturing yourself or move on...it's really that simple

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2007):

http://p103.ezboard.com/fmothersagainstpornographyaddictionfrm11

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007):

i know where u r coming from i go to work at 5:30 a.m and my husband gets up at 6 and he starts watching porn and taking care of himself and he watches even at his lunch break. I have told him how i feel about it but he tells me that it is a man thing I went alittle further and i set up my video camera and caught him in the act because when i ask him about it he tells me that he was not watching it but i caught him should say red handed.Our sex life is not bad but it isnt good either.I wish they would do something about the porn sights i have even thought about turning off the internet. I hope the best for u and maybe your b/f will stop and so does my husband

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I just want to point out that im not a nag, I think the hole time that I have been in this relationship I have only asked him about the porn issues maybe twice, during both converstations i bring up how it hurts me.

I dont nag i dont complain about anything, my bf has to often ask me to tell him how i am or what im thinking because i was raised never to complain or cause un wanted conflict.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2007):

Wendyg agony auntI dont think its just the porn issue here hun. "I never get the house to myself, even on my days off"

I can appreciate that him whacking off while your out at work is very frustrating, but well hes got into a habit that he cant break. You resent him for it and the second you get home i can imagine your already in a mood. Im not saying its great hes whacking off... not in the slightest, but what im getting at is that you think before you even walk though the front door, thats what hes been doing, then you feel a bit sulky and angry(without realsing)and the vibes rub off... this has happend more and more over time and you without realising and im not saying its your fault, have turned into a nag. So your bf has just seen you nag and nag about it, (like i say you dont realise, as you probly nag about other stuff, but really want to vent about the porn) So you have ended up in a circle. you stress hes wanking all day, hes like shes nagging all the time.

Right action to take is to take time out, revaluate what you want. Then talk to the bf. Tell him what you what, how your feeling and lay it all out, it could be a combination of both of you with this, your resenting that he can spend all day at home doing nothing, whilst your out at work! and thats an issue in itself. And hes like i cant be arsed cant get motivated lets have a wank. You need to get the right balance, discuss with your bf what he wants to achieve long term with uni and so on, and try getting him involved in other activities, hes basically wanking as its the easy thing to do and hes got bored and stuck in a rut. Also tell him that at least once a week you would like time to yourself, a pamper day where you can do what the hell you like at home.. a metime, we all need it. Give him something else to focus on and you focus more on you.

Tell him what you want, how you see things, and that you would like to improve things. if he doesnt listen or doesnt see it, you might want to consider what your doing together if he doesnt make you happy, and may have to think long and hard about the life you want to achieve and does he figure in it.

Hope at least some of this helped.

Take care x x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):

You don't have to put up with it. Tell him how you feel, and she what decision he comes to. If he still doesnt give it up then tell him you are out of this relationship. No matter what you do have a life and a say.

Take care

xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2007):

vina_101 agony auntWell since you're unhappy and he's the one causing it and you've asked him to do something about it and he isn't then... I think you'd be happier with someone else. You can't stop him from looking at porn. I think you should make him choose. Ask him if he wants you, a real woman in real life to be his real girlfriend with a real body or pictures of surgically enhanced women on paper or on the tv who he'll never get in real life who will never give him the love that you can.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, aphexinfinite United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2007):

aphexinfinite agony auntit seems that he is being very selfish and un understanding towards youre feelings, i had a friend who liked ot watch porn whilst his gf ddnt..so she tried to watch it with him.tho she hated it she tried and told him that she ddnt like it but uf he wanted he could watch it..wether he did or not when he was at home is diffo, but when he was with her he ddnt want too..maybe hes doing it because you hate it or simply he loves to watch it.. tell him how you feel about it you need to communicate with him... to me he is being very selfish and he should come to agreement..but its his choice to do what he wants with his body and his spare time..yes i know the feeling u feel ure being cheated with a porn show...but you cant and shouldnt want to stop him..if you cant work things out i think a split up would be the best idea sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.. tho try talking camly and rationally be fair about it..hope this helps xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Boyfriend's addiction to porn is ruining our relationship"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312504000030458!