A
female
age
41-50,
neenie
writes:My boyfriend (who I have lived with since June 1 of last year)is still legally married to his wife who abandoned him and his two younger sons eight years ago.First of all, he never told me while we were dating that he was still married. I was totally under the impression that he was divorced. In fact, it wasn't until one night when he'd had a bit too much to drink that he said something to my brother about "never having signed any divorce papers". When I confronted him with it, he said he thought he had told me.This man is usually very sensitive to my feelings and treats me like a queen. I love him and there is no doubt that he loves me, too. He is very kind to all and will avoid conflict at all costs. He is a very mild mannered type of person.Ok, having said all that, here is my problem. We've been together over a year now and he still has not filed for divorce (neither has she and that perplexes me also). When I mention it to him, he always says he needs to save money for a divorce and he should have done it a long time ago, but nothing ever happens. When I asked him why he never did it before, he says, "I never wanted to even talk to her. I just wanted to forget it".And, I do believe that is true knowing his personality as I do. But, if he loves me, why can't he see how important it is to me to make our relationship permanent and as the old folks would say "make an honest woman of me"? I am not a materialistic person but I've lived through some tough times and I want and need some security. I want to know that if something happens to him that I'm not going to be out in the street which is exactly what would happen now because his house, his retirement, everything would go to his wife. In all other ways, he's wonderful to me and I've waited a lifetime for someone like him. So, why can't he just go through with the divorce? He keeps saying "It'll happen." I don't think he has any feelings left for his wife because he made the comment to me once when we were watching television and a woman was telling about a horrible problem in her life that had finally resolved itself and he said, "Her ex must have died." I know it sounds a bit cruel, but it told me something about his feelings for her. I don't think it's love for her, I don't think it's money for the divorce -- I think he is simply afraid of the confrontation(s) with her and dragging up the past. He is very much a family man and he harbors so much resentment towards her for leaving him and the boys. What can I do? If I mention it too much, he gets misty-eyed and won't talk to me. Please help!
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (31 March 2008):
 Just to add to the comments made by the other Aunts on this thread, which was great advice, by the way...There is no reason why he shouldn't be divorced. Get out the phonebook and tell him to start looking...he will need a lawyer to represent his best interests.
Listen, hun...it took me five years to get my divorce after my separation. Why? Because it was just easier.-I didn't want the hassle-I was lazy!and couldn't care less. Oh. yes, I had my lame excuses...I had children whom I didn't want to see go through that painful process and I had no ready cash for a lawyer, I didn't want to take time off work to go to lawyer appts...just a whack of stupid reasons, on my part. So--what was my motivating factor for finally getting the divorce? I met a new and wonderful partner. ut of respect for him amy committment to begininng a new life with him, I promptly extricated myself out of this long dead marriage. Suddenly I realized the kids didn't care, they wanted me to be happy with someone new, The lawyer's costs were paid off on a monthly debit plan from my account and it all worked out. In other words, I cleaned up all my baggage. to give myself the benefit of knowing I was free and clear to proceed ahead.
Your bf would be better off to face the music now and get it over and done with, so he can commit further to you. You and he don't need this sitting right in the middle of your relationship. But why isn't he doing this after several years? It almost seems as if he's insisting you to wait for him, which of course, you shouldn't do. This not fair for you, not to mention-a very insensitive, uncaring thing to do, on his part. Set a clear boundary. You are entitled to truthfulness, clarity and respect. Right now you aren't getting any of that. That might either get him motivated to do something and divorce this ex-wife...or he won't care. It will be then that you will clearly know where you stand with this man. A tough place to be in, but how many more years do you want to waste? It's a chance a risk..are you strong enough-confident enough to do that? I hope so. Nonetheless, it's your choice. Take care and good luck, dear.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (31 March 2008):
 What on earth would happen if he had an injury and was in the hospital, waiting for a critical decision to be made? It's not a plot or story line, it happens all the time! People wind up having decisions made by their ex, instead of the person who lives with them and loves them. What happens if he does die? Does he want his ex making all of the decisions about the funeral, the headstone, the division of his assets? Like eyeswideopen said, this really is burying your head in the sand. He needs to clear up the paperwork. He can file and do a lot of this without speaking to his ex or by speaking through lawyers, but he needs to protect your interest in him as his life partner and his financial interests as well. He needs to understand how devastating the results could be if anything should go wrong for him right now. I can't imagine that having a lot of loose ends would be good for the children either. The estate usually goes to the surviving spouse and the children, so he would be leaving his kids with one awful mess to sort out with the mother that he spent so long protecting them from. I can't imagine that he would want that either. Good luck getting him to open up his eyes. I would take him out to a quiet place and try to get to the bottom of all of this. It's not selfish of you to want to be the one that cares about his future, it's what any caring spouse would do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): "make an honest woman of me"? I never knew that is what it took. Funny.
From some of your words, it sounds like your desperate to get married. Why? This could raise warning flags to a man if he feels he is being pushed into something, whether he wants it or not. And if you can't come clean and express your feelings, then he will know this is an area he will have to pick up the slack in the realtionship, which may be cumbersome, depending on the situation.
I agree he doesn't want to confront her, if he can find her.
If she has left him along with young kids, in the USA, he may not have to confront her. Yes he will need an attorney, but he can go to court and either get his divorce or have it annulled. The time frame is 6 months when a spouse leaves, for at least some states. Locally, we have divorce advertised for $200. Not that much money. Could you pay for it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): It's no doubt, as you know, that he loves you and there is no real problem with your relationship.
I agree with you, I don't believe it's money which is why he isn't signing these divorce papers but it almost seems that he doesn't want it to end. Sure, it is over but it's like he doesn't want it to come to a closure. If you know what I mean...?!?!
It's quite confusing, and what I said is a bit vague, but the only thing you can do is keep pushing him for this divorce. Decide you'll be together for the rest of your lives but he's married to someone else. Surely the other woman, his wife would want closure to.
Just talk to him sensitivley, say you want a word but this has got to happen. Point out how long it's been. Obviously at the end of the day, it's not your choice it's his. But say it needs to be done, and none of this is particularly healthy. If he continues to go on about money and refuses, other methods may have to be thought out.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 March 2008):
 He can't live with his head buried in the sand forever. The whole thing is screaming for closure. I think he'd feel a big weight off his shoulders if he would just take the last step and finish this off. He deserves to get child support from her as well. However it has to be his decision, you have made your feeling known. Is there a family member who could speak to him, someone whose opinion he really respects? Otherwise I guess you will have to either leave him or live in the current limbo. I wish I could give you more concrete advice but I do wish you good luck, I hope he comes around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I think you are right to a point - he is unable to confront what has happened to him (her walking out) and feels very disappointed and let down - almost like a failing. It can be hard to accept for a long time. The thing is, although this is purely a legal thing really it is also about making a commitment to you and he obviously feels unable to do that in terms of showing you some respect and getting the divorce underway. I would suggest he gets some counselling to help him through the process (you cannot be that role aswell as it will damage your relationship) but you need to state very clearly that you don't see a future with him while he is still married to someone else. It really is that simple.
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