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Boyfriend wants to go away with his friends, not with me!

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2018) 21 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Lads holiday to Berlin when in a long term relationship of 5 years???

My boyfriend of 5 years and his friends want to go on a lads holiday after we finish our A level exams this summer. They are thinking of going to Berlin however, I’m really uncomfortable about this as my boyfriend would be the only one going in a relationship. Also, his friends don’t have any respect for our relationship or me as they have a bro’s before hoes kinda motto! I want me and my boyfriend to go away after exams (obviously) however he refuses to inform me on If he had to decide which one, which holiday he would go on. I’m feeling very down and unsure about this and I wondered what other people thought about it? I guess I just don’t understand why he would want to go on that type of holiday when in such a long term relationship.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (2 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly you don't have the right to tell him where he can and cannot go on holiday, if you are worried then it is obvious you don't trust him, and if you don't trust him then there really is no point in being with him. Also it is his money so it is his choice what he spends it on. You say he is controlling but you sound the same. I would never say to my husband he cannot spend HIS money on a boys holiday. You are both still young so off course he wants to go away with his friends and enjoy himself. It does sound like he would rather be away with them than you, so maybe it is time you started looking after yourself, enjoy time with your friends and don't focus to much on him, also he cannot tell you what to do either!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018):

UPDATE!

Okay so the location has now changed to ‘somewhere’ in Spain or Italy. Probably end up being Ibiza or Magaluf! Anyway, this has come at a time when we were looking at our holiday and now that’s been put on hold. He won’t even look anymore. When I ask about his holiday with the boys in terms of like how much it is etc because it will affect ours and how much we can spend all he does is roll his eyes at me. He won’t accept my concerns about the possible destinations and also the people he is going with.

Last week, an event occurred with one of my friends and one of his friends. One of his friends had secretly taken a picture of my friend and her boyfriends private, intimidate conversation and was showing people in school. Apparently, he said he wouldn’t care if this was done to us (he soon changed his story to many other things). Also said he doesn’t trust his friends to not go snooping into our conversations. HOW UNSETTLING!

I just don’t know what to think of all of this :(

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf he is as controlling as you say he is then why on earth are you still with him? He CANNOT I repeat CANNOT tell you that you are not allowed to go away with your friends, he doesn't own you, you are not a child or his pet so stand up for yourself!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 January 2018):

N91 agony auntNow that's a completely different story.

If he's going away, then you're going away, no ifs and or buts. No one tells another person what they can and cannot do. Your life is there to live how you choose and he has no say in it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2018):

UPDATE!

He’s going to be going. He’s said it without directly saying he is if you get what I mean. We went on holiday together last year and I said then that after A levels I would love for us to have a 2 week holiday as we could potentially end up in separate universities. He agreed at the time. Now I have to compromise a week of my holiday and he doesn’t want me to go away with my friends (work).

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntJust because you are both in a relationship you should never tell each other what to do. Same goes for him if he doesn't like you going on a night out without him. Honestly it sounds like the both off you might need some time being single and young and free. Well from what you write it sounds like he is already on that path. You both got together when you were extremely young. I do understand why you are worried about this holiday but they are his friends not yours and it is him you are dating not his friends. You should not make him feel bad about going on holiday with his friends. If he makes you feel bad for doing something without him well then maybe it is time you both gave each other some space. My husband is going on a lads trip to Poland soon enough, am I worried? No not one bit because I trust him completely. This is what you need in a relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI get you OP,

I think we all understand where you are coming from. The thing is, IF you keep trying to TELL him what HE can do, WHO he can hang out with you will lose him. You ARE dating him, and not his group of friends. Right?

As for him thinking it's "scandalous" that you have girl's nights out or work-do's - that is a double standard that I think you need to stop "bowing down too" - If he can go out with friends, so can you.

I fully agree with Aunt Cindy, that you are taking on a MOMMY role by trying to tell him what to do.

"Don't drink when you go out"

"don't do this or do that"...

And what you END UP WITH (because you are dating an IMMATURE guy) is "rebellion" - the night you told him please don't get totally shitfaced, he "promised" he wouldn't yet... what did he do? HE got drunk as a skunk.

You are NOT his mum. HE needs to learn making GOOD choices on his own. You can't DO that for him.

Also, if your guy hasn't cheated on you in 5 years, yet still gone out with these guys a trip to Berlin is not going to change that. Either he RESPECTS the relationship AND you, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, then maybe you two don't have a future together.

Telling him YOU should go on holiday with me over your mates is ONLY going to make him want to go with THEM more. Because he (again immature) wants to do what HE wants to do. Whether you like it, whether it hurts your feelings or whether it's SMART or not.

You two have been in a relationship for 5 years, so he probably feels like he is missing out. He has watches his close friends (those who don't have a GF) DO what they want and HE wants some of that "freedom" too. It's kind of what people at your age do!

Stop making him the sun and you the moon who revolves around him, who tries and make him a grown up. He isn't one. DO you for a bit (and no I don't suggest getting hammered every weekend and cheat) but GO out with the girls, go visit family, take a class or two to improve your career path, pick up a hobby (that doesn't include your BF). For the last 5 YEARS (which is a long time for someone as young as you) You have been the "mature" one in the relationship, the one that considers what good for BOTH of you over what's just good for you. He hasn't.

LOOK at his words, then his actions. Now you blame his friends but THEY are not the one who held a gun to his head and "made" him get utterly drunk. HE made that choice regardless of his promise to you.

He wants HIS life to revolve around what HE wants to do. But he also wants YOU to revolve around him and do what HE wants to do. (or rather what he doesn't want you to do, such as going out). How is that fair? How does that work for you?

I say let him go. Tell him that you think it's a shame that he rather do that than have a nice relaxing holiday with you, but that he seems to have made his choice. THEN you talk to all your GF and if possible YOU plan a girls holiday. And if he has ANYTHING negative to say about that, tell him if he can go to Berlin, you can have a girls holiday too. Not as a tit for tat, but maybe what he really NEEDS is to FEEL what your end of the stick feels like.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, I'm really sorry, but the chances of him being the love of your life are incredibly slim - almost impossible. Add to that the fact that he's a completely different, rude and disrespectful person when drunk, he's hardly right for you - which the true love of your life would be.

Most of us genuinely feel we have met "the one" at least a couple of times during our lives, then we break up, move on and find someone else who fits the bill. It's sad, but it shows with how many people get married to or have a baby with "the one" and end up divorced or parenting alone. Some people do stay with their school boyfriends/girlfriends, but it's rare for it to be a lifelong relationship.

I know you want to cling to him and this relationship because it's all you've known for 5 years, your entire adolescence, but you're not compatible. He doesn't keep his promises and isn't responsible with alcohol. He also doesn't like you going on a night out, but is happy to go wild on his.

I know you see that it's not working out and you want to convince yourself it is because you're scared you'll lose "the one", but I can guarantee you'll feel like that about someone else in the upcoming 60+ years of your life, OP. I think you're doing what most girls do, at your age, which is becoming dependent on the relationship and falling hard fast, whereas most guys your age just aren't thinking that far into the future. Sure, they can love someone and some will think about the future, but most don't.

You don't like his lifestyle and reckless choices (who can blame you), but it's who he is. That's why he's not the one for you, regardless of how much you subconsciously want the security of your first proper boyfriend being "the one" for the rest of your life.

It will hurt, OP, but look at it logically and you'll see that you're just not compatible as adults.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (9 January 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou cannot stop you boyfriend from joining his friends on this holiday, and no amount of wishing and hoping and duscussion (nagging) is going to change that.

Despite your 5 year realtionship you dont have any right to stop him from doing this, or anything else he puts his mind too.

As another Aunt mentioned, it is a right of passage, and if you keep trying to stop him, or even succeed, that will lead to a great deal of rezentment.

If you are pointing out the differences between your friends and his, stop it. That will be seen for what it is, negative critism of his friends ....

As for him behaving differently when he is with them compared to when he is with you .... well, yeah. Thats normal, we humans are multi faceted, the way i act when i am with a bunch of my friends is different to how i act st a family function, both are still me!

You are trying to fit your boyfriend into a little box where there is no room for him to be anything other than what you want him to be.

You boyfriend will act according to his own will, with his friends and with you, and if he gets drunk in Berlin or whatever, thats his choice.

I have sons older than him, and at his age I would encourage them to tKe the opportunity to travel with their friends, and probably tell them to buy condoms before they leave. Quite frankly the pair of you are too you for to be tying yourselves down like an old married couple ... there is plenty of ti e for that, let him enjoy his youth and be o e of the boys with his mates.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2018):

N91 agony auntThere is nothing you can do besides be the best GF you can be. This sounds like it runs a lot deeper than this holiday to be honest. If you're having other problems and you're feeling like things are strained and you're constantly talking about them, im 99.9% sure that a lad his age will feel like he's being nagged to and be further pushing him away, but I understand that all you want to do is talk to him about it and sort things out.

It's a tough situation when you feel like you can see things unravelling. I mean what do you do? Let it happen or stay and fight?

He will NEVER drop his friends for you, that's something you will have to accept. Unless they do something to majorly disrespect you where even he thinks they've crossed the line, then I think it's very rare that a young man will choose his GF over his friends. You have told him you're unhappy with them and how he is with them and nothing has changed so what else can you do?

There's two ways this relationship can go:

1. his holiday goes without hiccups, he comes back in one piece and everything is fine and dandy

2. these trust issues continue further driving the wedge between you both and Someone decides it's not worth it and ends it

For things to go positively you HAVE to just let go and trust him and let him do his thing and just believe that he won't do anything to let you down. As I said, that is what a relationship is about, having the trust in someone to not do you wrong. I think if these topics of conversation keep going I'm pretty sure he will be mentioning this to his friends and if they don't like you, you know what they will be telling him.

If he IS the love of your life what do you have to worry about? He won't do anything to hurt you right? if you're destined to be together? If he does then surely he's not the one for you. You can't cheat on someone you're truly in love with. Let his actions decide the future of your relationship, you just keep up your side of the deal and treat him right with trust.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

Thank you all so much for your contributions. This is a really hard time for us because he just wants me to support the idea of him going to another country, with boys that don’t like me or respect that he has a relationship, without me having any doubts and worries. I know that it is his choice to get drunk etc but recently he went out and promised me after a very serious event which involved the heavy influence of alcohol, that he wasn’t going to get drunk but he did. It’s also the fact that I am expected to just let him do whatever he wants whenever yet when I go out with my friends, it’s scandalous. He even got upset when I went on my works night out!

He is a totally different person when he is drunk and he loses his inhabitions. I know I may sound like I am forcing him to choose and being controlling but i’m Genuinely not. I’ve told him to think about how it could impact upon my feelings and therefore the relationship and now the ball is in his court. He knows my feelings about his friends, after all one of them had sex with 2 girls on a school trip in a room with other people watching!! That doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence!

It’s just a concern because of the difference in him under the influence of alcohol and he is very easily led by his friends. I feel like he’s the love of my life and I’m just scared. I don’t want to lose him but I also feel like he is pushing me away recently. I just feel conflicted and upset.

I’m trying to think of things rationally but he tries to convince me that this holiday will be cultural however, i know for a fact it will not be. There is a total difference in the friends and how they see our relationship. My group of friends are totally accepting and respecting and invite him along to social events. I even went on a school trip with some of his friends and they just didn’t bother at all or make any effort. This is what upsets me and he fails to see

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPlease bear with this "essay"; it's important.

OP, whether he'd rather go on a once-in-a-lifetime A-Levels-Are-Over holiday with his friends or buy a car (which he can do any time) is none of your business, honestly.

You've been together so long, through your entire adolescence, and you both need individual space to breathe. You will suffocate him if you play the responsibility card with "which would you rather?", as he knows the sensible option, but early adulthood is the TIME to have fun.

Once you're in uni or full-time work, your life will become all about responsibilities and you will have less time to spend with friends on cool adventures. That's why it's important to live life without regrets.

I'm a couple of years older than you and never had friends to hang out with, let alone go away with. I had to leave school at 14 and didn't have a boyfriend (who was also my first friend) until I was 19. I'm now a bit older and have still only managed to go away a couple of times since because adulthood gets in the way.

Enjoy the gap between 18 and 21 (or whatever age you begin full-time working, paying bills, insurance, etc.) because you're only that free before you enter the world of work full-time or after you retire 40+ years later. Sure, some people can fit in holidays annually, but a lot can't - at least to start with, as they have to prioritise their finances on responsibilities.

You want to settle with him and start playing grown ups (couples' trips, discussing finances like buying a car, etc.) but, unfortunately, he's someone you're probably not going to be with for the rest of your life (statistics). That's why now is the time to have (safe) fun and explore the world with friends, more than with boyfriends/girlfriends.

Also, the real issue here is that he's one person with you and a different one with his friends. That's common, at your age (even with girls), but if you don't really like who he's with when he's with friends, then he's not right for you. You need to like who he is all the time, aside from the obvious minor pet peeves we all have about our partners.

Stop blaming his friends. HE CHOOSES to get drunk - they don't make him. He WANTS that "freedom" and is disrespectful to you when he's with them because you're too much for him (nobody's fault; just incompatibility).

I understand why his behaviour bothers you - it would bother me too, but that's because we aren't compatible with guys like that.

I disagree with N91 that the friend isn't going because he's whipped or doesn't trust himself, as it seems the friends do want a wild singles' holiday and he's just not game, but your boyfriend is the way he is and you'll drive yourself crazy, if you stay with him.

Very few people are compatible at 18 with someone they had a crush on at 13 - 15. It's HEALTHY to grow apart, at this point in your lives, as you are all fairly similar in your teens - confused, developing crushes, exploring limited independence, trying to figure out who you are (which won't be the same as who you are in a decade), working out what you like, finding hobbies and interests, etc.

This is the time to focus less on what he's doing with his life and more on discovering who you are, what you want to do and how to achieve your goals :)

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (8 January 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Eh let him go, as graciously as you can.

I know that for you is a bitter pill to swallow, but he is so young and the post A level trip is some sort of rite of passage, and if he does not go he would feel he is missing out on the regular stages of a young man's life and he would resent you for being " Mom " - the voice of common sense and proper behaviour ( ... you should save up for a car... an all boys trip is not proper for a guy in a committed relationship ).. There's nothing less sexy than when your gf turns into mom. Mom you love her, and you can see she has a point and she has your best interest at heart,- but you don't want to f..k her, if you are a normal guy.

Plus, if you convince him to stay at home, his friends probably would accuse him of being pussywhipped and , at 19, I think it's too much to expect he has the maturity and the coolness to not give a fig about it.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (8 January 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntSometimes when I read questions here I just feel old ...

A levels would make you both around 18 or 19 yeah? Still very young, I can understand why your boyfriend wants to go off with his friends to celebrate the end of the A levels ... it will be very exciting being with his mates and making their plans, often the pre holiday planning sessions are more fun than the holiday itself. I imagine if I were a fly on the wall I'd be having some good old laughs and a few blushes myself.

And I can also see where you are coming from, if you and he have been an item for 5 years, of course you would expect him to prefer to go on a holiday with you.

HOWEVER, here's my disclaimer, he is a very young man, not even approaching adulthood, still quite immature in how he views the world, which at his age is still his oyster, he can't see what's coming in the next 5, or 10 or 25 years, he wants to have fun, and from his point of view the most fun thing will be to go to Berlin and cut loose, drink to excess and vomit in the gutter with the bros, or he might end up being the sensible one who pulls them out of the gutter and leads them back to their dingy dive. I don't blame him quite frankly, I never personally had that sort of freedom.

I get the feeling you view the relationship as the "one," and being a girl are probably a couple of years ahead in the maturity stakes. If he is the one, then there are going to be plenty of opportunities during the next 5, 10 or 25 years for you and he to travel and see the best bits of the world together, without the excessive drink and gutter dives.

He should go for his fling with the boys, and you need to decide if you trust him enough not to go dipping his wick where he shouldn't. If you don't trust him to do this then that is an indication he doesn't view the relationship quite the same as you and you'd be better served finding a guy with a level of maturity to match yours.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

If you can’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

Your boyfriend is young and at his age, definitely more prone to doing something stupid and immature. And falling to the peer pressure of his friend's influence. Just another side to the story the others are not pointing out.

Everyone here is sort of laying the guilt at your feet. Well, it's not your fault that you don't trust your boyfriend to behave. It's HIS.

Your boyfriend makes you feel uneasy and unsafe. Being with him for 5 years (because you obviously love him) you know his actions/character better than anyone here. So, you are most qualified to determine his potential future actions.

Trust your gut. Your feelings are correct and valid.

You will probably drive yourself crazy with worry while he is away. I know how it feels. My boyfriend went to Cuba with his friends last year. CUBA!!! Every breathing moment of that trip was excrutiating. And it was compounded by the fact he hardly communicated due to costly or non existent internet connections in Cuba.

If you worry so much about his infidelity, how long can you go on this way? There comes a time where you will begin to build a wall to keep him out. Why? Not because you know he will cheat. But because you think he is capable of cheating. And the latter should be enough to make a decision. The decision to leave this relationship. If you don't trust him after 5 years, then you never will.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (7 January 2018):

N91 agony auntOn 'that kind of holiday'? What do you mean by that? What are you expecting him to be doing?

Look, you either trust the guy or you dont. Why are you making up this situation that doesn't even exist where he has to choose who he would rather go on holiday with? Just because his friends don't respect your relationship why are you now projecting that insecurity onto him?

I will tell you now, your BF will be going on this trip regardless. If you turn into this nagging, moaning GF that doesn't want him to go away he will more than likely drop you like a bad habit. What man wants to be dictated what trips he can and can't go on with his friends?

I am in a relationship and would jump at the opportunity to go away with my friends. Why wouldn't I? And why would your BF not want to go with his friends? Are you expecting him to be trying to hop into bed with every female he lays eyes on? If you're worried about your BF cheating he will do it whether he goes on this holiday or not. This is what being in a relationship is all about, being able to TRUST your other half. Wouldn't YOU like to go on holiday with your friends? How would that be any different.

Your update says you're not making him choose, so what are you doing by asking who would he rather go away with? That sounds like he needs to make a choice to me. If his other friend in a relationship isn't going then that to me sounds like a weak minded man who can't trust HIMSELF not to do anything stupid whilst he's drunk. Either that or he's completely whipped and bows to his GFs commands and isn't 'allowed' to go.

Do you trust him? If so, you'll drop the subject and stop bringing up nagging topics with him. Why can't you go away together at another time of year?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou are both so young, and you NEED to either TRUST him or cut him lose.

If you have been together for 5 years he knows what he stands to lose by cheating (if that is what you worry about) while away.

Why don't YOU go on a vacation with a couple of female friends? Let your hair down? Spend time in the sun or what not?

As a couple you have to give each other a little freedom to grow.

While his friends are still immature (and maybe he is a little too) you either TRUST him to know how to behave or you don't. And if you don't trust him, why are you with him? It's not like his friends are going to hold a gun to his head and tell him to cheat.

Have a chat with him about boundaries and trust.

I went on SEVERAL vacations with friends while in a long term relationship. My BF at the time couldn't get out of work. He and I did some long weekends away when his job permitted it. I never cheated on him and he never cheated on me. I missed him a LOT while gone but still had fun with my friends.

Now, I don't blame you for being disappointed that he RATHER go on a lad's holiday than a holiday with you - but maybe that is a hint of his level of maturity? As well as he needing to have some experiences in life where he isn't glued to you.

The more you PUSH for him to CHOOSE you, the more likely it is he will choose to go with his friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

I’m not making him choose between them. He also wants a new car and only has a part time job that doesn’t pay an extraordinary amount of money. I just asked him if he got his car and If he were only able to afford one, which would it be? I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Also, he isn’t the same person when he is with his friends. He completely changes. He even changes his attitude with me and towards me whenever he is around them, it’s like I don’t know him at all. That’s the part that worries me because he completely changes who he is. They get him ridiculously drunk and then he just forgets about me. The other person who is in a relationship within the friendship group doesn’t seem to be interested in going because he doesn’t think it’s appropriate considering he has a girlfriend. He knows the intentions of the friends going. And they are not positive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

Your only 18 and have been with your boyfriend since you were 13. There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting to go on a lads holiday. It's totally normal at your age to go on holiday with your friends-in fact I would say this is healthy and needed. Don't worry about his friends-your not going out with them and I am sure a boy who is so committed won't be easily swayed. Go on a girls holiday yourself so you don't miss out.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (7 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDon't make him choose. I get why you're worried, but he has to be trusted to go away with rowdy friends, or why are you with him?

My cousin has been with her fiancée for about 10 years. They have always been going away together and separately, with friends. They trust each other. You doubt him because of his friends.

Absolutely go away together, but don't make him choose between a holiday with you and a holiday with his friends.

Why don't you go somewhere with your friends to celebrate and go away with him when you can both afford to do what you want together?

Don't turn into the girlfriend equivalent of "Bridezilla" or you'll push him away. Enjoy yourself and either trust him not to give in to his friends' disrespect of your relationship or don't be in a relationship with him anymore.

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