A
female
age
51-59,
*arah111
writes:Hi everyone. I am writing for help because I have never been so confused in my life.I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for just over a year and we have both said how happy we are together, we get on perfectly, do great things together, share the same interests and have a brilliant sex life too. There was almost an instant connection and we are very happy and content. He says this to me all the time.From the very start I knew he would be going on a trip to Brazil to see his young daughter (he and her mother divorced 4 years ago and she took herself and the child back to Brazil. The mother is now with someone else. He worships his daughter and has now gone over to see her for 4 months.We talked at great length about what should happen whilst he was gone. He asked me to wait for him and I said I'd be happy to do that. We would pick up where we left off when he returned. This is what we both agreed and were happy with.Here is my problem and confusion - his last words to me were I'll call you as soon as I've landed. That was 5 days ago now. His phone is switched off but I know he has arrived as he has been active on face book putting pics up etc and making comments to friends and family over the past 2 days.We have set up Skype to chat and I have left him a message on that (I don't do face book myself but my friend looked him up as all of his post are public. He is there and ok so I don't understand why he hasn't made any contact with me. I know his phone may not be working right now as it kept getting blocked just before he went but he obviously has accsses to a computer AND he had my email address plus Skype. I really don't understand why he would do this to me. He would have definatly have said something to me BEFORE he went as it has been discussed endlessly and he made it clear that he wanted to be with me. He even left my birthday presents with my family to give me in a few weeks.He doesn't have a great concept of time at the best of times and is always late!! But surely it can't be that.Is he just waiting to get his phone sorted?If anyone could shed any light on this, I'd be very grateful. We are both 50 so I should be able to work this out myself but I'm totally clueless.Please help and thank you in advance.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (6 April 2016):
 My husband is from Japan and travels there once or twice a year to see family. I normally do not go. In the years we were dating he would always make it a point to call me when his plane landed. Sometimes he would scurry around to
buy a calling card or a pay phone but he ALWAYS called me. I knew he would be busy with family and friends but he always contacted me at least once every day eithef through phone caall, email or skype. I never asked him to do zo, he just did.
I find it sad that your guy couldnt find 5 minutes for you in 5days. i
I would be hurt and upset if I were you. This doesnt make sense. A short
email anything but just silence? Unless he is ill or hurt there really is no excuse for 5 days of silence. I am sorry hun.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I'm suspicious as to why he is gone over there alone, and that he hasn't contacted you. Is it ok for me to ask why he has gone there alone?. Did he give you a reason why he wanted to do that?.I think it is ignorant and disrespectful that he didn't contact you when he said he would. He doesn't seem concerned about your feelings. I have been through that too with a partner. He didn't contact me when he said he would sometimes when he visited friends for a few days. It annoyed me.Please let us know when/if you hear from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): 5 days of no contact? Maybe 20 years ago this was the norm. Communication was more limited and more expensive. I would be very upset and confused. He SAID he would contact you when he landed after all. His words....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I'm sure you posted before regarding him going to Brazil ? Am I correct ?? In that post you had indicated he had been cutting back contact etc, wasn't the same and you were concerned whether to just end it and save the heartache or go ahead and see how it went .. If this is you then you had some great advice at that time .. Certainly I said if it were I would be cutting back myself as from what you wrote it just wasn't his daughter he was going to see . I do understand your distress if it were me I would not be happy .. If you are together then common courtesy would dictate that you keep in touch not 24/7 but a let you know he's there safe etc .. If he isn't then I'm sorry to say for me would be a deal breaker . And I'm not clingy or demanding I just have respect for me and any relationship I was in .
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 February 2014):
 'we have both said how happy we are together, we get on perfectly, do great things together, share the same interests and have a brilliant sex life too. There was almost an instant connection and we are very happy and content'
These are your words, your beliefs about your relationship with this man...yes? So why do you not trust him?
He has been gone less than a week, to see his child and because he has not done what you expected, you are distraught and disturbed.
Why do you need constant verification that he is thinking about you or will contact you exactly when you think he should if you are so 'content' and 'happy'...does it really only take one tiny thing of him not contacting you to shake that faith? To me, it seems you do not truat him and crave him contacting you as verification that he is still in a relationship with you.
He has gone to see his child, he will also most likely be spending time with family and catching up, not to mention recovering from a bit of jet lag. He has been with you for the last year, can he not have a few weeks with his family without causing you a neurosis of worry?
So he promised you? Can he not make a mistake? can he not 'forget'? will that cause you unrepairable damage? If that is the case, I think what you percieve to be this perfect relationship is really just grasping an attachment to someone who gives you value, because, perhaps you do not value yourself?
Sorry to be so harsh on you but you are making yourself worried and miserable because your expectation is too high, you are not seeing the big picture and your real place in this mans life.
A child will always come before a partner in affection, this is the natural order and he is spending time with his child and you must take a gracious back seat for a while and be happy for him that he is having complete freedom of time to do as he wishes.
Relax, stop worrying, calm your mind and be patient...he will return and he will be more content with you if you do not create drama and selfish waves in the name of 'instant gratification' for yourself. If you scold him for not contacting you, it will cause him to worry that he did something wrong...and he hasn't...he just forgot because he is with his family...it's forgivable and forgettable!
So relax.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Even if his phone was out of order, or lost, or fallen at the bottom of the ocean, there are other phones there in Brazil. Moreover, one can call a phone from his Skype (it's very inexpensive though) so, I would say: RED FLAG !
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