A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles of Dear Cupid,I hope someone can advise me on what to do here.I've been seeing an older man since early November last year. He will be 50 later this year. I am 40. Early days and we have been taking things fairly slowly, although I met most of his family within a very short space of time because they are always in and out of each others homes and are very close. I thought it was nice and get along well with them all, except for his older brother, who is 57.The minute I met him he looked at me up and down as if I was a piece of meat with real lust in his eyes and when I met his girlfriend, she looked at me as if she hated me! I have caught him looking at very lecherously many times and only the other day I turned to pick something up off the sofa and caught him staring down my cleavage. Whenever we all go out together and his girlfriend is there, she seems very angry and unhappy and looks at me strangely. I asked my boyfriend did he know if she has an issue with me. He then proceeded to tell me the whole story about his brother, how he is messing her around and is chatting up other women on various dating sites, although he doesn’t think he is actually cheating on her. Apparently he did this to his last girlfriend, she found out and kicked him out. Apparently he only does it to “keep his options open” because he was cheated on a lot in the past and can’t trust women.I was sort of shocked but not, I knew something was going on, my gut instinct was telling me. Apparently “all the family know what he is like and have warned him”. The last outing we all had together felt very awkward, especially as I could hear his girlfriend telling some friends of the family how they had met, how nice he is and how finally she has found real love and is very lucky. I wanted to scream and shake her and tell her the truth and I had to zip my lips up and eat my lunch but all the time I was seething inside at what he is doing to her.In June, we are meant to be taking a trip to Scotland to stay with family there for 10 days and I am supposed to be sharing a room with her. This was planned a while ago and I feel really uncomfortable about going and have told my boyfriend I don't want to. He is very disappointed and is begging me to go with them and now regrets telling me anything. And now things have taken a really odd turn for the worse. The other night I stayed over at my boyfriend’s place, but I had forgotten to take my nightwear. He went into a drawer and pulled out a pair of his pajamas for me to wear and I saw what looked like condoms. When he went to shower, I opened the drawer and there were around 30 condoms, loose, 3 different types, with expiry dates of next year or 2018. We don’t use them as I am on the pill. I asked him about them, why he has them and he said he bought them when he met me.. and then bought some more. But we have never used them and I don’t understand why so many and why he emptied them ALL out of the boxes. I asked if his brother was keeping hidden condoms at his house and he insisted they were not his brothers and that he would never allow that.Other stuff has happened to make me question my trust in him. He was flicking through his phoneand email looking for something relating to the Scotland trip. I was sitting next to him and I saw in his email several very recent MSN invitations from women’s names. I memorized a couple of the emails and then looked for them on Facebook, MSN and Skype and found two of them, one of them is a VERY young woman, scantily clad and it looks as if she might even be an escort. I asked him why she had emailed him/sent an MSN invite and he denied all knowledge of knowing her, even when I showed him the profile. I asked him to show me the email and he pretended he had forgotten his password. First time around he even tried to blame his brother and said ”he must have been using my account”. A couple of days later he miraculously recalled it and of course.... he had emptied his Inbox and permanently deleted the emails and invitations. On another occasion, he was on his phone and he had an FB account open that I didn’t recognize. I asked him how many FB accounts he has and he said just one. I insisted I had seen another on his phone and that it had a different photo of him etc. He denied all knowledge of this other profile, then he backtracked as he realized I must have seen something and told me it was a page or group he had set up. When I pushed him to show me, he couldn’t find it and said FB must have deleted it, as they do that automatically if you don’t use something for 3 months. But it was only a few weeks back.. and I am sure it was a separate and hidden account.I have sat and talked to him again, but he just keeps insisting that he isn’t cheating and isn’t looking for anyone else but my gut is screaming. Help!! I think he is doing exactly what his horrible brother is doing and I am being played for a fool. What can I do to get to the bottom of this??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): I am the original poster. Thank you to all the people on here who took the time to read my post and reply.I spoke with him yesterday again and said please, adult to adult and heart to heart can we sort this out and just be open and transparent with each other, but he kept churning out the same rubbish lies from before, denying stuff and saying he never had another account, he wouldn't tell me why he had permanently deleted the emails I saw and just kept denying he knew anyone who had emailed him. I was gentle and maybe kinder than I should have been, I guess the sad thing is in so many other ways, he has been really good to me, but that's surface veneer if he is leading a double life behind my back.After ending it and I got up to leave, he apologised. I know if someone accused me of doing this kind of stuff and I was innocent, an apology would be the last the last thing I would want to give. I would prove my innocence. Seems he would rather lose the relationship than be real with me. I guess he can't be real though, can he? If he showed me who he really is, then I would walk anyway. Either way he loses and today I can't help but think he is a screwed up saddo loser.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): First condoms. Why would he buy in such a quantity, knowing that you are on a pill.
Trust your instincts. If you seeing something that is suspicious to you than ts probably is. If you are not super jealous person like me and started noticing things thatn trust yourself. Things he says about deleted accounts and the rest don't make sense.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 "Sounds" to me that you've made up both your question AND its answer. Is there any more to this submittal?????
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 This sounds very creepy to me like a set up to a scary movie plot with a bad ending. Might wanto have your "ears up" Watch yourself kid Good Luck. 50 is not all that old but it sounds wierd anyway. You say you ar 40. You should know better than to stick arond very much longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is a tough one.I am in similar circumstances. I have no hard evidence like you do. Mine is more paranoia but yours on the other hand, I do believe you have reason to be concerned.I think all the questions you have about his behaviour are red flags. Especially after only 5 months. This is the time a guy is supposed to really be INTO YOU. It's the early stages, the infatuation and lust and chemical cocktail explosion of feel good and addictive emotions. It's the honeymoon phase. If he is shopping for other models, then clearly this guy is a player and you don't want to be roped in any further. It's just going to break your heart the longer you allow him to manipulate you. So be smart. Listen to your gut. I don't believe it steers you wrong.And to be honest, if you feel there is something wrong and things don't add up, you are probably right. So... you must make a hard choice. Do you stay with him despite having this nagging feeling, hoping you are wrong, but living out your relationship everyday wondering, worrying, questioning, feeling paranoid, analyzing his every word, his every action, allowing it to become a cancer which eats away at you and will eventually destroy your own self esteem and emotional well being as well as your relationship? Or do you say to yourself, I have a feeling he is a player and is either cheating or looking to cheat and I can do better. I will not put myself through this. I need to get out now before I get too emotionally invested in somebody who is not worth it.So, either you trust him or you don't. Which would be more difficult for you?Realize that it is not easy to trust under even ideal circumstances if they exist. But when your gut is telling you something and you try to trust despite that, I think you are facing an uphill battle. And you might just be wasting your time. The paranoia will eat you up. Swallow you whole. It will drive you insane. I have been there. If you let it get that bad, there will come a point where you will have to get away from him to escape that torment. Do yourself a favour. Don't let it get that far.Remember sometimes you don't need evidence. You just know. And that is enough. You may never have the evidence. He may never slip up. He may be an expert at this game. And he will always deny, deny, deny. So, to get him to admit it? That won't happen. So the answer lies with you. The decision is yours.I think you know what you have to do.Better now than once you fall in love. Trust me.
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