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Boyfriend tells me he doesn't want kids, I leave crying and I haven't heard from him since. How is he so cold?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 June 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2019)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My LDR boyfriend of a year and a half finally admitted to me that he had 100% decided that he doesn't want kids. I am 40, have frozen my eggs and most days I feel the incredible yearning for a family.

I say "finally admitted" because he has known since last August that I froze my eggs. We talked about kids. He said he hadnt wanted one all along (for various financial Reasons) but that he COULD see it with me. He said he would seriously consider it.

3 months ago we spoke about when and where we would have a baby. Then 2 months ago he was having doubts and said "when do you need an answer by". I didn't give him a deadline.

This past weekend we were together at his home. He was distant. I asked "what are we doing here? For how much longer are we traveling back and forth ? ". He said we didn't have time to talk about it - I had to get to the airport. I pushed. Finally he said he finally decided he didn't want them.

I was devastated and angry that he didn't tell me sooner. He said he decided a week and a half before but didn't want to be the "bad guy" and tell me over FaceTime. However we had just spent 3 days together and he didn't bring it up. I asked how he could do that. He said he was selfish and didn't want to ruin our "fun" weekend.

He drives me to the airport, I ask him "what do you expect me to do?" He says "what you need to do". He hugs me and says "I'm sorry"

I start texting him from the airport - he is even colder in texts - saying "you have to decide what you want to do. But I know you won't choose me. You'll find happiness".

My flight was delayed, I got stuck in another city over night - and I haven't heard from him since.

I am angry and hurt. I feel he was using me in this LDR for fun and when push came to shove, he shoved me away. He didn't even have he courtesy to tell me this life altering decision during our 3 days. I would have left thinking everything was okay and gone back in 2 weeks for a concert and then the following weekend for a visit.

I am so hurt and technically we never broke up. Do I call and try to have another discussion or the breakup is just assumed by his lack of concern? If I hurt him this badly, I would follow up with a "are you home safe? I know there's no solution here but I'm here if you want to talk"? Am I expecting too much ?

View related questions: broke up, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt So , what happened then ? Did he actually win you back ?

Did he radically change his mind about not having children ? Did you radically change yours about having them ? Or, could you come up with some satisfactory compromise (I can't think of one which could be reachable in this specific instance,- but maybe you two could ! ).

If the answer is always no, then it's irrelevant if he has come back , tail between his legs. Because you'd be back to square one, with nothing solved and the perspective of wasting more time accumulating further frustration and mutual resentment .

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 March 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDo NOT get back with him. Having a child is NOT okay when he only agrees to it or says he wants one because he wants to “win” you back. OP, find someone else; it’s been nearly a year and you can find someone who wants children and wants them with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

UPDATE: He came back after a month. Saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and saying he would do anything to win me back.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your kind and honest answers. This board has been a great support for me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your kind and honest answers. This board has been a great support for me.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (28 June 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, he knew you'd never not want kids. You froze your eggs, for goodness sake. That's a commitment to it.

Also, whilst he could have been a little nicer about it, there would have been no point in talking marriage when you were obviously so incompatible.

I'm sorry, OP, but the only thing you're right about here is that he was a little insensitive about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2018):

The fact he seemed so matter of fact and told you to just move on and then ignored you tells me he's a heartless bastard who probably started seeing someone else, maybe closer to home. This way he gets off scot free. He makes it your choice and you the bad guy when he was an asshole all along. He led you on all this time to get sex from you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes I understand it's over. Not so much because of the kid thing , but because it was also NOT a conversation about how much he loves me, and if I ever decided I didn't want kids, he would marry me.

It was so matter of fact for him.

Makes me feel like he never really loved me.

He could have done it in a more compassionate way. After a year and a half.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2018):

I'd talk one last time. Just to set everything straight. He seems to want to have a good time with you but not get serious. The long distance thing suits him well. He has you in his life but at arm's length. He wants it to stay that way. He doesn't LOVE you. You are more serious about this relationship. He is willing to lose you rather than keep you happy.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (27 June 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony aunt"Technically we never broke up"? Seriously? His text to you said "you have to decide what you want to do. But I know you won't choose me. You'll find happiness". That sounds pretty final to me. That sounds like a break-up, just without the "we're finished" you seem to need to hear.

If you have any stuff at each others' homes belong to the other, mail it back so you can draw a line under this already dead relationship. You don't really NEED to hear the words "we're finished" to know you are over - unless you want to compromise on something as major as having kids.

I'm so sorry this relationship didn't go where you hoped. Life doesn't come with guarantees. Dust yourself down and move on with the rest of your life. I do hope you will find happiness.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (27 June 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI agree with Honeypie. Although, I'd just make it clear. I'd text him and just say: "I'm considering us broken up. Goodbye." That way, at least it's clear to both of you that things are officially over.

Don't misunderstand, I already think you're officially broken up, but I hate the idea of it not being stated. Something like that should be stated even if it's a mere formality.

I wish you well.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 June 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI can't add to HP's great response. All I'm going to say is that, if you're financially and mentally stable, I think you need to just get a sperm donor and have a baby on your own. You are getting older and now is the time to have a baby, rather than keep waiting, but ONLY if you are financially and mentally stable enough. It's so important. If you're not yet ready, don't do it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP, you presume that he knew all along that he didn't want kids and JUST used you. Maybe because you feel hurt when the truth finally came out, maybe because you sensed it from the get go. It might BE that he was unsure, and it might BE that he just said it to keep you sticking around.

I think he was rather UNFAIR to date you at all. This whole bait and switch he pulled, it's not nice. The "I can see having kids with you blah blah" and then keep dating you knowing that he really probably don't want kids. Like I said, he (you both are) of an age where you kind of KNOW if marriage and kids is what you want. And it sort of feels like he said the whole "with you" spiel because he KNEW that is what YOU wanted to hear, and by saying that he could continue to see you.

My advice to you is this. IF a guy says he isn't SURE about having kids, or marriage or dating seriously... THEN take it as a NO. And if you WANT those things, END it right there, don't waste your time on a guy who doesn't KNOW what he want or can't/won't tell you.

Marriage and kids are not things people usually change their mind over. Though, some who in their early 20's don't want either, might find that with the "right" person they do want it. But once you hit 30-35 - you usually know what you want. (at least that is my experience).

He knows you want kids. He is letting you go. I think he KNEW that you want something he WON'T give you, kids. And yes, I think it was kind of selfish to have you come visit for a weekend so he could have one "last happy and carefree romp" with you before you two broken up.

If I were you I'd cut all contact and work on moving on. He is not a match for you long term.

He might be hurting and thus RATHER NOT talk to you as it will constantly remind him of what he just lost. Namely, you. So I would take a page out of his book and just stop all contact. THERE is no point.

And maybe, OP he doesn't WANT to be there for you if you feel a need to talk. He just wants to rip that "band aid/plaster" off and move on.

There is no point in keeping in contact (unless you have stuff at his place, then contact him and ask him to mail it to you and vice verse).

You don't need to have a HUGE break up for something to be over. So the whole "technically" we are not broken up is bogus. It's over. Because this is SUCH a major point (having kids) and you and he want different things. TOTALLY different things.

Sorry, OP

Time to work on moving on.

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