A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 10 months has been staying away from me for a few weeks now after we had this fight. It was over the matter regarding my promotion and i was talking to him about it and got carried away talking about the promotion related other stuff (my salary increment and tax and salary after tax being paid) when suddenly he said that 'haven't i told you not to talk to me about that'. I was really upset. He had told me not to talknto him about my promotion because he says i get carried away and we start to argue. But at that moment we didn't and i felt really disappointed and hurt. I said sorry and hang up the phone. Later he called me twice and i didn't answer bacause i was crying and didn't want to talk to him. He was the first person i told the news so... Later he didn't call me and i was hurt when he disnt even try to talk to me. I got no reaponse no matter how much i texted or called. He just ignored. So i said some hurtful things to him. About breaking the promises and how bad he was to me. But nothing made him respond. Whole week i cried and cried but nothing. I wanted to breakup but i couldn't. He was hurt too because eventhough he didn't respond i knew he read the texts and heard me. He talked to me after a week and we patched up but he wasnt the same again. He kept his distance from me. He said he need space and time and i gave him. And it went on like 4 5 days he called me when he had some office rwlated or work related matter to discuss. After that i said enough and i startes tezting him as usual but it is haed for me when he acts so cold and emotionless. No loving texts. No love yous. No good morning mesaage with love just GM and at night just GN. I tried bwing loving and thinking maybe he is still hurt but it has been 3 weeks since. Recently he said that he won't marry me unless he knows that we can live together nicely.he had promised me to marry me. It was like a stab to my heart but I didn't show it. But we didn't actually fight. I said hurtful things but he said nothing. And his no response made me worse. I told him that if he doesn't do that nezt time we will be fine. I'm kind of more emotional person. I can't help the way i feel and i just can't stop it eventhough i want to. But he says i need to be strong and i have to face things by myself without getting angry because he doesn't have time to be with me when I'm sad or upset. He talks and texts mw now but i get the cold shoulder. It's just like I'm talking to a not so close colleague. Whenever i say i love you he says ok or yep or something like that. It hurts me. And i keep doing it because i don't want to lose him. And he is a really nice person. He respects me and encouragez me but he doesn't seem toblove me anymore. What should i do
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 January 2019):
 I hope his reaction and answer will make you understand just how little he cares.
If I were you I'd stop talking to him UNLESS it's at work, about work. Other than that? IGNORE him. If you didn't discuss work over the phone I'd also block his number and definitely kick him off and block him for any and all social media.
My guess is that he thinks you are weak and will start begging for him to take you back. Show him you got a backbone and don't need a sup-par BF.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2019): So, what do YOU THINK you should do about this? I'd like to k now!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question So i told him that i can't be in a relationship where i don't really know whether it is a relationship anymore without expressing love or commitment or interest. He said 'ok. GN'. I guess i now know how important i was to him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you guys said that maybe it's different from his side or that i hurt him so i have to expect that. But i think he should have expected that when he hurt me and ignored me for a week. And if he had any other problem with his so called busy life that he can't type a text and send me, he should have at least told me what he is going through because we meet everyday at office. Infact he is in the same project as me. Shouldn't have been so hard. I have also asked him if he has any problems talk to me, but he doesn't.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 January 2019):
 Your boyfriend is the textbook definition of EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
You worked hard to get a promotion!! You didn't get "carried away" by telling him! You were excited about it! He is trying to break you down both by belittling your accomplishment as well as withholding affection from you in order to destroy your self-esteem.
Do you know why he is doing that?? It's simple! He is insecure about you accomplishing things in life! He wants the "power" in your relationship. It's a dysfunctional, broken dynamic! You should leave him just as fast as if he were punching you in the face.
Never stoop low enough to say hurtful things in response to this sort of emotional abuse. By blowing up, crying profusely for weeks, saying hurtful things and then his holding those things you said (that he induced from you ON PURPOSE, by the way) over your head, you're giving him EXACTLY what he wants!
He loves to subjugate you, the one who is beautiful and successful. He wants you emotionally on your knees, groveling to him. That's why he is withholding, but not breaking up with you.
You need to DROP this abuser NOW. You were promoted! That is something that a good friend or a loving boyfriend would go out with you to celebrate! He would listen to you the whole night and make your news a party event for the two of you! That is what love TRULY IS!
Seriously. Stop crying now. Stop chasing after him. Text him and say "It's over. Don't contact me again". I guarantee that he'll stop in his tracks and freak out. He'll try to be the "victim" when really he's been abusing you this entire time.
Time to enjoy your success and accomplishments! And, you should realize the one HUGE thing that he's known this entire time, and the reason why he's treating you this way:
He knows he is dog shit, and he knows you can easily do much better if you only open your eyes and realize it. He's doing everything in his power to try and keep you from that realization by putting your down and breaking you down emotionally.
Time for you to become ice cold to him. Forever.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 January 2019):
 The more I read of your post, the more sympathy I felt for your boyfriend.
Sweetheart, you cannot say nasty hurtful things to someone and just expect them to act like nothing happened. You can do or say ANYTHING you want, but there is always a price to pay. The price for your temper and petulance is that your boyfriend is now feeling hurt and drawing back from you.
Take a piece of clean unmarked paper. Screw it up. Now try to flatten it back out again. Does it look exactly the same or has the fact you screwed it up left marks on it? This is how it is when we say nasty things to someone else. Our words will leave hurt in their hearts.
I am not defending your boyfriend's lack of emotional support for you but you need to either find someone who is more in tune with what you APPEAR to need (judging by your post as I have nothing else to go off) or you need to learn to handle arguments in a more adult manner without throwing temper tantrums and saying hurtful things because you have not got what you wanted.
If you two carry on in this way and end up getting married, remember your children will see your relationship as "the norm" and will go on to treat their own partners in the same way. You two need to either work out how to live together more harmoniously (neither of you sounds to be blames), or you need to find partners who you "fit" with better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2019): He is nice because he is not like my ex. It was an abusive relationship and it was really hard for me to get out of. But my bf respects me as a woman in that aspect. I guess he respects all women in general. And i respect that. He encourages me to study further too. I'm starting my masters as a result.He is already promoted to the position also so can't be jealous issue. He didn't apologized to reacting that way about my promotion. But apologized for ignoring me for a week. He said he wasn't wrong but i misunderstood because he didnt know about taxes he didn't want to talk about it and he is not going to apologize for it. And that response also really hurt me. But that indifference in treating me feels like he doesn't love anymore. I guess i have to take a decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): This guy seriously got upset after you told him something GOOD that he should be PROUD of you for?! What a jerk! I would say ignoring his calls for ONLY a day was generous of you. And now he’s throwing a fit for weeks instead of admitting he was in the wrong? I’d say he’s had his second chance when you decided to call him back, and you should dump his ass! I do wonder tho if his side of the story might be different just because his behaviour seems so backwards for a “really nice person” as you described him.I’m not sure if it will be relevant at all to your situation, but I will share some of my own experiences. I remember a time when I was having a hard time professionally and my partner was doing really well. She had been bored with her work so I suggested she join the company I work with (~30 people). She did really well and before long was in a management role, while I was still nobody. I was proud of her but it did make me feel badly about myself and I couldn’t help feeling jealous of her. She felt hurt when my excitement for her seemed fake and looking back, I don’t blame her. But I certainly NEVER told her I was NOT happy for her. Years later we are both doing well, I just took a little longer to get there. I also remember a time when I was SUPER busy with school (working on campus until midnight or later every day). My partner was justifiably upset that I was spending so little time with her. But at the time, in my mind, I felt like she was being selfish and whiny and not supporting ME while I was losing my mind from working so hard. And during that time, it seemed like she was exaggerating her emotional problems to use as leverage to pull me away from work. For example, “I had this problem today and I am upset, so as my boyfriend you have to come here to comfort me”. Suffice to say it was a hard time for our relationship. We had plenty of arguments and both said hurtful things to each other that we didn’t really mean and almost broke up at times. But we managed to come out the other side still intact and probably closer than ever. HOWEVER, assuming I haven’t misinterpreted your story, I wouldn’t be too lenient with this guy. A relationship is a two way street and you SHOULD put him in the dog house if he behaves like a jerk. Otherwise, we will feel like he can get away with anything. Stand up for yourself. If he can’t handle that, then kick him to the curb and find someone who can be your PARTNER!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): Hi OP i wrote earlier (ended with good luck), and realized now that you got promoted, earlier I thought you had a problem with not getting promoted, assumed rather.
Congratulations! I would like to add that maybe he's jealous. I now find it gross that a boyfriend will restrict you from sharing such good news or talking about it. DUMP him ASAP. Did he not tell you he's proud of you, happy for you or want to celebrate it? If he didn't, then sheesh, what an ass. Show him the big "L" and get on with life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): The problem is more than just him wanting space or being different from you in terms of handling emotions. He doesn't think this is working out anymore because you're not his type neither is he your type. When someone is not on the same frame as you, it can be annoying. He's being truthful about how he feels and is telling you that he is very unsure about where this relationship is headed and he doesn't love you as such. There may be attachment and obligations but honestly, he does not love or respect you as a person. Ideally, he should have a chat, let you know that he wants to end this, instead of holding you and treating you like a doormat. "he respects me and encourages me" I don't see that here. He might generally be a respectful person, but your continued interest in him despite his lack of interest and you wanting to hold on to this relationship even though you both show mismatch has made him lose respect for you. I believe that respect does not come from others unless YOU respect yourself. When someone does not want you in their life but you're begging them to stay, you are losing your self respect and the other person has also lost respect for you because it makes them think you value yourself very low. You might be a wonderful woman with many talents and accomplishments, but how much value are you giving yourself? If you don't have any value, what are you offering the other person? nothing! When you value yourself the other person will feel your love, your time and your talks are valuable TO THEM. This may sound harsh to you since you sound like a romantic, emotional kind of person. But you really need to create your value by giving worth to yourself. If I were you, I would have reduced my interest in this person and eventually cut off/ broken up when he is not interested anymore. By that, he would have at least had respect for me even though he thinks we're incompatible.Never allow a person to disrespect you like that. DO NOT give them a chance to treat you like that, before that stage happens you need to break up. How will you feel if a guy keeps asking you out and you keep rejecting him and he still keeps trying to woo you? Will you have respect for him? And why should you be told what you can talk and what you can't? If he doesn't like what things you speak about, then your minds do not match, it means you can't have interesting conversations with each other OR he may be a mansplainer. A sexist guy who wants to tell you how unimportant your career is to him OR maybe your obsession/approach about the whole thing annoys him. I'm not sure what the reason is, you can figure that out. To me however, it seems like you guys don't share the same wavelength. You should look for a guy who 'gets' you. Everybody's 'normal' is different. You can't be close to people who's idea of 'normal' is very different from yours. Anything you do or talk might seem silly weird or unusual to those who cannot connect with you on a mental level. Bottom line, respect yourself and find someone who is more like you. Stop clinging to a person who is trying to change you or hoping that he will change. That's miserable.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (8 January 2019):
 For the most part, men are not as emotional as women so sometimes they can be at a loss for how we express ourselves. MOST men will try to understand and comfort us though unless we just go on and on and on constantly. Your boyfriend apparently doesnt feel the need to let you talk and he doesn't want to deal with you when you aren't all sunshine and rainbows. A partner who loves you wants you to be happy and understands that sometimes you might need to talk and let off steam. A man who doesn't care only wants you during the good times. Can you imagine a whole life with this man? Always having to be little miss merry sunshine?? He need to go OP. I think you know this but don't want to let him go. You'll never be happy with him because you will not be able to show your true emotions or talk about it when things aren't perfect. Walk away
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2019):
 This guy doesn't respect you, if he did he wouldn't be putting conditions down, like not wanting to make a commitment unless you prove you can live "nicely" with him first … has he told you EXACTLY what nicely means? Ask him to write down in dot point what that will entail, he just wants to control you and this is a threat hanging over your head that he can use when ever he feels like it.
As for him laying down the law regarding what you can, and can't, be excited and talk about, like a promotion and the good things that will come from that, it sounds to me he is scared you will be more successful than him and he is giving you the silent treatment to punish.
Let him give you the silent treatment and give it right back … block him on all social media and get on with building a successful life for yourself. You move forward and leave the chump behind.
And before I go …. CONGRATULATIONS on the promotion. Well Done You!
for
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): You're both acting like a couple of 15 year-olds. You wrote the post; so you get to tell your side of the issue. He is the reason you wrote; so naturally this matter is about your feelings, and how you were affected by his behavior.
First, let's address your feelings; and the matter about your promotion. I'm very very sorry about the promotion.
He should have listened, and could have been more sympathetic.
You must have worked hard; and it's a highly competitive world out there. Being passed-over for a promotion hits you emotionally, professionally, and financially. It bruises the ego.
It's a slap in the face, after you have given it all you've got; only to see it slip through your fingers! Please don't let this be salt in the wounds! I'm making a point here. I've been in your shoes. It hurts like the dickens, it's a gut-punch, and it's also humiliating. It sucks all the wind out of your sails! Am I right? Been there and done that!
Yes, and I cried when it happened to me too! I had to fake being happy for the other guy. I knew it was discrimination; but later things changed for me. It took longer, but I did even better than that. It wasn't my destiny, or my time.
At the time it happened. I also went on and on about it to Lottie, Dottie, and everybody. Fortunately, I had a shoulder to cry on. Later, it pissed me off!!! But this is about you! So back to you!
To not expect you to be upset and want to vent about it; he was derelict of his duties as your source of support, and as a boyfriend. He behaved like a prick. Totally knuckle-headed!
You looked to him for comfort and encouragement. Uhm...isn't that what boyfriends and husbands are for??? Our partner and significant-other is who we turn to first to seek relief; and to catch us when we fall. Wouldn't he want you to be there for him; if he went through something as important?
You've admitted that you're highly emotional. Having a high-strung and sensitive mate takes its toll on us men. We don't outwardly express emotion. We tend to suppress or internalize our feelings or emotions. We hurt just as much; but try not to show it. If you fall apart a lot, or if he did try to console you; but you dismissed it as insufficient, then he will lose any sensitivity to your problems. Sometimes you take what you can get! The rest comes from within you. Your own inner-strength.
If nothing seems to calm or soothe you easily, you're whiny, or you take too long to compose yourself; you can exhaust or overburden your most reliable and empathetic supporters. I must give him some benefit of the doubt. Drama Queens can zap a lot of your strength. The world gets all gloomy!
If you're always a bushel of problems and a bucket of tears; sorry, but that gets old! You do have to suck-it-up sometimes. You don't kick someone while he or she is down; that's where he mucked it up! You didn't ask him to fix anything; just hold you, and be there for you.
Your relationship may be running its course. He's restless and losing empathy for your sorrows. He's becoming calloused and petty. You said some nasty things to him. Don't expect people to just snap out it; remember, you couldn't just snap out of your disappointment. Then came the games of back and forth!
Regrouping and pulling yourself together sometimes takes a little time. You had a major setback. He admonished you for being a weakling, yet he's being a pouty little baby-man; and won't talk like two adults. If he's so tough; why couldn't he handle what you said? When he knows you said it while you were upset, and being emotional? He knows you. Now he's being passive-aggressive, and playing head-games.
When you feel your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore; what do you THINK you should do?
Being a nice person isn't enough to maintain a romance. You also have to love your partner; and do everything you can to make them feel you love and support them. If he is becoming deficient in that area; and his affections have shut-off. Tell us what you think you should do? You can't make people show feelings they may not have. It would be faking-it.
Here's what I would do. If you don't demonstrate your feelings through your affection and support; I can't pour my love and feelings into an empty vessel. I have to feel something coming-back my way. If my serious problems are unimportant or a bore to you; and you consider my pain is nothing but whining. My feelings for you will dry-up. I would have to let you go; because I can't love you, unless you love me back...and I can feel it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2019):
Just cut him loose OP
He isn't the FUTURE for you. Can you imagine marrying this guy and then not being ALLOWED to talk about certain subjects?
He is manipulative and cold. Unless you do as HE wants you to... he will withhold "love" or affection or interest in you.
While I understand that people don't want to hear negative stuff or someone go ON AND ON AND ON about drama at work or what not, it would have sufficed to let you know that he rather talk about something else.
This is NOT how you LOVE someone. Him being this way kind of shows that he rather CONTROL you than love and support you...
Sorry, I'd dump this asshat asap.
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